I want to love DH again

[MidLife]

I've been reading this forum over the past few weeks and many things on here could apply to DH as I see him at the moment. However despite the fact that he can be grumpy, disrespectful and mean and I often feel controlled, I also think some of this is just 'us' and the rut we are in. ie we are bringing out the worst in each other.

I feel things can get better, but how do I turn it around? For my part I am guilty of not loving DH and being fairly cold and uncaring. I believe if I am warm to him and start to see the good in him again it might start to help us be more positive.

Do you think I am being naiive? Any word of wisdom as to how to go about doing this?

[inatrance]

Well if he is grumpy, disrespectful, mean and controlling, it's unlikely that he is going to change and become the man you wish he was.

How long have you been together? What does he do that are examples of the above? What has brought you to this point?

[moaningmurtle]

I'd say firstly you need to sit him down and tell him all of this, you can't fix it by yourself...

[Podders]

I am in a similar situation, DH trying to change things, and after 15 years of being together and he now apologising for being controlling and suppressing me.... alot has happened over the last few years where Iam in a situation that I just cannot belive he can change / be different.

I am cold, unloving, and just don't feel anything for him now. All I see is the damage caused.

I am trying to belive in him but cant.

I understand what you are saying, but surely it has to come from effort from his part to help you warm / love him again. Do you still love him? I ask myself this question many a time, and still dont know the answer for sure !!!

Not sure if im helping you here, but if you can answer the question as to if you love him deep down, then maybe you have somewhere to work from. Or has too much damage been caused, which in my case I think is my problem.
What does he do that is controlling?

Im a first timer in responding !!!! Good luck

[MidLife]

It has been 15 years here too. We have times when we get on better and enjoy each others company, but it seems not for a while now. I was reading the post on defining moments, and I know for me there was a moment when our relationship changed over 2 years ago, but we have had good times during those 2 years too, but the cycle of selfishness (on both sides - although I think his is worse!) keeps coming back.

I suppose the point I am wondering is if DH looks at me and sees a cold, uncaring, unhappy woman and it brings out the negative in him too. I find him selfish and that makes me think if he doesn't look out for me, why should I for him and we just end up in that cycle.
If I can find a way to be happy and kind, will it bring out the warmth in him too?

Podders, at the moment it would have to be a 'no' that I don't love him, or at least not the him I see right now and I suspect that goes both ways. But I do love the fun, positive 'him'.

[almostgrownup]

Hello Midlife, this is a brave and positive attitude. Yes, I think if you are happy and kind (or even if you only act happy and kind at first), then he is bound to respond to that eventually. And if you act happy and kind, you will eventually feed happy and kind too. Even if it doesn't work, at least you will have the moral high ground.

[ImperialBlether]

I think the only person who we should make an effort to love if we don't love them already is our own child.

You don't love him. It doesn't sound as though he loves you. Is there a really good reason you're still together? You could part and you could do everything possible to be kind to him, but are you really going to change his nature simply by changing your own?

And I understand that your nature might have meant his changed, but seriously, it doesn't sound as though either of you loves each other.

[awaywiththepixies]

I think if you want to turn this round then you can. Love is a verb. Act lovingly (even if you don't feel loving initially) and he's likely to respond in kind (in my experience).

[squeakytoy]

I dont think you can completely turn love on and off and then back on again. If you want to love someone, then to me, that would mean you do actually love them, but maybe dont like a lot about them, if that makes sense.

It also has to be a mutual thing, you cant change a person to be the person you want them to be, they have to want to change too. So it takes both of you to make this work.

I split with my husband 4 years in to our marriage, nobody else involved, but we had got to a point where we didnt like each other very much. A couple of months apart and we both realised that we both wanted to make our marriage work, and we both admitted our faults and resolved to change.

It worked for us. We have been together for ten years now and the last six years have certainly been the best.

I wouldnt say it will work for everyone, but for me, I tried to imagine a future that didnt have my husband in it, and I couldnt, even though I didnt like him back then, I knew that I didnt want a life without him in it, and luckily he felt the same.

[TheFarSide]

I don't know if this is an apocryphal tale, but there was a story about two psychologists married to each other but about to get divorced, who decided at the last minute to behave as if they still loved each other ... and ended up loving each other again.

I do this sometimes when I've gone off DH. I go over and give him a hug and of course he responds positively and somehow we're OK again.