Sorry, this is going to be a long one. An old friend of mine is in a bit of a bad position and I have been trying to advise her what she could do but I'm a bit out of my depth tbh.
They have been together about 11 years, and have 5 children, ranging from 9 to nearly 1 years old. By the time they had DC3, the marriage was in trouble, both of them unhappy but she didn't want to admit it was over and they just sort of kept going. They then went on to have 2 more babies, both unplanned and each pregnancy prolonging the relationship that was dead in the water already.
Now she is desperately unhappy, he is mean to her, shouts and swears and her, calls her a piece of crap, controls all the money even though its a joint account (she is a SAHM). She is very intimidated by him, you can see her physical demeanour change when he gets home from work. I think she is frightened of him. She has never said he has been violent but I'm not sure if she just doesn't want to speak out about it or whether she is just worn down by the emotion abuse.
I have been saying for years that she needs to leave him, that I will help in any way I can but she always just said 'it'll get better'. She doesn't say that now and even she accepts that it has to end. I want to give her the best advice I can but I don't know what to say. If anyone can advise on whether what I have said so far is appropriate and whether there are other things I can suggest to her I would really appreciate it because I really worry about what s going to happen, she isn't the strong woman she once was.
So my advice has been:
- Try to squirrel away as much money as she can so she has some money
- Ensure she has the birth certificates, red books and passports for her and the DC ready
- Open a bank account in her name only, keep it a secret if needed, so benefits can be paid to her directly when the time comes
She wanted to know if she can make him leave but I didn't know what to say, can she? Where could she go? She knows she can always come here but 8 children and 3 adults in a 2 bed terrace isn't a long term solution! How much money could she expect to get from him in maintenance per month? She said she thinks she'll have to stay because she can't support the DC without him and his income.
All advice would be greatly appreciated, I just don't want to give her bad advice . Thanks and sorry for the essay.