I AM SO MIXED UP.....

[ConfusedGirlSuz]

Hello ladies - I'm new here. Heard good things - really need a bit of support and advice.

It's also a VERY long story - so please bear with me.
Right this all started 2 years ago. (Bit of background information. I am 24 - eldest of 4, very close family and since I was about 5-6 my Dad has always worked away and come back at weekends). He was an excellent Dad. Gave us a lot of affection and attention - took me to ballet, my brothers to rugby and took my Mum away annually for their 'alone time'. They had a good relationship. Never fought and the house was always warm and full of aughter.

So - this was 2 years ago - I was looking through my Dad's phone for his Blackberry pin. I came across some messages - which were very sexually explicit. The messages were under a man's name and thinking he'd been clever {ie saving a woman's number under a man's name} - I took the number in case I knew who it was. The next day I rung the number and asked whom she was and how she knew my Dad - he said his name was Barry and he had been sleeping with my father. (I then found various messages from other men - making it very obvious what he got up to in his spare time in Soho when he was at work). {I kept all texts as proof}.

Nothing can preapre you for that. My whole world crumbled. I was strong though - and thought, this isn't my business (he obviously loves my mum and my family) I'll forget what I know.

Fast forward a few months - I came home from my mum and dad have a blazing row - which was very unusual. I heard my Dad scream 'I should have divorced you when I had the chance' and he left the house. My Mum came to me crying - telling me she didn't know what to do. I couldn't not tell her - so I did. She was calm but obviously shocked/distraught.

Anyway to cut a VERY long story short (shorter) - they have now seperated. My Dad doesn'tknow I know - my Mum and I decided that would ruin the relationship I have with him. None of my other siblings know either - the official line is 'they don't love each other anymore' - They both have new relationships - my dad is now engaged to my godmother - and although a bit bitter of his side - they both seem happy.

So this is my problem - having recently been diagnosed with depression and falling in love what I have found out is causing problems in my relationship. I am scared all the time. Scared of being lied to and being 'caught out' - I now have this constant need for affection and reassurance and in all honestly, I am disgusted in myself, but I can't help it. I feel weak and pathetic - a mere percent of the person I used to be. I love my boyfriend, we've just moved in a rarely argue - so why do I feel so unhappy - is it because of all this? Am I allowed to feel like this? I feel so sad. Like I'm ruining my best thing I've ever had 'relationship wise' because of my Dad.

Thanks so much for getting this far.
It just really pre-occupies my mind/life :(

Please be gentle ;) Thanks xxx
{Oh only have internet access at work - will reply, I promise}

[Pakdooik]

Hi Confused. I'm afraid I have no pearls of wisdom to offer but didn't want your post to remain unanswered.

Does your godmother know about your dad's relationships with other men?

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

It may be to do with your dad, leading you to mistrust men, or it may have to do with your boyfriend. I know you say you love him, but plenty of women in these forums have been in love with plonkers.

[ConfusedGirlSuz]

Aw thank you.
He has told my Mum that she does - he used it as: 'She knows and she's fine with it, why aren't you?!' - But...my Mum and I both think he's lying.
I don't see how she could know.

[ConfusedGirlSuz]

Exactly. Well, in my heart of hearts I don't think he is a plonker. I think its my distrust and insecruity that is, in turn pushing him away and making him a bit of a plonker. I'm my own worst enemy, aren't I :(

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

This started two years ago, how have you been feeling about men in general in that time? Have you pushed away others, or not been in a relationship at all? Would you consider counselling? It's a terrible burden to bear.

[Bossybritches22]

I think you do need some help,sweetheart before too long. Not saying you have a HUGE problem but you need to talk to someone who is impartial, not family,boyfriend or friends so you can offload & be totally open about your feelings.

Your Dad's realtionships with your mum/godmother/past partners of either sex is HIS business, difficult to forget it but try to leave it to him to sort out &
get back to enjoying a father/daughter relationship as you should. Not easy I know.

Does your boyfriend know of the family history?

Take care.

[ConfusedGirlSuz]

I have tried counselling. But I don't go anymore - maybe I should go back. My attitude before this was that old faithful 'all men cheat'. Which I know is so destructive but it's so hard to not expect it - if that makes sense. I am so angry at my dad. Having to be nice around around his new lady while trying to swallow down the tears and anger. Yes my boyfriend does know the whole story. Typically though he sees things very black and white. And he is just USELESS with emotions. Think he gets a bit annoyed when I'm crying for the umpteenth time. I just feel mixed up and scared - I don't want to ruin things with my boyfriend but I'm scared Im turning into pyscho bi*ch. That's not me. I'm the cool as a cucumber g/friend - not this creation - feel like I don't know myself anymore.

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

I think going back to counselling would be a good idea, so you can express your anger at your father and get it out, rather than festering inside you. Not all men are unfaithful or complicated in their sexual habits, but I totally see why you feel that way.

[Bossybritches22]

Agree with OldLady.

You have a very mature insight into your own feelings but sharing them with someone else who is outside your normal circle would be helpful.

Why did you stop before? Was it not helping?

British Assoc of Counselling website

here you can find a registered counsellor who will help. Ring up & have a chat with a few first to explain your area of need & see if you like the sound of them, it's important to feel you trust & are relaxed with them, don't be afraid to shop around.

Good luck, you are being very brave, be kind to yourself.

[ConfusedGirlSuz]

Aw thank you all. Your kind words mean so much :)
I went through the NHS to have counselling and I was given 16 sessions and when they were over - that was that. I think I can apply for some more sessions - just a long waiting list etc. I am trying to be strong. For my Mum. She has not got anyone to talk to really - she was adopted and has no siblings. It's this weird concotion of anger, sadness, fright, bitterness - and then trying to process it all and then apply it to my own relationships. I think I need to accept I was just stung very badly - It happens and I need to accept and move on. Hard though. Not a major fan of this growing up malarky :D Thanks again for all your words I TRULY appreciate them all xxx

[Bossybritches22]

Growing-up is shite to be honest, but the alternative isn't good either.

I feel sorry for your Mum but maybe she needs to talk to a counsellor too, to unburden herself to an impartial supporter. I'm sure she doesn't mean to, but it must be hard for you when YOU are struggling, to be there for HER.

You both have different takes on this situation & TBH I think you need to ask her to not talk about it with you,not bc you are unsympathetic but bc it's about your Dad & it's a different thing altogether for both of you.

Tell her if she's feeling down or angry you'll come over for a hug & maybe a mother/daughter evening, but don't get drawn into big convos about it all, it would be healthier. Not saying NEVER discuss it but maybe when you are both stronger.

[ConfusedGirlSuz]

Yes. That might be a good idea. I'm just trying to keep everyone happy and keep everything on an even keel. It's just exhausting! I do really love my Mum and we're are even closer due to this - but as her daughter there are some things I just don't want to know. For eg their sex life when they were married or how unhappy she was sometimes. Which makes me feel guilty for thinking everything was all 'Brady Bunch' - and I suppose that's the route of my insecruities. My foundations have been completley rocked. I don't know if I'm coming or going. Anywaay thank you again for your continued support :) xxx

[Bossybritches22]

You're welcome, PM me anytime, this thread'll disappear soon!