FIL & Wedding

[Glittermoo]

DP and I will be getting married soon. The problem is that his father hates me, he hasn't spoken to me in over 5 years, won't look at me, calls me nasty names and is generally quite a controlling nasty man.
I spoke to DP the other night about the wedding and he was insistent that he wanted his father to come (I obviously don't want him there). My family all dislike him for the way that he has treated me (I was only a teenager when it started) and I think it would cause an awful atmosphere on the day.
I don't know what to do, I can't tell DP that his own father can't attend but I don't feel comfortable with him being invited (we are not even sure if he would definitely attend because he has that much of a problem with me).

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Why does your man want his father to attend after presumably seeing how he has treated you?. What reasons does he give (for societal convention)?. How does he actually get on with his Dad?.

If you're getting married soon as well why don't you feel that you can talk to your man about this, surely you should be able to talk about everything even if the subject matter is difficult.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Marrying into the family will give your DP's father more opportunities to be nasty to you, not fewer. The time to set limits on his unacceptable behaviour is now, and your DP needs to be a part of that for it to be truly effective. He may not be ready, though, from the sound of it, and the journey to disengaging from his toxic parents is his to make and his alone.

Be warned though, that if you have toxic in-laws, and your spouse is still entangled with his toxic family, then you have marriage problems.

[LydiaWickham]

Would your FIL come to the wedding if he doesn't like you that much?

I can understand your DP wanting his Dad to be there for his wedding, but more as wanting his dad's approval for his choice in bride. You might have to deal with a disappointed DH if his dad doesn't turn up on the day.

I would say, your wedding is 1 day, your marriage is what matters, and part of that is you are joining DP's family. You should invite his father, if he comes, treat him with the respect the 'father of the groom' should have (even if he doesn't diserve it for the way he treated you), then you can hold your head up and say any family splits aren't due to your behaviour, but his.

[LydiaWickham]

True, but that's why DP might need to invite someone who if wasn't family, he'd not give the time of day. If you do'nt invite him, you'll be the one in the wrong and the reason DP is estranged from his father, if you do and he doesn't go, then that's FIL's problem/fault.

Also, if you don't invite him, would the rest of DP's family feel they have to take sides and possibly not go too? I can't imagine how upset DH would have been to see my side of the room full, his side of the room empty.

A wedding is just a day, but one that can cause bad feelings for a long, long time. Never do anything to get 'the perfect day' that you'll regret over Christmas dinner for the next 20+ years...

[Glittermoo]

Thank you for writing back.

His father as I previously mentioned can be extremely controlling with all of his children and as far as I can see from an outside perspective they all (even though most of them are now adults) still bow down to whatever it is he is demanding. DP's relationship with his dad can be volatile, he refuses to talk to his dad about me as he can be quite insulting and there have been many arguments on both sides about his behaviour.
You are all right in saying that I should talk to him and we have talked, it's a very emotive subject for him, he knows his dad is in the wrong but seems to be unable to put his foot down.
I seem to have got myself in to a rut, we just ignore eachother if we come acorss eachother at family gatherings but of course that doesn't sort the situation. I can put up with the fact that we don't get on and don't speak but I don't want him to be there ruining what is supposed to be the happiest day of our lives.

Toxic is a perfect word to describe him. Thank you for the advice.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Here's a book you might find useful: toxic in-laws

[Glittermoo]

LydiaWickham You are right in that it would cause a split in the family and I really do not want our wedding to be the cause of that, I want it to be a happy occasion. I just feel that everyone has let his father get away with his selfish behaviour for so long by not standing up to him that just inviting him allows him to continue. It's a difficult one.

[Glittermoo]

Thanks for the book link, I shall have a look at that.

[HappyCamel]

You have my sympathy OP, I had the same problem. FIL didn't turn up, effectively ohaning DH on his wedding day cos his mum died some time ago.

4 years on and we have DD so one he's trying to be nice. I'm coolly polite and leave it at that.

My mother taught me to always be the better person so you can't be criticised. Do the bare minimum but be polite, you'll have years of putting up with him so don't make it hard on yourself.

[QuintessentialShadow]

Can you postpone your wedding until your partner has decided where his priorities are?

I would not marry into a family where my partner accepted such treatment of me.

[Glittermoo]

Thanks Happy, I know you are right and that being the bigger/better person is the right way to go, I can just imagine walking up the aisle and hearing him make a negative comment about the way I look.
If he does come I'll be upset and if he doesn't DP will!

[Glittermoo]

QuintessentialShadow my thoughts are a bit muddled on this, on one hand I think I'm not marrying DP for his family so why should I care about the way they act but on the other hand I do think why should he be allowed to treat me in this way without something being said.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

If he does come I'll be upset and if he doesn't DP will!

This is why it's important for both of you - esp your DP - to put to rest any illusions that this man can ever be a good and loving father or FIL. Your DP wants his fther there because he wants a father. This man will never fulfill that aching need of his, and he's only going to get hurt over and over again until the day he gives up the dream.

Many never do.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

I just feel that everyone has let his father get away with his selfish behaviour for so long by not standing up to him

Yup. And it's the only way the rest of the family know how to act around him. It is not healthy, but it takes a great change in circumstance, or great strength of will, for someone stuck in that kind of toxic family system to recognise it for what it is, and act to break out of their assigned role (submission to and silence about the behaviour of the out-of-control family member).

Your DP knows of no other kind of family life, poor man.

[Glittermoo]

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow You are completely right in both of your points, I feel for DP, he has been put in an awkward situation and he doesn't feel there is much he can do about it.
cat64 I think the you are right we need to sit down and discuss what is acceptable and what isn't and most of his behaviour is not what I would deem acceptable from an adult but we will have to see what happens if he gets confronted with it face on.
Again thanks for all of your replies.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

IME, having A Talk with this kind of person is useless.

Pulling them up every single time they misbehave, at the very moment of the misbehaviour, can sometimes bear fruit over time, if it is repeated with firmness, fairness and especially consistency.

[babyhammock]

What puppy said exactly. I also think that unless your DP starts standing up for you/really realises what his dad is doing, you will have problems.

[Trifle]

If your dp upsets his dad, all hell will break loose, he'll be cut off, exonerated, cold shouldered, ignored until he grovels sufficiently to appease the old man's ego.

You, on the other hand, will be much easier to placate therefore you will always take second place and his dad will always get what he wants.

If your dp will not put you first in his life then I would question just how much value he places on your relationship.