Squabbles over sex - what to do...

[Dotty342kids]

So, my DH and I have been married ten years and have an 8yr old and 6yr old. When first together sex was frequent and good and in my mind, still is good!
Sorry for detail but important for the sake of this thread - normally happens couple of times a week, usually at bedtime, in bed.
He's always been, not to put to fine a point on it, fairly rampant! He'd be at it all day every day if he had his way and frequently complains that it's all got a bit routine and boring. To be fair, he may have a point but I'm not (and never have been) the spontaneous or risk taking type so if there's any chance of a child interrupting us (eg. when they've just gone to bed or in the morning or when downstairs watching a film on telly) I just can't relax enough to do it. I love him to bits but am starting to feel harassed by his requests for sexy underwear, role play etc etc. It feels to me then like it's yet another chore in my life along with the demands from the kids, housework, mealtimes, job etc. And that's now how I want to view our sex life!
This has come up a few times in the last few years and I try to pep it up again for a while but then my enthusiasm wanes and we're back to 2-3 times a week, in bed, at bedtime again! And then he starts complaining again.......

I suppose really what I'm wondering is, am I being unreasonable? Should I put more effort in and if so, how? Or is he being unrealistic with his requests given that we're both really busy and I'm perpetually knackered?!

[Dotty342kids]

Sorry, that should have read "And that's NOT how I want to view our sex life"!

[windsorTides]

A few questions:

Does he share the workload involved with running a family? Who has the most leisure time?

How much effort does he make in your sex life? Does he ask you about your fantasies, does he ever give you an orgasm without having one himself, does he ask you whether you would like him to wear different clothes, or to groom himself differently?

Does he use porn?

[brianmayshair]

I know where your coming from but i think if my dh told me our sex life was too routine for him then yes i would make an effort but only because i would expect him to do the same if i mentioned it. An effort for me could be booking a hotel room for a night meeting him for a drink and buying sme nice underwear then we could probably go back to normal boring sex for 3 months or so. It's not right for him to pester you but i do think discussing it is very important he is telling you his feelings.

[gypsycat]

My husbands a lot like this. I always thought I had a high sex drive until I met him! When we were first married and having sex everyday, or at the worst every second day, he complained that it wasn't enough. I told him that his pestering me didn't make me want sex anymore, rather, it turned sex into a chore which actually made me dislike it! After many, many arguments about our sex life, we seem to have come to a point where we are both happy. We have sex every second or third day and I try to be spontaneous a couple of times a month (buy new lingerie, surprise him somewhere other than bed, etc). I'm sure once DS is born in Feb that this arrangement will change, but I'm hoping he'll be as tired as I am.

[Helltotheno]

I think he's doing more than ok actually

[Dotty342kids]

windsorTides - hmm, he would be happy to fulfill I think, but I'm quite laid back (excuse the punn) so don't particuarly have any demands that he's not already fulfilling! (and yes, I get my fair share of orgasms ). Does not use porn, no.

gypsycat - oh, that sounded so familiar to me! Every second or third day, I admire your energy!

[fuzzynavel]

Think he's a tad selfish to be honest. Being pestered would drive me insane.

What WindsorTides has said.

[Dotty342kids]

Oh, missed one of your questions windsor. No, I do all the running of the family. He works long hours and is away a couple of nights per week. At weekends it's always me who is on top of what needs doing / who needs to be where and when etc...

[Fairenuff]

It feels to me then like it's yet another chore in my life along with the demands from the kids, housework, mealtimes, job etc

Have you told him this? He feels he can tell you how he feels, which is obviously a good thing, and it's only fair that you tell him how you feel. You need to try to resolve this together, rather than him telling you to sort it out by yourself.

[AnyFucker]

I do struggle with the concept of someone wanting more sex thinks it a positive prospect to pester to the point of turning the other partner off the idea completely

Get him a Fleshlight...they are always "up for it"

better still, a Fleshlight that washes his dirty laundry

OP...ask yourself why he believes himself entitled to sex whenever he wants without taking into account what you want

[confidence]

Married 10 years, sex 2-3 times a week and he's complaining?

Dude doesn't know he's born.

[ike1]

I'd second that he'd be lucky 2-3 times a YEAR!

[confidence]

AF -

OP...ask yourself why he believes himself entitled to sex whenever he wants without taking into account what you want

That's not really accurate though. If he believed he were "entitled" to it whenever he wants without taking into account what she wanted, he would rape her.

What he's doing is saying what he wants, and trying to direct things towards getting it. This is completely normal in all different aspects of relationships, including sex. But when applied specifically to men and sex, it seems to ring alarm bells about crossing over into one-sided "entitlement" for some people. Few people say the same thing when a woman wants more sex, communicates the fact and does what she can to get it.

Of course there is the fact that his attempts seem to be counter-productive and put her off. And her communicating that back to him is all part of the process too.

OP - People do have different sized sex drives, and womens' very often reduce after having children while mens' usually don't. There's no simple answer. You're clearly trying to consider his needs, he likewise has to understand it's unfair to nag you about it or expect you to be the same as you were 10 years ago before children. It's just life.

[FabbyChic]

You could try inviting him into the shower for a quickie.

In the garden when it's dark, bending over and saying just take me etc.,

Dropping to your knees and giving him a blow job when he is least expecting it.

[anniebear]

unless you have a night light in the garden hahahaha

[Fairenuff]

How about telling him you prefer quality to quantity, so what's he going to do about it?

[AnyFucker]

confidence I would prefer it if you reserved your "advice" for the OP

she was the one that asked for it, after all

[Dotty342kids]

thanks for all your points, Fabby - my DH would just love it if I did any of those things!! I think for the sake of marital harmony I might have to sneak one of your suggestions in every now and then .

I do tell my husband every now and then that there are couples who go for weeks or months without sex and that he should appreciate what he has got but I'm not sure he believes me! I can understand both points of view to be honest, the issue arises (excuse the pun!) when one wants one thing, and the other wants the other, so to speak...

Anyway, you've all been really helpful so thank you. And with that, it's Friday night and before he gets back from helping with cubs I'm off to find my best frilly knickers

[JLK2]

Has your husband let himself go to seed a bit? Tell him to get down the gym, and when he's got a washboard stomach and an arse you could crack wallnuts with, he can have all the sex he wants.

[SolidGoldVampireBat]

Tell him that men who get the most enjoyable and satisfying sex are the ones who do their fair share of domestic work. Because nothing is more of a turn off than a man who does no domestic work yet whines for sex all the time - you mention that sex feels like a chore to you, and that's why - your H is treating you as something that exists to meet his needs.