Discovered H's affair one year ago today

[seachange]

his time last year I had known about H's affair for just under 24 hours. Had a long-running thread Nov till March, then another one in March when H actually left. Namechanged and asked for both of them to be deleted when I found out OW had been reading them. :(

Thank you so much to all those who replied back then, the support on here was tremendous. It was a horrific time, but would have been worse without your stories, advice and simply just being there to listen. 

H left OW after 3 weeks, and rented a flat near us (me and 3 DCs). He moved back in in June. We went to counselling. We're doing ok.

Thank you 

[sheba2288]

Hi Seachange
So glad to hear that you are OK. I remember your thread well, as I was going through a similar thing.

H and I are also heading on a more positive road. Survival/recovery after an affair is possible. You just have to both work at it to do so.

Onwards and upwards!

[seachange]

Hi Sheba, have been thinking about you! Glad things are going well still. Time is a huge factor, as is seeing genuine and in some ways quite drastic changes in H.

Have been wanting to be on MN but was often too painful. Maybe as am feeling better can offer some support back. It's tragic the regularity with which the same stories crop up again and again :(

But, as you say, the outcome doesn't have to be set in stone.

[carantala]

Hi Seachange, Pleased that things are working out for you!

Best wishes

[seachange]

Thank you :)

[Saffron]

17 years ago after a relationship which had lasted 6 years, I found out about my dh's affair, I was 6 months pregnant with our first child. We split up for 3 years, during which time, H cried on my shoulder (I was 9 months pregnant at this time) that the other woman had dumped him. BASTARD. I don't think to this day, he realises how hard that was for me to hear. We have know been a couple again for 14 years. It takes a long time to forgive, and its not something you can ever forget, (especially if the Other Woman in question is your SIL's best friend and lives in the same village as you!!) but it is possible to move forward, to move on, hard but very possible. Good luck, and best wishes.

[Saffron]

Please ignore my spellings, I am tired.

[ohgawdherewegoagain]

I admire you all greatly for having the guts to dig deep and work on your relationships and travel down the very difficult path of forgiveness and re-connection. I'm sitting here this morning, working my up to the end of the month when I will be 50 and the process of getting to this age means I have been going through the downs in my life which includes re-visiting the pain of losing the love of my life to infidelity. Like many of them, his life did not work out with the OW. I know my life has been better for leaving him as he was emotionally abusive. (Didn't know he was until I found Mumsnet - but I did love him more than anyone else I've had relationships with!), but boy, am I sad at all the time I have spent single. So, back you to you, good luck and I hope you have a lovely Sunday.

[countingto10]

Please to see an up-date from you.

As someone who is walking/has walked the path you have chosen, good luck and best wishes, there will be (and I am sure there are) times when you will think is this worth it, sometimes 2 steps forward and 3 back etc, in these times we just had to re-group and think of where we wanted to be in terms of the family, step back and give each other space (which is what I needed most of the time).

Are you concentrating on yourself more ? Re-discovered a much loved hobby etc? Are you getting enough time to spend on yourself ? This was something that was pivotal to mine and DH's recovery.

Remember one day at a time and tomorrow is another day (these were said a lot in the early days ).

You have to make sure that your marriage is a better one now otherwise there is no point to all the pain.

[ImperialBlether]

I was really shocked to hear that his girlfriend was reading your messages on here. Did your partner know you went on MN? Was it a complete fluke that led her to read them? How did you find out she'd read them?

It would be my idea of hell to unburden myself here when the cause of my problems was reading what I was writing.

[seachange]

Thanks Saffron.

ohgawd that's so sad. Sounds like you were better off without him, but such a tragic and devastating way to separate. Hope you had a good Sunday too (and that you find someone to love just as much, if that's not too cheesy!)

countingto10 you were one of the people I was thinking of :) Sometimes it overwhelms me still, sometimes I wish he hadn't come back and we didn't have to work on it. But I'm learning to just go with these feelings and let it all wash over me, because most of the time now I don't feel like that, and the times I do are getting less and less. I am trying to be kind to myself still (am I right in thinking you got a horse? ) and our marriage is unrecognisable. Family and friends say it's like DH has had a personality transplant. 

ImperialBlether it was just horrible. I felt completely violated. H had mentioned in passing to OW that I used MN (before I found out I think) and I wasn't careful with hiding details or anything - absolutely poured my heart out on here. My agony was palpable, and I'll never understand how OW was able to read about how something she was part of was completely destroying someone else's life, and be unaffected by it. She even taunted me with it in the end, by text saying she's been reading about me since whenever, and "you don't know anything about me but I know about you". Shudder.

But, I wasn't ashamed of anything I wrote. I was more embarrassed and furious that she knew everything H was telling me about ending their relationship was a pack of lies. I guess she would have read what I thought of her (incomprehension, mostly, disgust and pity) and what others thought. And in the end it was how she discovered that H had been lying to her as much as me, when I posted that he told me he didn't want to be with her anymore and wanted to come home. Dumped by MN, a classy end for a classy lady.

[AnyFucker]

Hi there

Glad to see things are working out for you

What a horrible, horrible experience you have had

I am glad to see you back. Like countingto10 and others, you have much to offer the, sadly, numerous women who post on here in the early stages of discovery who just don't know which way to turn

As I'm sure you can attest to, how you react in those early weeks can be crucial to your self esteem surviving intact

All the best x

[castille]

hi seachange, lovely to see you back

You & i were going through the same thing a couple of months apart. I'm so glad your H eventually came to his senses, saw your worth (and OW's lack of same) and that things are working out for you now. It sounds like your H is a changed man!

Be happy!

[seachange]

Hi AF :) 

It's mind boggling how common this is, isn't it? TBH I don't know much about self-esteem, I think sometimes those first few days and weeks were about surviving, full stop. 

What was important to me was that I didn't do anything I would regret, and didn't close any doors permanently until I was absolutely 100% sure I wanted them closed. Which in the end of course I wasn't. 

Communication was also key. H thought he had gone too far for there to be any hope of salvaging our relationship, while I thought that he didn't love us any more and that was that. Fortunately we managed to communicate that to each other (well, I wrote him a letter and he came back within 20 minutes of reading it). Makes me wonder how many marriages end because H's and W's never manage to get their real feelings across, because they're afraid of (the very real possibility) of being rejected or hurt even more. 

There is nothing about these situations that is not desperately sad :(

[seachange]

Hi castille, not sure I've kept up with your name changes (if there were any - were there any fish involved at any point?) Sorry! Hope you're doing ok.

[gemmummy]

i discovered my H's affair 2 weeks ago today.

[seachange]

I'm so sorry gemmummy. You're welcome to post here but you might get more responses if you start your own thread x

[maleview70]

Just out of interest, why are so many Women so forgiving? My take on life is that one door closes another one opens.

Is it because of the kids and keeping the family together? Is it fear of being alone? Were you really that "in love" that you just had to get back together? Was it fear of failure?

Would you have stayed if you didnt have children?

I am not criticising your decisions, just interested as to why?

[seachange]

The kids had a part to play, definitely. My faith was a huge factor too - divorce would have been the absolute last resort (although I did think we were there when H moved in with OW). 

I wasn't afraid of being alone - I was the one to chuck H out when I found out he was still seeing her. And I certainly wasn't "in love" with him, he was being unimaginably vile. 

I don't know what would have happened if we didn't have children - H might not even have had an affair, as a big part of it was him running away from his responsibilities. 

I think that although I wasn't in love with him, I still really cared for him and knew he was throwing his life away. The worst thing I could have done to him, the way to hurt him the most, would have been to leave the two of them to each other. I knew I would be fine.

But I didn't want to do that, so I gave him a way to come back if he wanted. For my conscience's sake I needed to be able to say I did everything I could to save the marriage. I didn't for a second think he would take it, but H totally called my bluff!

That's the best way I can describe what happened. 

[AnotherMumOnHere]

It is such a common occurrance (affairs I mean) that many/most people are good at jumping on the leave him/dont take it/get out now bandwagon. Personally, I think every case is difference and what works for one will not work for the other.

I'm so glad you and your partner/husband have worked things out and I'm also glad for the many others too.

It really is good to hear there is a happy ending even if it isnt something that happens overnight.

Good Luck all.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Seachange - glad to hear things are working out ok.

I know just what a horrible, shocking and traumatic experience it is - so sad to see so many other women going through the same thing. I am happy to say though that we are much happier than we have been for a while.

Maleview - I've always said that I would leave my H if he had an affair but life isn't black and white. Children were a factor but I knew we could survive without him. What made me decide after a few months to stick with him was our shared history, the fact that he was a great husband and father up until just before the affair and most of all that he worked very hard to mend the marriage and help us recover. He says that him having to look long and hard at his own failings and character flaws was very tough, no wonder many men do not want to do it.

I didn't want to throw away 22 years without being sure there was no chance of making it work.

[maandpa]

Oh my goodness, that is SO good to know seachange !!!!

I'm so happy you are doing OK and I'm really glad you came back to up date us.

A while ago a got a PM from you, right then my laptop broke and took ages to get fixed, and then I couldn't remember my pass word. So I'm triple glad that I dropped by the relationships board!! I often thought about your thread (the first one) and hoped that you would both pull through.

I'm 16 months post revelation of infidelity. And dh and I are doing well.

Onwards and upwards. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

M&P xxxxx

[maandpa]

Yes gemmummy Good luck with the journey you are going on right now.

[castille]

no, no fish involved that I remember!

Sadly, we aren't doing as well as you, Madabout and M&P, mainly because my H has so many character flaws, most of which he has barely admitted, let alone addressed.

But I'm ok. I'm pretty sure the DC & I would be fine without him, which is the main thing.

I hope you all continue with your upward trends, and a special good luck to gemmummy

[100emotionsin1day]

seachange, great to see you back and glad to hear everything's going well!

[seachange]

Thanks AnotherMumOnHere. Not happening overnight is right! WWIFN and others used to say it takes about 2 years to feel relatively back to normal, although as you say everyone's different. It's just over 7 months now since H committed to us properly, and I am feeling much better. 

MadAboutHotChoc that's great. Them doing a huge amount of work is so important and absolutely key I think. There are always things that the betrayed partner can do to be a better husband/wife, but I think the onus is on the partners who had the affair to take a long hard look at themselves and work out what allowed them to be so selfish, deceitful and cruel (as we can all be to a greater or lesser extent). If they can pinpoint that and want to change, there is definitely hope.

Hi maandpa so good to hear that you are doing well too. Shame that "surviving an affair" thread that Sheba started has faded away. Hope everyone else on there is still ok.

castille I'm sorry things aren't going so well for you :( Do you have a time limit, or any ultimatums? I think back in March I was resigned to just carrying on even though H and everything was awful, but thankfully in a way I found out he was still seeing OW, which helped me to finally kick him out. It was only experiencing first hand what losing us was really like that made him change. 

Thanks 100emotions :)

gemmummy hope you are ok. Do you want to talk about it?