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Uncomfortable 'friendship'

23 replies

carolina71 · 03/10/2011 13:23

Ok so I started a new job about a year ago. I was sharing an office with a really nice woman called Julia - we got on like a house on fire I suppose you would say. She was married, no kids. Her husband works nights so she doesn't see much of him I guess. She was really keen to be friends, said it was like we were 'separated at birth' which was taking it a bit far perhaps but yes we had lots in common, or so I thought.

She came to my house one weekend and met my kids. Immediately she dubbed herself 'Aunty Jules' and complimented me on the kids saying they were lovely, well mannered etc. Kids liked her. I noticed she was really 'full on' wanting to be friends. My husband came on our works xmas do and she monopolised him at the bar - not in a way that was threat to me but in a way of 'I'm caroline's best friend' sort of thing. She also lives near a big branch of Marks and Spencer and she was affronted that I'd been to Marks and Spencer without visiting her house (I didn't have her home address and would never presume to drop in unannounced). She really seemed to want to be my best frined, and quickly.

We tried to go out in the evenings a few times but it's difficult for me with the kids and husband works shifts, whereas her husband is hardly ever home so she's free every evening. We did go to the cinema and shopping a couple of times but when we stopped to eat I found she just wanted to bitch about people from our office and started sort of picking at me a bit as well (for example, talking about what I was wearing, critisizing some jewellery I had on).

Anyway, we had a few good chats in the office. Turns out she and her husband had been trying for a baby for about a year, nothign happening. She was really quite unhappy about it. I explained I'd had similar issues trying to concieve and it had taken me two years to fall pregnant the first time - no explanation, just the way it was. I was supportive and told her to hang on in etc. At the time she said she thought I had the perfect life - she even said 'I want to be you' which I thought was a bit strange but took as a compliment. I don't have the perfect life by any means but I think some people look upon me as this woman who has a nice husband and nice kids and a nice house and a good job and on the surface, yes, that's pretty damned good but everyone has difficulties in their life, and I'm no exception.

Anyway after a while I realised she was actually quite bitchy - whenever somebody would come into the room, she would rip them to bits the minute they left and I realised she probably did this about me too. I began to find this quite wearing, though she had enough other good qualities t make me want to be friends. And then a new woman (Michelle) started working with us.

This new woman is single and younger than us. She's really nice (unassuming, not bitchy at all) and from the word go I noticed that Julia had 'pounced on her' and deemed her to be her sort of new best friend. After a few weeks I heard them talking about how they were 'separated at birth' and it really took me aback because the conversation was almost identical to the one we'd had a few months earlier.

She and Julia started going out after work without inviting me, which is probably because most of the time I wouldn't be free to go anyway but I did notice that I wasn't invited at all and that Julia seemed to enjoy talking about what they had done afterwards so I'd overhear - which reminded me of being about 14. They now seem to go out several times a week, often straight from work which suits them both I suppose.

Julia and I remained friends. We would occasionally sit together for lunch. I bought a new house and she asked to come and see it, so we went. However, the friendship seemed to tail off and now I just find it uncomfortable.

I no longer share an office with Julia because we had a reshuffle of roles at work. I rarely see her now except in the staff room (which is very small). She and Michelle have lunch together in the staff room and when I go in there with my lunch she makes it clear I'm not welcome by excluding me from the conversation or talking about places they have been. Michelle treats me as normal but she's not very talkative and Julia sort of dominates the conversation.

I guess I feel I was dumped and I'm wondering why - was I no use to Julia as a friend becuase I'm restricted by having kids whereas Michelle isn't? I have also wondered whether she just prefers to hang out with other people who are childless because her fertility issues are then less in her face? Would she be knocking on my door if she became pregannt and could no longer live this 'single life ' after work? if she wanted to go to soft play with our kids? - I'm clutching at straws I guess.

I just find it all confusing, a bit hurtful and also quite awkward. Has anyone else experienced this who can give me some insight into their perception of what happened and advice on how to handle it. I'm currently eating lunch at my desk every day because I feel unwelcome in the staffroom, which isn't a long term solution.

I work 4 days a week so it's fairly problematic.

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HairyGrotter · 03/10/2011 13:27

I'd take it as a blessing tbh. She sounds a nightmare. Be thankful you're no longer Michelle in the scenario