wish i knew what was wrong with me

[amandagoodman]

hi there

ive only used mumsnet once, after looking for some ovulation kit advice! and i was so surprised at how helpful it was, i want to ask if anyone can help me with this "situation" i have.
im not sure if im posting this in the right section but here goes..
me and my husand have a two year old, and pretty much as soon as she was born i have this "thing " about sex.
i do enjoy sex and we have good sex (well i think so) but ever since she was born the thought of doing the things we used to do really repulses me.. i,e oral sex and anything a little spicey.
saying that i dont even feel like going on top, i just like misionary quick sex. i do enjoy it, but my poor husband is demented.. he keeps laying into me about how i "used" to be and how all i do now is kiss pull him on me and hurray job over.
i dont give him oral anymore the thought of doing anything like that makes me feel dirty or ashamed and i have NO idea why i feel like this.
whenever we try to talk about it, it ends in an argument and a seperate room night.
not sure how much longer i can go on feeling like this, my daughter is two now so i think the "ive just had a baby" excuse is wearing thin.
has anyone else experienced this? or know of anyone that has, and did they change in time? or is this just the way its going to be?
my husbands said some pretty nasty things to me when hes got a drink in him, how im boring now in bed and i dont show him that i fancy him anymore, yet he shows me all the time, i love him to bits and hes a great father and husband, i just cannot switch from mother, worker house wife.. to whore in the bedroom! its not dirty to give your husband a 'blow' but why do i think it is?

sorry if any of this sounds stupid, ive felt stupid for two years now, and i dont know how many more times i can cry about this and wonder what the heck is wrong with me!
thanks

[lovelydogs]

You are normal. You may revert back when your DD is about ten, you may not! If your DP truly loves you it shouldn't be a huge issue.

[MadameWooOOoovary]

There is nothing wrong with you. Your husband should not be laying into you for this. If your tastes have changed, he should be able to discuss it with you without getting nasty. That is not loving behaviour.

[TheOriginalFAB]

It isn't you that there is something wrong with....

[amandagoodman]

thats how i feel, ive asked him if having a wife, an a amazing daughter and a lovely home is not good enough? he says it is, but as soon as we go to bed and we start maybe kissing and cuddling he asks me to do things and it just puts me right off, i try to avoid it then he goes in a mood and rolls over and goes to sleep. uck nightmare.. i dont want to just do these things to please him when it makes me feel rotten, but sometimes im wondering if i should just do it and keep the peace.. thing is i just want to feel like the old me again!x

[amandagoodman]

you think i could turn it around and suggest its him that has a problem?

[MadameWooOOoovary]

He needs to understand that you and your body have gone through significant changes and that you respond differently to how you used to. I know exactly what you mean about the delights of a quickie btw!
But he needs to understand that the more he pressures you and sulks about it, the less you will want to do it - ever!
IMO his attitude is the biggest turn-off.

[MadameWooOOoovary]

And doing it to keep the peace. I wouldn't, because I wouldn't like my DP to feel or react that way.
If you still love and desire him, dont say "I'm fine, you're the one with the problem" (although it's true!). Ask him how he thinks you could get past this. Would a little give and take help? In itself his frustration is not unreasonable. The way he is approaching you about it, is however unreasonable.

[giyadas]

He shouldn't be pushing you to do something you are uncomfortable with, and you shouldn't give in to keep the peace. You'll never have a good sex life that way.
I know it's always asked on these threads but does he have a porn habit?

[MangoMonster]

It doesn't sound stupid at all. I do feel for you dp a little though, although I get where you are coming from. Plus it's really out of order him being rude to you when he's drunk, has probably made the situation much worse. I hope you've told him he cannot speak to you like that and why does he think it will help? He should discuss and be supportive like an adult.

Have you thought about why do don't want anything spicy ?

[MilkandWine]

Your husbands attitude is not helpful in the slightest. It does sound however that he is lashing out (in a totally inappropriate manner) because he is worried you don't find him attractive any more.

A full and frank discussion is what is needed. He needs to understand that your body has gone through a lot of changes and that is isn't a reflection of how attracted you are to him. Yes he is being totally childish but people get very insecure when it comes to sexual matters.

Have you tried explaining how you feel regarding your body and sex drive? Just that may be a better approach than saying he should be happy with you, daughter and home? Basically all his fragile man ego will be hearing is 'I don't fancy you any more'. His approach is terribly insensitive though and he needs to understand that. On what planet does he think laying into you is going to make you want to pounce and rip his clothes off?. Totally unacceptable of him!

I hope you manage to work though it OP. In the meantime, as others have said, don't beat yourself up because there is NOTHING wrong with you.

[MangoMonster]

He shouldn't ask you to do things...

[MangoMonster]

Agree with milkandwine

[amandagoodman]

wow thanks girls, i feel a heck of a lot better actually, to answer a few.. i dont know why i dont like anything spicey anymore, even when we have both had a drink, its the last thing i want.. i just feel with my daughter in the other room , doing things like that is just.. well, weird?!?!

he dosnt have a porn habbit.. that i know about! although that wouldnt bother me to honest.
we dont talk about it, we text each other about it the next day which is stupid, but we dont get much time together either.
ive suggested today that tonight we write down points and maybe go through them togther? sometimes easier than trying to talk and not getting a word in.
ive explained to him how i feel and there are days where hes really sweet and understanding and we just have "normal" sex and he tells me how amazing it is and how amazing i am , and seems happy!
then the next day hes telling me "all you do is pull me on you, you dont do ANYTHING for me anymore, or compares me to his mate and his wife who have 2 children and their sex life is florishing. uck!
i understand its frustrating for him, beacuse i used to be pretty wild!! then baby came and bang! i was an old boring wife, we have sex about 3 times a week, which most men would be happy with no? but its just not hardcore enough for him! i dont want to "suck him off" when i have been working 10 hours a day getting home getting dinner on tidying up gettin toots to bed bla bla, i just want to chill out watch my soaps and have a wee quick fondel before bed time, too much to ask apparently.
any ideas of what i could do to help bring myself back up to speed? its nice to hear that im not a complete looser and its not something that just HAS to happen, thankyou to all of you x

[amandagoodman]

and yes its a HUGE turn off when im kissing him and he keeps asking me to do things and going in a huff. umm no thanks then x

[MangoMonster]

You could try varying it a bit but not going to extremes, I guess you're tired like me! A little bit of oral, hand, on top and then finish as you like it, build up from there. Although tbh I'd be really annoyed at his comments and wouldn't want to make an effort. Is this the only issue you have? If so it can probably be easily resolved, maybe he's insecure and really thinks you've gone off him. How about a quick massage or doing it on the sofa?

I completely get where you're coming from, I'm usually too tired to make an effort, but I know I need to try too. My DS is 2 too.

[amandagoodman]

only issue yes, we are very happily married, this is the only problem. hes very nasty, but dont get me wrong i have said some nasty things back, only because hes hurt me.
its ridiculous really.. i think he feels insecure too, maybe thinks i dont fancy him anymore or hes not good enough so him lashing out is kinda understandable, he does apologise the next day but its just going on and on, almost to the point i get a bit nervous towards bed time. i am just totally shattered, my girl is a wild one, none stop!! and im exhausted with life really! i just want to chill out, but i do need to make more effort.. just getting past this "yuk" feeling i have doing things a little more intimate.
this might sound strange but when i think of oral i think thats really only somthing you see in a porno, its not somthing you do when you have a child sleeping in the next room, and i almost thing hes stupid for asking me to do such a thing.. weird right?

[giyadas]

Stop texting each other about it for a start, there's no way you can properly communicate through text.
You have to talk to each other but he has to realise that means you both get to talk and you both have to listen, otherwise nothing will change.
Have you told him that his behaviour is turning you off?

[MangoMonster]

A little, you don't have to do oral in the same way as a porno, a little here and there (not necessarily to climax) might be a compromise. Like a minute or two... Sorry for so much info...

[MangoMonster]

I really should be taking my own advice, so easy to say, not so easy when you are knackered and sleepy.

[amandagoodman]

no but im about to, hes just in and a hungry man so going to go feed him then maybe try this writing things and talking them through malark and see how it goes!

[MangoMonster]

Good luck !

[amandagoodman]

appreciate all your advice, thanks mango, better crack on with this, will update when hes asleep and see what we come up with xx

[BertieBotts]

I've heard that this is quite common, actually. Some people just find they are so encased in this new "mother" role that the idea of actually having sex (or doing certain things, or whatever) is "wrong", and they feel quite guilty about even thinking about it.

Do you want to "get past the yuk feeling", or do you just feel you should? Because if you want to, for you, it might be worth seeing if some kind of sex therapy could help. If you don't, though, if you're happy with how things are (aside from the pestering) then that's perfectly fine too. Most people's libido goes through changes at different parts of their life.

I personally wouldn't abstain from any sexual act just because of having a child in the house (although would probably draw the line at having a sex dungeon full of wild swinging parties ) but that doesn't mean it's weird to want to - we all have our personal limits and boundaries and yours are just as valid as anybody else's. I absolutely hate having sex if we have visitors and don't like even the thought of someone hearing the bed creak. I bet that would be weird to some people.

[taokiddy]

From (bitter!) experience your husband is your husband and when you marry you promise certain things and sex is one of them. No they don't understand how you feel and the immense changes you go through when you have babies but God I wish I'd done things differntly! A blow job's not too much of a hardship to keep your marraige and family happy. In retrospect...:(

[giyadas]

Actually, not harassing your partner to do sexual things they don't want and then punishing them with sulking when they refuse isn't much of a hardship to keep your marriage and family happy, surely?
Not if you actually respect your partner as being as fully human as yourself.