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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Am I needy or is dp unreasonable?

27 replies

dollydoops · 10/10/2011 18:51

I am trying to figure out in my head whether it is me who needs to change or dp. Basically I find it v hard to function normally and carry on with my day if I feel that dp is unhappy. For example, yesterday I was puttering round quite happily doing bits of housework while dp was working on the computer and then I went upstairs and did some work on my own computer. When I came down sometime later to get my phone, dp was annoyed about something. Couldn't get her to tell me what it was and she just kept saying she was busy and couldn't I leave her to get on with her work. However, even though I knew it would be better to just leave her to it, I couldn't seem to let it go and stayed in the room asking and asking dp what was wrong and if I could help. Is this me being too needy or dp being unreasonably moody and difficult? Can't decide- help please!

OP posts:

Report

FabbyChic · 10/10/2011 18:53

Some people need space when they are dealing with problems, and space is what you should give them, it;s like you have an urge to try to cure all.

You can't. Back off in future and make yourself busy doing something else.

iMemoo · 10/10/2011 18:53

You're being way too needy.

purplewerepidj · 10/10/2011 18:59

I find it very hard to work out a problem if someone is hovering in the background. I also struggle to leave dp alone if something is clearly bothering him

I have to trust him (as he does me) to tell me if it's something I've done. After 2 years we're just getting the hang of the straight-out-telling thing!

Patienceobtainsallthings · 10/10/2011 19:15

Some good things to google might be co dependency,drama triangles and winners triangles ,all good things to read about regarding relationships .

CMOTdibbler · 10/10/2011 19:19

I have to say it would really get on my nerves if someone was insisting I tell them what was annoying me when I was working

lostinafrica · 10/10/2011 19:20

Personally, I often can't express what's wrong straight away, and am often too angry/worked up/upset to talk anyway. Would it help if you told her you're available if or when she wants to talk and believe that she'll do that? Would she do that?

The other thing is not to assume that you've done something wrong. And go and worry in another room - you can do that much even if you can't stop worrying, and it'll ease any tension between the two of you at that point.

maddy68 · 10/10/2011 19:25

that is largely why me and my DH split up - he never gave me any space - way too needy

mrsravelstein · 10/10/2011 19:31

you're needy

MangoMonster · 10/10/2011 19:33

Really could be either, you probably need to chat. Do you often have these situations?

BluddyMoFo · 10/10/2011 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 10/10/2011 22:09

I don't know. I think it is quite unreasonable of her. My husband is the same. He needs time to go through something in his head before he can tell me what's wrong. He used to tell me "nothing", but that drove me up the wall.

Now he tells me that he has something - he might give me a brief outline - and that he's going over it and we'll talk later.

There is nothing worse than seeing clearly that something is wrong and having someone (usually snottily) tell you that everything is "fine".

If you don't want to talk - say you don't want to talk. If you are still mulling something over - say you are still mulling something over.

But don't say that it's nothing when it is clearly something.

solidgoldbrass · 10/10/2011 22:14

Look, hanging around whining and plucking at your already-irritated partner is never a good idea. It's most likely that she was irritated over her work and the last thing she needed was you breathing down her neck and demanding attention. It's Not All About You. Learn to back off a little.

diedandgonetodevon · 10/10/2011 22:43

Faaar to needy. You struggle to function if your partner is unhappy? Really?

dollydoops · 10/10/2011 22:45

Ok thanks guys, I get the message! Will try and tone it down a bit.

OP posts:

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 10/10/2011 22:49

well but listen....if the OPs partner is showing he "I am not happy" signals and then refusing to share...it's controlling and mean. Does it happen often OP? And is it at certain times? Like when you go on your comp? Or do something fo yourself?

MangoMonster · 10/10/2011 22:53

dolly relationships are about communication and sharing. If this happens a lot, you need to find out why by chatting to her.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 10/10/2011 23:11

Exactly. Nobody on here has heard enough to deide that Dolly is needy or not.

solidgoldbrass · 11/10/2011 00:08

But the OP was happy and unaware of any issues until she went downstairs. Then she immediately jumped to the conclusion that the partner's unhappiness was down to her and despite being told that the partner was busy and wanted to work, carried on bleating and hovering around till the partner was really annoyed. People are allowed to be annoyed sometimes.

ShriekingLisa · 11/10/2011 00:24

Are you male?

This forum is laughable at times if this was obviously a female typing the op everyone would be asking of any other changes In behaviour or mood, but cos people obviously have thought the op is a bloke they are saying he is being too needy.

When shrs in a better mood make her a hot drink or buy her her fave choc and calmly ask if everythig was ok yesterday or whenever.

dollydoops · 11/10/2011 06:27

I am female. Does it make a difference?

OP posts:

dollydoops · 11/10/2011 06:28

And, mumbling, I did get the impression it was because I had been upstairs doing my own work, yes.

OP posts:

nooka · 11/10/2011 06:48

I don't know why it should be considered needy to want to know what is bothering your partner. It might be annoying, but that's another story isn't it?

I will often tell people that there is nothing bothering me when in truth I am seething about something or very upset. I find it very difficult to talk about my feelings if they are very strong and bottle like anything. This really is very unhelpful, makes us both very stressed and results ultimately in communication breakdowns. So after much upheaval and many years dh has learned to ask twice, and I have learned to talk after the second time (I still can't do it straight up).

So I think that you and your partner need to talk this one through, and learn some techniques for diffusing situations like this. It may be that your partner needs to let you know when she's bothered about something that is nothing to do with you and where you really can't help (and then you need to be able to go away and leave her to it). Or it may be that she needs to be able to tell you if something you have done has annoyed her (and maybe you need to hear that and be OK with it?) or there may be things which she might or might not want to talk throguh with you, but maybe needs to be able to say that she'd like your advice, but not right now (and you need to be OK with that too).

Sorry, just a long winded way of saying that communication is important!

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solidgoldbrass · 11/10/2011 08:10

Look, rule one of happy co-existence is that when someone tells you to go away and leave them alone, leave them the fuck alone. If they're annoyed with you, bleating at them will only make them more so, if they are annoyed about something else, being in their face whining for attention will only transfer their annoyance to you.

purplewerepidj · 11/10/2011 08:22

Actually, ShriekingLisa, I'd assumed from the overtly feminine username that the OP was female in a same-sex relationship.

Why does it matter? It's natural to want to make those we love happy, and irritating to constantly go on about it - and bloody hard work finding the balance!

LittleHouseofHorror · 11/10/2011 08:35

Dolly if your partner is getting cross because you are upstairs busy on your computer then maybe she is the one being needy. Does she expect you to interact and be available to help/chat etc or are there DC to look after that you were leaving to her?

Lisa I fail to see what difference gender makes here. The dynamic between them is the same regardless.

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