Help me get 'me' back please!

[chelseamorning]

I'll try and keep this brief. There are a number of issues here but need to get this all down in the vain hope that someone can help me unravel what's going on in my head. I feel like I'm going mad through lack of control of my life.

I'm self-employed running a business from home. Had a DS 5 years ago and decided to try and have it all by keeping business running but soon realised I couldn't as the work is very deadline-driven and detailed. As we only wanted one child, I decided to slow the business right down a little so that I could enjoy my time with DS until he started school. I know I'm lucky that we've been able to afford for me to do this.

DS is now 5 years old and at school and I'm trying to find time to steer my business in a new direction. However, with chores, us trying to 'do-up' the house, school, a mother with cancer again, etc etc, I just feel overwhelmed with the day-to-day and never seem to have any time to develop the business.

DP and I have been together almost 10 years. When we first moved in together, we used to split the household chores but gradually he's doing less and less, especially once DS came along. I mention it occasionally and he starts helping out a bit more but then slips into his old ways. He looks all hurt when I bring up the subject, saying he's at work all day (sometimes not home until 7.30pm) and works on the house during the weekend or plays with DS and can't see how he can do any more. His mum is a real homemaker and so I think he expects me to be like her, to raise a child and be happy with my lot. I've been telling DP all year that I want to earn money and get things moving again but he doesn't seem to be supporting me practically/emotionally.

I feel like I've lost my true self. I've been so busy 'giving' these past years that I don't feel like 'me' anymore. I'm sure I'm not alone. I'm not the person I used to be when I met DP. Then, I was a confident, self-employed entrepreneur with a passion for books, arthouse films, ceramics and hand-made jewellery. Now, I'm a grumpy, resentful witch who shouts at the world more than she wants to because no-one seems to be listening.

I have lots of things to be grateful for. I have a (soon-to-be!) nice house, DP is kind and does his best in life, and my DS is a fabulous, fun and very loving individual and I don't regret a minute that I've spent with DS rather than working. However, I do regret that I've lost 'me'.


Another problem, and I'm sure they are related, is that I don't fancy DP at all. Sometimes I don't want him to kiss or touch me. After giving birth to DS 5 years ago, I became peri-menopausal and have had various ups and downs hormonally. I can't remember the last time DP and I made love. Thankfully he doesn't badger me about it but does mention it occasionally. I'm just not interested but not sure if that is just because I don't love him or because of low oestrogen. Or perhaps even resentment that he's not giving me some space to build the business back up? Or perhaps lack of respect for him?

Sorry, this was rather longer than I'd hoped. However, if you've made it to the end, I'd really appreciate your thoughts. I don't think I can speak to anyone close about this.

[chelseamorning]

bump

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Can't help you OP, but bumping as your issues seem quite poignant to me.

There really do seem to be 2 distinct issues here, which may or may not be related:

• Being stuck in a rut as Mum and home-maker rather than your own person
  
• Loss of sexual attraction to your DP

[craftynclothy]

Could you maybe do some part-time work out of the house? It would mean you didn't need to find time to build up your business while surrounded by other stuff that "needs" done. Even if it was just long enough to feel like you're contributing and maybe restore the balance a bit.

[chelseamorning]

Thanks for replying, IMOPN and crafty.

Interesting suggestion, crafty, which I'll think on. I want to steer my business in a slightly different direction, something I know I'd enjoy. I've been self-employed for 12 years now so I doubt if anyone would employ me! I just need the intellectual challenge, not just to feel that I'm financially contributing to the household.

Hope someone else will post, IMOPN, and help you too. Why is my posting poignant to you?

[chelseamorning]

I should have said IMAMPN! Sorry. That'll teach me for typing without my glasses on!

[Giveitawaynow]

Hi Chelsea-I wanted to reply to you as although my situation is different I can understand the losing 'me' since my twins were born.
Do you ever get any free time just for yourself?maybe it's not the answer but I do feel a bit more refreshed and more like me if I can get a day off work,put the twins with the cm and have a few hours fir me.Sometimes just to go shopping,get my haircut or my eyebrows threaded or even go and sit in a coffee shop with a newspaper but I feel anonymous rather than the woman with the twins IYKWIM?!
Not sure if that helps?

[ChitChattingElf]

Have you tried dedicating part of the day to work? Say 2 hours in the morning, and everything else waits. Then when the time is up you can get on with all of the other never ending jobs. Some household chores will more than likely be left until DH is home and those few can be split.

[NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain]

Could you get a nanny? Some one to help with household stuff and school drop offs pick ups cook some meals?

Have you been looking after your well being, making sure you're getting out in the fresh air and eating a nutrient filled diet? Have you been buying yourself the odd new item of clothing and having some leisure time for your self?
It sounds like you have become a bit taken for granted by your husband, he needs to understand what you want and help you to achieve your personal goals to become for filled again.
When I am holding anger about power imbalances in my house hold I COMPLETELY lose my sex drive, good luck I hope things improve for you you deserve to be for filled

[GrendelsMum]

In my experience, you need to be the one that carves out the space in your day for your business. An old colleague of mine once gave me the advice that people around you take you at your own valuation - so if you make it absolutely clear that between 9.00 and 4.00 you are at work, in a professional business, and are not available to shop / cook / clean / take cats to the vet / go to your son's school play etc, then if you believe it, they will believe it. But making yourself believe it is the difficult thing. You need to make it absolutely clear to those around you that during working hours, you are at work. You cannot take clothes to the cleaners, for example. A vague and baffled look to any unreasonable requests of this type is very effective. So is just coming straight out with it, e.g. "Can you do X?" "No, I'll be working then. "

I also recommend having low standards of cleanliness for the house, high standards of tidiness from your son, and a high tolerance for suppers that consist either of beans on toast, jacket potato and cheese, and scrambled eggs on toast and take you or your DH approx 15 mins to cook and clear away. Sod the house renovations (it sounds like your DH might actually take those over if you ignore them). Focus on the things that are actually important, which is you, your DS and your DM. Never touch your DH's ironing, and feel free to abandon his laundry.

There's a point at which its up to you - would you rather spend an hour building up your business, or cleaning the house?

[rightchoice]

I have tried to think this through for you. You know the finding me bit. What would ?me? look like, sound like, dress like, play like, eat like, think like, live like?? Once you know who ?me? is you can go find her!! I guess the ?me? you dream of was before DS was born, before being home for long hours. ?Me? probably had nights out, got dressed up, interacted, flirted maybe, got compliments and socialised. The old ?me? may have grown, moved on and have all the things she once dreamt of, but now she has to grow into the woman she wants to be.

Maybe it?s time to contact a few of your old friends or make new ones, as well as all that goes with running your business and running the home. All work and no play and all that?? Have fun finding yourself and make sure she is fun to be with?..Oh if the old you loved DP and fancied him, maybe it?s time to recapture some of the magic, why not work on it!! What have you got to lose??

[twentyten]

Hello chelseamorning. I really understand where you are coming from- I recognise many of the issues you are dealing with.If you would like to pm me I can suggest some websites/books etc which may help?

[maandpa]

Maybe do a degree or a masters course?

[bushymcbush]

I totally agree with the suggestion that you allocate working hours to yourself and you are verbal about them to your DP. If you were both working outside of the home, what would you and your DP do about housework? Split chores? Do a rota? How about hiring a cleaner (jointly paid for of course)? You need to be very clear about your business goals, and the more seriously you take them and action them, the more seriously your DP will too.

As for the lack of sexual attraction, I really don't know. I've been with my DH for almost 20years and mostly I still really fancy him. The times when I haven't have been directly related to other big problems in the relationship. Once the problem is being addressed in some way, the desire for sex with him comes flooding back.

One thing though, I can only fancy DH if I feel respected and loved by him. Your post seems to say that your DP doesn't respect what you do - particularly in relation to the business. I'm sure you're right that all these things are linked.

Work on the business. Make the time and take back your sense of self.

[NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain]

chelseamorning I love your name