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A quick peck on the lips from a male friend, what does it mean?

(303 Posts)
waitingfornaru Thu 11-Aug-11 16:50:50

I have been chatting to a man virtually every night on facebook for a couple of years. He's a family friend, we occasionally cross paths. Our conversations on there are mildly flirty every so often but neither of us like to progress into anything uncouth online.

Every night otherwise, near enough, talk about anything and everything. We don't use the Chat function or send private messages to eachother (Ok, about 2 each in two years), my reason mainly because he's already told me things like everytime he logs on, particular women always instantly send him messages, so I don't want to be like that. I also agree with him that there's nothing we can't say in 'public' on facebook, so no need for private messaging.

At a family wedding, we had our first real opportunity to sit and talk to eachother for several hours, having previously only been in the company of other family members or similar, here we were pretty much together most of the night, having both drunk, but him only a couple of pints, I gave him the usual hug goodbye and a kiss on the cheek, but he gave me a quick peck on the lips. It wasn't a misjudged aim.

What does that peck mean?

Everyone says that he likes me, but if this is alluded to in facebook conversations we both deliberately ignore it and try to change the subject!

We are both single by the way and in early 40s, both out of very long-term relationships exactly two years ago, both of us.

LittleHousebytheRiver Thu 11-Aug-11 17:02:05

What would you like it to mean?

waitingfornaru Thu 11-Aug-11 17:11:21

I'd like it to mean he wants to snog me to the floor :D but he's either very cautious or just not that interested in me sad

BertieBotts Thu 11-Aug-11 17:12:26

I think you should jump him wink

BertieBotts Thu 11-Aug-11 17:13:01

It's the facebook conversations which are shouting it loud and clear to me, BTW.

waitingfornaru Thu 11-Aug-11 17:27:57

BertieBotts Do you think so? I worry if I'm reading too much into it. I seem to have begun thinking about him a lot, like if I see something in the shops or on TV I will think, crumbs so-and-so would love that.

But in two years, he has not asked me out sad It's all wishful thinking, isn't it? I don't know what I'd do anyway if he did, I haven't dated in ten years and how can I with very young children? was all just lovely and fluid talking on facebook until that 'kiss', perhaps it was accidental, either way, it only lasted a nanosecond, not lingering, but enough to put a lightning bolt through me. Although I'm one of those people suffers from wanton electrical static, perhaps it was our proximity to the car at the time made me feel like that.

At the end of the day, I have such huge respect for him, he is so lovely, I love talking to him at night, he makes me feel less lonely. I need to nip this in the bud don't I before I start to have feelings for him, that won't do at all.

MrGin Thu 11-Aug-11 17:29:41

I wouldn't kiss anyone on the lips unless I wanted to move in a more intimate direction.

JanMorrow Thu 11-Aug-11 17:31:02

ask him out for lunch or a coffee or something, go awwwn.

waitingfornaru Thu 11-Aug-11 17:35:06

Could it be that he just has friendly affection for me do you think? ie I respect you, like you but don't fancy you or want anything else with you. That's it, think I have cracked it!

waitingfornaru Thu 11-Aug-11 17:36:27

I would JanMorrow but I'm kinda old-fashioned and prefer the man to do the asking. I also don't want to risk losing him as a friend if he thought I might want to take things gently further.

MrGin Thu 11-Aug-11 17:39:53

friendly affection is usually expressed with the old cheek kiss. he may feel uncertain about what you would like. maybe he's quite shy. like I said planting a kiss on the lips is a subtle step up from on the cheek.

dangalf Thu 11-Aug-11 18:00:35

I think it was a tester - he's upping the ante a bit without going for broke. I'm guessing he came out of a long term relationship 2 years ago? If so he could be nervous etc. so imo - ask him out.

dangalf Thu 11-Aug-11 18:02:06

Oh sorry - just saw your post that you want him to do the asking - in that case, if he is of a nervous/shy disposition then you need to drop massive hints. Trust me, as a bloke, I required almighty hints from a girl before I became confident she liked me.

waitingfornaru Thu 11-Aug-11 18:03:28

MrGin, he is quite shy, you're right.

Guess I just need another opportunity for a goodbye scenario, so I can see if it happens again.

But my goodness, I sure do like goodbyes now!

BertieBotts Thu 11-Aug-11 18:04:52

These little TV things or things you see in shops - do you tell him that you saw these things and thought of him? That would be a good hint that you're thinking of him even when you don't talk.

MrGin Thu 11-Aug-11 18:07:22

... agree with dan. i always felt I needed almighty hints. was completely paraniod that I'd offend otherwise.

honeyandsalt Thu 11-Aug-11 18:14:25

Oh ffs you're 40 not 14, ask the man for a drink, you can have a few gins and a laugh with a man without it meaning you're sitting up a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G .

I have friends who circled one another for YEARS before getting it together. You only live once.

waitingfornaru Thu 11-Aug-11 18:15:40

Ah dangalf, but how do I let him know I like him and would wish to take things very gently further? ~ I don't want to tell him straight, I'd be too scared of losing him for good if he didn't think the same.

What kind of scenario, what words?

How the heck do people ever get together in the first place! :D

I can't ask him out, that's making it too obvious and he seems to have some problems with women being very direct with him via facebook, ie letting him know when their husband's out of town sort of thing.

I have a crushing feeling I should just let it be and just remain as we always were, that I might be one of very women if not the only one who isn't chasing him down the garden path right now. Perhaps he needs that. It's so hard holding myself back though, he's so beautiful inside and out <sigh>.

I'm overthinking...I think.

There was alcohol involved after all, though I think only 3 or 4 pints on his side.

Thankyou for all your replies so far, I will report back if I ever have another opportunity to kiss him back like that, unlikely I know.

JanMorrow Thu 11-Aug-11 18:23:53

slip him the tongue

waitingfornaru Thu 11-Aug-11 18:27:11

honeyandsalt ... I know, I see what you're saying, but I'm two years out of a quite abusive relationship, I need to take things slower than usual. That he has the intuitive blessing of all my family and friends thus far is a good sign though, I trust their instincts ~ they all had huge misgivings about my last relationship from day one.

BertieBotts .... I may have done? Can't remember, he has certainly done so, like he has dropped into conversations before such as, 'I was telling my brother about your love of (this hobby)'.

Another thing, he calls me 'gorgeous' sometimes on facebook when saying goodbye usually in the very early hours when no-one else is online anyway, then deletes it after a few minutes, enough time for me to read it.

But he isn't silly, we both know that even if I missed that, it would still be visible on notifications sent to email or mobile. He knows that surely, so it's like a little game (but I love it!). I don't think I have ever done this drop and delete thing to him however, perhaps I ought to?

Just writing this all down is helping me sort my head out at any rate, I don't think I can deny any longer that he has begun to stir up some feelings. Oh dear! I'm scared now. I'm no oil painting, I have young children, I am a boring n e r d ! He can't possibly be interested, he's too handsome and lovely for me.

MrGin Thu 11-Aug-11 18:28:34

waitingfornaru. Of course you can ask him out, just don't suge night clubbing. Be subtle and test the waters. he's kissed you on the lips... a minor little thing to most, but it is a subtle action from him that he's like to take things further...

It's your turn to make a little gesture. He's probably banging his head against a wall thinking 'oh my God I shouldn't have done that'

Arrange to meet again. Enjoy yourselves, don't over think it, and you aim a little smacker on the lips grin

Just take it slowely ( and keep everybody informed of all the little developments smile

honeyandsalt Thu 11-Aug-11 18:43:27

Awwww this is the sweetest love story ever please invite me to the wedding

The danger is you're so freaked out and talking yourself out of this that you're in danger of sending him "back off" signals. He may have mention the married women chasing him thing just as chat, trust me if he wasn't into you there is no way you'd be chatting to him every night, let alone "gorgeous", long chat in person, kiss on the lips. Don't say hi to him the minute he logs on, but an IM saying something like "Hi there! Had a great time at the wedding, it was lovely chatting to you in person for once :D" If he takes the hint, great, if not carry on as normal.

Seconding Mr Gin's call for updates pls

BertieBotts Thu 11-Aug-11 18:55:19

I agree - start with the IM as honey says - if he questions why not send it as a public message just say "Oh I didn't think everyone would be interested in hearing that. Anyway what have you been up to?" - the privacy of the IM might push him to say something more?

Fuzzled Thu 11-Aug-11 18:56:30

Maybe try "bemoaning" the fact that you'd like to see xxxx film (one you think he'd like too) but no one else wants to see it/already have plans to see it with others?

If he's interested, it's an option for him to ask you out without pressure for either of you - and you might get a "goodnight" kiss! grin

Could you just say "it was lovely to see you at the wedding, fancy a coffee sometime?" If you've emailed everyday like you say, aren't you comfortable enough just to ask him for coffee....

Its not like you are suggesting a candle lit dinner...

Good luck !

MrGin Thu 11-Aug-11 19:08:24

..... or let him know in a non-chat way ( i.e. so he doesn't have to give an instant answer / on the spot ) that you had a jolly good time meeting and chatting with him and to let you if he'd perhaps like to meet up again sometime....

ImperialBlether Thu 11-Aug-11 19:10:25

I don't use facebook so am not sure about this. Do you mean that whatever you say to him and he says to you can be read by anyone else who is friends with you?

That would be my idea of hell!

Couldn't someone in the family invite you both round for dinner?

Lotkinsgonecurly Thu 11-Aug-11 19:14:28

Agree coffee great idea, next time he goes to peck you on the lips, use tongues!!! You go girl, you obviously get on well, if he says no then play it cool and nothing ventured nothing gained etc.

Next time you are on FB with him, let the conversation go openly on status's - the just switch to 'chat' and say 'fancy a coffee sometime?'

Do it ! A blossoming romance is making me feel warm & fluffy wink

It's only coffee...what have you got to lose?

waitingfornaru Thu 11-Aug-11 19:23:47

The cinema option is one I have been thinking of yes, especially now the children are old enough to be left with a family babysitter. There is a film I do actually want to see and it's very likely he hasn't seen it.

He's a family friend and pally with my sister too, should I ask if we can all go together ie him and I, plus my sister and her partner, rather than just him and I together?

I'm very conscious of the fact he seems to be quite shy but I am also fairly shy and that without alcohol involved on the cinema outing we may not be relaxed enough. You can't really incorporate a quick beer into an evening at the cinema, can you?? ~ someone has to drive after all!

I think he is away for a few days right now, so I'll see if the cinema thing can be done for this Sunday. Promise I will update smile Now I just have to figure out how to invite him without directly inviting him....

Why not be direct you wonder? Because ... whenever he writes stuff on his facebook about things he'd like to see, places to go, one of the aforementioned women always jumps in with, "Can I come with you too!" and suchlike. I just don't want him to think I am like them. I have spent two years online discovering his every funny foible and adorable nature, I have so much more respect for him than one of these married women just wanting to jump him for the night.

I'll get back to you all Sunday night, see if Fate will help me here with my worriesome problem of Propinquity.

Fuzzled Thu 11-Aug-11 19:28:48

Rope in sister to have an emergency once you're there?!

Four becomes two.... <door closes gently as music swells> grin

Why would you want your sister & partner there ?

Come on... Message him & just say you had a good time chatting to him & would he like a cuppa & cake !

You know him quite well now...if you went to see a film, you wouldn't be able to talk to him.

ImperialBlether Thu 11-Aug-11 19:36:20

I don't get this open messaging! Why do you want other people reading what you're saying?

Do you have him on MSN or anything similar? You could send him a message saying your Facebook is down and then you can talk privately.

Oh dear, he sounds like absolute hell, actually. Prancing around going on about how all these women are pursuing him, throwing you just enough scraps to get you interested - I bet you anything that if you do show any reciprocal interest you will get 'But I never meant anything like that, I like you as a friend, why do all these women fall in love with me, you have no idea what a curse it is to be so irresistible...' because that's how he gets his jollies.

I wouldn't use the the facility for commenting in status's to communicate, just go on Chat instead...

garlicbutter Thu 11-Aug-11 19:39:07

Oh, yeah, what everyone else says grin

For your information, I'm a social lip-kisser. But in your situation, I think it means what you want it to mean - because of the nightly chats online. You've obviously got 'something' going on between you smile

Ask him out!

In my customary role as the voice of doom, I'm a bit worried about his remarks wrt to hordes of women trying to hunt him down. Even though it's probably true, it's a tad unseemly to say so. He might be a player and/or have an insatiable ego. Then again, he might just be bit goofy and have thought this would make you interested. You won't find out until you get to know him better in real-life <nudge, nudge>


waitingfornaru Thu 11-Aug-11 19:39:49

I think I want them there as a safety net. I can't believe that he would be interested in me, so rather than risk the rejection of inviting him on a 'date' with just me, if I have other people with me, it's not a date, but a social occassion. I guess?

If I became aware he was horrified at the thought of being out with just me on a 'date', my self-esteem would just implode.

He'd also probably not ever talk to me again on Facebook. I don't know what I'd do with myself at night then. I'm incredibly lonely, I don't mind admitting. My partners have always also been my sole best friend. Even after we have parted. At least until they find a new woman. I have had no friends for over two years sad

I wouldn't even be thinking all this if he hadn't kissed me. It was probably just a missed aim. Bugger to bluddy hormones.

ImperialBlether Thu 11-Aug-11 19:41:05

Why has he got a load of married women on his Facebook?

Why hasn't he got the gumption to speak to you privately?

Why didn't he have the balls to ask you out at the wedding?

Do you want a man who can't make a decision?

SGB - you could be spot on...never thought of it that way and I've known a few bastards like that wink

waitingfornaru Thu 11-Aug-11 19:47:09

No SGB, I see where you are coming from of course. But he doesn't volunteer that information about the women, it's very obvious from the remarks they leave for him on his Facebook page, the way the same ones jump online to comment eveyr time he posts and he has only ever told me this about them once or twice and very discreetly with no hint of ego whatsoever, always in context within our conversation.

He is the most gentlemanly man I have ever known. There is no way he is a player. Women probably scare him more than entice him.

Yes garlicbutter, there's 'something' I think. Just wish I could define it!

ImperialBlether Thu 11-Aug-11 19:50:05

So when you two are talking on Facebook, everyone else can see? And every time he types something, someone else answers?

So really, there are other women who think he's being nice to them, too?

garlicbutter Thu 11-Aug-11 19:50:32

x-posted with SGB. I was thinking just now, if some geezer told me he was always being harassed by women after his body, I'd cross him off my friend list (short as it is.) It hasn't put you off, though, wfn, so I'm wishing you luck! Double-date sounds like a good idea.

garlicbutter Thu 11-Aug-11 19:52:07

Ooh, Imperial, I hadn't worked that one out!

Clever bugger. (Him ... and you)

waitingfornaru Thu 11-Aug-11 19:53:50

ImperialBlether I have lots of married women and men on my facebook too, it's common in your 40s ~ most of your friends, colleagues or old schoolfriends are married by now.

Effectively, he is speaking to me privately, in as much as there is nothing we cannot say to eachother on facebook in public that needs to be private. I dont like private messaging him, he gets enough of that from other women.

It isn't about having balls. Perhaps he just hasn't asked me out because he doesn't think of me that way hmm

He's two years out of a very long term relationship like I am. Perhaps he is stil re-adjusting, like me. Oh I don't know, I give up, perhaps I should forget about taking this any further and just carry on talking online as we always have done than risk rejection. I'd be devastated to lose him altogether by declaring anything sad I'm so confused.

ImperialBlether Thu 11-Aug-11 19:54:11

Maybe he is actually having a relationship with someone else who's on Facebook?

Arrgh OP, you have to do something about this. Ask your sister to arrange something, some drinks or similar, no children around, just adults. Lots of adults, but the only women are you and her! Don't want any of those married ones thinking this is a set up for them! If he doesn't make a move at the end of the night, eg share a taxi, he's not interested.

ImperialBlether Thu 11-Aug-11 19:55:45

But he's only complaining about the private messaging because he doesn't want to talk to them in private, isn't he?

Surely PMing is for those situations when you don't want others reading what you're writing or joining in?

waitingfornaru Thu 11-Aug-11 19:59:19

Yes, all our friends can see what we write to eachother, unless we have blocked them specifically.

Facebook also shows who you have had recent conversations with. I could however block someone from seeing who I have been talking to if I wanted. Everyone else would never know I have talked to them, unless that person posted on my page the next day, 'Nice talking to you last night!' or similar.

PeppermintPasty Thu 11-Aug-11 20:04:37

<<late arrival on thread>>> I heart you ImperialBlether for not being on FB and sounding slightly confused...And I had my first Laugh Out Loud for days at JanMorrow "slip him the tongue". Brilliant!

Sorry. As you were. smilewinewinewine(nearly Friday)

waitingfornaru Thu 11-Aug-11 20:06:03

That's correct Imperial, he doesn't like private messaging anyone. Neither do I. I have nothing to hide.

Sharing a taxi from my sister's is off though, she lives in the same village, but it's a good ten minute walk between our homes through a quite dark ginnel with a gap in the houses and a canopy of stars above, it would only be gentlemanly to offer to walk me home, wouldn't it grin

ImperialBlether Thu 11-Aug-11 20:06:28

I used to use chatrooms, but for private conversations you had your own room.

I like my privacy too much to use Facebook. I hate the thought of someone seeing my random thoughts. I know MN isn't private, but only one person knows who I am on here.

ImperialBlether Thu 11-Aug-11 20:07:08

It would! Now you are getting the picture, OP!

Waitingfornaru: I think your first priority should be making yourself some friends. Even if this man does turn out to be nice, and interested in dating you, and you have a good time with him, it is deeply, deeply unhealthy to think that the only type of human interaction you need is with A Partner.

honeyandsalt Thu 11-Aug-11 20:34:33

I agree that he is only complaining about the married ladies PMing him because he feels uncomfortable with them, there's no indication he'd feel uncomfortable speaking with you on chat and to be honest I think it would be more appropriate to have a chat with him at this stage. Having a private conversation isn't inappropriate or flirtatious in itself. Otherwise I've cheated on my lovely DH many times with men and women blush (I jest)

OP, just say you enjoyed chatting to him in person, or how good a time you had at the wedding, see how he takes it. Or if you must, get your sister to organise a night out on some pretence and invite you both plus some others... not sure about the cinema idea though unless it involves dinner/drinks also for a chance to chat.

The walk home sounds like an excellent plan though. grin

It's up to you what you do about this chap,wfn, but I'm with SGB here - shouldn't you be thinking about expanding your group of real life friends, both male and female?

aleene Thu 11-Aug-11 21:08:19

if you like him, act on it.

here is a cautionary tale. I liked someone for ages and perhaps he liked me too. I didn't feel sure so sent him lots of mixed messages, thinking he would get the hint. He is now seeing someone else sad Perhaps he never thought of me that way, I'll never know. but now I wish I had just asked him out and not muddied the waters by playing it cautious.

If he says no, it will not be that bad. And he will be flattered. But I bet he will say yes.

coffeeinbed Thu 11-Aug-11 21:44:37

You keep saying "I/we have nothing to hide". You seem determined to live your private life out in everybody's FB walls?
You need the private chat and shared private jokes otherwise what's the point in all this.
You try and get your sister and her partner involved when you can simply ask if he fancies a coffee or a drink.
You don't want to do it because of the "other women" that harrass him.
You seem a very very young 40.

just get on with it.

MrGin Thu 11-Aug-11 22:08:12

Him walking you home sounds like a good one. He sounds like a gentleman.

You could also engineer some assistance


'you don't know how to check tyre pressure on a car do you I think the stearings a bit funny on my car'

'have you got a philips screw driver by any chance there's something wrong with my toaster and I might eletricute myself if you don't have a look I'd like to take it apart.

' you don't know anything about lawn movers do you, the blade seems really loose and I night chop my feet off and I was thinking of having a look'

I'm sure you can deal with all these things but you get the idea. Be inventive, engineer another RL meet up without the beer ( until he's fixed your lawn mower, and test the water.

If he gives you another smacker on the lips, squeeze his arm a bit, look in his eyes just a fraction too long, give him a beautiful smile and wait for the next encounter...

The slow burn.

But do keep in mind, it may not be a romance when he turns up, but you'd know one way or 't other by the time he leaves

Gosh, he does seem to a have a few more "friends" on there than you. You are getting yourself it a tizzy! Not sure if your ready to get a no, if that's the case. Why not wait and see if another moment presents itself.


Why not do what a friend of mine did. Invent another suiter (men don't like competition). Might just kick him up the arse gently guide him into a bit of action!

showing off a bit there, just learned the strike through thingy!

oh and suitor!

BertieBotts Thu 11-Aug-11 22:28:25

Oh FGS don't get into game playing with inventing imaginary men.

I'd either keep things as they are for now but keep your eyes open for any hints, or drop a massive one yourself.

In the meantime see if you can get out and meet some people - it's great that your partners have been good friends to you in the past, but I think it's slightly unhealthy to be relying on him this much, putting all your eggs in one basket, it sounds like you'd be absolutely crushed to lose him. And that's fair enough, if he's a good friend and you like him, but one person should not be everything in your world. Do you literally not have any other friends? Is there not anything you could get involved in to meet some new people? Developing other friendships isn't going to impact on this one.

Oh for god sake! some people on here are far to bloody anal! It was meant as a laugh!

BertieBotts Thu 11-Aug-11 22:45:04

confused Really? I just think it's rubbish advice. Any decent guy will back off if he thinks there's someone else she's interested in anyway.


if you read my answer proberly botts I said the appropriate answer beforehand. Does this thing always have to be about correct advice? Don't bother to reply as it's unfair on op!

AnyFucker Thu 11-Aug-11 22:53:01

a ginnel you say ?

that could work in your favour smile

Knax Thu 11-Aug-11 22:56:21

Go for it! and keep us posted of course! I think he's interested but just cautious like you as been in long term r/ship etc

whats a "ginnel"?

Can't you just get your sister to ask him, casually, if he fancies you?

just like at school

AnyFucker Thu 11-Aug-11 23:05:26

a passageway between buildings

fabulous for the ole "knee trembler" experience wink


AnyFucker Thu 11-Aug-11 23:06:45

did it have anything to do with my "anal" comment by any chance?

AnyFucker Thu 11-Aug-11 23:15:26

steady on, MAM hmm

where I come from, "taking somebody up the ginnel" means you are virtually married wink

coffeeinbed, you speak a lot of sense. I too wonder why they're playing all this out in public. Apart from anything else, having a Facebook chat right on your page is a bit of a hassle. The message system is much easier to use. I'd have thunk that would be the way to go.

And, in the meantime, op should try to broaden her circle of friends, both male and female. To be honest, it's a bit sad that the highlight of her life is her online chat with this man every night.

AF is 'up the ginnel' a bit like 'roon the back close'?

AnyFucker Thu 11-Aug-11 23:20:23


AnyFucker Thu 11-Aug-11 23:20:54

< goes misty-eyed at the memories...>

AnyFucker Thu 11-Aug-11 23:22:24

oi, wait a minute

back is not a feature here

Ah, I remember the days, bloody freezing, nipples sticking out like cones, and a sticky hanky......oh the romance of it all....

No no...of course not. <<shuffles off mumbling>>

honeyandsalt Thu 11-Aug-11 23:25:05

<amused snort>

BertieBotts Thu 11-Aug-11 23:25:12

Erm, okay, sorry, just sounded like serious advice to me.

AnyFucker Thu 11-Aug-11 23:26:46

ah, yes, that's more like it

< has a lovely little daydream >

the quadriceps muscle cramps, the friction burns on the lower back, limping home with one shoe...

happy days

AnyFucker Thu 11-Aug-11 23:28:12

"goin' roon the back" was a treat for Friday nights only wink

AnyFucker Thu 11-Aug-11 23:29:27

and the ultimate experience...the exchange of the signet ring

< swoon >

AnyFucker Thu 11-Aug-11 23:30:01

OP...are you taking notes here ?

This is helpful shit stuff for you !

Ah, the memories are flooding back -Saturday afternoon up Kelvingrove Park, then a walk down Sauchiehall Street getting together enough cash for a couple of half pints.

As for the signet ring - lost it years ago.... sad

Am coming over all emotional now. confused

AnyFucker Thu 11-Aug-11 23:40:43

like the corners of my miiiiiind...

misty water coloured memreeeeeees

of the way were werrrrrrrrrrrrrre...

AnyFucker Thu 11-Aug-11 23:41:38

my eyes are rcossing now

that typing looks funny < wipes a tear >

AnyFucker Thu 11-Aug-11 23:41:49


Whatmeworry Fri 12-Aug-11 00:01:56

What nationality is he - some peck the lips briefly rather than kiss the cheek.

PeppermintPasty Fri 12-Aug-11 07:01:59

a sticky hanky...?? I've missed out on a bit of living.

FellatioNelson Fri 12-Aug-11 07:20:17

I think the kiss on the lips was a very deliberate message, but as he is not someone you see all the time, you are going to have to make the next move. He'll be eagerly analysing all your messages and signals now to see if there is a subtle change in the way you are communicating with him.

I was going to suggest exactly what MrGin said - find a pretext to see him that is you asking for some manly help, rather than blatantly asking to see him socially. It's much more subtle, and you both seem to need to do this slowly!

If he is forthcoming with sais manly help then you could offer to make him a nice lunch or dinner as a thank you.

FellatioNelson Fri 12-Aug-11 07:20:35

said not sais

You have indeed PP - I'm a classy burd me, as you can obviously tell.

I'm very excited to hear if there was anything exciting happened on last night's FB chat.

Smum99 Fri 12-Aug-11 17:39:40

I really hope it turns out as you like but alarm bells ringing even so slightly..have you asked if he is seeing someone? If you disappeared off FB for a few days (genuinely busy/tied up with other things) would he be in contact? Do you text? Would you feel comfortable asking him for a favour? If you are true friends then he should have no objection to you asking if he was free to go to the cinema, his response would be very telling.

waitingfornaru Fri 12-Aug-11 22:20:00

Smum99 No I haven't asked him that, I think I'm pretty afraid of rejection so I feel a leading question like that makes him know for sure I am interested. I kind of do / do not want him to know I'm interested.

He works away sometimes, few days at a time, staying in hotels. Sometimes he travels to see his Ex, he helped her move house recently when she relocated a long way away.
During those times, he doesn't really contact me at all on facebook and we don't text. He could ask my sisters for my number if he really wanted.

He's been absent from facebook several days now. I'm really missing talking to him at night. I don't exclusively sit up every night for him, I'm usually doing other stuff and keep facebook open, but if he's online, lately I feel myself more and more distracted by him.

Your saying that has just made me put things into perspective though. All we actually do is talk on facebook. It's nothing. It's all so flippant. So I got a tiny peck on the lips when we said goodbye. That's nothing in the big scheme of things, is it? sad

I'm just tired of being a lone mother, tired of referee-ing 24/7, I don't have a break, I don't feel like a woman, a human even, I feel like a robot. He lifts me up. It's not just him, watching films or my hobbies also make me happy, but he does something deeper that I can't define. Someome else will come along and grab him soon, women who are prepared to rush in guns blazing when I am not.

I'm too scared to do anything, my fear of rejection because of my previous relationship. I'm just fantasising. That's why it's getting me nowhere fast.

On paper, it could all appear so genuine and full of potential, little nuances of flirty hope here and there, in real life and on facebook. In reality, we just dont see enough of eachother flesh and blood or communicate enough for this to be anything other than fantasy on my part. I am being a big eejit. Yet I suspect he would be gracious enough to let me down gently, in fact I know he would.

I write this now and decide at the end whether to post it, I probably might, it's just thoughts reeling off the top of my head. So if it's all fantasy, why call me 'gorgeous' sometimes? He knows I consider myself unappealing phsycially, so he writes that to make me feel better about myself probably. Why hasn't anybody just said, "Two years! If he hasn't asked you out in two years he just ins't interested you in that way, it's obvious!"

I'm so unholy confused! Best thing for me is to stay off facebook really. If he misses me, he could get in touch. When I have been offline before he does ask my sisters (on facebook convos) what's happened to me.

This is such a go one way or t'other situation, there's no middle ground, I can't be sitting here on the fence much longer. Since that daft tiny goodbye kiss, everything has changed.

ImperialBlether Sat 13-Aug-11 00:30:15

OK why don't you send him a private message saying:

"Hi, I think I'm spending too much time on Facebook lately and need to be doing some real life stuff. I've really enjoyed talking to you. My number's 999 - it would be really nice to chat again in person some time so if you fancy a drink or a walk in the park, let me know. x"

jasper Sat 13-Aug-11 00:57:13

imperalblether have you considered a job negotiating for the united nations? Great plan!

waitingfornaru Sat 13-Aug-11 01:09:22

The problem with that Imperialblether, is that he may never get around to phoning/texting me and I'd never hear from him again!

I think he is back this weekend. Something must occur, it's a full moon out there.

jasper Sat 13-Aug-11 01:15:25

well if he never gets round to phoning/texting you have your answer

AnyFucker Sat 13-Aug-11 01:31:39

blimey, OP

you are a glass half empty kinda person aintcha ?

IB's plan was nigh-on perfect

just bloody get on with it, fgs

waitingfornaru Sat 13-Aug-11 01:51:46

Haha AF, I never got that glass concept! I stumble upon a glass with liquid in, my perception of measurement is not indicative of my current optimism at that moment, but rather why it's abandoned there, half drunk.

This isn't about being cautious. I don't think I'm ready to move on yet hmm

I'll find out this weekend, I feel something in the air.

ImperialBlether Sat 13-Aug-11 09:41:27

That's your answer, OP, if he didn't bother contacting you! Then it really would be time to get out into the real world.

Is there a reason why your sister can't help you out here by having a dinner or a party or something? I've asked you this before but you don't seem to answer!

waitingfornaru Sat 13-Aug-11 14:08:59

ImperialBlether Sorry, yes of course she could! She would be most happy, any excuse for a party, just have to think of an excuse for one and try to sort out my childcare. That's a better idea than the pictures.

I am feeling more and more pessimistic as this thread goes on though, it's cathartic, I think it is helping me to realise this is all just fantasy. I feel pretty silly.

Dangnamn him for planting a tiny little kiss on me, he must have some strewth pheromones for it to have this reaction in me grin Either that or the ol' Scorpio has dug itself out of the ice glacier she's been under these last two years!

waitingfornaru Mon 15-Aug-11 02:57:54

Ladies! A new instalment!

Albeit online, I have asked if he would like to come with me to the pictures and yes I did add that my sister and her partner would be coming too, I know, I know blush and he has said yes grin alongside a little more mild flirty stuff. Ahhhhhh all the while playing onine Scrabble too I am multitasking tonight grin

I will report back later this week promise.

FellatioNelson Mon 15-Aug-11 07:20:42

hah! Is that why you are up so late? Could you not sleep for the excitement? grin Good for you - I think it sounds very positive.

FellatioNelson Mon 15-Aug-11 07:22:44

Oh, but don't forget to make sure you spend some time on your own with him after the cinema, otherwise he will be none the wiser as to whether it was a 'date' or not. And you can't chat in the pictures.

ImperialBlether Mon 15-Aug-11 09:28:54

That's good news, but Fellatio, let's leave something for him to do, eh?

Mumofjz Mon 15-Aug-11 13:02:41

how about mentioning that you would love to see a certain film, talk about it with him, make it one that he would probably like to see but also mention (after a while) that you can't see it on your own and maybe, just maybe he may ask you to go see the film!!!!

I think the trouble here is that you don't have any physical connection, you did at the party and things moved along, i think this would be a good way to go - pictures, a walk in the park on a forth coming weekend with the kids ( does he know them?)

foodjunkie Mon 15-Aug-11 14:18:52

Going right back to your very first question & thread title...

I am happily married but my best male friend pecks me on the lips when we are in a hug & making eye contact. It's natural, not awkward.

It's soft, nice, not sexual, it's a sign of affection from him.

Definitely mention an event you'd like to go to (possibly that nobody is available to go with you & that you have a spare ticket?) or something along those lines just to plant the seed of thought.

The peck on the lips confirms he likes me as a person. I appreciate this.

Yes please, keep us posted.

waitingfornaru Mon 15-Aug-11 15:18:24

Mumofjz That's the loose plan, yes. There is another film I'd like to see that I believe he would too, in which case, although the only real chatting on this occasion can be done in the car journey to and from, I can ask then if he'd like to see this other film.

Do people have a quick drink before the pictures? ~ opportunity for some talk I suppose?...

I am arranging a film night with my sister and partner in tow too, only because I am still unbelieving that this man would be interested in me romantically. If there is opportunity for talk, perhaps a kiss goodbye, I suppose how that pans out dictates for certain whether there is any interest. It's an important evening for me.

Now I have to worry about what to wear Arggghhhh!

He's already seen me in casual gear, dressed up formally for a function, I am generally pretty conservative dresser by nature, but I need to gently hint of an actual female form behind the nerd, without showing too much skin. Given my stats, this may be awkward. New thread required I think ....hmm

waitingfornaru Wed 17-Aug-11 12:50:23

Need some help!

The cinema idea is off now as my sister and her partner can't go they have babysitting probs, so now it's left to me to either forget the idea or somehow work into a facebook convo would he be ok going with just me instead.

Problem is, he might then think that was my plan all along and I don't want him to think he's being 'played'. My sister said 'it's obvious to anyone he fancies the pants off you', but it's not obvious to me and again that thing about if that's true, why has he not made a move in two years?

I still think he is getting over his last relationship (very, very ... very long term) which is why I have also been so slow to push things.

SO .... can anyone giveme some help on how to word the change of plan, ie that it would just be us two, without it looking like I have been trying to be underhand about getting us together alone confused

This is all such a faff.

Pakdooik Wed 17-Aug-11 13:10:24

How about "I arranged the film night with my sister and partner in tow but they have now lost their baby-sitter (honest!). Are you happy going just the two of us?"

FellatioNelson Wed 17-Aug-11 13:44:08

Just be honest! Say 'Oh Gawd, you are probably thinking this was some plan I hatched! How embarrassiing! Anyway, it's totally up to you, we can either go anyway, or just leave it for another time when we can all go out as a group.'

My hunch is that he will choose to go. Only one way to find out!

I think you are overthinking this. Just be honest, I think there has been enough dancing around each other for the last couple of years. Tell him your sister's babysitter has let them down but you are still happy to go if he wants to.
Good luck and have fun wink

flimflammery Wed 17-Aug-11 14:14:16

Or as he knows your sister too (yes?) ask her to post on his FB that she and her DH can't go because of lack of babysitter, but don't want to spoil your evening, hope you and waitingfornaru can go without us and we'll all go together another time.

HedleyLamarr Wed 17-Aug-11 14:31:48

What all the others are saying. Just tell him the truth about your sister's babysitter. He'll probably be relieved that it's just you two going tbh. Less pressure wink

FellatioNelson Wed 17-Aug-11 14:44:18

Yesd and then he can snog your face off. he couldn't do that if they were there.

I realise I may be getting a tad ahead of myself here. grin

Knax Wed 17-Aug-11 22:26:14

I agree, just be honest

waitingfornaru Thu 18-Aug-11 01:18:34

Excellent flimflammery grin
I just suggested that to my sister.

FellatioNelson : 'Say 'Oh Gawd, you are probably thinking this was some plan I hatched! How embarrassiing! '
Not a chance of me saying that!!! shockgrin

waitingfornaru Sun 21-Aug-11 15:40:59

Well I have finally managed to arrange childcare and evening at the cinema for this Tuesday with myself, Gorgeous One and my nephew. Nephew is being dropped off home first then driving back to mine where Mum is looking after the children, so a small opportunity for chat outside of Facebook.

Recntly learnt however that he also has kissed my other sister goodbye in this fashion, so it seems it really must all be fantasy on my part.

I am feeling more philosophical lately though hmm and havebegun to trust in Fate. I always did feel he couldn't possibly be interested in me in such a way, so I guess I am resigned to just enjoying the free endorphins while they last.

I will post back on Tuesday night, but I do wish either me or the Shy Man thread have something happy to report back. It's no comparison having cuddly little ones to hug all day, when that longed for and half-remembered full body hug of the rock solid wall of a man is so unfamiliar to me now. Please dear Fates allow me a small reprise even if just for one evening. Do I not deserve it after all those years of fending off a pickaxe from the glacier?

ImperialBlether Sun 21-Aug-11 15:53:42

Hang on, your nephew is going to the cinema with you?

ImperialBlether Sun 21-Aug-11 15:54:03

What are you going to see?

How old is your nephew?

I thought your sister was going with you?

Nagoo Sun 21-Aug-11 16:11:50

Lose the nephew!!!

OP you need to spend a night, you and him, 'not a date' just talking and see if he wants to snog you at the end.

You don't need the safety blanket!

Lose the nephew!!!! that is an order!

People get together by taking a chance and making their feelings known. You flirt a bit, you test the water. If nothing is going to happen then you go home to your separate beds and carry on with your life. You don't need to jump him, ut you do need to let things carry on a natural path. They won't be able to if you keep putting blocks nephews in the way.

If I were him I'd think you were bringing the nephew because you wanted to make sure that nothing could happen between you. It is a clear message to him that you want to be friends and not more.

HedleyLamarr Sun 21-Aug-11 18:25:41

What Nagoo says. Don't take the nephew.

waitingfornaru Sun 21-Aug-11 19:53:10

Alternatively, he could be aghast at the thought of just him and I on what could be construed as a 'date', so instead the (teenage) nephew being there gives some distance and formality?

He's been to the pictures before with one of my sisters and the nephew, although they are just friends, so this could be considered the same, harmless situ by him, rather than me wanting to absolutely get him alone again! grin

Even if he's not interested in me (which is unlikely) I certainly don't feel he's ready to start dating again, having only just packed off his ex of donkey's years 200 miles away, the last thing he would be thinking about is dating again so soon.

So now I have to re-think the Nephew before Tuesday... confused

Nagoo you are right, it is a safety blanket to keep me being hurt (rejected). If I fluff up on this it will be too awkward to ever talk to him again on Facebook surely and for just under two years I never fancied him at all, I just thought he was similar to me, fascinating and friendly. Once you cross the line into fancying someone, it all goes pear-shaped, doesn't it?

Nagoo Sun 21-Aug-11 20:06:22

or once you cross the line into fancying somebody it gets all exciting and tingly and apprehensive in the best possible way smile

Just go out, 'as friends' and see what happens.

No nephew smile He went out with your sister and nephew presumably because your sister is attached?

coffeeinbed Sun 21-Aug-11 20:09:15

Blimey OP, for a woman in want of a shag you can overthink for England...
Lose the nephew, take this off the family entertaining gazette that is FB and get on with it.
He either fancies you or he doesn't.
One way to find out.

FellatioNelson Mon 22-Aug-11 06:58:59

Teenage nephew. So two divorced, experienced, lonely, footloose and fancy- free, mature adults who have developed a fairly long standing bond, finally have a reason to spend some time together properly and see where it takes them, and they go out for the evening chaperoned by a teenaged boy.

FFS. Right, where is the nearest brick wall? I need to go and bang my head against it awhile.

Is this an old thread that has been dragged up by any chance? Like from 1890?

Mitmoo Mon 22-Aug-11 07:16:57

OP ditch the nephew, go to the pictures, I'm off with "fellatio" to share their wall.

HappyHubbie Mon 22-Aug-11 15:53:26

I blame Downton Abbey for all this chaperone nonsense ...

If you've been chatting for two years AND he's kissed you then you can be absolutely 100% sure that he likes you and fancies you and wants it to go further. Relax and enjoy it.

Lose the Nephew...

waitingfornaru Mon 22-Aug-11 22:44:38

fellationNelson neither of us have ever been married. I have very young children, he has adult stepchildren.

But yeah, we're both a bit old-fashioned in some regards so the circa. 1890-stylee anticipation has been going on a while now!

HappyHubbie it was only a peck on the lips, no big deal. In my head, I'd like it to be a big deal. Two years of talking to someone virtually every night online, yet we live barely 2.5 miles from eachother. I figure he hasn't formally asked me out because he doesn't actually like me in that way confused

AnyFucker Mon 22-Aug-11 22:51:40

This thread wins "most frustrating of the week"

OP, have a Blue Peter Badge < sigh >

waitingfornaru Mon 22-Aug-11 23:00:41

AF <sigh> I'm two years out of a violent relationship that I left 4 weeks after my youngest was born. I'm Taking My Time.

I'm a regular under a newly registered ID, I normally appreciate your frankness, but this isn't something to be sighing about hmm

waitingfornaru Mon 22-Aug-11 23:02:30

Well tomorrow will tell at any rate smile I hope such a thing as old fashioned romance still exists in this day and age actually.

AnyFucker Mon 22-Aug-11 23:04:21

I want you to find that romance, OP, but you seem determined to sabotage it at every opportunity sad

HappyHubbie Mon 22-Aug-11 23:29:50

Naru ... I'm speaking from a male perspective here, there's no such thing as an innocent peck on the lips to a friend (in my opinion anyway). My best friend in the whole world is female; I love her, but I would never ever kiss her on the lips (even a peck) because it would cross the line between friendship and lover, and she is just a great friend - I'm not attracted to her (and even if I was I'm happily married). Your situation is different however.

The peck on the lips is the clearest possible indication that he wants the relationship to go further, but is afraid of ruining the friendship which he clearly values as much as you. You say it's no big deal, but to him it was. It probably took him weeks and months of wanting to kiss you but being scared. In other words - he feels exactly the same as you do.

The ball is in your court, you can respond or you can send him the message to back off - such as ensuring you're never alone together. At the moment you're sending him the message to 'back off', and he's possibly embarrassed and worried that he's fucked up a lovely friendship.

He hasn't formally asked you out because at the moment you're sending him negative messages, he thinks he's blown it by kissing you. Men are very bad at knowing when someone fancies us, you don't have to throw your knickers at him, but you do need to let him know how you feel. And soon.

Once upon a time, I was that guy. My (now) wife and I were friends for months. We talked, we laughed, we went to the cinema as friends. I fancied her but didn't want to mess up the friendship (I was coming through a bad divorce) and I had no idea she fancied me until she grabbed me and kissed me one afternoon. It was the biggest shock of my life! Next year we will have been together for 20 wonderful years. Do it, put the poor guy out of his misery - you have everything to gain.

Love means occasionally taking risks, this is one of those times.

ithastobedone Mon 22-Aug-11 23:39:15

naru, this is the very same encouragement that persuaded me to 'bite the bullet' and just say it!

What have you got to lose? You're in almost exactly the same situation I am in. I did it and I'm the worst kind of dithering procrastinator.

I'm gonna say it now....please do it! Good luck.

PercyPigPie Mon 22-Aug-11 23:50:02

Lovely story HappyHubbie smile. Go on OP - you can do it ...

waitingfornaru Tue 23-Aug-11 01:57:10

Wow HappyHubbie, that's inspiring smile

Trouble is, he has been to the pictures with my sister before (and the nephew) as platonic friends and she told me a few days ago he did actually kiss her on the lips goodbye too (peck). So, looks like it does happen amongst platonic friends, just not very often. Although they have a very brief shared history I suppose you could call it, in that he's convinced they snogged once in their 20s in a club but she adamantly denies it.

I know for a fact she isn't interested in him as she's attached now and at the time they went to the pictures, she was vocally referring to him as her 'BFF' and that she never fancied him at all.

Well anyway, I just Fb messaged him earlier stating that if my nephew pulls out it will just be he and I and he's not made any indication along the lines of, 'Oops sorry just remembered I may not make it after all, pressing work issues' sort of thing so it hasn't fazed him it seems.

ithastobedone Thankyou for your well wishes and I know, I have been following the shy man thread eagerly hoping for inspiration grin

OK, one last idea before I truly decide on the Nephew~or~No ;

if Nephew does come with us, in that scenario conversation will be more open to discussing films and means I could suggest going to see another in a couple of weeks (er, cinema ain't cheap nowadays is it shock £8 a ticket!) to which he might hopefully reply he wouldn't mind seeing that to, then I can say let me know when you're not busy and perhaps we'll go. Except definately we will be on our own that time? What do you think?

waitingfornaru Tue 23-Aug-11 01:58:46

Ooo, just had a message back right now, he has listed the film show times. Keen! grin

FellatioNelson Tue 23-Aug-11 06:36:22

How old is the nephew? I find it a bit odd that a teenaged boy would even want to go out with an auntie and a middle aged male family friend to be honest! I'm sure he wouldn't be remotely bothered if you told him it was off, and went alone. In fact I think you should find a way of losing the chaperone. I'll bet you every penny I have that this man will be relieved you have done so.

waitingfornaru Tue 23-Aug-11 14:04:39

fellationNelson no not that odd, he lives with his grandmother and we have a large extended family, the nephews are often out with the aunts and uncles for the pictures, park, pub!

Man in question is a family friend, he's met the nephew plenty of times.

4 hours to go, I'm still deciding on the nephew. Arrgghhh!

FellatioNelson Tue 23-Aug-11 14:10:51

Right. Are you all not English? Originally? This sounds like a decidedly not-English set-up!

FellatioNelson Tue 23-Aug-11 14:11:34

Sorry, I should have said British. A decidedly not-British set-up then.

I really really wouldn't take your nephew. You need to give the situation some space to develop and it won't be able to with a spectator.

I agree with HappyHubby that you are giving him some negative / uncertain messages here. I think the nephew would be a negative message.

waitingfornaru Tue 23-Aug-11 14:43:38

What 'set up', fellationNelson? confused

I live in the same village as my sister, our siblings and parent live within 5 miles of us, there are many nephews and neices between us. We sometimes socialise together. Why is that 'not British?'

This man already knows I fancy him. He knows from our online conversations from the hints, our family and friends teasing us about 'getting a room', I also sent him a Valentine this year which he received graciously and er...(sorry, but I did say we were a bit nerdy) we've exchanged some binary code blush which converts to text sying 'I fancy you something rotten'.

At the family wedding function a few weeks ago too, he was with me the whole night, his body language was very open and expressive, knees touching, etc. And then of course 'the kiss'. Peck on the lips goodbye.

My instinct is that he likes me, but may not fancy me at all nor be ready for a relationship or even dating yet. Although I must admit I highly doubt I would kiss someone goodbye on the lips if I thought they were ghastly looking and didn't like them much confused

Do people really think it would not be better to just go this once with the nephew/chaperone and on our own next time???

Though I've just realised there's a bar in the cinema (never knew they were licenced, been years since I've been to a cinema), so is it inappropriate to go for a quick drink before/after the film, bearing in mind he's driving? Does anyone else have a quick drink before a film?? Like if they're on a date?

waitingfornaru Tue 23-Aug-11 14:44:52

For anyone who's watching Corrie, I do believe I am in as much of a tizz as Julie over this man Haha! grin Goddamn hormones!

catsrus Tue 23-Aug-11 14:53:07


you do not need or want him there.

you go girl!

Pakdooik Tue 23-Aug-11 15:23:16

You are a grown up woman wanting to go on a date with a grown up man. The date may end up with more than a peck on the lips but not if the effin nephew is there.

DottyDot Tue 23-Aug-11 15:33:56

FGS ditch the nephew - you've made me stop lurking just to post this! grin

ReadyToDrink Tue 23-Aug-11 16:00:18

Another lurker - DITCH THE NEPHEW. <<tears out hair>>

(Good luck wink)

AnyFucker Tue 23-Aug-11 16:37:39

Please ditch the nephew

You don't need chaperoning by a teenager

Can I <sigh> again, or will you get upset ?

FellatioNelson Tue 23-Aug-11 16:48:36

By 'not very English set-up' I meant that the references to an extended family all spending time together inter-generationally etc etc, smacked of a large Asian or Italian sort of family, all very intertwined and interdependent, rather than the typical, quite insular nuclear set-up which is the typical British family. I started to wonder whether there was a cultural/religious reason for the pair of you being quite reticent and coy, that's all!

Now, you have a started drip-feeding all the flirty stuff (WTF did you not volunteer this before? Hmmm?) I am even more sure you need to ditch the nephew. I just don't understand why YOU don't realise that, given what you've just said in your last post. GRRRRR!

schmarn Tue 23-Aug-11 16:52:08

Men don't send emails and messages to a woman every day unless they fancy them. We're just not wired to spend that amount of time on a platonic friend. He fancies you. Fact.

The reason he hasn't made a move is that from his perspective he has dropped loads of hints to you but hasn't received a clear signal that you fancy him. Men are very straightforward that way. He upped the ante by kissing you on the lips and you walked off at the end of the night rather than reciprocating or saying something encouraging like "I was wondering how long it was going to take you to do that". What was he supposed to think?

Just go out with the guy. You don't need a bloody chaperone as you have known him for years and you speak to him every day. You both sound like two lovely people who are so humble you can't see that the other one fancies you. I wish you all the best just please for the love of god, don't let this slip away by not at least seeing if there might be something there.

FellatioNelson Tue 23-Aug-11 16:54:22

And FOR CRYING OUT LOUD no, it is not 'inappropriate' to go for a drink at the cinema bar first!

<shakes head in bemusement and worries about OP>

FellatioNelson Tue 23-Aug-11 16:54:54

Sorry, fogot to add a big grin I'm not cross with you, just frustrated.

waitingfornaru Tue 23-Aug-11 17:37:11

Ok. Arrgghhhh! shock

It's T minus 2 hours to go. The Nephew is going to pull out on feeing poorly terms.

It is just him and I.


I can't even think about this man anymore without going into palpitations, what the hell is mother nature playing at?

The rain's clearing, the sun's peeping through. I am absolutely terrified.

Would it be noticeable to have a quick Baileys before he turns up, do you think? blush I really need to steady my nerves. Can someone please send some cosmic wishes my well that Fate will intervene this evening for the best, I really need some support!!

Sometimes I'm so scared I think I'd have been better off keeping this all as a safe fantasy in my head.

I promise this is my last post now before he turns up and I will report back after midnight or tomorrow smile

AnyFucker Tue 23-Aug-11 17:39:56

have a double whisky, never mind a Baileys

DancesWithWolefCubs Tue 23-Aug-11 17:43:11

Good Luck, have fun, and thank fuck you've ditched the nephew grin

And you had better be back with a bloody good update, ok <threatens>

<SarahStratton delurks>

<<sends cosmic wishes for a fab evening>>
<<slips a slug of gin in waitingfornaru's tea>>

AnyFucker Tue 23-Aug-11 17:44:19

< waves at stratters >

DancesWithWolefCubs Tue 23-Aug-11 17:45:28

<frantic waving back at AF>

I'm home AF, I am back home grin

<apologises for brief hijack>

OTheHugeRaveningWolef Tue 23-Aug-11 17:46:39

<delurks> Sending good vibes! grin

FellatioNelson Tue 23-Aug-11 17:46:39

Oh thank the lord for that.

ImperialBlether Tue 23-Aug-11 17:49:01

If this OP doesn't tell us later what happened, I will hunt her down and kill her!

FellatioNelson Tue 23-Aug-11 17:50:19

I'll hand you the gun.

AnyFucker Tue 23-Aug-11 17:52:34

goodo, stratters grin

coffeeinbed Tue 23-Aug-11 17:55:33


Sorry, this threads is just so frustrating, it makes me want to cry.

AnyFucker Tue 23-Aug-11 17:57:11

now, now, CIB, patience is a virtue

coffeeinbed Tue 23-Aug-11 17:58:11

Oh!!missed the Baileys bit.
Get a proper drink woman!

FellatioNelson Tue 23-Aug-11 17:58:53

where have you been Sarah? confused Sorry - a bit behind with the times due to dratted RL getting int way.

FellatioNelson Tue 23-Aug-11 17:59:18

Don't cry coffee. It's not that bad.

Nagoo Tue 23-Aug-11 18:01:00

<adjusts spreadsheet>

MavisGrind Tue 23-Aug-11 18:04:28

I have had to delurk from this thread just to say FFS.

<awards Fellatio some sort of award for services to sense>

I await the update. <takes a seat>

coffeeinbed Tue 23-Aug-11 18:04:50

NO, it's like Jane Austin on steroids.

One of us would have had to of turned up at the cinema to seduce the nephew had you not got rid of him first. oh my god, OP, it is so obvious this man likes you. People dont exchange binary code with just anyone, you know grin wink


coffeeinbed Tue 23-Aug-11 18:06:24

I do wonder what they went to see...

AnyFucker Tue 23-Aug-11 18:07:40

CIB, ask yourself this...

"what would Elizabeth Bennett say?"

MrsSchadenfreude Tue 23-Aug-11 18:08:29

Really, Schmarn? confused

I have a male friend and we email constantly and speak most days too. And have for the past 10 years. He's not gay.


FellatioNelson Tue 23-Aug-11 18:09:15

Arf at geraldine I'm a bit worried about the binary code thing. that's not normal is it? confused No wonder they are having trouble getting it on.

FellatioNelson Tue 23-Aug-11 18:12:31

Do you suppose she is wearing a tightly strung bodice? Might she faint into his arms? Or get a fit of the vapours? Or storm off alone into the rain and be forced to take to her bed with a deadly fever brought about by getting her pantaloons soaked through? De de Deeeeeeehhh....what a cliffhanger.

AnyFucker Tue 23-Aug-11 18:13:02

oh dear, OP is going to be most displeased with us upon her return

FellatioNelson Tue 23-Aug-11 18:14:07

Who, us? <looks wide-eyed> Why, we have been nothing but supportive.

FellatioNelson Tue 23-Aug-11 18:15:02

In my head I keep speaking like Imelda Staunton now. And adjusting my pinny and bonnet. hmm

GertieWooster Tue 23-Aug-11 18:20:47

<delurks having read this> "when that longed for and half-remembered full body hug of the rock solid wall of a man is so unfamiliar to me now"

<fans herself>

Good luck OP.

Could this be a hitherto unpublished Jane Austen work entitled "Dithering and Dilly-dallying".

coffeeinbed Tue 23-Aug-11 18:26:34

I'm dying to see the binary code.
Now I'm off to get a drink, I believe the fates send it my way.
And AF, I'm convinced even Elizabeth Bennet would have shagged him by now.
She would recognise a good cosmic vibration.

ReadyToDrink Tue 23-Aug-11 18:36:28

01010111 01100101 01101100 01101100 00100000 01100100 01101111 01101110 01100101 00100000 01101111 01101110 00100000 01100100 01101001 01110100 01100011 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101110 01100101 01110000 01101000 01100101 01110111 00101110 00100000 01001001 00100000 01101000 01101111 01110000 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 01101111 00100000 01100010 01110101 01110011 01111001 00100000 01110011 01101110 01101111 01100111 01100111 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01101100 01101001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01110100 01100101 01100101 01101110 01100001 01100111 01100101 01110010 01110011 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110111 01100001 01110100 01100011 01101000 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100110 01101001 01101100 01101101 00101110


LadyGrace Tue 23-Aug-11 18:37:40

Have just read this in one go. Thank FUCK you're not taking your nephew with you!

Have a fab time, and a lovelysnog grin

Looking forward to your update!

DancesWithWolefCubs Tue 23-Aug-11 19:00:02

Had to run away to parents, XH turned up on a visit to the girls, refused to leave (GF has chucked him out, as I found out afterwards). He then got verbally abusive etc, etc and I had to leave. Went to see the girls yesterday, he got physically abusive, neighbour called police and he was removed.

In a nutshell.

So fucking happy!

And can't wait for OP's update grin

catsrus Tue 23-Aug-11 19:10:49

lol readytodrink me too!


ReadyToDrink Tue 23-Aug-11 19:15:53

01001111 01101111 01101000 00101100 00100000 01100100 01100101 01100110 01101001 01101110 01101001 01110100 01100101 01101100 01111001 00100000 01100111 01101111 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01101001 01110100 00101100 00100000 01100011 01100001 01110100 01110011 01110010 01110101 01110011 00101110 00100000 01010011 01110100 01100001 01110010 01110100 00100000 01100001 00100000 01101110 01100101 01110111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01110010 01100101 01100001 01100100 00100000 01110011 01101111 00100000 01110111 01100101 00100000 01100011 01100001 01101110 00100000 01100001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01101100 01101001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01110110 01101001 01100011 01100001 01110010 01101001 01101111 01110101 01110011 01101100 01111001 00100000 01110100 01101000 01110010 01101111 01110101 01100111 01101000 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00101100 00100000 01110100 01101111 01101111 00101110 00100000 01001001 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01100001 01100010 01110011 01101111 01101100 01110101 01110100 01100101 01101100 01111001 00100000 01111010 01101001 01101100 01100011 01101000 00100000 01100111 01101111 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01101111 01101110 00100000 01101111 01101110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110010 01101111 01101101 01100001 01101110 01100011 01100101 00100000 01100110 01110010 01101111 01101110 01110100 00101100 00100000 01110011 01101111 00100000 01001001 00100000 01101110 01100101 01100101 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110010 01100101 01100001 01100100 00100000 01100001 01100010 01101111 01110101 01110100 00100000 01100001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100010 01110101 01110100 01110100 01100101 01110010 01100110 01101100 01101001 01100101 01110011 00100000 00100110 00100000 01101000 01101111 01110000 01100101 01110011 00100000 01110011 01101111 01101101 01100101 01110111 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 00100001

FellatioNelson Tue 23-Aug-11 19:20:58

How do you do that? confused

OTheHugeRaveningWolef Tue 23-Aug-11 19:21:12

01001000 01110101 01110010 01110010 01111001 00100000 01100010 01100001 01100011 01101011 00101100 00100000 01001111 01010000 00101100 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110100 01100101 01101100 01101100 00100000 01110101 01110011 00100000 01101000 01101111 01110111 00100000 01101001 01110100 00100000 01110111 01100101 01101110 01110100 00101110 00100000 00001101 00001010 00001101 00001010 01001111 01101000 00101100 00100000 01110111 01100001 01101001 01110100 00101100 00100000 01101001 01100110 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101000 01110101 01110010 01110010 01111001 00100000 01100010 01100001 01100011 01101011 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101101 01101001 01100111 01101000 01110100 00100000 01110111 01110010 01100101 01100011 01101011 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01100010 01110101 01100100 01100100 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110010 01101111 01101101 01100001 01101110 01100011 01100101 00101110 00001101 00001010 00001101 00001010 00111100 01100011 01101111 01101110 01100110 01110101 01110011 01100101 01100100 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110111 00111110

FellatioNelson Tue 23-Aug-11 19:22:09

Ah. That explains it.

coffeeinbed Tue 23-Aug-11 19:27:16

Pours readytodrink some Baileys wine.
This is so romantic.
I think I feel quite faint. Pass the smelling salts more wine.

ReadyToDrink Tue 23-Aug-11 19:34:43

Just google 'binary translator' smile

ReadyToDrink Tue 23-Aug-11 19:36:21

& ooh, I only just noticed the alcohol being poured <<swoons>> I was too busy talking like a robot. God, I could do with some wine. I wonder if they made it in to the cinema, or if they started pressing each other up against the car & had to drive straight home.

FellatioNelson Tue 23-Aug-11 19:37:53

I wonder if he has made his intentions clear yet? A contract of betrothal may be had before the night is out.

AnyFucker Tue 23-Aug-11 19:39:06

blimey, sarah, that turned out quite dramatic shock

what a twunt he is

coffeeinbed Tue 23-Aug-11 19:41:00

You think?
Holding hands would be my guess.One would not want to do anything inappropiate, because He might misconstrue it.
Or updating their FB status.
But I do hope I'm wrong.

ReadyToDrink Tue 23-Aug-11 19:41:06

It took me so long to work out what 'betrothal' said then. I was reading it over & over, & coming up with 'Bert Roe Thall' blush Maybe I don't need wine after all.

Nagoo Tue 23-Aug-11 19:41:21

their knees will touch in the cinema and it will feel all exciting and hot.

<borrows fan>

catsrus Tue 23-Aug-11 19:43:30

oh starting my own thread <blushing mode on> not sure I'm ready for that readytodrink </blushing mode off> I might just see how it goes, casual-like, for a week or so - ATM it's me contacting him so I might need to back off and see if there is any contact the other way... put the feelers out via mutual friends, see if they get any vibes an all that.....

catsrus Tue 23-Aug-11 19:48:15

his hand might brush against hers as he passes the popcorn.... <sigh> Do we know what they've gone to see? Romantic? scary? weepy? comedy? Scary would be best I think, then she can cuddle him when he hides behinds his hands and asks her to tell him when it's safe to look wink

FellatioNelson Tue 23-Aug-11 20:29:13

Is she not home yet? shock Gracious, it is twenty five minutes past the hour of eight. Mr Bates, get Smithers to saddle up the horses and send out the carriage. Our mistress may yet be staggering up the lane, all ravished and in need of doctor. Fetch hot water and towels and make up a fire!

FellatioNelson Tue 23-Aug-11 20:30:20

I am enjoying this way too much. blush

ImperialBlether Tue 23-Aug-11 20:36:25

I can't wait! God knows how the OP is. If that man doesn't take the hint now, there's no hope for him.

FellatioNelson Tue 23-Aug-11 20:36:58

I wonder if he is feeling her stockings?

AnyFucker Tue 23-Aug-11 20:38:36

FN, you are a contrary and wanton filly, make no mistake

Nagoo Tue 23-Aug-11 20:38:46

fucking hell fellatio is she in labour all ready? What did I miss? grin

Sorry OP.

Hope you are having a nice date evening smile

AnyFucker Tue 23-Aug-11 20:39:40

Oh come on now, I reckon he is whacking her nethers with his riding crop as we speak !

MrsSchadenfreude Tue 23-Aug-11 20:48:34

He is giving her one hard from behind making sweet luuurve to her as we type.

MrsSchadenfreude Tue 23-Aug-11 20:49:36


AnyFucker Tue 23-Aug-11 20:51:09

MrsS, it's ok, this is a safe place for your musings fantasies

ineedabodytransplant Tue 23-Aug-11 20:59:18

it's a multi-screen and they ain't even in the same roomgrin

just jealous that someone else is getting someblush

seriously, I hope things have gone better than everyone here hopeswink

MrsSchadenfreude Tue 23-Aug-11 21:04:39

Thank you, AF.


I love the Bronte-esque turn that this thread has taken. I love the fact that they communicated in binary. I LOVE IT!!

I am eager, Miss Smith, to hear all about what transpired when they met. If anything unsavoury occurred <lowers eyes>

(Jesus Christ, OP, HURRY UP! I need an update immediately!)

I hope that this is a saga which continues at least until the end of the summer holidays, as I am a little bored and this is hugely interesting for me. I so want a madly happy ending for Waitingfor.

AlwaysbeOpralFruitstome Tue 23-Aug-11 21:24:34

Good God it's a quarter past the hour and she is still not back!? Once sullied, a reputation can never be unsullied - I hope Waiting remembers this and is not overtaken by passions beyond her control!

Who am I kidding? I seriously hoping for reports of uncontrolled passions or a bit of frotting round the back of the plex, at the very least. Come on OP, button your blouse up and give us an update!

FellatioNelson Tue 23-Aug-11 21:31:22

MrsS shock Please! Think of the children, won't you? What language. <fans self>

Arf arf arf at 'frotting round the back of the plex'. grin

MrsSchadenfreude Tue 23-Aug-11 21:38:54

Forsooth! He doth peel back her silken camiknickers! Gadzooks! He fumbleth with her clitoris! But what is this? My lady doth push back the knave! "Prithee, kind sir," she whispereth gently. "Art thou not aware, as any gentleman should be, that it is tits first?"

(Is that better FN?)


AnyFucker Tue 23-Aug-11 21:45:13

OP is going to slay us when she gets back grin

Bohica Tue 23-Aug-11 21:47:56

Marking place for update.

I want to know if he ends up with stinky fingers.

FellatioNelson Tue 23-Aug-11 21:49:41

shock Bohica! Too much!

MrsSchadenfreude Tue 23-Aug-11 21:50:08

And her with a moist gusset. grin

She said she wouldnt be back till midnight <sulk>

AnyFucker Tue 23-Aug-11 22:00:24

I can't stay up that long, I have work in the morning sad

Bohica, that comment was rather uncouth smile

MavisGrind Tue 23-Aug-11 22:14:08

We are not going to find out anything at this rate <looks around sternly>

I'm going to have to stay up a bit longer finish this bottle of wine-- to see if the OP has done a runner..


Bohica Tue 23-Aug-11 22:15:46


<<silly teenage moment emotioncon>>

AlwaysbeOpralFruitstome Tue 23-Aug-11 22:33:20

I want to know what [wunk] is a euphemism for, but I dare not ask. For the lewd and coarse turn of this thread, I fear it shall make me blush crimson to my breast blush.

MavisGrind Tue 23-Aug-11 23:22:22

Not back yet? <taps watch>

I suspect there is cannodling afoot....

ImperialBlether Tue 23-Aug-11 23:27:39

OK what time was the film? Whatever time it started, though, it MUST have ended by now!

<Taps fingers... some of us need to go to bed>

letitlie Wed 24-Aug-11 00:18:14

Been lurking.....marking spot so I can check in tomorrow morning smile

PercyPigPie Wed 24-Aug-11 00:25:23

Oh for goodness sake. In the time it took me to read this thread I could have cleaned half the house that desperately needs cleaning. Instead, I get to the end of the thread to see that he has already told her he fancies her in binary code hmm shock. Come on OP - just flaming well get your act together!

ReadyToDrink Wed 24-Aug-11 00:29:08

I am loving this thread. I hope the OP takes it in good humour. I imagine a lot will depend on how thorough a ravishing she receives at his manly-but-deft hands, not to mention the quivering bulge held within his breeches.

grin I'm meant to be essay-writing, but I just came back here to see if the post-midnight update was up yet, but evidently she is otherwise occupied. I shall try to contain my enthusiasm wink until tomorrow.

Waiting? Are you back yet? I really hope you had a great night, and that it was a good film, and that you and your bloke got on

DottyDot Wed 24-Aug-11 09:25:47

Waiting for Waiting...

Fuzzled Wed 24-Aug-11 11:08:18

Maybe they did get on... grin

eaglewings Wed 24-Aug-11 11:18:21

Half the country is waiting for news!

timetoask Wed 24-Aug-11 11:26:40

been lurking and crossing my fingers for you!
but cannot wait any longer for news!!!! how did it go????

waitingfornaru Wed 24-Aug-11 11:37:17

Oh my gawd, so funny reading the previous posts; 'People dont exchange binary code with just anyone, you know' Haha!

Well, you were all right, he fancies the pant(aloons) off me and has done for donkeys grin all that Facebook chat late at night for two years meant something.

It was a happy outcome, but not totally what I would have wished for though.

He stayed talking til half 3 in the morning, talked about sooo much my head's still reeling, and it transpires that he needed to talk to clear the air of sexual tension between us he said. He told me lots of beautiful stuff about what he thought of me, how at my brother's wedding two weeks ago he realised what he felt, that he couldn't look at me without wanting to snog my face off.... BUT..

As I said before, he is (like me) two years out of a very long term relationship for which he shoulders excruciating guilt and along with some depression which he suffers from he feels he isn't in the right place yet for dating, but that I am the woman he would want.
He has had much to deal with emotionally with family issues recently and from what I can intuit his ex partner still possibly has a strong hold on him and is holding him back, until he can let go the guilt or she can let him go, and his depression and other issues are on a more even keel, I have to hold tight, but he doesn't want to lose me, wants me to continue being his friend. To hang in there I guess? I can feel him wanting to kiss me, he kept saying this, but he wanted to be able to respect me and hold out until he is in a more stable place in himself.

I didn't get a kiss. We did have a long, long hug. The kiss would have been too leading for both of us as we both want to so much, but we need to stay friends for the time being.

You know, it would be too easy to dress to kill and floor him in 60 seconds the tension is that high, but I just knew my trepidation was neccessary, I knew it, it isn't all daft Jane Austen-esque, it was and is neccessary in order for him to stabilise himself. He has women after him all over the shop facebookers, etc. (he is very handsome, he really does look like George Clooney) but he cannot and does not want to pursue anyone..but I am who he wants if he was ready.

I know you will think, a gracious rejection. In black and white, that's how it appears. But there is high emotion here, sexual tension, a real feeling of permanence about our friendship, a funny butterfly belly 'fate' feeling about it all. Writing this all down is really helping me actually, I'm still shell-shocked by last night (haven't slept yet).

I have gained a deeper bond with a friend who has a beautiful soul. I now have to restrain myself for the foreseeable future until he is ready. He is worth the wait. You don't meet someone like this every day, he has become a pivotal character in my life's history. Now how am I going to stop myself falling in love with him I don't know, that's going to be hard blush but that's my priority now, to be a good friend and to ensure I don't fall in love.

I'm sorry this might disappoint some of you romantics, it's too easy to jump someone and think it will progress naturally from there. But if this friendship deepens even more, we will both have such a strong foundation for, well whatever might come later.

Thankyou all so much for your advice. I love Mumsnet


ReadyToDrink Wed 24-Aug-11 11:48:12

I'm really glad that you're happy and that at least it wasn't all based on wishful thinking or whatever. Just make sure that he doesn't string you along for too long. I understand that things are complicated and that it's good to start a new relationship from a place of stability, but don't let yourself become his ego boost while he doesn't have to bother making a commitment, if you see what I mean? Sorry to come across as cynical after such an optimistic, happy post - I really do wish you well smile

Hey, waiting,

01010011 01101111 00100000 01100111 01101100 01100001 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01101100 01100001 01110011 01110100 00100000 01101110 01101001 01100111 01101000 01110100 00100000 01110111 01100101 01101110 01110100 00100000 01110111 01100101 01101100 01101100 00101100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01101000 01101111 01110000 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01101001 01110100 00100000 01100001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01110111 01101111 01110010 01101011 01110011 00100000 01101111 01110101 01110100 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110000 01100101 01110010 01100110 01100101 01100011 01110100 01101100 01111001 00100001 00100001 00100000

I am glad that you had a good evening, sounds deliciously intense, how exciting!! I would echo ReadytoDrink's advice and say just watch that he doesnt keep you hanging on. He should go for some councelling, relate or sommat, you can go on your own to work through issues. I REALLY hope it all works out and you get together eventually! To be honest, youre a grown woman, and you're not daft so Im sure you can use your own judgement and will know when or if you need to put your foot down if he messes you about. But I dont think he will now he knows you feel the same!

Good for you for taking the comments last night in good humour too, I think everyone is willing this all to work out for you!

PS I am INTO the Binary....I might have to start communicating like this all the time.....

Only just found this thread.

2 years and he's not over his ex? FFS.

Would it be too crude to suggest the best way to get over someone is to get under someone?wink that how you spell it? My spelling skills are weaker than my new found binary skills...

Oh, and please don't wait for him. x

FellatioNelson Wed 24-Aug-11 12:16:56

Oh. confused

timetoask Wed 24-Aug-11 12:18:30

What a wonderful outcome.
And if everyone waited to "sort themselves out" before jumping into a relationship, we'd have far more successful relationships around.
Just be careful not to sit and wait wait wait. Go out, get yourself a hobby and meet more friends.

coffeeinbed Wed 24-Aug-11 12:22:22

you might as well have taken dear nephew to the cinema.

MavisGrind Wed 24-Aug-11 12:31:33

Ah, ok then, well as lovely as this all seems to be (and I'm glad you had a good date) please don't hang around for ages for him. He needs to be proactve in sorting out his issues or you will have found someone else..... right?

I really hope this ends well for you both. smile

PercyPigPie Wed 24-Aug-11 13:00:59

Blimey, no wonder you were hesitant OP. I think I am pleased for you, but I'm also worried. I guess you were the one there and know what the mood was, but like others, I hope he is being proactive sorting himself out and not just getting one massive ego boost from all his femal admirers while he plays hard to get.

I really hope it comes to something - soon smile.

trinni Wed 24-Aug-11 13:13:09

Oh dear!

He's had a good while to lick his wounds I'd say. Time to start sorting himself out and...

If he isn't ready for anything more than friendship right now; he shouldn't be teasing you with all the thoughts of things he'd like to be doing with you.

It's only my opinion but I think you should let him see you aren't always available for fb chats in the evening. It won't do him any harm to think you're otherwise occupied.

He sounds a bit of a handful TBH; I'd be wary of what you might be taking on here.

AnyFucker Wed 24-Aug-11 13:53:49

I think you just need to find someone else to shag your brains out

All this "star-crossed lovers but it's not the right time" makes him sound like a manipulative player.

I hope you stay open to other offers, or else you might want to look into getting yourself a different hobby, one that doesn't involve stroking the ego of a narcissistic man

creative writing, perhaps ?

ChizChizChiz Wed 24-Aug-11 13:59:13

Gosh, another lurker here wanting a happy ending for you, OP smile

Have to say though, I am with trinni - and others - he sounds as though he has had a fair while already to get himself on a more even keel. I would be very wary of a man who was still so emotionally devastated by/invested in a previous relationship that he couldn't contemplate dating someone he professes to REALLY fancy two years later...

Am also a little confused by him not kissing you because he wanted to retain respect for you? Since when does a mutually-desired kiss = loss of respect?

It is exciting, and I can quite understand why you feel you want to hang on. But please, please be VERY careful. It sounds as if he has quite an adoring harem already; you don't need to be a part of it.

coffeeinbed Wed 24-Aug-11 15:02:32

You're absolutely right, Chiz.
Why wouldn't be able to respect you after he'd kissed you?
That is worrying.

coffeeinbed Wed 24-Aug-11 15:03:05

missed a "he' there..

smallnotfaraway Wed 24-Aug-11 15:12:09

I'm another lurker coming out in frustration at this thread.

In agreement with Chiz and AF.

Also, why all this emotional investment when you haven't even kissed properly? What if, say, in another 2 year's time he's 'ready' and you have your snog and he turns out to be a terrible kisser or something. Don't know about you, but that would matter to me - though I don't have much experience, I know enough to know if a man doesn't suit you when it comes to kissing, it tends to follow that you're likely to be incompatible more intimately too.

You're both single, and 2 years is plenty of time to be dancing around each other.

Fairenuff Wed 24-Aug-11 15:18:24

Hi, I have been following this thread and am wondering, did you ask him why he kissed you on the lips at the wedding?

My understanding is that he has said he does like you a lot, he does fancy you, he does want to kiss you again but is holding back in case you both get 'carried away'? confused

And that would be a bad thing because it would show that he does not respect you? [sceptical]

Sorry, but I think he is either letting you down gently and does not actually want an intimate relationship with you, or he is enjoying having you admire him from afar and possibly lusting after him. Or possibly both.

AmuseYourBouche Wed 24-Aug-11 15:43:23

Another lurker putting in my two pence worth.

I have been in a similar situation. A friend appeared to be more than a friend. We flirted lots over text. Whenever we had an evening out amongst friends he would always text me after saying 'Lovely seeing you'. We went out just the two of us once and it ended in several bottles of wine, dinner (all paid by him) and a peck on the lips).

Next opportunity I STOOPIDLY put myself out there when rather intoxicated and informed him 'i like you <hiccup>'.

We kissed. He told me that he did like me too, but all this stuff was going on at the moment and he just couldn't handle a relationship.

We text each other a few times after that night along the lines of 'I hope its not awkward between us'.

A few months down the line and I have only seen him once since at a party and I'm pretty sure he was avoiding me. Funny thing is now that all this has happened I've realised I never really had feelings for him, I just liked the idea of it. But our friendship is now ruined and I feel like he thinks I'm a desperate fool sad.

Well done OP for not kissing him. Take what he's said about his feelings for you with a pinch of salt, some people do just like the attention.

waitingfornaru Wed 24-Aug-11 16:36:46

'And that (kissing you)would be a bad thing because it would show that he does not respect you? [sceptical]'

No, it's because we both fancy the pants off eachother but he is not in the right place at the moment to take it further. He is depressed and has other family issues to deal with.

' I think he is either letting you down gently and does not actually want an intimate relationship with you, or he is enjoying having you admire him from afar and possibly lusting after him.'

Of course there is that possibility. But why would he say if he was ready I would be the woman for him?

'My understanding is that he has said he does like you a lot, he does fancy you, he does want to kiss you again but is holding back in case you both get 'carried away'

Yes, because there is that much tension, if we kiss, our friendship ups the ante and he is not in the right place to devote time to me I suppose. That would just make us 'friends with benefits', something neither of us want to do as we have too much repsect for eachoterhr. Rather wait until the time is right.

I know two years is a long time to get over someone sad They were 16 years together, he left. She took i very badly, the worst way. They still talk everyday. She is still clinging, she still needs that crutch. Once she lets go, he can let go the guilt too.

Anyway, the outcome is acceptable. I would like to know this man on a different level, but we have a deeper understanding now. I will reign in my desire for him, will support him as a friend. I don't do this for reward but because I genuinely care for him. Perhaps things will change one day, in the meantime it makes me feel happy to be a good friend to him.

waitingfornaru Wed 24-Aug-11 16:40:42

It has just occurred to me he's aware I'm on Mumsnet a lot. Can someone tell me how to have this Thread removed? Now I have written so much about my feelings I feel I have been disloyal by sharing such intimacy online

I feel that you have all helped me see this from different viewpoints and am so grateful for the support and advice, but I need to put it behind me now and concentrate on moving forward.

I promise I will update on a new thread in the near future if any developments occur! grin
Thankyou so much to all of you for contributing x

malinkey Wed 24-Aug-11 16:42:56

Erm, sorry to be cynical, but it sounds like he's enjoying stringing you along. All this talk of these rampant women all over him like a rash every time he goes on Facebook. How come he can't kiss you now but he could give you a peck on the lips at the wedding? Methinks he likes the adoration too much.

malinkey Wed 24-Aug-11 16:43:53

Oh, and, how is she going to let go if he talks to her every day? I don't think that's a very healthy thing to do if he doesn't want to be with her. Maybe he likes having her adoration too.

coffeeinbed Wed 24-Aug-11 17:17:57

"I can feel him wanting to kiss me, he kept saying this, but he wanted to be able to respect me and hold out until he is in a more stable place in himself."

This is what you said and this is where the the kiss and disrespect bit came from.
Anyway, good luck in the future, whatetever endeavours you decide to pursue forthwith.

OTheHugeRaveningWolef Wed 24-Aug-11 17:20:18

Wait. What? He still talks to his ex every day, 2 years on? shock

Sorry, but it sounds to me like he's got some weird codependent thing going on with her. Bad jazz. Run for the hills - he's stringing you along and this will end baaaaadly.

FellatioNelson Wed 24-Aug-11 17:26:11

I COMPLETELY agree with Trinni and AF. He sounds like he might turn out to be a bit of a pain in the arse to be honest.

stretch Wed 24-Aug-11 18:02:48

Agree with Fellatio.

Also, he stays there? " Sometimes he travels to see his Ex"
So there is a good chance he is sleeping with her = reason why she hasn't moved on maybe?

I really hope he is genuine, and you have a happy ever after, but there are quite a few warning signs he may be stringing you along.

PercyPigPie Wed 24-Aug-11 18:12:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carlywurly Wed 24-Aug-11 18:35:17

I hate to say it but he sounds rather like my XH (other than the George Clooney esque looks,sadly for me), who, it transpired was married to me while at one point having affairs with 3 other women at the same time. He fed them all the same lines.

This guy hasn't made a clean break, or any kind of real break from his ex. He's flirting with married women on FB. He sounds highly emotionally dysfunctional and likely to lead you a merry dance, and I'd bet all of this is feeding his ego massively. Why don't you join an online dating site and chat to some other men? You need to realise there are more people out there, don't pin any kind of hopes on him.

ImperialBlether Wed 24-Aug-11 19:11:41

I agree with carly. He's not detached himself from his ex. He's keeping her stringing along, when a clear "Sorry, it's over." would end it.

I don't like the sound of all these women on Facebook. Why is he flirting with married women?

Sorry, OP, it must have been really nice to hear him say all those things, but really, he isn't all that into you, otherwise he would a) have asked you out in the first place, b) have dumped his ex properly long ago and c) would have had you in a clinch that neither of you would have wanted to get out of.

Nagoo Wed 24-Aug-11 19:43:50

Don't dedicate too much time to him OP.

Get out a bit more and see where other avenues may lead you. Dont get hung up on the idea of him if he;s not going to give you or us what you need.

AlwaysbeOpralFruitstome Wed 24-Aug-11 21:16:02

sad I have to say I mostly agree with what everyone else is saying. It sounds very much like he's enjoying having a little band of groupies and as you tend to hold back a bit, he feels the need to dangle a slightly larger carrot (ie vague musings about a possible relationship at a unspecified time and under his terms) to make sure you are focused on him.

The fact that he is still so embroiled in a pseudo-relationship with his ex, 2yrs on, has me looking round to see where the ding-a-ling noise is coming from. The only comment that gave me a little pause was where you said "she took it badly, the worst way". Am I way off bat to think that she made an attempt on her life due to the break-up? If so then I can kind of see why he may feel trapped/been manipulated into maintaining a relationship with the ex and is twitchy about starting anything new.

Either way, don't wait for him. If he sorts it out within the next year, great! But if he doesn't, you could have been stood in line for the roller-coaster all day just to be told the ride is closed. You deserve a happy, healthy and most importantly REAL relationship OP, don't get sucked into the romance of this 'Love against the odds' fantasy.

PercyPigPie Wed 24-Aug-11 23:16:25

Always I also wondered if the ex attempted to take her own life. If so, you can understand his guilt/depression/reticence.

Nagoo Wed 24-Aug-11 23:35:38

great post opalfruits

FellatioNelson Thu 25-Aug-11 06:52:53

I though that too, but even if she did attempt suidcide, and even if she contiunues to threaten it, people like cannot and should not be pandered to. He should not have his life ruined and controlled because of it, and he should be sensible enough to put everything in place to make sure she is supported, warn the right people ahead of time that she might react badly/be vulnerable, and then make a clean break.

He would be doing her a favour as well in the long run. She can't be very happy either, holding on to her shell of a marriage with her fingertips and always afraid she lose her grasp. I'm afraid after two years it is time to call her bluff.

Anyway, it looks like we are talking to ourselves now!

MavisGrind Thu 25-Aug-11 08:42:40

Fellatio - I suspect for the latter part of this thread we always were...

Makeyerowndamndinner Thu 25-Aug-11 09:48:00

I am really sorry op, but if a man wants you that much and knows that you want him, iron and steel would not hold him back.

He's saying as much as he needs to to keep you invested in him so he knows you are there as an option.

It's time for you to move on and make yourself a little less available.

MindyMacready Thu 25-Aug-11 10:08:26

I think I agree with Makeyerowndamndinner here, sounds like you've been relegated to a "just in case" reserve position. Enjoy the friendship, but move on emotionally (easier said than done!)

plantsitter Thu 25-Aug-11 13:22:12

I've been lurking on this thread. I'm not sure you're on it any more, but I just wanted to say BEWARE the man with a 'clinging' ex... I speak from experience. People don't cling without encouragement (well, sometimes they do but mostly they don't).

If you get into a relationship with men like this, down the line you eventually find yourself BEING the clingy ex because somebody hasn't dumped you properly.

waitingfornaru Thu 25-Aug-11 17:12:21

I'm still here plantsitter smile appreciating the follow-up views, although people will keep referring to him as a divorcee when he's never been married!

I never thought about the ex before really, until people highlighted it on here. I have always stayed in constant contact with previous partners - although I was always the one that did the leaving - I suppose because despite everything we still had a solid friendship and I thought that it would help ease the transition of parting if we still talked.

But with this man, he is a stepfather after all and step-grandfather and regularly sees his stepgrandson (very young), so he will likely always have his ex in his life to a degree.

My experience personally however is that once your ex finds someone new, unless that new person is particularly open-minded, usually contacts stops abruptly thereon sad They have found a new support so contact lessens in gravity naturally.

Now I think about it, yes he must have stayed at her house when he helped her move, they have been to nights out for her birthday (once to a posh hotel for dinner)etc,etc. and she is coming up this weekend to visit her family. But that black and white thing ; I mean, the father of my children visits 3-4 times a year and actually stays in my house (seperate bedroom of course) but settles himself in like he's at home and we do day trips all together for the children and shopping and so forth, so from teh outside that could also appear 'rather too cosy'. Despite the fact that I am not and could never be persuaded to sleep with him or invest in him emotionally to any other degree. Perhaps he is sleeping with her, who knows, he is not exclusive to me, it isn't my business. Oh it's very confusing sad

It's hopeless. He wants to be just friends. A few days after, I now feel a little embarrassed that we had the conversation, as if I have been gently reprimanded for being a contributing factor to the sexual tension between us.

He also said I had made him more sad than he already feels with his depression, I presume because him also realising he likes me in that way complicates things for him.

ooo hang on perhaps that's it? He's not really over his ex is he? I didnt post for a few days because I wanted this thread to disappear from view as Im concerned as he knows I'm on Mumsnet he might come across it, I feel utterly dreadful writing all of this very private stuff on a public forum :'(

I remember too that his ex handled very badly the fact just after they parted a woman showed interest in him.
But if she caught wind of me, if he told her, as he's so honest he probably would talk to her about it I can imagine, even then I don't believe she could make a case for winning him back. I believe him when he says he has no feelings for her in that area left.

I need to do what some people have advised. Need to concentrate on my life more, less on him. My daughter starts school soon, that will distract me.
Is it even possible to be friends with someone with whom you have intense physical attraction? (I may start a new thread on that one actually..)

FellatioNelson Thu 25-Aug-11 17:33:18

Oh, well after 16 years with someone he may as well have been married! It doesn't matter about the small print - you both may as well be divorced, for all the difference it makes!

Fairenuff Thu 25-Aug-11 17:48:08

I'm sorry you are feeling down now about the whole situation. You had a friendship with this man but it has now changed into a different kind of relationship. If he were a proper friend he would be supportive of your feelings, needs and wants as well as his own. You should not be left feeling reprimanded for sexual tension between you. I have no idea why he would treat you like this if he was really, genuinely attracted to you.

There is no good reason (imo) not to have a relationship with you after two years of being single unless, as you say he is not over his ex. It could be that he would like a 'no stings' sexual relationship but knows that you won't agree to that but I don't think he wants to invest in an emotional relationship with you.

I think you should gradually have less contact with him until it fizzles out and then, if he really values your friendship, he will make the effort to get in touch and you will know where you stand with him.

If you fancy him too much to settle for just being friends then I think you should let it go altogether.

Is it even possible to be friends with someone with whom you have intense physical attraction? (I may start a new thread on that one actually..)

Why not start a new thread? It may take the attention away from this one if that is what you want and you will probably get some good advice.

FellatioNelson Thu 25-Aug-11 18:00:41

He is blaming you for making him feel sadder than he already was. Because you went out, had a great time, and had to resist ripping one another's clothes off? Hmm.

PercyPigPie Thu 25-Aug-11 19:57:05

Have you been on Facebook with him since The Conversation OP? If so, what did he say?

waitingfornaru Thu 25-Aug-11 22:06:47

No not yet. He's generally quiet on Thursdays/Fridays.

I have some trepidation about it actually, I feel embarrassed now about the whole thing, as if I have been ratted out. I thought I hid the fact I fancied him quite well blush and certainly had no intention of ever asking him to take things further.

Oh well, that's not going to happen now anyway is it. I'm resigned to it all. It's Fate. What a beautiful, gorgeous, wonderful man, but he is not mine and never will be and that's that.

I don't think there's anything left to say on this subject now! I have concluded it was all one big gracious rejection. I'm a big eejit. I'll get over it! At least it proves I still have passion and potential inside. Hopefully another man will benefit from that sometime in the future, as for this one, as many of you have been saying, he is 'just not that into you' smile

AlwaysbeOpralFruitstome Thu 25-Aug-11 22:24:04

sad it's his loss waiting and whilst he may seem 'perfect' from a distance, I have an ever increasing feeling in my gut that this guy might end up being a total head fuck, the closer you get to him - you may have just had a lucky escape!

I hope there's someone in your not too dim and distant future who makes you feel emboldened and elated, not repressed and embarrassed by your passion (as this guy seems to have a knack of doing). Good luck OP.

Fairenuff Thu 25-Aug-11 22:30:37

It's his loss I'm sure waiting. For what it's worth, you did hide the fact you fancied him until he kissed you! You have nothing to blush about. You have acted with dignity and composure. He's the one blundering about, not sure what he wants, leading you on and holding you back. You can hold your head up high.

Let him be the first one to make contact now, if he wants to. What's the binary code for 'you had your chance, you blew it mate'? grin

Fairenuff Thu 25-Aug-11 22:31:26

x post, great minds, and all that . . .

AlwaysbeOpralFruitstome Thu 25-Aug-11 22:34:19

...or fools seldom differ, as mother never fails to interject when that phrase is mentioned! grin

ImperialBlether Thu 25-Aug-11 23:53:29

I don't think it's such a great loss, to be honest. Out there, there is someone who isn't on Facebook talking to married women, who isn't flirting for YEARS with someone whom he knows fancies him, who isn't still in constant contact with his ex.

Try to get out of the house and involved in other activities than Facebook. Could you join something like a walking group (Ramblers) where you can take your children at the weekend? Do you have anyone to babysit? Could you go out with a friend or your sister?

Don't then go on and report it all to him. If you feel the need to talk to him, do it lightly. Get away from the computer for long periods of time. Turn off the modem!

This man is a complete and utter wanker. His life is all about him and everyone else exists as props to support his enormous ego. I bet he spends his entire life trailing his spunky hanky in front of women until they respond, then he can fend them off by telling them that he is far too much of a tortured soul to be any use to them while making sure he hints that they might just be the one to sort him out.
Honestly Waiting, in the nicest possible way, get a life ie take up a hobby, join some kind of social club, even have a go at internet dating if you must, but do something that occupies your mind so you don't get so hung up on any one particular man again.

winnybella Fri 26-Aug-11 00:33:18

'What a beautiful, gorgeous, wonderful man, but he is not mine and never will be and that's that.'

Hmm. No. You're idealising him and imagining yourself a heroine of a doomed romance.

He sounds like a twat, tbh.

winnybella Fri 26-Aug-11 00:36:40

'He also said I had made him more sad than he already feels with his depression, I presume because him also realising he likes me in that way complicates things for him.'

Jesus. Me, me, me, whine, whine, whine.

Either a loser or a wanker.

ChizChizChiz Fri 26-Aug-11 08:49:59

WFN, the more you write about this man, the more it looks as if you've actually dodged a bullet by him being 'unable' to commit to you - now or at any other time. I take it back - it's not exciting, and you shouldn't hold on.

You're not an eejit (though he might well be) and you will get over it. Your post at 17.12 makes him sound pretty unpleasant - as if the 'respect' stuff wasn't enough, you're now to blame for some of his unhappiness? WTF?!

It's all about him, isn't it? All about how he feels, what he needs, what he's going through. This is sounding more and more like a nice little ego massage for him, one which has left you feeling pretty rotten. And believe me, if that's the way it starts, that's the way it will remain.

Good relationships aren't about angst and unhappiness and denying oneself and worrying about whether you respect each other and all this bullshit, frankly, that he's spouting. If he was capable of giving you what you needed, he'd have done so by now. Wild horses could not have held him back the other night (I don't just mean physically), and you'd certainly not be feeling doubt, trepidation and embarrassment now.

I do feel for you, your hurt and longing jumps off the screen. But honestly - He's Not Worth It. Go out, do something else, meet friends, read a book, go out for dinner, cook a stupendous meal, go to the cinema (not with him!) walk, run, anything. And remember that, if you want them, there are a million men out there better than this one.

PercyPigPie Fri 26-Aug-11 08:50:28

Also (and I know that you won't be able to confirm this on here) but if his ex did react very very badly to the split by an attempt on her life or nervous break-down, and you say that your ex was emotionaly abusive, you have to ask whether he is someone who likes to mess with people who are feeling vulnerable for some reason.

MaM is bang on: I have met shitheads like this before, they get off on driving women to breakdowns and suicide attempts. You've had a lucky escape.

I think it was good that you had the night out. No you know where you stand with him. You cannot build you life around the the promise that he may one day sort himself out so get out there and do stuff for yourself.

Rather than spend your evenings chatting him online is there something else you could do with your evenings. Join an evening class, find a theatre group, start morris dancing confused

CalamityKate Fri 26-Aug-11 16:59:09

*'What a beautiful, gorgeous, wonderful man, but he is not mine and never will be and that's that.'

Hmm. No. You're idealising him and imagining yourself a heroine of a doomed romance.

He sounds like a twat, tbh.*

Yep, exactly that. He loves the fact you put him on a pedestal and imagine him as this perfect specimen. THAT'S why he's still around.

He's either not over his ex, or he's a player. Or a bit of both.

If he fancied you that much, he'd get over himself and snap you up before someone else does.

Totally not worth the effort, by the sounds of it.

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