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Relationships

Is this wrong or are we destined to be together?

70 replies

Whosaysromance · 15/11/2011 14:52

I have been lurking on here for the last 2 years. I know people give and receive a lot of good advice on here. Please go easy on me. This will have to be quite long to get the background in.

My DP is not a very affectionate person. He will never sponateously cuddle me or tell me he loves me. He won't hold my hand when we walk down the road. If I tell him I love him he looks uncomfortable as he cannot say the words himself. He is kind to me in other ways, he takes me on holiday and cooks for me. He told me he prefers to "show" how he feels about me. He is a kind and sweet man. Six months ago I began to wonder about the relationship. I had just accepted him for the way he was, however I thought should I be expecting more out of this relationship. I described my relationship with him as like a comfortable old slipper- nothing exciting but compfy and reliable.
He has kept me hanging on for the 3 years we have been together - he was very slow to let us move in together (2.5 years). I would like to have children but he doesn't really want them. He doesn't want to stay in this country so I cannot buy a house. He doesn't yet know where he wants to go but he can't leave yet as he has to finish his studies. He has a lot of hobbys and as a result I am left alone a lot. He encourages me to take up hobbys too so I won't nag him as much to stay home.
My needs are not taken into account. The relationship is all on his terms.
I was not terribly unhappy in the relationship, just having the feeling "is this it?"
That is the background.

I work in customer services and 2 months ago I assisted a work colleague who lives in another country with a query. One week later the colleague followed up on the query on the internal messaging system (a bit like MSN messenger). We started to chat about none work related matters .. ie about the fact that he had visited this country many years ago, and about a city break I had just been on. We both noticed a connection and he asked me if I had Skype. I have to say it all felt very innocent to me as I am someone who chats a lot on various chat rooms, FB etc. In the last 10 years I have met various people online and chat to this day with several men..all very innocent.

So me and him started to chat in the evenings and also during the day at work. We started to notice a tremendous connection and I was amazed at the level of trust he had in me. The man has a very high position in the company.
The weeks progressed and he admitted to having a lof of feelings towards me. One morning he sent my boss an email with very good feedback about my work. I read the email and the tears were streaming down my face, at this point my heart just melted and I realised how much I cared for this man. Neither of us at this point could actually face life without each other. The chats continued, the feelings deepened. We realised we had to actually meet in person. Yes at this point we have never met face to face!! (Of course we had seen pictures of each other).
After 2 months we made arrangements to meet. I was petrified wondering if I would like him as much in real life as online...
The day was wonderful, we talked and talked, touched hands and kissed gently. It was truly a romantic experience. We both parted late afternoon and went home.

We have continued to talk to one another every day, email, texts, phone calls and he tells me how much he loves me..

Of course only time will tell really what is going to happen. We live 1000 miles apart and its costly to see one another. We pine for each other every day... this is all after 2 months and only meeting once....

The BIG issues... you will all rise off your chairs and hate me now:
yes you guessed it, he is married and is desperate to leave his wife. A lot of men stay in unhappy marriages till they find someone else and it seems to be the case here too... don't shoot me.. I had no intentions for any of this to happen..

2nd issue - his age. He is in his 40s and 15 years older than me. He has told me he wants to have more children. I really don't know if his age should be an issue to me but he could be 50 by the time it would happen..

I am emotionally cheating on my BF I know. But with the background I think people could understand what led me to fall for this guy. All my feelings for my current dp have been transfered onto this man. I have explained to my dp that I want more love and affection and that he will end up losing me , but I think its falling on deaf ears...

What on earth do I do. This situation is very messy. What am I even asking? I just wanted to clear my head. I am going through this all alone. I am not a nasty person, we are nice lonely people who found each other..

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ditzymitzy2 · 15/11/2011 14:54

I am not a nasty person, we are nice lonely people who found each other.

you are married. if you commit adultery, you will have to live with the pain and upset you cause.

if you are unhappy, get a divorce or at least give your husband the opportunity to decide whether he still want to be with you before you jump into bed with someone else

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Scoundrel · 15/11/2011 14:55

Christ, it's Mills & Boon.

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ditzymitzy2 · 15/11/2011 14:55

sorry, thought you were married

that makes it 100 times easier if you arent. if you arent happy, move on

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Whosaysromance · 15/11/2011 14:56

I am not married, sorry. I should also mention, I have no intention of sleeping with him as long as I am in a relationship.

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ShirleyKnot · 15/11/2011 14:58

What is it you want to know?

You know what you should do, of course you do!

The "romance" of this will end up being skidmarked underpants and catching him picking his nose while he stares at the TV. I do not believe in destiny, fate or any other romantic claptrap that somehow absolves people from acting badly - as you are doing.

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AliceLost · 15/11/2011 14:59

If you don't think you have a good future with your current DP then separate.

Find yourself a nice boyfriend who doesn't cheat on his girlfriend/wife.

It's not about destiny.

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worldgonecrazy · 15/11/2011 14:59

Definitely leave your "DP" who doesn't sound very "dear" at all. I would not, however, immediately start a physical relationship with this married man. Wait for him to definitely leave his wife, and make sure he has actually left her, before you take things further with him.

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ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 15/11/2011 15:00

Yes it's wrong, and no you're not destined to be together. No one is. We are adults who make adult choices and cope with the fall out. Like adults. Don't try shifting the responsibility on to the fates or any other such guff.

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fluffyanimal · 15/11/2011 15:04

You need to separate out the issues of feeling unsatisfied with your relationship with DP and your emotional affair.
Firstly sort out your relationship with DP. It doesn't sound like he's that into you, and even if he were, you appear to want different things so it's probably best if you call it a day. If you aren't married and don't have children together, you have nothing to lose.
Next, I strongly suggest you don't pursue the relationship with the other man until you know for certain that he has left his wife.

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KRITIQ · 15/11/2011 15:05

It sounds like you need to sort out the situ with your BF first before embarking on a relationship of any kind with anyone else.

Much of what you are saying suggests that things aren't working in your current relationship. He doesn't demonstrate the affection that is important to you. He doesn't seem to want children when you do. You feel the relationship is conducted on "his terms." If this has been going on in this vein for 3 years, it's not likely it will change to something that you do feel happier with. So, if it's not working for you, it is your responsibility to call time on the relationship. It won't necessarily be painless or easy for either of you, but if it's going no where, there is no point in wasting your time and his on hoping it will.

I can understand why the flirtation with this distant colleague appeals to you. It seems "safe" because he is far away, so no "real" cheating can go on. He's being attentive and all those things your boyfriend isn't - or at least you are putting together an image of a person in your head who will be all these things. Whether he is quite like this in real life or whether a future relationship with him has any legs remains to be seen (and chances are, the rl person won't match your hopes and expectations - and same for any hopes or expectations he might have for you.)

The situation actually isn't messy at all, but it may be that you are constructing it in your mind as complicated to avoid tacking action that would clarify the situation for all concerned. Even if you haven't or won't physically cheat, you are being dishonest towards your current partner and imho, that can't continue.

It sounds like you need to end the relationship with the bf that isn't working, sooner the better. Once that is done, consider whether you want to pursue a relationship with this work colleague or not. It could be that when the bf is no longer in the frame, that prospect won't seem quite so appealing to either of you. That sometimes happens when you bring fantasy into the real world.

You know what you've got to do. Good luck.

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Whosaysromance · 15/11/2011 15:08

Thanks for your advice. You are right, i shouldn't pursue him till I know he has left his wife. I do not want him to cause any suffering to his wife.
I need to tackle my relationship I know.. I am trying to work out if he's just not that into me or its thats his personality. I am not sure if the relationship should survive.
To be honest I am not really someone who believes in destiny and that "clap trap" , usually I am such a realist.. crazy really what these feelings have done to me

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Hullygully · 15/11/2011 15:11

You have fallen for him because you are sad and lonely in your not great relationship.

Dump the current one, and then see what happens over time, don't rush into anything with old baggage man.

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ShirleyKnot · 15/11/2011 15:15

Ah you're just unhappy, when I'm unhappy I check my star signs in the hope that they'll say "On Wednesday you will win the lottery and meet the man of your dreams" but they never do. Sad

Just say to the other man "Sorry, we've gone too far and it's got to stop" and then deal with what you've got. If you're really unhappy then you can leave and start again!

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fuzzynavel · 15/11/2011 15:15

close one door before you open another.

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Bugsy2 · 15/11/2011 15:16

Whosays, your relationship is not working and someone has shown interest in you, flirted with you, been kind & a bit romantic. I really do understand how it would be easy to feel like you have fallen in love.
However, the reality is that he is married. Even if he may be a good match for you, can you imagine how really grim & messy it will be if/when he leaves his wife. You say he wants more children, which suggests he has children too. The fallout of leaving a wife & children will be massive. It won't be little romantic encounters that you will be dealing with but raw emotions - his & that of his family. His income & his relationship with any kids he has will be massively compromised.
You have to be really, really, really sure that he is the person you want to be with before you start proceeding down that route.

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tigermoll · 15/11/2011 15:20

You should definitely end your current r/ship, - the man makes you miserable, and you don't seem to make him over the moon, either. So do the decent thing, and leave him to his hobbies, his studies, his plans to live abroad, and all the other things he has in his life that he doesn't include you in. You've been together a while, its not worked, time to move on.

Now then, this Man of Destiny......feelings of attraction can be very powerful, especially if you are feeling starved of love and attention, and also with (maybe) pretty low self esteem (I say this because you have put up with a lukewarm r/ship for years without feeling you deserve better). I can see that this, coming when it does, feels overwhelming.

But open your eyes. Your prince is nothing special. You have mooned over him for months in safe cyberspace, reading his emails, imagining the connection between you, hearing his words said with the perfect inflection and tone, and building him into something he is not. And he has been doing the same to you. Probably while his wife is in the room with him. He's not a knight in shining armour, he's a grubby middle aged adulterer, who is having a fling because he's bored with his life. He is unlikely to leave his wife (he hasn't so far, even though he says he is in love with you) and if he does, what's to say in a few years, you won't be the wife at home, while be gets his kicks with some other cyberbuddy?

Put it this way: let's say you're right, and I'm wrong, and you guys are soulmates. You are meant to be together, and you will share a love that others merely dream of. Will all that be spoiled if you both behave decently, end your current relationships and move into separate houses, before you start seeing each other properly? Surely this eternal love you have can survive that slight setback? If you've got the rest of your lives together, why not do it right from the start?

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KRITIQ · 15/11/2011 15:40

I missed the bit where you say you have met in rl and that he was married, but my suggestions would still be the same.

When you met, you were both probably caught up in the excitement of the moment and on your very best behaviour. That's unlikely to be sustained over a long period of time.

It's up to the guy whether he decides his marriage isn't working and ends it with his wife or not. However, I would always hear at least the tinkling of alarm bells if someone is in one relationship and dipping his (or her) toe in the water of another before the business is "finished."

That can sometimes be a pattern for folks who are afraid to let go of what they have until they are pretty sure they have something better to jump into. Problem is, it's often the case that they rarely reach a stage of contentment in any relationship where they fully give up the, "keeping an eye out for something better," policy.

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Robotindisguise · 15/11/2011 15:41

Look, here's the thing. You are with a man who's obviously not in love with you and you're desperate for a bit of romance. You are 25. Please, please don't let some mid-life crisiser fuck up your 20s. You do not love Skype man, you are infatuated. Like gold and polished metal, they look very similar at first. I know you've fallen head over heels into this - but what you need is to work on your own self-esteem. Why are you hitching your wagon to these no-hopers? Be single. Have therapy. And enjoy being young.

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schmarn · 15/11/2011 16:23

The real test of this so-called match made in heaven is whether you have the courage to leave your current partner now before finding out whether things might work with your new man. If you're not prepared to do that then I'm afraid you are no different to every other cheating partner that wants to have their cake and eat it.

Everyone who has an affair (you are having an affair by the way, not an emotional affair, but an affair) believes their circumstances are special and that they are star crossed lovers destined to be together. But it's funny how it nearly always involves a cheating partner who wants to have the affair whilst also keeping their unknowing dupe of a partner in tow as a back-up if and when the affair fizzles out.

And believe me, it will fizzle out. Perhaps 5% of affairs end up in something permanent but in most cases they die for the simple reason that affairs are born out of duplicity and so if your new perfect man is capable of cheating on his wife and you are capable of cheating on your partner, what are the chances of one of you cheating on the other at some point in the future when the initial excitement has worn off to be replaced by the reality of smelly socks and farts under the duvet.

Do yourself a favour. Leave your partner and call it off with the adulterer. Regain some self esteem and then find someone who is single and who might make you happy.

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Whosaysromance · 15/11/2011 16:24

Thank you all. I am finding this hard. I don't want to fall into the pattern of only going out with unavailable losers. Most of your points I have already considered. I don't want to be like a silly teenager falling for someone who is flirting with me, I really don't..
I have also given so much thought to the fact that he is married and what would happen if they split up.. a whole new can of worms would be opened. ..
If only it could be easier... I am 32 btw and feel sad i have never met a man willing to commit fully to me...

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buzzswellington · 15/11/2011 16:33

Your OM is a fantasy figure, a displacement activity. You probably need to get out of your current relationship - it doesn't seem to be going anywhere that you want.

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Hissy · 15/11/2011 16:41

OK, I'll cut straight to it.

You ffing idiot!

This guy is married. Cheats Married Men are ALL desperate to leave their wives.

I am willing to bet that she doesn't have the first idea about it. Yet.

How many threads are there on here where wives come on and say, "he's not into me as much anymore", or "I sense something, but can't put my finger on it, still bonking etc etc etc, but there is something going on, its driving me mad, can't eat, can't sleep, feel tortured."

YOU are potentially the reason for some poor woman second guessing herself and wondering WTF is going on in her marriage.

He knows FULL WELL what he is doing and I'm willing to bet that you are not the first, and moreover will certainly not be the last. The man is nearly 50 and is this much of a dick. Precisely WHEN do you think he will grow up and be decent partner material? The answer to that is NEVER!

End it with him. He is not good enough for you. Full Stop. This is not love's young dream, it's an old bloke looking to trade in for a younger model.

End it with the DP too. Then work on your self esteem, try to find out why YOU put up with such miserable scenarios.

BUY your house, LIVE YOUR life and make yourself into a woman you can be proud of.

A mistress is a thing to be ashamed of, not something to aspire to.

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candytuft63 · 15/11/2011 16:59

Just spent ages working out my reply, but Hissy beat me to it. Remember that if he cheats on his wife like this - and cheating is what he is doing, you will NEVER be able to trust him. Mistresses need very hard hearts and no conscience - does that sound like you ?

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Scoundrel · 15/11/2011 17:15

When a married man dumps his wife for his mistress he creates and opening.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/11/2011 17:17

Neither DP or Mr Married Man is right for you so you'd be better off without either of them in your life. I wonder why you have seemingly settled for so little with regards to your partner. What on earth did your parents teach you about relationships?.

You have already fallen into the pattern of going out with unobtainable and emotionally unavailable losers but you can change that and you need now to be on your own. You need to drop these two now and do a lot of emotional work on your own self. All this for you is necessary because you could well end up repeating the same old mistakes that you are making now otherwise.

I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood and have counselling for your own self to rebuild your self esteem and worth. As it is, you are a gift for losers like these two men.

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