My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How does it work when your friends split up?

15 replies

DestinationUnknown · 15/11/2011 21:04

Sadly inevitable I suppose that now we are all approaching 40, that amongst my friends there are a few relationships in bother and one couple has just split Sad. But this is whole new territory for us all and I don't know how we as friends are supposed to respond when a longstanding relationship ends, with people who've been part of a big group. Any ideas and experience would be very welcome please, from any side of the fence.

For example, do recently split people want to socialise together? Do they want to be invited to everything that the "group" is doing and decide together which will attend, or agree they both will, or whoever has the dc that weekend will go if it's a thing with kids etc etc?

Obviously it depends on how acrimonious things are, but where there is a split with sadness but not outright anger as it were, is it still likely you'd want to be in the same room as your very recent X, having drinks and conversation?

As a group of friends with busy lives when we get together we obviously chat a lot about what's happening in everyone's life ... how does that work if both ex partners are there? Or just ignore that whole elephant in the room - seems awkward!

But I would hate to leave out one partner - we have known one much longer than the other and it's fairly inevitable that one person would be more sidelined than the other over the long term - which seems awful.

Rotten time for them and want to help them. Will try and feel my way in asking them how they see it working, but they've clearly got a lot of other stuff on their plates right now so don't want to add to the burden.

Sorry this was so long!
Thanks

OP posts:
Report
IfOnlyICould · 15/11/2011 21:05

in my experience, unfortunately, both partners get left out :(

Report
AngryFeet · 15/11/2011 21:11

Two couples I know have split up in last year and are getting divorced. Both due to cheating by the DHs so they tend to be left out now but that is partly because they are hiding away with their new partners worried that everyone will hate them.

Not sure how it will be when people split up for other reasons. We are all in our early 30's so I'm sure there will be a lot more of it in the next 20 years!

Report
smartyparts · 15/11/2011 21:14

Disastrously, in my experience Sad

Our very close group of friends was blown apart by one couple splitting up (he had an affair) and although we see both of them now, things have never really recovered.

Report
DestinationUnknown · 15/11/2011 21:18

oh yes should make it clear that if there was cheating involved then it would likely be much easier for everyone and I probably wouldn't be agonising so much about it all.

OP posts:
Report
floweryblue · 15/11/2011 21:26

Hard to advise really, every situation is different.

I have never seen my XH since we split, no kids involved so no need. We do have one set of mutual friends but we socialise with them at different times/with different people. If this one couple were to invite me to anything, I would ask if XH would be there before deciding if I wanted to go.

On the other hand, DP has had continual involvement with his XW, but that's because they have two children. So any of DP's family events would always include his XW and me, we all get on brilliantly and there is no problem at all.

My uncle has had his 'fair share' of lovely long-term partners, some of them we no longer see because they have new friends and social groups, others are part of the crowd we all get together with regularly.

Report
floweryblue · 15/11/2011 21:29

PS cheating was involved...

I cheated on XH with DP.

DP cheated on XW with someone who was not me a couple of years before I met him

Report
DestinationUnknown · 15/11/2011 21:55

thanks flowery blue that is helpful, and honest of you. It is great that you, DP and his ExW can all get on and socialise at events.

I feel I should rephrase what I said about cheating ... I have a very black & white view because of another couple I know who divorced because of his infidelity, which without going into details, was particularly terrible and unforgiveable. I had no qualms about never seeing or speaking to him again because of what he did to my friend, but this also wasn't a problem as they didn't live nearby and we didn't socialise previously in the same way as the friends described in my OP.

I don't know your background and have no judgement to make on it but can imagine that I would in fact have different responses to different situations and reasons without cutting off one partner entirely.

OP posts:
Report
ninja · 15/11/2011 22:13

Ex H and I have just separated and I feel very sad that I won't get to socialise with a lot of my friends any more - I;'d love them to invite me to the odd thing but I guess they probably won't.

Most of my friends are 'mum' friends and I've said that I have no problem with them speaking to/being frindly with/... exH (even if they do know what an a**e he's been)

Our mutual friends who we'd have socialised with more were mainly his as he'd lived in this area before.

I say invite them and let them say 'no' it's too soon or yes, I'msure they'll appreciate it

Report
bigbadbarry · 15/11/2011 22:20

This happened to our friends/neighbours recently: despite all good intentions we see one partner a lot more than the other - the one who stayed in the house, just from proximity. I'd like to stay friends with both but I think it is very difficult and inevitable that the friendships change even if they don't die.

Report
MooncupGoddess · 15/11/2011 22:54

It's a bloody nightmare .

Try to be sensitive to their feelings and keep a line of communication open with both sides, but be prepared for massive bouts of drama and potential guilt-tripping ('how come you invited X to your event but not me?' etc.).

You may also find that you find out more than you really want to know about their relationship, and that both sides try to persuade you that their version of events is correct.

But, let's hope your friends are more emotionally mature than mine!

Report
floweryblue · 15/11/2011 22:56

There has been a recent event in my uncle's/parents' social group where a man has left his long term woman for a girl. He is no longer part of the group because he assumed he would get a 'slap on the back' for his good fortune at shagging a younger model, the others their age just think he is a twit.

Report
LittleWarmHouse · 16/11/2011 08:44

Since I left my H last year and he found a new partner our friends have been mainly evenhanded and invited us both to things. Where I live everything is a bit couply at times. I CAN grit my teeth and go along and make small talk, but I greatly prefer it when H is not there.

We made it clear there was no blame on either side, we meet regularly for things with our DC and we share a sports club. Neither of us wants to cede territory so we both make an effort to be polite and get on even though I would like to stab him

But his new P is from overseas and I freely admit it would be great if she persuaded him to go and live there. Time helps sort this out in my view.

Report
deburca · 16/11/2011 19:06

OP my advice is invite them both, and tell them that they are both invited, ie send an email to the group, they can then see that the other person has been invited. Its really up to them to sort it out. Its difficult but you dont want to get involved, trust them to be adult enough to handle the situation.

I had a recent experience of this wherein a cousin of mine attended a family function with his new girlfriend. I believe this was the ow for a while before he left his wife. I know his ex basically from when they started dating and they were together for 20 years!

Anyway the ex called me basically saying that she was sad that she didnt attend family events anymore etc etc and that she understood that blood was thicker than water etc. I personally felt that she was more annoyed that the ow was going than actually upset at her not attending herself.

I told her that I wouldnt take sides. I had known her for years and he was my cousin etc etc. That the situation was as it was and having been there myself I knew it was difficult etc etc (the ex wife had not been squeaky clean either during the marriage, I know this to be true absolutely!)

There has been an argument now as the ex wife contacted the person having the party and basically said the same thing and berated her for allowing the ow/cousin to attend "after his behaviour". Cue an almighty argument!! tears, accusations etc etc.

See what I mean when I say stay out of it - awful.

Report
deburca · 16/11/2011 19:39

Oh and by the way, the ow came to the party looking like a filmstar, was absolutely lovely (actually help difuse an argument) and brought a very appropriate gift (set of MAC gift brushes for a 16 year old birthday girl!!).

One of the gossipy aunts tried to draw her into a conversation about the ex w and she refused to be drawn! Just said she didnt know her and couldnt comment but for the aunt to feel free to chat away with anything she felt she should know.

It sometimes can be like a subtle war when these things are going on and I for one do not want to be caught in the crossfire!

The situation is terrible and I know how bad it can be. When my first husband and I split the atmosphere was awful within our group of friends. I avoided most of the group for about a year and then slowly met for coffee etc. Its all good now, they invite me and him, I attend with my new DH, he attends with whomever he is dating, we are all polite etc.

hope that helps

Report
2rebecca · 16/11/2011 20:31

If you were friends with both then I'd still invite both seperately. If they don't want to bump into each other they can sort it out between them. When I seperated we did split into his friends and her friends rather quickly, with people who mainly socialised with us as a couple not inviting either of us. It was mainly our premarital friends who remained friends through the divorce. If any of my close female friends divorce (not that I have many) I'd expect them to remain my friends regardless of who had affairs etc but then I think many affairs can be the result of marital problems not the cause of them, unless someone is a serial adulterer..

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.