Coming clean about crazy exes?

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

A comment in a hot thread at the moment made me think of this.

You know how a (prospective) romantic partner bitching about their crazy ex is meant to be a big red flag that they're actually the one with issues?

Well, what if you really did have a crazy ex, what do you say? Especially if the relationship was abusive.

a) Nothing, as it is unseemly to speak ill of others and only reflects badly on you;
b) Nothing, because you are painting "vulnerable target" on your forehead for future abusers;
c) Say you left an abusive relationship, and be clear to new partner/prospect that you will therefore be insisting on complete respect now;
d) Don't say the "abuse" or "DV" words, just describe factually: "Oh, he did X, Y and Z behaviours, wasn't remorseful or inclined to change and so I left."
e) other?

[anniemosity]

All of the above. I learnt the hard way.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Which one would you recommend, then anniemosity? As some of the options are mutually exclusive, I take it you tried different tacks with different people.

Or does it not matter what you say, just depend on the soundness of the bloke?

[MizzyFizzy]

I started off by saying nothing..so a) was my first port of call...over the years though my tactic has changed to factual accounts so d).

What happened in my past has made me who I am, this has lead to me having to explain my actions to my DH sometimes... otherwise I look like I am making some very odd decisions based on nothing more than whim.

[QueenofWhatever]

I've said nothing initially, then as time passes and the relationship grows I've shared more. Partly to not seem insane and partly not to have 'abuse me' tattooed on my forehead, but mainly I was 'testing' him.

I mean that in the sense of wanting to really find out what he was like and it's been very confusing; he's always pleased to talk to me, not moody, things aren't my fault and he doesn't expect me to sort his life out for him. Sounds obvious to people in non-abusive relationships, but it's been a bit of a revelation. Also I've known him for a very long time but he's come back into my life after a twenty year gap so I think I already knew he was a decent person.

Now we have got to that stage where he knows (still not all of it), I find it easier to say this makes me vulnerable or I don't trust you but it's me and not you and he's OK with it.

So lots of time and patience, then the trust builds up.

[buzzsore]

I think, on its own, one 'crazy ex' doesn't have to be a red flag. It's in combination with other red flags, or multiple alleged crazy exes.

And agree with QueenofWhatever.