Is it me causing this?

[Stayathomebum]

I can't tell anymore and just wanted a totally neutral perspective. I'll just take an incident this evening as an example of the kind of thing that is really getting me down with dp...

I was made redundant on Tuesday. I hated my job so all is fine there, but I have a meeting tomorrow to discuss my redundancy package. I really wanted o prepare tonight because I am useless at confrontation and wanted to have notes to refer to etc. Dp said he would help as he sees this situation quite often at his work.

So, got my notepad out and we start making notes. Dp is lying on the floor facing away from me watching tv. Some shitty film comes on and he gets totally slack jawed and ignores me. I try to make a joke of it and say something like 'er, hello!' but it's blatantly obvious he isn't interested. I am then pissed off, he offers to help again but I'm so pissed off I say don't bother I don't need any help.

He has now gone to bed in a huff because he says I have had a go at him. He says he did offer to help so what's the problem? My point is he was totally disinterested and unsupportive about something I am really anxious about.

This is really typical behaviour from him and it's making me question the whole relationship. I feel so alone sometimes.

Am I overreacting or is that a fair thing to be pissed off about?

Thanks

[buzzskeleton]

When he got distracted by the tv, but then again offered to help, I think you could've accepted (and turned off the tv). It's daft to have it on when you're trying to do something serious together.

I don't blame you for being pissed off at all, 'though.

[ChippingIn]

I would have been upset/annoyed too. He should have turned the TV off, sat beside you and said something like 'Well, let's see what we can put together so that you feel confident going in there tomorrow'.

What's the point in being in a relationship when you feel alone?

How long have you been together?

Any kids?

[Stayathomebum]

We have been together for 6 years and have a 17mo dd.

He is just incredibly thoughtless. In his mind, he can justify it by saying 'well I did offer', but in actual fact he couldn't have been less interested. It's the same with lots of things. In many ways he is great but I am getting tired of having to rely on myself. We should be a team and it really doesn't feel like that sometimes.

[CailinDana]

Sorry but I think you handled that situation a bit immaturely. Yes he did something wrong but rather than having a strop you should have said, "Please DP I need your full attention turn off the tv" and then once the tv was off you should have explained exactly what you said here, that you are very anxious and that you need to rely on him for support. If he had a bad reaction to that then it might be time to get annoyed.

To be fair to him, he did offer to help but it's not his work to do so it's understandable that he got distracted. He just needs a bit of guidance to realise that you need him to be more attentive. Are you usually a "coper" - someone whom everyone thinks is doing fine?

[livingonthedge]

my oh is like that - he often says "I'll do that" but doesn't actually ever do it. Is this a one off or is it part of a pattern? It may just be that he wanted to be symthathetic but can't (as he is a man and struggles with the "there, there" stuff) and so all he can do if offer to try to "fix" it. But then he can't fix it so he opts out - this is fine if it is a one off but if he does this all the time then it may also be that he wants the ability to feel good about himself because he has offered to help but doesn't actually want to help so offers, puts it off, initicates a row and then is justifiesd in saying "well I offered but then you rowed".

[garlicScaresVampires]

Why were you trying to make a joke of his inattention? It was an important, planned discussion and he was facing away from you, looking at the TV. You'd have been justified in getting quite cross about that. Are you scared of calling him out? Or generally afraid of confrontation? If you 'joke' when people know they're short-changing you or letting you down, you probably do find you're not taken seriously enough.

I hope the meeting goes well for you.

[izzywhizzysfritenite]

Given that you only had a matter of day's notice of redundancy, I would view the meeting an opportunity for the company/organisation to set out their offer/package so that I could give it full consideration and seek independent advice before accepting or rejecting it.

[garlicScaresVampires]

Sorry, I only half answered your question. It was inconsiderate and bad-mannered of him to act so off-handed. You needed him to take your issue seriously, but he made it clear he wasn't bothered. It's perfectly reasonable that you felt abandoned & uncared-for, but making a joke and then rejecting him in anger only weakened your position (twice).

But, yes, his attitude was contemptuous and if this is how things always are, I'm not surprised you feel you're on your own. You could try knocking him into shape with some steely assertiveness skills.

[Stayathomebum]

Wow, some really insightful and helpful comments!

I am absolutely hopeless at confrontation and being assertive. I will ignore a problem or try to make light of it while inside I am cross with myself for being weak and not getting my point across.

I really struggle with dp to get my point heard effectively because he loves arguing. Or, should I say he loves winning am argument. He is brilliant at point scoring and twisting what you have said and in the end what started out as me feeling hurt ends up with me being a moaning witch who is always getting at him, nothing is ever good enough

Any tips on how to keep a discussion calm and on track with a very argumentative person?

Izzy, about the redundancy, the words 'statutory minimum' were mentioned in the first discussion on Tuesday. A lady who earned a lot less and had been there less time than me was made redundant from the exact same job 4 months ago and got 12,000, so I just wanted to prepare an initial response if they offered a much lower package.

[CailinDana]

It's no wonder you're reluctant to stand up for yourself if your DP bamboozles you like that! The only way I can suggest of dealing with that is if you try to stay absolutely calm, don't rise to anything he says. Also, don't accuse him of anything just state how you feel with no anger. So, about the incident last night you might say "I felt a bit like you were ignoring me last night when I needed you." If he gets worked up and says "But I did offer to help!" etc stay calm and say "I know you did, and I really appreciate it but I was very anxious and on edge and it made me feel worse when you turned away and started watching tv. I sometimes feel a bit lonely because I feel I can't rely on you." Take everything he says at face value, don't allow him to use tactics to "win." So if he says "You're always criticising me!" then say calmly "Maybe that's true, can you explain how I'm too critical?" and force him to back up what he's saying. If he starts getting very annoyed or angry, just say "Would you like to continue this when you've had a chance to calm down?" DO NOT rise to his anger and don't let him get away with things. Force him to have a meaningful discussion, even if you have to do it in many stages. Try to keep your overall message positive so that he can't accuse you of attacking him. So basically what you're trying to say is that you love him and you need him and you value his help but sometimes it's hard to get that help.

[humptydidit]

stayathome
What you say is ringing bells for me... especially the bit about him being good at arguing and winning and twisting things...
Take a quick look at this, does he fit the description? Even a little bit?

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Might not be relevant, but I think is an interesting food for thought type stuff anyway!

x

[ScareyFairenuff]

he offers to help again but I'm so pissed off I say don't bother I don't need any help

As I am sure you are aware, this is where the communication really broke down. Yes, he was being a pain, but when he tried to rectify it you behaved childishly. If you want him to take you seriously, you need to behave seriously. Say what you mean.

If this happens a lot you are probably not being assertive enough and he thinks he can get away with this kind of behaviour by turning it back onto you. Don't make it easy for him. Speak up for yourself. Tell him plainly what you want/need and don't be drawn into side issues.

[LesserOfTwoWeevils]

"he was totally disinterested and unsupportive...
This is really typical behaviour from him and it's making me question the whole relationship."
"what started out as me feeling hurt ends up with me being a moaning witch who is always getting at him, nothing is ever good enough"
"He is just incredibly thoughtless"
"I am getting tired of having to rely on myself"

What are his good points, Stayathome ?