Partner either cannot or will not cum - and it's affecting our relationship

[namechangedtoavoidembarassment]

I'm a name changing regular as my partner knows my username and frankly this is extremely embarassing. I've been with my partner for a few years now and he has only 'cum' once in all this time despite me trying every trick in the book, various techniques, positions, you name it, it aint happening.

I am starting to hate sex now. I'm feeling woefully inadequate (never had this with any previous partner) and the lengthy sessions just end up with me pushing him away because I've become sore or bored or both.

He claims he doesn't 'need to cum' to enjoy sex, which is fine as neither do I, but to not climax in this amount of time, ever?! I can't help but feel he's now going through the motions because he feels I want sex rather than because WE want sex.

This has all came to a head in a massive row this weekend because, after a few drinks, i thought it would be a good idea to try and seduce him - sexy undies the works - and got told point blank to do one and he wasn't interested leaving me feeling really embarassed and pretty shit about the whole thing, the only explaination offered was a mumbled "it's late i have work in the morning" putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with 12 i can only think everything is now beginning to play on his mind. It is mine.

I have tried talking to him in the past and since the argument but just get told to forget about it, it's not that important and it's over and done with and dealt with. But it's not. I'm feeling really really shit right now :( Can the wise heads of mumsnet offer any help or advice at all please? I just want some intimacy in our relationship again. Failing that a 'wham bam thank you mam' type shag would suffice. Sadly I seem to have neither :(

[mo3d]

Has he been to docs about it?

[namechangedtoavoidembarassment]

No. He doesn't see it's an issue.

[mo3d]

Well does he not see that it now is an issue, so he needs to get himself to the docs? Is this a problem he had in previous relationships?

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

Oh dear - is it just him that doesn't have an orgasm or do you both not have one? It seems strange that he gets erect and has penetrative sex but doesn't orgasm - i've never heard of that happening.

[namechangedtoavoidembarassment]

I think it's a male pride thing mo3d He says he's not had a problem before and has no problem when he's on his own. Which makes me think it's me that's the problem :(

He always makes sure I do IYSWIM but I have no developed a problem myself whereby I can't because I don't feel like he's enjoyed it.

Ridiculous cycle we've now got ourselves into!

[LuckyMrsT]

He can get and maintain an erection but doesn't orgasm? This has been going on for years?

How is your relationship apart from this? Is there chemistry between you?

Is there any chance he might be gay and in denial?

[namechangedtoavoidembarassment]

luckymrsT our relationship, aside from this, is fine. We get on as well as we always have done and there is still a spark between us that hasn't ever gone away.

I did wonder if he's gay, but would he be able to get and maintain an erection if he was?

[onepieceofcremeegg]

The issue/problem is more than that of a sexual one if he won't communicate. If a partner won't communicate about any subject that is a source of distress/concern in the relationship then (imo) there is a problem.

Does he climax on his own do you know, or is that not up for discusssion? What about previous relationships?

It's so difficult if he won't even acknowledge there is a problem.

[HowlingBitch]

Well this can be because of a few things.

-Do you only have sex when one or both of you have had a few drinks?
-Does he/ do you think he is suffering with depression?
-He could be masturbating alot.
-Does he work long hours?
-How old is he?
-Is he under alot of stress?

I'm sure you are finding this frustrating. The same thing happened to me two years ago with DP. I took it very personally and found it very difficult. It turns out DP was suffering from depression.

[Namechangingknackeredknickers]

Hello there. I have been with my husband for nearly 12 years and it was apparent from early on that he suffers from delayed ejaculation.

I can relate to what you are saying, it has at times had a very bad effect on our marriage & in the early years I really wrestled with it. We have, together, found ways to deal with it now, and he comes a lot more often... But still, when we start to have sex there is only a one in ten chance that he will get anywhere near orgasm.

Happy to chat more about it but want to post quickly at the moment so that you know you're not alone and it IS a recognised problem.

[mo3d]

Do you think if you gave him a ultimatum then he would go to the docs? I'm not saying you should leave him and im not sure what the ultimatum would be, but he has to go to the docs. It's his only option isn't it?

[onepieceofcremeegg]

It could be medication-related also. When HB said about depression yes she is right, but also some anti-depressants have a desperate effect on libido/sexual function. And lots of other medications too.

[Sariah]

What if you want to have children? Have you discussed this. I have come across it before, in one instance it was because he was too used to masturbating and not in the habit of having sex so had problems coming during sex. With the other I think it was a fear of loss of control.

[BornInAfrica]

Hmmm - sorry you're going through this. Don't wish to sound like a doom merchant but I had a relationship like this - not a long one, obviously - and it turned out he was gay and in denial. Something for you to think about.

[AmeliaGrey]

If he was my partner, I'd insist he/we had psycho sexual counselling. if he can come on his own- which you say he says he can- then it's in his mind.

Even within the variations of human sexuality, this is not "normal"- what if you wanted to conceive, for instance?

If he would not entertain counselling or a trip to drs ( who would most likely suggest therapy after checking all his bits worked), then I would seriously consider ending the relationship, not because of his problem per se, but because of his reluctance to deal with a major issue.

I think some ultimatums are needed.

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

I was about to post what Sariah has already said; if he masturbates frequently and can orgasm that way, it's possible he has developed a particular hand technique to get himself off (even just a very tight grip) which cannot be replicated by a vagina.

[namechangedtoavoidembarassment]

onepiece he does climax on his own and has done in previous relationships but he has admitted he occasionally gives up when he's masturbating or falls asleep

howlingbitch I did wonder if stress/depression has an effect on it as he has had a fair amount of stress lately. As for drinking, no whilst we do have sex when drunk it is mostly when sober. He works away from home during the week and is home weekends but not in an overly stressful job. And he's in his early 30's.

namechanging Thank you. It's reassuring to know that it's not unheard of! How did you deal with it?

Mo3d I could do. Especially as we're going to be TTC in the near future which could be what is playing on his mind.

[Salles]

First, it's not your fault so stop feeling inadequate! It sounds as though you are having sex (you mention the lengthy sessions) so it doesn't sound as though he's avoiding intimacy. The reaction you got the other night was pretty upsetting, I can understand why that stung.

I work in a clinic for male sexual problems and inhibited/retrograde ejaculation does happen. Does he get the feeling of orgasm or can't he get there at all? You said he ejaculated once, so that's encouraging. A trip to the doc would be a good idea of you can get him there, there is help for him. It could be physical or pschological but there are ways of treating him.

His reaction the other night might have been because he is feeling pressured instead of him being deliberatley mean. It's obviously very distressing for you though. Will he talk about it? Is it something that's always happened with him? Will he go and see the doc for your sake? I think that's the first sensible step.

[namechangedtoavoidembarassment]

sairah and oldlady how do you go about dealing with that? I am open to the idea of counselling as ameliagray suggests but open to any ideas right now!

As for the being gay thing. How does that relate to him getting and maintaining an erection?

We do joke he'd make a brilliant porn star because of this! :o

[onepieceofcremeegg]

Obviously you only have his word for it that he has climaxed without difficulty in previous relationships. (I'm not suggesting you try and verify this btw).

As I said earlier, and one or two other posters have also mentioned it, the bigger issue for me would be his refusal to discuss a major issue and to acknowledge that you are concerned about it. He is being quite dismissive of you imo.

[Salles]

Ah just seen that he can ejaculate fine on his own. Some men do have a problem intravaginally though. Maybe the TTC issue is playing a part, or perhaps it's not the same friction that he gets with his hand. If you're TTC how does he feel about the possibility of you self inseminating, turkey baster style? :)

[namechangedtoavoidembarassment]

salles thanks. The intimacy is missing from the sessions. I feel very much like i'm going through the motions rather than having sex to feel close to him, whereas it feels from him he's going through the motions because he feels like we should be having sex. Viscious cycle.

I will try and persuade him to go to the doctors about this as it has come to a head now and we need to get this sorted if we are to work through things.

I don't think he even gets the feeling of wanting to orgasm, i haven't really asked, but I will!

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

I'm not sure how to deal with it, but I guess DH needs to learn to respond to gentler movements, to retrain himself almost. (If that's the problem!)

Can he come if you masturbate him? That might be a start.

[namechangedtoavoidembarassment]

onepiece yes I agree. It's frustrating becaue we talk about literally everything else. Nothing is a closed subject - other than this. I cannot emphasise how close we are other than this one HUGE issue :(

salles ha ha yes I'll put that to him and see if he'll entertain the idea of the docs as a preferable option to turkey bastering it!! We're not TTC yet but it is something we want (him more than me oddly enough) in the near future.

[onepieceofcremeegg]

Hope you and he come to a solution soon op.