Honestly don't think I can cope with my mother anymore

[lovesmybed]

Hello
Basically I have always tried to be a "good daughter" my mum is on her own and has been for years. I invite her on family holidays, she always spends Christmas with us etc.
She has always been a bit mentally unstable and over relies on me for everything. Most days she will call down, even if I have already seen her. She will phone up to three times a day.
There is always a problem, an emergency, someone who has upset her and she wants me to sort it out.
Today I came in and the phone was ringing. This happens a lot think she just calls non-stop till I get in. Anyway she was telling me she was having an allergic reaction, her tongue was swelling, she thought she was going to faint. I rushed round and there was nothing at all wrong with her. Two nights ago she rang at three in the morning to say that she was having a bad nightmare and she thought it was a reaction to some more tablets she was taking.
She is constantly at the doctors three to four times a week with some new medical condition she thinks she has got. I really do think she has mental health problems.
I seriously don't know what to do with her. I have spoke to her about this but she serious thinks she is ill and has genuine problems.
I have two kids, I have a job, I have a life.
I am getting to the point now where I don't want to answer the phone, want to move further away from her.
Am I a complete bitch? Can anyone advise me of how to cope?
Thanks
xxx

[buzzsorekillington]

What did she say when it became clear she wasn't having an allergic reaction?

And no, I don't think you're a bitch at all, it sounds really difficult and that you're doing your best for someone who is extremely demanding.

[lovesmybed]

She always just makes this huge fuss and then an hour later says everything is fine. She never seems embarrassed about the drama she creates. It is like she has a really low pain threshold so she will get a bit of cramp in her leg and actually scream and want to call an ambulance. She isn't right I know she isn't

[Flisspaps]

I think perhaps you need to go to the doctor with her for one of these appointments (ask if she can book a double slot) and then tell the doctor that you are worried about her. List the issues.

If the GP thinks there is a genuine problem, you might be able to get her some help. If your DM is taking the piss, it might be enough to shame her into stopping.

[TheFlyingOnion]

she sounds lonely to me - can she get out at all? Join Darby and Joan or something so she's not sitting at home on her own inventing illnesses?

[thisishowifeel]

If it's anything like the situation with my "mother", the GP will have already worked out that there is something wrong that is not strictly physical. Unfortunately, it's nothing to do with you.

My "mother's" GP said at one point, not directly referring to "mother" that " the problem with people with borderline personality disorder is that they won't seek help for it" Told me, without actually telling me IYSWIM.

Not saying that this is what is wrong with your M, but to point out that they probably already know.


I'm sorry. You need to look after yourself and your family.

I'm sorry.

[CoffeeIsMyFriend]

Maybe you could try ignoring the problems for a while.

When she rings with an allergic reaction, tell her to take an antihistamine. IF she calls with a terrible headache that she reckons is a brain tumour, tell her to take some aspirin. What I am saying is do not go rushing round every time she calls. LEarn to say NO!

I am sorry you are going through this though.

[lovesmybed]

thisis how i feel could you please give me some more info on borderline personality disorder. Have you had some family experience of it?
Thanks for all your replies. Am sure the doctor must be aware of her mental state.

[thisishowifeel]

With my "mother" it presented as extreme black and white thinking. Putting people on a pedestal, then demonising them when they inevitably fell short in some way. Ie being human!

Conflict. For example; if a shop assistant had committed even the most minor misdemeanor, or something had gone wrong, through no one's fault...she would expect the ENTIRE family to boycott the shop, and if you didn't you were "disloyal" and then demonised. Often sent for "trial" at one of her kangaroo courts where she attempted to get others on her "side" against you.

lies, even incomprehensible petty stuff. Saying one thing to one person and then completely changing it, even though the first person was listening to the updated version of the story, and being completely unaware of doing it.

Oh and the illness...and the expectation of those around her to dance attention and be at permanent beck and call...including the GP and all the surgery staff. I think she drove them round the bend.

Promiscuity...she was essentially the "village bike" and did little to hide it. Side room in the pub anyone? Yuk.

She only appeared to be capable of liking one person at a time.


All in all. A nightmare. I have nothing whatever to do with her.

I really hope your situation is a million miles away. All PD's are on a scale though. I think "mother" is really rather bad. She spent time as an in patient at the local psyche hospital, had ect etc. :(

The point I wanted to make was that you won't be the only person who has noticed. Hope I haven't scared you, but hopefully put your mind at rest that it isn't a bad PD.

[lovesmybed]

wow gosh all that must have been pretty tough to cope with hope you are okay now.
A couple of things you have said are ringing massive bells. The love them one minute hate them the next. The other thing she does more and more is to make up stories from the past which didn't happen or not the way she interprets them. This too is to put certain people in a bad light. She also changes her story all the time. Hard to keep up with
Don't think she is promiscuous, god I hope not, the thought of that (shudder)

[almostgrownup]

You need to set some boundaries, and absolutely stick to them. (eg You are invited every Sunday for lunch, the rest of the week is my private family time). Otherwise this will impinge on your own family life. Watching this kind of dependency and manipulation is no good for children growing up; and surely your dp does not like it? Also you will end up hating her. You will need to be brave as it will not be easy to undo the relationship pattern that has set in. Good luck :)