Shit!!! Did I over-react?

[mrshankly]

Am quite newly separated from husband and have two small children... we split months ago but he only recently moved out. Still finding out feet with this arrangement/seeing kids etc but so far it's been pretty amicable (with the occasional argument).

Most nights he comes here straight from work, puts kids to bed and then goes to his house and tonight was the same but he tinkered about on my computer for a bit before doing the bedtime routine... he often looks at torrent websites that you can basically illegally download stuff from and in the past I've had a problem with this, mainly because some of the adverts are a bit dodgy (not out and out porn but chatlines etc) and I don't like it being looked at while the kids are about...anyway he was looking at the website then must have closed it down and done kids.

When he was getting ready to go I was on the computer and noticed a pop up 'fuck buddies', ad which had obviously been generated by the torrent website, I asked him again not to look at it on my computer in case this kind of thing happened again... he then denied that the website could have done this and it must have been something dodgy I was looking at. Bollocks, so I showed him the internet history and you could clearly see it popped up when looking at this website and again asked could he not look at it here. he then stood in front of me and started intensely at me saying 'i hate you. i fucking hate you'. not loudly but in a very hateful tone. i honestly freaked out and said i wanted him out the house and if he didn't leave i'd call the police.... he changed his tune pretty sharpish when i said he had freaked me out, saying he hadn't meant to but I felt like he was trying to intimidate me and i felt vulnerable... I didn't call the police but he did leave but he has keys for the house, which I asked him to give back as he left and he ignored me.

I'm working all weekend and he's supposed to be looking after the kids in my house (his new place is house share) and I told him not to come, I'd take the weekend off and make other arrangements.

Did i do the right thing? what the hell am I going to do now? We have no family and rely heavily on each other. he's never been physically aggressive (although has chucked stuff about a couple of times during an argument but in 13 years, i've probably done that too a few times) but has been verbally intimidating before although he denies that was his intention.

FUCK.

[fuzzywuzzy]

Put a password on your computer.

[GypsyMoth]

big mistake to have an ex as childcare whilst you work. i'd find someone else. and he should have contact elsewhere,it will only deteriorate into madness,as you are findnig out!!

[HerHissyness]

You felt intimidated and vulnerable.

I don't think you over-reacted at all tbh.

[mrshankly]

thing is i WANT him to see them very regularly as I felt this was the best thing for the kids, they're used to seeing him everyday.... they're very very close to him, plus my job has antisocial hours and I couldn't get anyone else to babysit three times a week until after midnight on a weekday for example... plus I can't afford it anyway.

As his new place is a shared property with a flatemate who has people coming in and out, it's not appropriate to have them round there, esp as they're very young. We have no family either so no neutral ground.

password on computer good idea actually but the way he talked to me was my main concern tonight.

[GypsyMoth]

he will only get worse though.....there is no respect is there?

internet porn.....with you all present
scaring you
ignoring you

take steps now to protect everyone.

[HerHissyness]

Listen. It's a massive big red waving flag in your face the way he spoke to you.

You know it, you felt it. Trust you instincts. Intuition doesn't lie.

You need to sort out some way of covering child care. He needs to up his maintenance to cover the costs tbh. ALL kids are very, very close to their parents, it's programmed, so don't let that cloud your judgement or make a silly decision based on a perceived upset that tbh, would be more in your head than in theirs.

I don't like the sound of him one little bit. How menacing of him!

[LeoTheLateBloomer]

My solicitor has said very firmly never to leave soon-to-be-ex in the house unattended.

I'd be very careful if I were you.

[mrshankly]

to be fair, he wasn't looking at porn, the website obviously triggered a pop up. he wasn't aware of the pop up at the time but yes, i'm not comfortable with that, esp around the children.

i agree with you on the other points...

Have just spoken to him after phoning him. He took very little responsibility, gave a meek apology. said I was over-reacting and it's made HIM rethink our set up. He asked me to write to him to tell him what I wanted to do. This made me absolutely furious and I said I wanted him to make a full apology and a promise he will never behave that way again ie making me feel vulnerable in my own home. He said he wasn't going to do that and hung up.

[GypsyMoth]

well there you go........he's no intention of doing the decent thing by you or the dc

[mrshankly]

I think his intention when he speaks to me like that is to intimidate me but not necessarily scare me... i don't know if that changes it, but it's sooo not acceptable.

[HerHissyness]

Now you know where you stand. I knew I had the right feeling about him. Sorry.

He's dangerous. You need to isolate yourself from him and get child care sorted that doesn't involve him. Don't let him into your home.

[mrshankly]

what the hell do I do now???

I feel so lost.

[openerofjars]

Ew. No wonder he's your ex. That would massively creep me out, too.

He has no respect for you or your boundaries:

He refused to respect your wishes about how your computer is used.

He was verbally abusive and threatening to you.

He refused to give your keys back.

He refused to agree not to intimidate you in the future and couldn't see that you have a right not to be intimidated in your own home.

Keep a diary, go with your gut feelings and report any abuse.

[HerHissyness]

He is using techniques that abusers use. They start out this way, menacing and intimidating, and when the prey starts to become immune to it all, they ramp up the scare methods.

He is trying, at the very least, to bully and manipulate you into doing what he wants you do to, bugger your feelings on the matter, and if you get offended, YOU have to apologise to him???

Get some distance, some detachment, and look at this creature with microscopic vision, don't allow your previous relationship to cloud your view. Don't underestimate him and don't assume that he would never do such and such. I don't think you know him as well as you ought.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Do nothing now. You are freaked and in shock. Give yourself time to get over this before you make any decisions.

[openerofjars]

And I wish I had a magic wand for your childcare. Do you have any family or close friends who could help, even temporarily?

[BelleDameSansMerci]

On a very practical level, he needs to find somewhere to live where the children can visit, I think. I get that it might cost more but I'd suggest it would be worth the investment.

Please don't think I'm being harsh because I'm not posting regarding the emotional stuff - I don't think you're over-reacting btw but I can't judge that stuff well. I don't trust any man but that's about me, not you.

[mrshankly]

Thanks everyone, I don't know who I should speak to in RL about this as I don't want to land all this crap at someone's door... it's such a mess.

On the whole he's a very likable person but was verbally abused by his dad and I think when his back's against the wall, it's his defense mechanism.

Bloody hell, how should I get my keys back? I'm now really uncomfortable with him having the spare set.

[openerofjars]

Sorry, missed the bit re no family in your earlier post.

If you can take the time off from work this weekend I think it would be a good idea. At the very least it gives you some thinking time.

[mrshankly]

I am freaked and i am shocked... we've had this kind of argument before, maybe twice but I'm very surprised he'd risk messing up seeing the children by behaving so disrespectfully towards me. I'm very wary of using them against him though, which is why my head's such a mess. I want to do the right thing here and not make decisions that could have bad repercussions BUT at the same time I feel I have to stick up for myself.... shitshitshit.

[mrshankly]

i think I'm going to have to take this weekend off... I've just been pulled up about attendence after a period of illness aswell! the timing is soooo awful.

[openerofjars]

Change the locks, mate, I'm afraid.

It's your home. Not his. Is having him doing childcare clouding that issue, or making him feel like he still partially lives with you?

Red flags for me are that he feels he can use your computer for inappropriate purposes and that it is not okay for you to pull him up on this, and that he refused to give keys back.

That to me = password change + locksmith!

[oldraver]

Change the locks. If its a Yale type its very easy to do. I think an MNer gave instructions on how to change the lock in a UvPC door so it can be done

[HerHissyness]

DON'T MAKE EXCUSES FOR HIS BAD BEHAVIOUR! Please!

Don't justify it. Many people have had tough upbringings, that doesn't mean they go on to verbally abuse others.

He knows what it's like, so does it to YOU? CRUEL beyond words.

Open your eyes. You don't know this guy at all. The scales are falling from your eyes and he is no longer pretending to be a decent person.

ALL abusers are viewed as wonderful people by those around them.... except their victims.

[openerofjars]

Sorry, am on slow mobile & keep x-posting!

Not doing anything now could also have repercussions. Inaction on your part is acceptance of his behaviour: as soon as you decide what to do, do it.

(Disclaimer: easy for me to say, of course!)