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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Using force to drag me around

69 replies

Arrogantcat · 09/10/2011 13:56

Is it ok to throw someone about, punch their arms and shove them against the wall?

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Arrogantcat · 09/10/2011 13:58

Did I deserve it because I said that if step-son (aged 14) moved in with us I'd move out? I accept I shouldn't have said it but is manhandling acceptable in this situation? My partner has terrified our 4 year old daughter and I am stuggling to know what to do next. He hasn't hit me, only dragged me about and frightened me and our kids.

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Tortington · 09/10/2011 14:00

is it acceptable for a stranger on the street to drag you about, pull youl shove you against a wall? would they be arrested for this?

well then why is it ok for someone who says they 'love' you to do this?

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SirSugar · 09/10/2011 14:01

No, its not acceptable its assault, call the police

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ImperialBlether · 09/10/2011 14:01

I would move out and let him live with his son.

You know that it's not right to throw someone around.

If his son is like his father, I can see why you wouldn't want to live with him.

Keep your children safe - you can only do that by leaving this man.

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Bucharest · 09/10/2011 14:02

"only" dragged you around?

Don't fall into the trap of thinking that what he's done is 1)OK because he didn't hit you or 2)OK because you shouldn't have said the ss can't move in.

What do you think you should do next? Have you RLfriends/family you can speak to? Go to?

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Xales · 09/10/2011 14:07

How is punching your arms not hitting? It is hitting. It is punching. Where does it need to be on your body for you to consider this hitting?

It doesn't matter what you say to someone. You never deserve to be physically assaulted.

If this was a stranger you would report them to the police without hesitation. Just because he is your partner does not make it acceptable.

Do you have any marks?

Report him.

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Xales · 09/10/2011 14:07

If there is a good reason for you not to want your SS to live with you I can see where he gets it from. Can't you?

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NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 09/10/2011 14:08

I'd move out too, even more so after the assault.

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Hatwoman · 09/10/2011 14:10

I am sure you will get good advice/support here - unfortunately there are too many nmers who've experienced similar. As others have said this is not acceptable, and it is violence/assault - he punched your arms and shoved you against a wall.

as well as teh power f mn (marvellous as it is) you need professional advice try www.womensaid.org.uk/ and for legal advice look at www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

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buzzskeleton · 09/10/2011 14:10

No, it's not ok, it's domestic violence. Do not accept it, get out.

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Hatwoman · 09/10/2011 14:11

sorry for typos - "the power of mn"

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Arrogantcat · 09/10/2011 14:11

He's corned me and called me a ct over and over again in front of our children. I can't even begin to talk rationally to him. My daughter is begging me to say sorry to him as she's terrified. I know I'm going to have to leave him aren't I?
He has two sons from his first marriage and is generally a good father to them, if a little relaxed. The eldest son is fed up of his mum nagging him about homework etc and called her a "f*cking bitch and because he's being punished (no laptop) he wants to move in with us.
We are living in a tiny house. The boys already have one room in our house for when they stay over and we are skint.
It began today that I wanted my partner to put us first over a hormonal, unreasonable, rude teenager but now it seems that I can't live with this man anyway...
He has scared me and hurt me. Seeing our daughter so scared and in floods of tears has shaken me so much yet all the time he's calling me a selfish ct and a crap mother.
I can't go anywhere tonight. My family live hundreds of miles away. My kids go to school here. They've just started. What the hell am I going to do?

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Mabelface · 09/10/2011 14:12

He has assaulted you. If he did this to someone on the street, he would be prosecuted. He can be prosecuted for doing this to you. He is the one responsible.

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NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 09/10/2011 14:16

Ring these people, they will help you

www.ncdv.org.uk/

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buzzskeleton · 09/10/2011 14:17

I'd get on a train/bus and go to your family, tbh. There are other schools.

Or call the police, and have him removed & charged. He has assaulted you. He has terrified your dc. I think he'd have to stay away for a certain length of time, and in the meantime you can put legal wheels in motion to keep him out.

If you accept this level of violence now, he will escalate it. He is using language children shouldn't hear and showing them violence they shouldn't know, for their sakes if not your own, you need him gone.

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Tortington · 09/10/2011 14:18

call the police

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Tortington · 09/10/2011 14:18

www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence read this

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kunahero · 09/10/2011 14:19

for the sake of your dc you have to get out asap.

Its assault. Full stop. The police will tell you its assault. Violence is violence regardless of where you inflict it on your body.

Call womens aid now and leave.

This will only get worse. Trust us.

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Xales · 09/10/2011 14:20

Your children will be much less damaged by moving away, changing schools and all being safe than they will by seeing you being attacked in your own home while they look on terrified or get caught in the middle and harmed themselves

You need to report this. If he does it again you then have evidence that he has done it before. If you don't report it then you can't use it as evidence.

You and your DD deserve to be safe, happy and not scared.

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bubblegumpop · 09/10/2011 14:24

Report it NOW. If your children are this traumatised and seen it all. Do it yourself NOW.

Before they go into school tomorrow, tell the teachers and they involve social services for you.

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elesbells · 09/10/2011 14:27

I would call the police and get him removed....why should you and your dd put up with that shit?

Don't you move anywhere.... you get him out

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madam52 · 09/10/2011 14:27

Please please please do not apologise or backtrack and allow your ss to move in with you. If its this hard now throw a teenage entitled stepson and beyond ridiculously protective father into the arena and your life will be hell. It is a very very hard situation even with the sweetest kindest NPs - you only have to look on the stepparenting threads to see that. With a short tempered NP like your DH who's obviously extremely over-zealously protective of his son you really should run for the hills. Say/agree with if you must whatever you have to for next few days [been there] to keep yourself safe but get out as soon as you can. The boy himself - who sounds a charmer btw - will soon be playing his father off against you and he wont hear a word against him and you will then have two abusive (nearly) adult males to contend with.

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NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 09/10/2011 14:27

ArrogantCat are you ok? What did the police say when you reported it?

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nothaunted · 09/10/2011 14:33

Get him charged. Where is he now? He has assaulted you in the family home. It is him who has to go. He is likely to spend at least a night in the cells for this. Unless it is entirely his house, you can stay there at least until this is sorted. If he is charged and doesn't plead guilty he will most likely be bailed and as a condition will have to stay away from you and the DCs. Phone your local police station and the DV adviser will help you through things. And do phone WA - it can take a while to get through - but don't go as you need housing, stability and security for your DCs right now. If you can get a RL friend or family member to come to you, that could be better. It is him who has violated the security of the family and assaulted you. Keep in touch you will get lots of help here.

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madam52 · 09/10/2011 14:34

Also can i say - agree with elsebells - very good point - and there is lots of help out there these days to help women like yourself get out of a situation like this. Apologies if already been said but look up Womens Aid or Refuge in your area or call your local Police Station. Once you set the ball rolling - like I did years ago - you need never look back. But dont let him talk you round - bullies like him will say/do absolutely anything to get you back under their control and then go right back to how things were before and usually worse (because now you have to 'pay' for having the audacity of trying to leave them once) .