Is she trying to ruin my marriage?

[oceana]

Hi everyone. I haven't been here for ages. I just don't know where to turn with this. It is driving me crazy and I thought maybe if I post it here then it might help... I don't know. OK, so my husband went out with work a couple of days ago. I got a (very drunken) phonecall from him to tell me that one of the women who work for him (lets call her woman A) put lipstick marks on his collar. I've never met this woman and I told him I was angry that she'd mess with my marriage like that. He got abusive with me and hung up. The following day I was absolutely furious about it and I was going to go into his office to have a chat with woman A (this is unlike me. I do not like confrontation but I really felt this was completely unacceptable behaviour). Anyway, my husband came home at lunchtime. Everyone in his office knew he was coming home and knew why. About 40 mins after he left (so she knew he would have been home) she starts sending him texts, really overly familiar texts calling him nicknames and "hun" etc. She says in these texts that there are photos of him on another girl's phone that "ya wife wouldn't want to see". She is making out that there are these really incriminating photos. So bad that one has been deleted so that the girl who's phone it was on wouldn't "get in trouble with her boyfriend and your wife". He called the girl with the pics and asked her about them. she said it was just a pic of three of the girls sort of hanging off him and she was kissing him on the cheek. Anyway, I don't know if that's true or not. all I can think is that there is absolutely no reason for woman A to be texting him about this. I don't know this girl who apparently has these photos nor would I ever have access to these pictures so why the need to text my husband about it when she knows he is with me?? My head is spinning. My husband says he's had stern words with woman A and that she knows now she has to keep it professional... but I don't know. Now I am doubting everything. I have never encountered anything like this before and I really don't know what to do or how to handle it. I'd really really really love any help anyone can give me. I live away from home (other side of the world!) and I really have no support here.
If you've read to here... well done :) and thanks xx

[oceana]

Oh I also have 2 small children

[Thumbwitch]

Wow, sorry you're having to deal with this! It all sounds a bit odd, tbh - I can see that if they were playing a prank on him he would phone you to warn you that the lipstick marks were a prank; but then why would he get abusive and hang up on you?

I can't understand why he came home at lunchtime, nor why everyone in the office knew that he was doing so and why - ok, he wanted to stop you going in to the office but why tell everyone?

It could be a prank, it could be that there is an affair and she is trying to up the ante so you find out, I can't really tell - but it seems most peculiar.

How is your DH being over it - is he telling you it's all in your head and you've nothing to worry about or is he taking your concerns seriously?

[BebeBelge]

Hi Oceana! I don't blame you for being furious but please don't go and talk to woman A. If she does have designs on breaking up your marriage, then that is exactly the reaction she will want. You will embarrass your husband in the workplace and maybe turn him against you. If I were you I would focus your attention on your husband. You say he has spoken to woman A so give him the benefit of the doubt and wait and see but DO tell him how hurt you are that he would flirt to that extreme with colleagues of all people (dangerous territory in itself) and that you want to be treated more respectfully in future because even if he doesn't think he has done anything particularly wrong, you do, and THAT should matter to him as your husband.

I know exactly how you feel by the way - on the other side of the world, 2 small dc etc. My DH is everything to me and my family my whole world at the moment. If I felt it was threatened, I would go mental too, but try and be the better person in all this and see how it pans out first.

Take care x

[oceana]

Thank you so much for responding. He came home at lunchtime I guess because he didn't want me to come in to the office. He sent an email to his boss to let him know why he was leaving early so his boss knew (I saw this email) and my husband says everyone else knew because he had words about the inappropriate behaviour from the night before.

If it's a prank though, why send the texts? Why, when you know this man's wife is upset, send something that she might see? I can see the lipstick thing may have been a misguided prank but the texts seem more malicious

He seems to be taking my concerns seriously although like I say, I am now questioning everything. Is he just saying the things he needs to say to me to smooth things over? Are they all having a right laugh about the snivelling little wifey at home (NOT that I am!! Snivelling I mean!)

[oceana]

I know you're right, bebe. Very wise. I just feel so angry and disrespected and attacked and I have nowhere to direct my anger but at him. I guess that's playing straight into her hands but I honestly don't know what else to do. suck it up I guess. Harder than it seems

[MadAboutHotChoc]

I may be cynical but I have a feeling there is more to this....how have you both been getting on recently? Has he been distant with you?

[LancsDad]

Assuming things are as he says I understand why he was annoyed when he rang you to to tell you about the lipstick.

He presumably felt uncomfortable having lipstick on his shirt and wanted to tell you it was a prank and that there was, therefore, no reason to get angry and worry about the woman when he got home. You got angry and went on about the woman ruining your marriage anyway - that would have pissed me off, too, as I'd think you hadn't believed / trusted me.

As for the other stuff she sounds like a malicious bitch who has some sort of crush on him. Similar happened to a mate with a barmaid in a pub we used to go in - she got hold of his HOME number and left suggestive message on answering machine. His girlfriend was the VERY jealous type and he got serious grief - she even started ringing my wife to check where I was if he'd said he was with me. She went to the pub in the end and it ended up with the girlfriend getting a police caution as it got out of hand and she hit the barmaid.

Of all my mates he is the last one who would cheat on his gf.

Confronting her is a bad idea in my view.

LD

[WineAndPizza]

Poor you! This woman sounds like a nightmare. Your DH seems to be handling it well as far as I can see - he is telling you about things as they happen, letting you see messages, and confronting people about pictures etc - he doesn't seem to be going behind your back. There must be more to this though, I would ask him to call Woman A and explain firmly that this is upsetting his wife, is totally unprofessional and must be put to an end immediately or he will make an official complaint of harrassment at work.

[TooEasilyTempted]

He's been open about the lipstick marks and he's shown you the texts from this woman and email to his boss (though i really don't think there was any need to get his boss involved - how thoroughly unprofessional). He's told the woman to back off.

Apart from needing to GROW UP, I don't see what more he can do. You're understandably angry at woman A but to take it out on your DH or confront her you're giving her exactly what it seems she wants.

I think you need to tell your husband how angry and hurt you are that he put himself in the situation in the first place that allowed him to be covered in lipstick and have photos taken with "women hanging off him" and tell him that you won't be so tolerant if this happens again. Then let it go. For your own sake more than anything else.

[pictish]

All very childish isn't it?
Your issue should be with your husband and only your husband, I think.
If you have anything to do with Woman A, you are just playing right into the silly bitch's juvenile hands.

If you are satisfied that he has dealt with it, then let it go.

[HerdOfTinyElephants]

She thinks it's funny to get him into trouble with his wife. I doubt she's trying to ruin your marriage, but the more irate you get the funnier she is going to find it.

[SolidGoldVampireBat]

How trustworthy did you think your H was before all this started? If you have never had any reason to be suspicious of him before, then it sounds as though someone in his office is engaging in a campaign of harassment against him and he may need to have a word with HR about it - just because it's a woman harassing a man doesn't mean it's a joke and can be dismissed.
HOwever, if your H has form for flirting/cheating/lying to you then it's possible that he is at it again only has picked a more 'assertive' woman than usual to muck around with.

[snoopdogg]

It sounds to me like he might usually be a bit uptight, got pissed on a works do and these women took the piss out of him. Because he (and you) have risen to it so well, they're carrying on their stupid, juvenile game.

Rise above it and back him all the way otherwise you play into their hands and damage his professional standing at work.

He's obviously made an arse of himself, don't make it worse.

Unless, of course, what SGB said, if he's got form, it's an entirely different matter.

[ChitChattingWithKids]

Solid has a point, your DH would be well within his rights to lodge a complaint with HR to get her to pull her head in. Ask him to do so and see what his reaction is.

I've worked with women who thought that playing these sorts of pranks were hysterical. Couldn't stand them and refused to socialise with them - I ended up leaving for a new job because they then started bullying me when I wouldn't join in with 'the fun'.

[pollyblue]

I think a couple of other posters have hit the nail on the head. And for some reason, some women on a works "do" night out type thing go completely OTT and see it as an opportunity to humiliate/wind-up male members of staff.....

Woman A sounds spiteful and a winder-upper - unfortunately by having a go at your DH when he rang you to tell you about the lipstick you gave her the reaction she wanted, and annoyed him. But that's done now - if your DH has not cheated before and you've no reason to suspect he will then rise above it. The more aggravation woman A thinks she's causing, the more I'd bet she's likely to want to cause.

[pollyblue]

sorry he will should read just him

[bubblegumpop]

If there really isn't more to this and he is annoyed with her now as you are. Then he needs to tell her, or tell his management that anymore of it. He will be going to HR and making an official complaint.

If the shoe were on the other foot, there would be a sexual harassment allegation and suspension within the hour.

[WardrobeYeti]

The whole situation reminds me of school when you were really young and someone used to say "I'm going to tell everyone that you did -such-and-such" and the horrible panic and fear you'd get. Except instead of a mean child it's a grown woman who's enjoying putting him in a horrible position. He should lodge a complaint and shut her games down.

[oceana]

Thank you so much everyone. I didn't think I'd get many responses. I agree it's all so ridiculously juvenile and pathetic and yes, he has acted incredibly unprofessionally (although far from being the uptight guy, he's mr fun, mr charisma and mr drinks waaaaaaay too much). I know the smart thing to do is trust him and forget about her but I'm really struggling. I don't feel angry any more, just really depressed. I know I'm pushing him away but...I don't know. I'm blowing it out of proportion, I just feel so powerless and I don't want to be the pathetic wife they're all laughing about while my husband humiliates me. I know several wives like this of guys he used to work with. Every business trip the whole office knew these guys were screwing around, even with hookers sometimes, but their poor wives of course never knew. I went to a wedding of one of these prinks and he married the most lively girl but most of the guests knew the things he'd done and just felt sorry for the bride. I'm not saying my husband is like that but I guess how would I know?

[oceana]

Whoops, typing on my phone is never a good idea! Obviously I meant lovely girl, not lively!

[Proudnscary]

I think there is more to this too I'm afraid - what rang alarm bells for me is him coming home from work and emailing the boss. He's taking this very serious if it is all silly juvenile shite and sounds like he is desperately trying to manage the situation and control what you will hear or do.
My dh (who I have to say, and I'm not trying to be smug, would never have got into this weird texty shit anyway) would have totally just shrugged it off iyswim?

[squeakytoy]

Just read this, and I agree with Proud.. there is a lot more to this.

The first worrying bit is "he got abusive on the phone"... why? why would he be abusive.

All the photos and texting sounds more like the behaviour of a load of drunk teenagers, not professional adults.

I also would wonder at why he was so keen to ring up and explain the lipstick marks, why he rushed home from the office, and why he is going so OTT to cover his tracks and put the blame onto others.

I am really sorry to say, I think he has been upto something, been caught out on it, and some woman is now trying to get her revenge. :(

[FabbyChic]

Why do they have his mobile number? What's the need?