Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Anyone else married to a moaning miserable old git?

(66 Posts)
nomedoit Sun 26-Jun-11 15:27:03

Posted about this before and I am trying but I feel so worn down by this.

Basically my DH moans and groans his way through life. It's especially bad at the weekends. It is the same script every weekend.
"I'm tired, I've got a headache, I need a nap."
He doesn't want to do anything, go anywhere or join in. I feel like a single parent. It really drags me down. I wish he would move out at times. I don't want a divorce. I love him and he is a good, honest person who used to make me laugh and inspire me.

Now he is like a human black hole.

He is NOT depressed. We have gone down that route. He is a builder and manages lots of projects, clients and sub-contractors quite easily. Although there is a lot of drama. Every day there is a new crisis (a batch of roof tiles has a fault - cue weeping and wailing). But he always sorts it out. It is when he gets home, he feels entitled to give up and lie on the couch.

I am ignoring him as much as I can, NOT asking him how he is feeling or making constructive comments. "Why don't you take an aspirin, then?" I go out without him. But I feel it is making me tired and depressed being around him.

nomedoit Sun 26-Jun-11 15:28:48

I mean I am making short, constructive comments/ suggesting solutions.

cybboid Sun 26-Jun-11 15:29:12

Have you asked him

What woudl make you happy because you seem completely pissed off and my sympathy has RUN OUT

nomedoit Sun 26-Jun-11 15:34:01

That is a good question. My fear is that this his personality and that nothing would make him happy. If we go out to dinner, he finds something to moan about.

cybboid Sun 26-Jun-11 15:36:26

Get him to tell you what he is grateful for in his life

Change his perspective. Its very easy to get into the habit of fiding the negative in everything

plonker Sun 26-Jun-11 15:37:19

My dh is

[bad tempered arse emoticon]

kerrymumbles Sun 26-Jun-11 15:38:43

he needs a hobby.

it is that simple

Tortington Sun 26-Jun-11 15:40:18

when my dh starts moaning i have a song and a dance - obviously i cant' show you the tune but it goes like this

moan moan fuckin'moan, fuckin' fuckin' moan moan
moan moan fuckin'moan, fuckin' fuckin' moan moan fuckin; fuckin MOAN!

its the equivalent of a big hand from the sky pointing at him - its like i shine a light on his behaviour whilst lightening the mood and giving him a chance to smile and tell me to fuck off. grin

RickGhastley Sun 26-Jun-11 15:42:09

Has he always been like this OP or has he got worse lately?

You could ask him what has changed to make him so miserable. Then ask him to work on fixing whatever the problem is.

Have you told him the impact his behaviour is having on you? He may not realise you are fed up wih it.

purepurple Sun 26-Jun-11 15:43:19

DH is miserable and moody at times. He fucking annoys the hell out of me, especially when he sulks.
I am not feeling the love at the moment.

nomedoit Sun 26-Jun-11 15:44:17

Can I rent you for the weekend, Custardo?

Yes, I have jumped in too much to try to fix him and then I get frustrated when nothing changes.

nomedoit Sun 26-Jun-11 15:46:03

I think is has been progressive. One of the reasons he is tired I think is because he mentally obsesses about everything and doesn't exercise.

Gay40 Sun 26-Jun-11 15:48:30

I like the sound of the fuckin' moan song. I might make up my own tune

nomedoit Sun 26-Jun-11 15:49:36

Put it on Youtube, please.

Fairenuff Sun 26-Jun-11 15:52:48

It's easy to get in the habit of moaning. Sometimes it's nice to have a good moan. Women tend to do it with their friends and/or 'vent' on mn. It's good to get it off your chest BUT if it's annoying other people it needs to stop. How about a stopwatch? Say to DH OK you have one minute to moan about anything and everything, without interruption. Then I will moan to you for one minute and we're done for the day. Good luck.

nomedoit Sun 26-Jun-11 15:59:17

I think that is a good idea, trying to limit it.

I feel really worn down. It has this effect of sucking the life out of me now. I have a friend whose DH is very similar and over the years he has got worse and I am afraid mine is the same. She copes by doing lots of stuff on her own, takes holidays with her friends, spends time at her office. She has given up trying to change him.

When we go out, I feel as if I am dragging this dead weight behind me. We are supposed to be planning a holiday which involves a long car journey (I'm an expat in the US) and I am backing away from the whole idea. Next year I'm coming back to the UK for a holiday and I have already decided to take my son, is is 19 and he makes me laugh and he wants to do stuff. DH would spend the entire week moaning about (a) being tired from the jet-lag (b) the food (c) the cost of everything

nomedoit Sun 26-Jun-11 16:00:47

Separate lives, isn't it? sad

dwpanxt Sun 26-Jun-11 16:35:41

This is just a bad habit that has been allowed to continue.

He needs to be told how unpleasant it is to hear moaning all of the time.

Either just tell him straight or record his usual moans.He may be very surprised that he's actually saying these things out loud.

My DH fell into this habit during a period when I was so busy I wasn't really listening to him.I pulled him up on it and refused to leave the house with him unless he promised to keep the moans to a minimum.

dwpanxt Sun 26-Jun-11 16:39:27

Forgot to say that this worked a treat.

However he needs a top-up reminder from time to time grin

nomedoit Sun 26-Jun-11 16:56:02

It is a habit but I also wonder if he has an underlying negative personality - if there is such a thing. He is a classic perfectionist and obsesses about a lot of work stuff which I am sure gets mentally exhausting. If a client says anything he mulls it over obsessively, too.

He really was not like this when we met and got married but it seems to be getting worse...

alistron1 Sun 26-Jun-11 17:34:06

My DP can be a bit like this. In the early days of our relationship I used to take it all on board and worry about it and try and help him...his university finals were particularly testing!!!

Nowadays I just ignore the moaning/groaning/complaining.

It's not all the time, but it is a default response to stress/tiredness etc...

DP is a perfectionist BTW. I'm not. I just let him get on with it. However some weekends when I have had a stressful week at work all I want to do is moan/groan/retreat into my shell and have someone look after me. So I'm kind to him and can sort of understand, but I don't pander IYSWIM.

I can't change him, and I can't change me... so I just let it all wash over me and live in my happy world when he's all moany.

If it was ALL the time though it would do my nut in.

madmother1 Sun 26-Jun-11 17:59:18

We'll I've decided to leave my DH. Feel very sad about it , but he is making the whole family miserable, and strangly - now we are talking about parting and I'm looking for houses, he's treating me and the kids better. Even cuddling my DD which is unheard of. Although sad at this decision, he is acting like his father, who recently died (they didn't get on) and I can't tolerate another 25 years with him. Just do your own thing and remain married or leave him ! My Mum has the same problem with her 70 year old DH, he just wants to sleep all day and she is the one - going to various clubs etc, and has told 'the miserable old git' to stay at home if he can't say anything nice !!!

MariaMaria1984 Sun 26-Jun-11 19:55:06

I was married to a moaning, miserable 27 year old git. I could identify a lot of your OP with my H actually....fortunately he left me with our baby so I don't have to worry about it anymore...think he has done me a massive favour, so I can go out there and find someone that actually enjoys life!!!

nomedoit Sun 26-Jun-11 20:13:02

Mad and Maria, I'm sorry that things got to that point.

I think he has a negative personality and his family are the same. It's always going to be a terrible winter, a drought in the summer, the end of the world. I think they enjoy being miserable.

I have talked to him about it on many occasions, he does at least acknowledge his behaviour which helps, and he makes an effort but then relapses. Oddly enough, he can be very funny, observant, witty and crack me up. It's the gloom that descends that drives me insane.

I do, as someone said, need to try to let it wash over me and ignore him as much as possible. Trying to help him honestly seems to make him worse.

He also loves to moan about the neighbours, politics, the weather and his looks...

elmofan Sun 26-Jun-11 20:39:10

I call my dh Victor Meldrew these days <sigh>

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now