Argh, help me with this sex/communication thing

[Hanonymouse]

I've namechanged.
DH & I have a 28 yr relationship (we're 44) and 2 dc (youngest 10). Our life has been very 'rollercoaster' with several periods of intense stress, business, health, family worries. It's had a knock-on effect on our sex life which has been sometimes fabulous, mostly OK and sometimes non-existent for long periods (15 months once!). Neither of us are great communicators about this - the dry periods usually end with a big row and a frantic making-up.
I've been unwell for the last year, suffering dreadful fatigue. We have managed to make love about once a month. I recently started some new medication and I'm feeling better about my health, my confidence, my belly. I'd like to start working on the fabulous again.
We had a lovely night last week. However when he mentioned using a vibrator I said I didn't think so as DD next door sleeps quite lightly nowadays. So we carried on as we were, happily.
I texted him next day (Fri) asking if he fancied a repeat performance that night. Got a lukewarm response. When he came in from work, he seemed a bit off, not speaking much, very uncommunicative. I had hoped he might come in, give me a 'significant' kiss rather than just a peck, or make a reference to my text etc, just let me know he had been thinking about it and was looking forward to it. I know I was. Nothing - he sat on the sofa for an hour with not a word to say.
Eventually I got annoyed and said so. He said I had said we shouldn't get excited around the dc. WTF? This seemed to go back to the remark about using a vibrator at 11pm in the room next to dd. We rowed, and the weekend was full of 'atmosphere', rather than the loving weekend I had hoped for.
I know that with a teenager and a pre-teen around we can't be at it on the kitchen table during Eastenders, but when you're trying to re-establish your sex life don't you need to show willing, appreciation, enthusiasm, encouragement to each other. Last week we had sat next to each other on the sofa for 3 nights each knowing that the other was interested in having sex but he couldn't bring himself to make any mention of it. Last month, the sex drought was ended by me telling him one lunchtime 'go upstairs we need to have sex'.
What can I do to make him show his feelings more? As I said, this has been an issue in the past so I don't quite understand why it's only now on the verge of becoming a dealbreaker. I really feel like saying that we should just have a marriage in name only.
There are no issues in the background - I know he loves me, he's not having an affair, neither am I.
Any thoughts - I just want us BOTH to work together to get back to a nice, relaxed atmosphere about sex, without all this tension.
I'm sorry, this is much longer than I meant it to be, do feel free to nod off.

[RedGreenBlue]

OP, is it fair to say you're the one that does the chasing (as it were)?

Possible that he might feel pressured (eg "go upstairs we need to have sex")

Some men can find it difficult to be the chasee, but not clear from your OP if sometimes he's up for it and you're not?

[Hanonymouse]

He is always up for it. His 'ideal' would be sex every second night. Obviously, with my record, he has had to be very patient at times!
Clearly, I had to coax that information out of him (probably when he was drunk).
He has no problems performing, and no health problems. He just can't seem to convey whether he would like to have sex or not. Not a kiss, not a look, not a bum pinch, not a suggestive remark, not even a crass double entendre.
I sound like I belong in a Carry On film - ooer missus! - but I would just like to feel that there are times when he can't imagine anything nicer than going to bed with Me.

[SarahBumBarer]

I'm a bit confused about what the issue is (sorry). What was there to row so much about over a whole weekend? Is he sulking because you nixed the idea of using the vibrator?

If he struggles to show his feelings more (did you mean specifically about sex or more generally) does that mean that suggesting the use of the vibrator to spice things up was a big deal for him or is that something you would often do? It's just that suggesting a vibrator seems quite bold compared to someone who would sit on a sofa too "shy" to initiate sex so I'm wondering if that was more effort for him than you realised?

In what way is it now a "dealbreaker" (to you or to him and exactly why)

Sorry if I am missing the obvious/being obtuse.

You haven't really gone so quickly from wanting things to be "fabulous" again to wondering if you should have a marriage in name only have you? If so then is there more to it?

And sorry to end on a flippant note - but just how noisy is your vibrator?

[Hanonymouse]

I appreciate that having to be patient in the past might make him feel that any indication from him might be construed as putting pressure on me.
But I have made it clear that I'd like us to work on having more fun together. I had texted him accordingly on the day in question!

[Hanonymouse]

Oh no vibrators not an issue here, not unusual at all. However, it was the first time it had been suggested for quite a while, and dd has been waking up to her clock ticking recently.
By the by, I changed the batteries in it ready for the next night as dd is particularly tired on Fri, as I thought he might enjoy.
Sarah that's what's annoying - in bed he is quite daring (very good in fact). But the lead up to it is a nightmare.
He's not exactly Mr Open in other areas, but he gets by.

[RedGreenBlue]

Possibly it's a control thing (and I don't mean that one of you is trying to control the other - explanation below)

My situation is that I have a much higher sex drive than my DW. Often that's fine but sometimes it can get a little tough (if it goes to a low ebb - ie a few months). Occasionally it can feel that, if there is any "action", it's controlled by DW. Because I'm always "up for it" (not pushy, just always available...), it can feel like DW gets what she want when she wants it, and I get to be involved only when she wants.

Possibly he's feeling a little bit like that too - and the "no vibrator" thing may have felt like another little thing to add to it - ie controlling what can and can't happen during sex.

I'll reiterate that I'm not saying you are being controlling at all, I'm just giving a possible explanation for his reaction.

Him saying no to you might (subconsciously at least) have been a way for him to re-gain some control in your sex life, and not be the one that gets told what to do and when to do it.

This sounds harsh and machiavellian, and it's not meant to be. Curse my male inability to articulate feelings properly...

[queenbathsheba]

If he would like sex very regularly and in the past there has been a drought maybe he is frightened of being rejected if he shows any interest. Maybe he is confused by the signals you give him and can't quite believe that you are up for it.

I think it would be fair to say that most women like a "lead up" and most men assume that intimacy and flirting will lead to sex. However men don't need to play cat and mouse, women often do even when they don't want sex.

In view of the fact that he is confused make it simple. Surprise him. I think he needs to trust you and feel that you are not just flirting and that you won't reject him. Perhaps its up to you to take a risk. Like others say sometimes it's about power and control.

[AnyFucker]

You have had excellent advice here

So I am going to do the shallow reply thing (for once)

LoveHoney.com do some really good quiet vibrators

good luck x

[Sarah159]

Do you know how he really feels about your sex life and its history? In other similar circumstances I've heard words like "rejected, criticised, vulnerable, silly, put down, unattractive" from the man who has initially been cross, or huffy or blamed the woman. You've been really honest about your communication difficulties - it sounds like there are maybe more sensitivities and hurt within your dh's feelings than are initially apparent - attack (as in being moody or sulky) is often a defensive thing.