Advice on what I do next please...

[LittleMissMess]

I need some perspective on my situation please, I haven't been able to talk to anyone in RL.

I recently cheated on OH, one night, with a colleague. Have felt unsure about my relationship for a while and haven't really fancied OH for ages. I feel terrible, but what I did doesn't feel very real (I was drunk, maybe why it's hazy?). There are problems in my relationship, OH can behave erratically, has mood swings, I have built up resentment over household/childcare stuff, I think I am passive-aggressive and I find it difficult to talk to him about how I'm feeling. Sexlife is pretty sparse. Ocationally it all blows up and OH has some kind of meltdown, and I reasure him and it is swept under the carpet again. I actually feel like I want to be on my own but the thought of taking away the life that OH really wants to hold on to is too sad, and it would be hard on my own - we have 2 kids. My overiding feeling is that I just go through the motions with my relationship and that I have lost the will to make any effort. I tell him I love him but I don't think I mean it.

And, the colleague is playing games with me. I still have to work with him but he ignores my calls and emails for ages, then I get late'ish night texts about meeting up, being together etc. Asking me to call him, than he doesn't answer. I don't want to be with him in a relationship, I would like to be single though so I could persue it as something casual, but I think I might just be seeking his approval.

Even reading that back it does't seem real. I don't know what I am doing and I don't know what to do for the best. Am really hoping that someone has some advice.

Thank you.

[Jazzicatz]

Well I think you need to take the colleague out of the equation, who sounds like a total knob jockey and think about whether you want a relationship with your OH.

[TimothyClaypoleLover]

The fact you cheated is a big indication that you are unhappy in your relationship. Agree with Jazzi, take the colleague out of the equation and have a proper think about what you want with OH.

[LittleMissMess]

Yes, colleague does sound like a wanker doesn't he? I am getting slightly obsessed though, phone watching for texts etc - right where he wants me I suspect :(

I don't know if I want a relationship with OH. I don't think I'm happy but he's not a bad bloke most of the time. Thing with colleague has just confused me - I don't think I love OH enough, and will probably hurt him in the end somehow, whether that is ending the relationship or something else. I am looking for a get out I suppose but don't want to be the baddy.

Do you think counselling would be helpful? I can't talk about this with any of my friends, too ashamed. I need to work out what I want though don't I, otherwise it's not fair?

[Jazzicatz]

Its sounds as if you know what the answer is but you are not ready quite to deal with it. Maybe councelling would help you make sense of it all!

[lazarusb]

Counselling could be a start to unravelling how you feel. Imo it sounds like you aren't in love with your dh but you still care about him. You sound sad more than anything else. You feel stuck and that you don't have anywhere to turn. Counselling can help you break down and understand your feelings, maybe help you decide which direction you want to go in.
Definitely tell your colleague to stop contacting you wrt this, make it clear it was a one off.