If your partner was having an affair, how did you find out? did you get them to confess?

[BeattieBow]

I have a couple of other threads on this (see here and here sorry they're both very long ), but all the evidence seems to be pointing to my H having an affair.

Of course he's denying this, and as he's moved out, I can't see his emails/phones etc, but I wondered if anyone managed to get their H to confess. If not, how did you find out about the affair? What sign or evidence alerted you to it? I suspect I just have to wait and see, but I'm not very good at that!

[Bogeyface]

Does it really matter?

I am not being horrible, but as you have kicked him out and are consulting lawyers, I assume for divorce, what difference would it make to find out that he was having an affair? He obviously doesnt want to discuss it with you so pushing the issue will only make a hard situation harder and it wont change anything between you will it?

Chances are, if you think he is seeing someone else then he is. Intuition is rarely wrong about these things (unless you are extremely paranoid).

Why is it so important to you to find out something? He is obviously an abusive wanker, and that isnt your fault, but perhaps you are wondering if it was so if he was having an affair you can be certain that it really wasnt your fault? Well you are not to blame for this. The way he has treated you has been appalling and you dont need to take any responsibility for that.

I think if you can, you need to let the obsessing of the a possible affair go, and deal with things as they are. Would you want him back either way? If not then why let it eat you up?

[RosalindFranklinsNobelPrize]

I can see why the OP wants to know.

[BeattieBow]

actually it does matter. Not because of the end result etc, but it does really matter to me if he's shagging someone else, been lyng to me and possibly thinking of moving in with her/spending money that could be directed at me and his children. So yes, it matters.

I'm not obsessed that he's having an affair. I am obsessed about the reason for the change in his behaviour and for his awful treatment of me. But then again I have spent 23 years with this man, have 5 children with him and 1 on the way. I have tied all of my financial eggs up in his basket. So I think that I am entitled to worry a little about why he has suddenly become like this to me. Along with the affair possibility, I am also considering the possibility that he is abusive naturally and it has just come out, or that he just hates me, or that he is having a breakdown. i would like to know why this is happening to me.

[Bogeyface]

I'm a bit confused! I wrote that post based on what you said about kicking him out and consulting lawyers, it sounded like you had split up.

But the way you are writing now, it sounds like you are still together....

If he wont discuss it then I dont think that there is anything you can do about it, espcially without access to his phone/emails. If it wont affect the end result and you are seperated then what he has to pay you and kids wont be affected by what he is spending on another woman, especially if you go through the CSA.

I just wonder if focussing on the possibility of an affair and trying to find out why things have happened when he doesnt want to discuss it with you, is preventing you from moving on.

[BeattieBow]

no we're not together - I threw him out because he kept being really horrible to me, and in front of the children. I found it too upsetting and so did they. I have started to speak to lawyers because I want to protect myself in the event we divorce.

I am not thinking about getting back together with him, but i only threw him out last month, so nor am I thinking yet of moving on. For some reason I really want to know why he has become like this, then I feel that I can deal with it and move on in whichever direction I need to move on.

You're right it's probably counterproductive, but I can't just end this whole relationship which has taken up most of my adult life and produced 5 children just like that.

[noddyholder]

I think after 23 years I would want the whole truth as I probably couldn't really move on and accept such a huge life change without knowing the whole story. FWIW I think he is probably not having an affair as I have seen this scenario a few times and it has been a bit more mid life crisis but obviously without proof it is just a hunch. Some men with lids reach mid 40s have a drop in testosterone and go totally loopy. The new job may have put him back in the sort of atmosphere etc of his youth and that coupled with the massive responsibility of family life does sometimes tip people over the edge. If he is like any man I know who has been in this situation you can bet deep down he doesn't really think its over and is merely seeing it as a break from the pressures which he can enjoy while blaming you for kicking him out.

[Goldenbear]

I think bogeyface is wrong in her/his analysis of your situation. It is not counter-productive to find answers or explanations for behaviour that will end a huge chapter in your life. You need these to move on.

FWIW, I can only contribute to this thread with knowledge I have from my experiences from my childhood when my father had a few affairs. I would say the signs are there - he is trying to alleviate the guilt by making out that you fall down at every level. Although they're friends now my dad still lists all these reasons that drove him away.

He was hideous to us at the time as well - my brother and I felt like irritations. I remember one particular incident when my DB cut his head open playing football in the street, it was horrific, blood all down his white school shirt, an ambulance on its way. My mum was at an aerobics class so in desperation I rang my dad who I thought would respond in a troubled way and reassure me (i was 10), instead he said, 'oh FFS, I am going to have to come home early.' Anyway, it was peculiar behaviour we had never been made to feel like that before by him. The irritation was really because he had other plans with the OW!

[IfOnlyICould]

I doubt you will get him to confess.
Private detective?

[Bogeyface]

I havent said it is counter-productive to find out, but that it may be to try and force him to discuss it when he is refusing to do so. Surely there must come a point where you have to say "enough" and accept that you will never know.

I based my OP on the what was written, I didnt know at that point that they had only been split up for a month. I understand why she wants to know I just think that trying to force a confession may end up more frustrating when that confession doesnt come.

And it doesnt change the outcome at all, so I was wondering whether focussing on getting him to fess up was distracting the OP from trying to herself together and move on to the next period in her life.

I am sympathetic, believe me!

[Hissy]

I think it would make better and more constructive use of your energy to leave him for dust and not think about what he's doing and why.

I think your instincts are probably right and time will tell. meanwhile detach, relax and allow yourself to rise back up to your rightful place.

Don't get hung up on him, it shows exactly what a spineless twunt he really is if he can't just be honest. You are owed that at the very least.

Write him off, and treat him openly like something YOU stepped in, cos that is about right.

(((((hugs)))))

[BeattieBow]

you're right hissy. I know that. i am trying to detach. and anyway my feelings change from day to day. today I don't care whether he is having an affair. I just hate him anyway. I had an awful teenagerish row with dd1 and she shouted at me that she wants to live with daddy. I hate that he is going out every night, never has them to stay over and gets to play fundad with them once a week.

i hate that he is refusing to get a flat. refusing to let me move - that he thinks it's ok for me to sleep on the sofa here. that he isn't cooperating with bank accounts, not telling his mum because he doesn't want to hurt her. that I have 2 cats that he won't take responsbility for, so I have to do the cat litter every day (am pregnant). it's irrelevant actually why he's doing all of this. It just makes me so f*cking angry.

(I emailed his mother myself tell his morning - I don't see why he's refusing to tell her. Hopefully she'll make him take responsibility for his actions, since I can't).

[BeattieBow]

I guess I'm not very detached if I'm so angry! oh well. I'm trying

[weevilswobble]

He's having a midlife crisis. He's being critical of you, because he's feeling rubbish himself. Be strong, be wonderful, be full of love, be the bigger better person. Dont get dragged down. He's probably obsessed by some flirty tart.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

If he is refusing to leave, I would advise you to get legal advice - perhaps from the local CAB.

[Bogeyface]

I agree with Mad, you need legal advice.

This situation, regardless of how it happened, is cruel and unbearable for you. He is being selfish and nasty and is also playing fast and loose with your health (sleeping on the sofa when you are pregnant?!) and your babys, with the cat litter thing.

You dont need his permission to get him out of the house, and you dont need his permission to move. However, you do need some support and I agree that CAB or a solicitor should be your next move.

Take care, I am thinking of you.

[BeattieBow]

actually he has moved out already. I'm on the sofa because we rented a small flat in order to be in a catchment area of a good secondary school. I've done that application now, but in any case, didn't expect to be pg and alone. it's become intolerable as I need to go to bed early every night, have terrible ms and also have to walk up 2 flights of stairs. He agreed that I could look for somewhere else. To start with he didn't see why I needed my own bedroom, but I insisted, but he's blocking this every step of the way. We both need to serve notice on the landlord, and he's refusing. he's refusing to co-operate with finding a deposit etc, and he's saying that I could put up with the flat. I just can't really.

I can't get through to him that he can't say such unpleasant things to me, and justify it by saying he's tired/stressed/angry. He says there is 2 sides to this marriage breakdown, but I fail to see what I've done (what anyone could have done) to deserve it. He says he would move back in tomorrow if I wanted, but what a choice for me - to have him back abusing me on an almost daily basis, just to get some help. It's just not happening. Meanwhile he's saying that it's all my fault that he's gone, that I am mad, deranged etc.

I have had enough really. I only see him once a week, but he is so controlling of my life just by being obstructive.

[Bogeyface]

Well of course it is your fault! If you werent so unreasonable as to pick him up on the appalling way he is treating you then HE would be happy, how you feel doesnt matter does it?!

I am sure that there is a legal way around his refusal to co-operate with the LL. CAB or Shelter may be able to help you with that, or a solicitor.

He wants to have it all his own way and the fact that you are not letting him is why he is ramping up the abuse and the control.

Get legal advice, you dont have to put up with this crap.