Please be around whilst I break up with this crap man

[purplebridgett]

Hi everybody,

Was just hoping to get some support. Am about to break up with a man I know has been verbally and emotionally abusive towards me and I'm scared. He's got to go, no doubt about it. He doesn't love me and I don't love him. But I've now tried to break up with him six times and six times he's managed to persuade me to keep going (we've been together for 15 months). He's never hit me but he has a terrible temper and one time he did raise his fist.

I've realised trying to split up face-to-face is no good - he always wants to analyse our relationship and/or have one last hug and I end up getting drawn back in. The last time I tried to end he got very angry and ranted at me, calling me a cocksucker, a cock, a bitch. Then there was something about the look on my face that worried him and he calmed down and started telling me how worried he was about me. Then the next time I saw him it was all 'I love you, I want to cuddle you, I want to make love to you'. And back I went.

So it's got to be quick and clean and no looking back. Though on one level it feels cowardly, I've decided to do it by text and I'm going to do it tonight.

I don't have any close friends who I can talk to about any of this so please be around for me. I'm worried that after I've taken my son to nursery tomorrow he'll turn up on my doorstep or accidentally on purpose bump into me on the way home. I keep telling myself the worst that can happen is he'll launch into a tirade like before. But if I know anything about him it's that he's unpredictable and I have a serious case of butterflies.

Got to go to work.

[WitchesBrewIsMyFriend]

I think when you text him you have to be absolutely clear that there is no going back. I would pop into town tomorrow after you drop off your DC at nursery, get a new sim card and only give your new number to trusted friends and family.

The best thing you can do is tell him not to contact you in any way, shape or form and alter your daily pattern if you can.

This man sounds a bit nasty, good on you for ditching him.

MN will be here for you, but please dont take him back again, he obviously thinks that saying the right thing for 5 minutes will get him back in the door as it has worked so many times before. Stay strong and say NO!

[CheerfulSingsOut]

Totally agree about the new SIM card, if you really never want to speak to someone again it's the best option.

If you can plug your ears til he gives up, none of what he says will have any effect on you as you won't be getting his stuff. Stay strong.

[Booooooyhoo]

without wishing to worry you, make sure your home is secure. he sounds quite scary TBH and a bit like my EX (he climbed through my living room window the day after i ended it because he "wanted to pick up a few things"

[DontCallMeFrothyDragon]

He sounds vile, OP. :( Good luck breaking up with him. If you are concerned about him turning up, change your usual routine tomorrow. I'd also ditto the change of numbers thing. I had to do so last week, and already feel more refreshed for it. If he does turn up, and you can avoid doing so, don't answer the door.

Good luck, will be thinking of you.

[izzywhizzysfritenite]

Has he been living with you? Are there any items that belong to him in your home that may provide him with an excuse to visit unexpectedly?

With very few exceptions, I'm not in favour of ending relationships by text because it can engender anger in the recipient and they may redouble their efforts to get back with, or get back at, the sender.

As you've been with this man for more than a year I feel that he is owed a verbal explanation and that, no matter how disrespectful you may feel he has been to you, sending a text is likely to inflame his feelings towards you.

I would suggest you call him and, using a firm tone of voice, say words to the effect that 'With the best will in the world, our relationship hasn't worked out and there's no point in continuing it. Thank you for the good times and I wish you every happiness in the future. Please don't contact me as my decision is final - our relationship is over. Goodbye' Don't be drawn into conversation by him, resist any temptation to give further explanation.

Wait to see if bombards you with calls and/or texts and if he does, after a hour or so, send a message saying 'My decision is final. I don't want to see you again and if you continue to harass me I will contact the police'.

If he turns up on your doorstep, speak to him through the closed door and say that you will call the police if he doesn't leave immediately.

When you're out and about over the next few days, carry your mobile in your hand with 999 ready to call at the press of a button. If he 'bumps' into you in the road and launches into a tirade, call the police.

Once you've made a decision, the key is to stand firm at all times and do NOT waver.

[HerScaryness]

OK, you know what you have to do and you know you have to do it. You ALSO know that he will try and talk you round.

Remember that the NICE bit is every bit as abusive as the name calling. he's not being nice to you with any meaning, he's only being nice to reel you back into being his victim/prisoner/punchbag again.

post as much and as often as you need to. Change your numbers/emails, any way that he may know of to contact you, do your best to change it.

If you are worried for your safety at any time, don't even think twice before calling the Police.

If you need someone to talk to, please call the WA, they will help you understand that you are doing the right thing. Actually, might be a good idea to call them anyway and asking them for guidance on how best to protect yourself. They may suggest you contacting the Police DV section for advice, and perhaps to put a flag on your address for a while.

[DontCallMeFrothyDragon]

Izzy, I'm not so sure a verbal explanation would be wise in the case of a verbally and emotionally abusive man.

OP, stick to your plan. It's easier to get the message across that way. It's also more difficult for him to verbally abuse you or interrupt that way.

[DontCallMeFrothyDragon]

Also, ditto what HerScaryness said.

If you need the number for WA, it's 0800 2000 247

[ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow]

The number for WA is 0808 2000 247

[ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow]

purplebridgett, you know ahead of time that you will get both nasty and nice from him as a reaction to breaking up with him. Have scenarios in your mind ahead of time of how you will react to both:

• How will you react if he calls? (eg. ignore)
  

• How will you react if he comes round? (eg. call the Police)
  

• How will you react if he bumps into you in a public place? (eg. pretend he is a nut you don't know and try to get passersby on side -- members of the public are much more likely to help a woman being harassed by a "stranger" than they are to intervene in what they will view as "a domestic")
  

• How will you react if he corners you alone? (eg. hold up both hands palms out, and in a low, firm voice tell him "Back off", and dial police if he doesn't)
  

Good luck. Don't beat yourself for having been roped back in 6 times. I've read that the average number of times an abused woman attempts to leave is 7, so this is going to be your winning attempt!

[izzywhizzysfritenite]

I hear what you're saying Dragon but IME dumping an already angry/aggressive/abusive individual by text can provide them with cause (in their mind) to go on a crusade to win back/subdue/crush the person who's dumped them.

For sure, he's gotta go and the sooner the better, but IMO a brief call and a firm tone of voice that allows no interruptions will at least give him no cause to complain about any perceived 'lack of respect' shown by bridgett if she dumps him by text and which, again IMO, is likely to in itself add fuel to his personal fire and may ensure that it burns for far longer than it needs to.

[sunshineandbooks]

Good luck purple. I'll make sure I'm round tonight checking MN to see how you're getting on, and feel free to PM me if you need a bit of one-to-one moral support.

The last time I tried ending a relationship with a verbal-til-that-point abuser face-to-face it got physically violent. If your instincts are telling you to do this one step removed, listen to them. You don't owe him a explanation because you've already tried to do this face-to-face 6x already and he doesn't listen - he just browbeats you into giving it another go.

If you have any concerns, phone the help desk of your local constabulary and put them in the picture. They won't do anything but having your name and address in the system may mean that if you have to make an emergency call because he's outside your house, won't leave and is scaring you, you should receive a higher priority (I think. This was the case for me, but I don't know if that's country-wide policy or my constabulary only).

Good luck. You are taking the first step to freedom.

[ShroudOfHamsters]

You are doing the right thing.

Some great advice here, my suggestion would be to be EXTREMELY cold, tough, no nonsense in any communication you have.

Whether it's call or text - write down what you want to say first if it's a call - say it, then be clear that you don't want to discuss ANY aspect of it, you don't want ANY more contact. Stick to it - broken record time.

'I do not wish to have any more contact with you. If you persist in trying to contact me I will report you for harassment.' Phone down.

He texts - you send one text saying that all further communication will be ignored, any threatening or abusive texts will be referred to police.

If he calls - ignore. If you bump into him, strong voice - do not speak to me, or I will call the police. Leave me alone RIGHT NOW.

And if he does persist - then follow through - call the police, don't hesitate.

Your best bet with someone like this is to not give an inch, and follow through with any threats. If he senses a chink in the armour, he'll keep on coming. But if you show NO HESITATION in calling the police if he tries even to SPEAK to you once you have asked him not to, he will back off. He'll see he's not getting anywhere, and he'll back off.

Good luck!

[BertieBotts]

Izzy fair point, but if he's that angry and abusive he's likely to find some kind of self-justified cause for crusade whatever she does. So best for OP to do this in a way which causes the least emotional upset to her, since she's already tried the nice way.

OP, this is going to sound like overkill, but it is worth contacting the police on their non emergency number and saying that you are going to break up with this guy and he is unpredictable and has made threatening moves before, and ask what they would advise. When I broke up with XP I was worried he would go and try to find me at my mum's house (I wasn't there) and harrass her trying to find where I was. She asked the police for advice and they assured her to phone them if he did anything and then went through what they would do and what would happen if XP reacted in X way or Y or Z way. She found it really reassuring.

[Uppity]

purple you don't owe this man a verbal explanation or anything else. Izzy's point about him feeling aggrieved that you dumped him by text is a fair one, but tbh with a man like this, if you dump him by any other method, he will also feel aggrieved because at base, he doesn't believe you have the right to dump him by any method, text, letter, conversation, e-mail, call - you simply have no right to do it, so therefore the means you choose is immaterial. He will simply latch on to this as a thing to make you feel guilty and exert control over you, but actually if you didn't do it by text, he'd find another method to try and control you. If you do decide to dump him verbally, then do it in a public place where there are lots of witnesses.

I personally wouldn't bother with the public place meeting though, I think text is fine. You don't owe him the time, the stress or the distress of having to see him.

[purplebridgett]

Thank you so much for all your comments. Have thought a lot about the best means to go about this and it has to be some kind of written communication. I don't want a response basically! As soon as we get into any kind of dialogue he'll have an opportunity to try to persuade me to keep it going. On the one hand I'd be mortified if somebody dumped me by text but on the other, unlike him, I've never had an extreme reaction to being ended with or given anybody a reason to think that I would have. I have tried to do it nicely six times. Now I just need to move on with my life.

I get what people have said about changing my routine and I was planning to do this as much as I'm able - unfortunately he lives just around the corner from DS's nursery so I can't avoid being in his vicinity. But will take a different route, drop DS off a bit earlier than usual and instead of coming home before going to work go into town. Also unfortunately he never has money so he never makes phone calls or texts - if he wants contact with me he will try to see me in person. (He's unemployed and all his money goes on cannabis. I know, I know!). He's always accidentally on purpose bumping into me.

Maybe with all planning I'm sounding cold and clinical but I'm feeling plenty of emotions too. Like worrying about the future - what if I never find somebody else? (I've always worried about this when a relationship breaks down. But he doesn't love me, I know he doesn't love because of the way he treats me and because he makes me feel used, and I need to hold onto that, right? Coz even if I never meet anybody else I'm better off on my own.) And not wanting to hurt him, coz you should spare other human beings pain if at all possible. And knowing I have at least a few months ahead of me where I'm going to feel lonely and depressed.

But I'm still doing it, don't worry about that. I'm sick to death of feeling frightened of him.

[purplebridgett]

Sorry, all the planning.

[Uppity]

Purple, you have every right to sound as cold and clinical as you like.

But as it happens, you don't sound cold and clinical at all. You sound far too nice. This man is a prick, a loser and a control freak and you don't need him in your life.

Just try and make sure that you are never alone with him. Ever. If he bumps into you by accident, make sure you head towards people and public spaces.

You owe him nothing, don't feel guilty or bad about this.

[izzywhizzysfritenite]

what if I never find somebody else?

Highly unlikely, but I would suggest you need to empower and validate yourself before you go looking for someone else or fall into another unhappy relationship with an abusive twunt.

Have you sent a text?

[purplebridgett]

Thanks uppity. Whilst I'm being honest about how I'm feeling I have to confess I'm also worrying I will never again get to be with somebody as physically attractive - please don't think I'm shallow! Because he is beautiful to look at, and he's physically very much a man if you get what I mean, that's what he has going for him. He's no good for me, I know, but my nether regions have traditionally done a flip every time I've looked at him. I could've loved him so much! I'm average in the looks department and if he hadn't gotten himself into a life cul-de-sac with the drugs and no job he wouldn't be with somebody like me.

I'm not changing my mind though! Just trying to give you the full picture.

[purplebridgett]

Will do it before I go to bed. Then turn all the lights off and try to get some sleep.

[deviladvocate]

hope it's done, without question you're doing the right thing, you can't expose yourself or your child to someone you're scared of. hope it goes ok

[Prolesworth]

I can't add to the excellent advice already posted: just want to wish you good luck purplebridgett

[BoastingByStealth]

Me too, good luck, hope it all goes well, you've been given great advice here, and I hope the support you have had helps you stay strong.