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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Might be the wrong place but I've bottled this for too long and want to talk about the sexual abuse I suffered as a child

91 replies

AshamedAndAngry · 10/11/2011 20:13

I have spoken about it on here briefly before but bottled it and asked for the thread to be deleted. I've name changed now though and closed profile.

I've never spoken to it before, not really, I've mentioned it but been too ashamed to go into it fully. Perhaps I need counselling. Maybe this will be cathartic. It's affected my whole adult life and sex life, I think it's also made me attention seeking or maybe I am just an attention seeker, I dunno.

I never told my parents, it would rip them apart. Someone else once told a story about this man, it's virtually identical to mine. No one believed her. I believe but have no evidence that two other girls were also abused, I'd like to ask but I can't really.

I feel it's my fault, I didn't have to visit him as a child, I could have avoided but I didn't, what must that say about me? I guess it went on between the ages of 7 and 12, I remember the first time clearly. He used to give my money, make me promise to hide the money and make me promise to never say anything. An adult friend once asked where I'd got my money, I told her but said it was a secret, why didn't she delve deeper?

OP posts:

Report

budgieshell · 10/11/2011 20:21

I think you should try councelling. Well done on making the first step, I'm sure a few lines on MN is not all you want to say about how you feel.

Don't leave it too long I know an older lady who didn't tell anyone about her abbusive childhood and now realises how different her life would have been if she could have spoken about it sooner.

MangoMonster · 10/11/2011 20:22

What he did was wrong on so many levels. It's not you fault and you weren't old enough to stop it. Please don't blame yourself. I think counselling could help you. Sorry for what you've been through. Please remember you were a trusting child and he was an adult, he was the one who was in the wrong. It's great you are sharing your experience, I hope it helps you. Big hugs.

ShockinHolyTempers · 10/11/2011 20:26

I feel it's my fault, I didn't have to visit him as a child, I could have avoided but I didn't, what must that say about me?

It doesn't say anything about you OP, you were a CHILD.

A child doesn't have the nous that an adult has. It is not your fault. Loads of abusers manipulate children into thinking things are their faults, it's not your fault.

feralgirl · 10/11/2011 20:28

Yes you definitely need counselling and ultimately you should also go to the police, even if it was a long time ago it's still a crime. Counselling should help you have the strength to tell the police and your family about what happened to you.

I'm terribly, terribly sorry for your ordeal but you must get help and do what you can to bring the perpetrator to justice, posting on here suggests that you're ready to start talking about it. Please please do get help as you say it's affected your whole adult life. I hope that you can find some peace.

girliefriend · 10/11/2011 20:28

Definately try counselling, you don't want this to affect the rest if your life.

He is a peadaphile - if you can talk to the police.

It was not your fault.

AshamedAndAngry · 10/11/2011 20:28

What happens at counselling? Do you just talk? Do they ask questions, I don't even know if I could talk, speak about it, how would j start? I've told a couple of people, not in huge detail, but I think it embarrasses them, they don't know what to say and I end up apologising. I don't know of I can face the embarrassment of someone stumbling for words again. And i haven't even mentioned the money part, to me that is the worst part.

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AshamedAndAngry · 10/11/2011 20:29

No point in the police. He is dead.

I cried at his funeral

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villagegossip · 10/11/2011 20:30

I can empathise as was also abused from a very young age which initially affected my adult life and sexual relationships. I too plucked up the courage to confide in adults and was not taken seriously but I now realise thAt I cannot let that man define me now. I have to move on from that confused child in order to not let him 'win' iyswim.

Counselling can help, I tried this and hypnotherapy but it's hard to not get consumed by it sometimes :-(

AshamedAndAngry · 10/11/2011 20:32

I'm sorry that you experienced similar village.

Sometimes it's not even there not even on the edge of my mind. Sometimes something will remind me of him, of it and it's right there in my head. I feel very angry about him, I remember stuff and I feel sick

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MangoMonster · 10/11/2011 20:32

I would think counsellors would be able to hear it and not be embarrassed. Try it and see how you feel.

villagegossip · 10/11/2011 20:34

Mine is also dead - doesn't make it go away does it?

The money is irrelevant. He used that as a bargaining tool and silencer.

AshamedAndAngry · 10/11/2011 20:36

I think maybe him being dead is worse. I hate that I cried, sobbed at his funeral, I hate that he will never ne known as a paedophile, he was a local character, very popular and loved, I hate that he in death is respected. My dad talks fondly of him and I want to scream.

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playdead · 10/11/2011 20:42

It really is not your fault. You were a child who was groomed and manipulated by an adult. Part of the grooming process is to make the child think it is their choice and their fault.

Talking to someone who will not judge you or blame you will really help.

AshamedAndAngry · 10/11/2011 20:53

It feels that way. I don't understand it. I hated it, I know that so why didn't I just steer clear?

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AshamedAndAngry · 10/11/2011 20:56

The girl with the story the same ad mine. No one believed her, everyone cast doubt over her story. I wish I could tell her that I know it's true. I don't know her though and I'd hate for her to tell everyone.

Why do people not believe her though. Would someone make something like that up? I feel very sad for her.

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AshamedAndAngry · 10/11/2011 21:13

I seem to have killed my thread. I will slope off again now

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AnyFucker · 10/11/2011 21:17

You haven't killed your thread

There are people listening, more than you will ever know.

You have no reason on earth to be feel ashamed. Angry ? Yes. Not at yourself though.

The shame is not yours.

He may be dea, but the shame is still his, whether the wider world is aware of it or not.

He knew, you knew, and now we know . xx

AnyFucker · 10/11/2011 21:17

dead

Samvet · 10/11/2011 21:21

Don't slope. You are not alone, there are many survivors of similar things. Councilling is excellent and it is what you want it to be. The whole going through it stuff doesn't do it for me so I did CBT.
I can honestly tell you that at 33 I am over it. It no longer affects me. There is a great future for you IF you deal with it. If you ignore it it has a habit of poisoning things. PM me if I can help you. You may not get justice now but you can stop his actions affecting you anymore.

NicknameTaken · 10/11/2011 21:21

I'm so sorry for little girl you, who was made to feel guilty and dirty and ashamed, and who has been carrying this for so long. Using money and other tactics to make you feel complicit is a typical strategy. So much evil in someone who portrayed himself as Mr Popularity.

friskybiscuit · 10/11/2011 21:24

You feel guilty and responsible because this abusive, maniipulative man made you feel that. It's part of a grooming technique used by people to exert power and control. You were a young trusting child who was in no way to blame for what happened to you. Please don't stop talking, either here or in rl. Take care of yourself.x

IDontWantToBeHereAnyMore · 10/11/2011 21:25

Ashamed you haven't killed your thread. I read it. I feel deeply sorry for you, but I have no experience of this and so no advice really :(
But I would have thought that counselling would help. Counsellors often specialise in particular areas and you can often contact them intially by email so you could ask whether they can help re child abuse. I'm also as certain as I can be, that they wouldn't stumble for words. A good counsellor will ask questions, but only questions that would enable you to talk if you felt able to. I think you have made a good start by posting on here about it.
Wishing you the very best of luck in sorting this out.
And lastly, it's not and wasn't ever, your fault.

MangoMonster · 10/11/2011 21:30

You haven't killed your thread, I really feel for you OP and I really admire you talking about it. Hope it's helping, you're doing the right thing.

No matter who you ask, it will still not be your fault. It was most definitely his wrong doing. Everyone will agree with that. You were a child, please absolve yourself of all responsibility for it. You were not part of it, it was his doing x

AshamedAndAngry · 10/11/2011 21:36

Thank you for your very kind messages, it really does help. I know logical it wasn't my fault if the exact same thing happened to dd of course none of the blame would lie with her in my eyes. Yet I can't escape that feeling, I don't know why, I just can't escape the money, it seems so greedy and sordid, I hate myself for my greed allowing me to be put in such a position.

I also wonder whether his wife knew yet turned a blind eye, she used to go upstairs for a nap, I'm talking a tiny cottage here not a huge house.

I wish he wasn't dead yet I'm glad he is. I wish I'd spoken out at the time, the other girl, she's younger than me, it may not have happened to her

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AshamedAndAngry · 10/11/2011 21:37

I'm sorry I'm a bit disjointed in all this. It's strange yet not nice but a relief to say all of this.

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