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Relationships

The fear of being alone/without him (or anyone)

15 replies

JarOfHearts · 10/09/2011 22:32

My relationship is not much good. I know that. I wanted it to be but it isn't and nothing is going to change it.

I am frightened of how I will cope alone, not so much the practical aspects (no small thing in my particular circumstances) but more the emotional.

Missing him. I love him and in his way his loves me but we're not going to make it much beyond the 2 year mark. I can see that.

Knowing he'll replace me almost immediately. He can and will. (He' not a cheat; there's no OW, but he'll move on quickly. This is what he does.) The "knowing" that he has moved on.. back on dating scene.. being like he was with me in the beginning with someone new.. curled around someone else in bed.

The feeling of hopelessness and the void that I will (at least initially) see my future as.

The lonely evenings.

The "couples everywhere" - the crippling envy at seeing how other people's lovely men treat them - the awful awful sadness at knowing that this is now lost to me.

Christmas. Fecking Christmas.

The dread that I should have done different/been different/kept it going.

I experienced all these feelings (and more) 3 years ago after coming out of a 14 year marriage to the father of my DC. It was complicated (worse I suppose) then because I was tied to him, practically and emotionally, for a long time after the split. Ihad to see him and interact with him whilst trying to teach myself to stop loving the unfaithful rat. I succeeded in the end, obviously. It took about a year of mostly hellish emotional trauma whilst posting in here in my old guise and whilst trying to carry on as normal-ish for the kids. Hell. Lonely, miserable hell. There is only so much misery you can heap on your friends.

This would be a clean break. He'd be gone from my house, my life and my facebook and probably from my friends' facebooks. He believes in clean breaks. Don't look back. I know this from many general conversations we've had.

Oh the agony of imagining changing the "Jar Is In A Relationship With..." on Facebook. (Why am I worrying about facebook?)

I don't let go easily and it takes me forever to fall out of love. i think i must be a masochist like this.

This one is not a fuckwit. He is honest and faithful. But not particularly nice to me that much of the time. Not anymore. Part of it is probably due to sharing my intense (sometimes hellish) life (challenging violent poor smearing disabled child) and helping me, often admirably, with all this. But mostly I think it's his personality (I'm also far from perfect obviously). The honeymoon period lasted a few months and I've been waiting for it to come back for the last 18 months. Lost "me" a bit in process I think.

I have a big (DP unrelated) battle coming up with the "system" re my SN DS which will be emotional and heartwrending in itself. I'd do anything for my DP to be what I need him to be - someone whose arms I can collapse into at the end of the day and just be myself and however I need to be. But that is not going to happen. I have admitted this to myself.

We have addressed our relationship issues to each other. But we are still getting from day to day. Week to week is getting harder.

i don't want this to end but I know it has to.

Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

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JarOfHearts · 10/09/2011 22:35

*poo smearing for anyone who got that far. (Not "poor".) Sorry to be graphic. Just a small snapshot of the "non everyday" challenges the relationship has tried, and failed rather unsurprisingly, to weather.

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