pls advise re: my parents toxic rel'ship

[nothappyenough]

My parents' marriage has been bad for a long time - years - and when I see them now I just wish they would split up and each go and seek their own path to happiness. I think they have been together so long that they can't imagine living apart, the difficulty it would create in seeing friends, the loneliness of old age etc. I think, sadly, that their unhappiness has actually lost them a few friends, so neither parent has a lot of people to lean on if they were to actually split.

I am posting because I find this situation frustrating and it makes me incredibly sad. I think if they were both more content they would be much nicer, easier people to be around. They are rude and cold to each other, mostly. Never show signs of love or affection or care for each other.

It's highly unlikely that they will split isn't it? What can I say to them? I think my father is depressed but he is incredibly stubborn and won't recognise this - tho haven't talked about it with him myself. The signs are there, not doing anything (even his hobbies), drinking too much, attitude etc. But my rel'ship with him is so poor that I don't really know if I can talk calmly to him about depression etc.

My mum is very difficult to live with but an amazing person who has a lot to offer the world - if she was happier. I am v close to her but don't want to hurt her by telling her she has a bad marriage etc. and she knows that I don't have much respect for my father anyway.

Who can I talk to about all this? Shd I call relate or some other marriage counsellor? Should I try to convince my parents to talk to each other about what might make them happier, ie force the issue a bit and say clearly I can see you are not very happy , can you talk to each other about it??

[JosieRosie]

I absolutely feel your pain OP. My parents are in exactly the same situation - they're horrid to each other, so cold, and I know they each feel extremely neglected by the other.

It sounds like you feel very responsible for their happiness and trying to make things 'better' for them. I often feel the same myself and the knowledge that my parents stayed together 'for the kids' makes that burden even heavier. But I think the truth is that your only responsibility is to yourself - you are responsible for your own happiness and no-one else's. I know they both seem sad and lonely but they are adults with choices of their own to make.

Over time, and with the help of my therapist, I have been withdrawing and consciously refusing to be so involved in their marriage. I''m feeling much happier and less anxious for it. I know it's very sad OP but I really do think that no-one can fix this relationship apart from the two people in it. Remember to take care of yourself as well as everyone else

[ArtVandelay]

My Mum got divorced in her 50's - about 20 years after she should have but nevermind! Its hard sometimes - she feels like everyone else is in a couple etc. but she really enjoys life and thinks she's way better off divorced. She's pretty well off and has a lot going on in life which she knows she wouldn't have if she wasn't divorced.

Before you talk to your Mum, I think you should consider if your Mum has enough money if she got divorced, if she has enough friends, resources - the real practicalities of the situation. If the practicalities are such that its not realistically ever going to happen then I don't think you should rock the boat, given that it could make her very depressed. Also - maybe your Mum has strong views and thinks for instance that divorce 'is a sin' or something.

If you think that she could do it then I would test the water with talking to her. Your father doesn't sound like he'd be particularly receptive if he's drinking, depressed and negative. If either of them are psychologically weak or very depressed it could end badly.

I sympathise though, growing up with parents who hate each other is no picnic, I know.

[Apparentlynothing]

I can totally relate to this as well OP - in fact I could have written your post. It's really, really horrible isn't it? I grew up wishing for "happy parents who got on" for practically every birthday and Christmas present I can remember since tiny, but surprise surprise, it never happened.

I too have spent a lot of time talking to a counsellor about this, as it has had quite a significant effect on my relationships. It's hard to know how to be with a partner - and what is and what isn't good enough, when you haven't had a good example set by your own parents.

However, after years of agonising about this, the conclusion I have come to is that there is nothing you can do about it. It is not your fault, it is not your responsibility - do not let it take precedence over other stuff in your life.

I have now told both my Mum and Dad, that I would fully support them whatever they decided to do, and would be on hand with practical help (housing, money, whatever) should they decide to split, but that's it. It's not your (or my) choice to make, they're adults. It's so, so hard, but really, I would try not to get too involved.

[Apparentlynothing]

Having re-read my previous post, I don't mean to sound hard. Maybe you are more successful at compartmentalising things in your life than me - and you would be able to help them and keep your own life / relationship on the right path too.

Obviously I feel sorry for them both - and if you haven't ever discussed their options with them (counselling, trial separation etc) before, it's certainly worth a go now. For me though, having had this conversation with both of mine about a million times, and nothing changing at all, I have had to admit defeat and give up. Good luck.

[nothappyenough]

Can't reply to this tonight fully but am sad to hear replies. My parents are a big part of my life and I'd struggle to distNce myself from them. Anyone have advice on type of help I cd get to talk about about this with? So many feelings! Xmas looming and they'll be with us. I do have good times with them, it's just they are unpleasant to each other and I hate seeing that, am scared of becoming the same way with my dp, tho unlikely.

[nothappyenough]

anyone else out there dealing with this? I just don't feel I can carry on not saying anything to either parent.

[JosieRosie]

nothappy, I used to share your fears about replicating my parents' miserable relationship in my own relationship with my DP. I know now that I am a separate person to my parents so there's nothing 'fatalistic' about relationships, it's down to me to manage my own relationship, just as it's only your parents who can change their own situation. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think it's very unfair of them if they are cold/horrible to each other in front of you and your DP. My parents do this too and I find it really selfish - not that I think they should play at happy families, but they should be civil to each other in front of other people instead of trying to make you feel as bad as they do.
I don't know if it's something you would be interested in, but seeing a therapist has really changed my relationship with my parents for the better. I feel less entangled in their relationship and I'm finding it easier to be my own person and to do what I want to rather than what they expect me to do. It's a work in progress though!