Bit of background:
Mum left dad for another man when I was 5 - just upped sticks and virtually emptied the house while he was working abroad- he knew nothing about it till he came home on leave for Xmas and house was empty with me and her gone to live with this other man (who eventually became SD).
SD quickly showed his true colours as a nasty, bullying control freak who was very jealous of me.
DF kept up contact after the split and I would stay with him perhaps for a week 2-3 times a year (due to him living and working overseas) and after my initial shyness wore off (as I hadn't seen much of him at all during my short life) I enjoyed the visits a lot as he paid a lot more attention to me than I was used to getting at home.
He met another woman when I was about 7 who had a DS my age and at first everything was OK but I didn't really get on with her son.
Sometimes I would stay with her and her son in my DFs house when he wasn't there and occasionally she would do spiteful things like buy her son a pack of sweets and not me and tell him not to give me any, but on the whole it was alright but I think, like SD, she was also jealous of having to share my father with me.
By the time I was around 9 they were engaged, living together and dad stopped living overseas so I would visit once a fortnight.
This is when it turned sour, most of the visit me and SMs son would be told to go off and play all day with no attention from the adults and we didn't get on well at all. DF would spend his time drinking and keeping SM happy, he also became unemployed.
They married when I was 10 and the first visit after the wedding there was a big row during which DF slapped SMs son hard enough to leave finger marks. My behaviour at his house had also become quite bad and I would make excuses not to visit.
When my next visit was due, I spoke to him on the phone and he said I couldn't come that week as he was busy and he would ring me and let me know when I could visit - and never rang again.
I had the odd birthday card from him until I was about 13 then it stopped completely.
DM spoke to him on the phone once and she claimed he said all sorts of nasty things about me.
Now, my gran (DM mother) met him recently and informed him I now had a DD and they spoke a bit about the past and his recollection of events is very different to mine. No message to say he is asking after me or anything.
Gran met him again a few days ago and he asked her to start carrying a photo of my DD to let him see if they bump into each other again.
Now I'm wondering if I should give gran a photo of DD fir him along with contact details for me and perhaps arrange to meet (if he wanted)?
Bear in mind it has been 20 years since I spoke to him.
Or should I let sleeping dogs lie?
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Father estranged for 20 years. Should I make first move?
16 replies
Catwhiskers10 · 06/10/2011 16:20
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