Please help me to stop feeling bitter

[marble]

Basically married 20 years exh had affairs throughout plus verbal abuse...he is a bully. Left me and 3 kids for ow nearlly two years ago. He declared himself bancrupt and stopped paying the mortgage and took months to get maintenance went through csa in the end.
Anyway I stayed in the family home but this is about to be repossessed..i am left with nothing...and he has treated me so nastily since he left....

How do i get over the anger and move on. I am mid-forties and i have nothing

[LeoTheLateBloomer]

Firstly, I'm sorry you've had such a rubbish time.

I'm not certain of the legalities, but I'm going through a divorce at the moment and my stbxh has threatened bankruptcy. I keep being told that there's no way the courts will allow DD to be made homeless so there's no way the house will be repossessed. Do you have somewhere else to go? Are you sure of your legal position?

I really don't know how you get over the anger. My guess is that it just takes time. Are you benefitting from being angry? I doubt it. If anything it's probably harming you.

You don't have nothing; you have your children and (hopefully) your health. Do you have friends and family nearby? I find ranting over a glass of wine helps.

I don't think I've been very helpful. I'm sure there'll be someone else along soon with wiser words

Look after yourself.

[undermyskin]

I am sorry you have had to deal with so much, and a situation not of your own making.

Two years is a long time to feel bitter and angry. All easier said than done, but your time and energy still invested in feeling like this would be better spent on you and how you build a new, fulfilled and happy life. Your H has gone and you are divorced. You are better off without him and he deserves no further thought.

There are two things you do have 1. no longer having to live with a bully, and, most importantly, 2. your children. You don't say how old they are or what their relationship is like with their father, but I am sure they think the world of you!

You don't say if you work and whether this is fulfilling.

Though it must be horrid to be repossessed, could this represent the line in the sand that enables you to make a fresh start? In fact it could represent a release from lots of worry, again giving you more energy to direct into what you want for yourself.

Mid 40s is still young. It is not easy but a certainly is that life will not get better if you are still wrapped up in what has happened. There is much truth in the saying 'when you laugh the world laughs with you, and when you cry, you cry alone.'

I am sure I have simply said what you know yourself, and you also know that the effort will have to come from you if you want a happier future.

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

I can recommend this from personal experience

www.drw.org.uk/

[springydaffs]

I've heard it said that bitterness is buried anger - and no-one would be more justified in feeling incredibly angry than you. You've had a very rough deal with this horrible man.

I am a great advocate of therapy, having had a lot of it myself. It really is a chance to unpack complex and deep-rooted emotions, with the aim of getting them out for an airing and proceeding through healthy stages of justifiably intense emotions with the support of your therapist. re a therapist gives you permission, if you like, to proceed through uncomfortable emotions, whereas society does not. There is no-one who will sit with you, not even a close friend (though some will try), while you literally live out those stages. A therapist is trained to sit with you, to recognise themes, to guide you along healthy paths. The aim is for you to come out the other side, having accepted what happened to you; having lived out, with support, the deep emotions that didn't get an airing at the appropriate time and have therefore ended up going underground, unresolved. I hope that makes sense.

If money is an issue it is possible to access reasonably-priced therapy - some womens orgs offer therapy at eg £5 a pop (or less!). I wouldn't suggest the type of therapy/counselling that GP surgeries offer - though this could be a start - as I think you need to be in this for longer than 6 weeks (though CBT, which is offered by GP surgeries, could be a good addition to your armoury).

ime I had to cobble together what therapy I could on a limited income. It was worth it - I would be a complete nutjob if I hadn't had that chance to work out, sometimes at a snail's pace, sometimes not, some very painful and difficult things.

I'm sure you know full well that bitterness is incredibly bad for you, otherwise you wouldn't have posted about it. However, you can't always just decide to get rid of it (as I'm sure you have found out): sometimes you have to lance the boil in order for the wound to begin to heal. Society in general doesn't like bitterness and reactes very strongly against it; it is better to sit with someone who is not repulsed by it and whose job it is, after considerable training, to support you through to a resolution.

Try BACP (British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists), who have a directory of therapists you can search for in your area. Have a look at their website here, particularly tips on what to expect and how to choose a therapist that is right for you. Once you have drawn up a list, give them a call to make an appt (therapists often offer a free first session) so you can get a feel for the therapy and also the therapist - if you don't click then move on to the next one on your list. Ask them about discounted rates - many offer a sliding scale of fees. Therapists expect difficult q's btw, don't feel you will offend them - they are trained to not take offence and to not have an agenda! I have also been known to not make an appt with a therapist because I didn't like the sound of their voice - it's my choice, I will be working on a deep level with them and I need to feel comfortable and safe.

Good luck OP. I'm so sorry you have been mashed up by life - you're not alone, not by a long chalk..

(sorry for long post btw)

[springydaffs]

As if I haven't said enough - do try the Freedom Programme. It is very good and classes are widely available. Apart from the excellent content, you get to meet women who have been mashed up by their men - that, in itself, is very healing ime.

[tranquilitygardens]

I was bitter and angry for ages, I had similar things happen. I think when it is one thing after the other like that, and your children being hurt, it is quite normal to react like that. The anger will go eventually, I promise.

I think with me that I had held in a lot of anger in my life up to the point of the dreadfull things my exh did, and the more he pushed and did dreadfull things I finally cracked like a volcano and all the anger I had held in all my life cam out, it was like a pussy absess, it took time for all the bile to come out, and time for it to heal, it is better for a wound to heal open, rather than close up on the outside and the puss fester inside still.

You will be fine and find peace and happiness again.

I think once the house is reposessed and you are settled in a new home, you will be able to realax and enjoy things again as you once did before.

[marble]

thankyou so much to all you lovely ladies who have replied it really does help.

Cant really talk much as very busy got to be out and panicking abit...they bring a locksmith apparently and if you havnt removed all your stuff its tough :(

Will update as soon as i can

[springydaffs]

oh I do hope it's all gone well and you've managed to get your stuff out in time.

[undermyskin]

I do hope it wasn't too awful and traumatic. At least you are now no longer dreading the day when the house is to be repossessed as this is behind you. I hope you are in a good new place. This may well be the starting point to a happier life and you can leave much of your anger behind with the house. I very much hope so.

When you have the chance do read through springdaffs thoughtful and proactive earlier post again.

[springydaffs]

Are you settled in yet, marble? I hope it's all going well... and you've got internet access! That usually take a while to sort out eh . Let us know how you're getting on when you can?