Please help me go through this meeting with my parents..

[PinkPoncho]

Hi there. I posted quite recently about dealing with my anxious mother who keeps ringing me to see if I'm ok. Anyway she has just been to visit (along with my dad although they're divorced but that's another story) They didn't stay here but in a nearby guest house which was helpful. It's been well, ok, up to a point. She liked to see the grandchildren, brought them a cake and some toys. She is very overbearing though for example instead of being helpful is critical. For instance I was trying to get ds to put his coat on as he's only 3 and it's quite nippy today, she kept saying "oh he doesn't need it' other things like that. Then when he had a big tantrum coming away from the park it was 'probably because he's too hot in that coat!' (she used to say things like "can't he wait till we go home' when I needed to b'feed him as a newborn when out in town..

Anyway I was cross, also wanted some space from them so just stormed off home with a crying ds to have his nap, told her to have a good journey back as needed some time now. She started going on was I ok, she was concerned about me..'I could call and they'd come and get me' Wtf? I have a lovely dp and he's been nothing but kind to me and them, and I don't know... I have this odd feeling she doesn't trust him or something. (she is a bit funny about men in general )

I just feel so angry and upset with her, it just seems like we are strangers. Any perspective on this would be great

Oh, I remember when my brother got married a few years ago as they danced off to get in the wedding car she went after them not to give kind words but instead to tell them 'it's not all fun you know' something along those lines.

It would have been lovely just to have had a compassionate and understanding mum today saying something like 'you're doing a fab job it's just a stage' something like that. Rather than this kind of dark message about coming to get me. What, and take me 'home'!

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

It would have been lovely just to have had a compassionate and understanding mum

Therein lies the truth that you will eventually need to accept in order to move on emotionally and no longer be bothered by your mother's behaviour.

I'd also recommend a visit to the Stately Homes thread.

[PinkPoncho]

Thanks ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow, I know you helped on my other thread too. I've just been feeling guilty and horrible that they've got till tomorrow to go back and will be mulling over this now, shame to leave on a bad footing and also feeling bad I'm not looking after them e.g. cooking having them stay here, but dp is really busy at the moment and me being stressed stresses him out too!

I was on edge actually since they first arrived and my dad said 'your mum's wanting you to decide whether she should move down here to be close to you' at which I escaped into the other room for a breather...then yesterday, he had gone off and taken the key so she couldn't get in to where they were staying and didn't know what to do...it was stressful what with having to get ds from nursery and stuff, really how hard is it just looking after yourself as one adult?

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

If you want the perspective of the professionals, you may find your mum under "The Controller" in this book, or "The Smotherer" in this one.

Both books will take you through understanding, anger, and resolution/letting go.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

x post

Let go the guilt: their emotional well-being is not your responsibility. They are adults. ...not very good at it, as you point out in your second post, but still responsible for their own words, actions, and feelings.

You are going to have to allow yourself to be assertive with them, otherwise they will be moving on your doorstep and you will find yourself unable to breathe on a permanent basis.

[PinkPoncho]

Yes I did say it wasn't a good idea (to move here) now bit worried she may have made up in her mind something is wrong and she should move here to 'help'. Don't think she's find it that easy though, she'd have to apply for housing here.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

"It's not a good idea" is a statement she can make her own mind up on. It is not assertive.

"I don't want you to move here" is a statement she simply cannot deny, since only you know your own desires and feelings. That's being assertive.

I know it probably seems unimaginable to you to say that to your mum, given the way you were raised. But I can assure you that it is a perfectly OK and respectful statement. And that it gets easier with practice!

[PinkPoncho]

Thanks again for taking time to post, she will call me 'nasty' if I say that kind of thing but yes I can see how it is empowering to be assertive like that, stating my feelings and hey, it's up to her if she's upset or not..I might have a chat to by bro who kind of understands too, although he's knackered with a young baby just now, so we'll see. And have a look at the Stately Homes thread and books you mentioned. Many thanks x