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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

is this a EA tactic?

14 replies

bejeezus · 13/06/2011 13:13

I, alledgedly, have spoilt - no RUINED, our kids..it is entirely MY fault that DD1 doesnt listen to a word 'D'H says and he has trouble getting her to do ANYTHING without her crying, I undermine him all the time..

--My take on this is; she doesnt listen to anyone much, she is stubborn and determined and her head is very busy with princesses and fairies. The reason HE finds it difficult is because he has never spent enough time with her. Ive raised her by myself (although we have been living as a 'family')- he has lived along side her basically and has been absent (AWOL) alot. As soon as interaction gets tricky or discipline is needed he screeches for me to intervene...and then starts berating me for spoiling her yadaa yadaa yadaa...so how is she suppossed to have any respect for him? As I have done it all myself, how very dare he blame HIS failure to have a relationship with his daughter on ME?! AND YES I probably DO undermine him..because his attitude stinks!! quite often I agree with my DDs rationalisation (at 6yo mind!!!) over his lily-livered patheticness. When he does decided to discipline her, he embarks on a long rambling explanation that goes on and on and on and on.....its boring, the point is lost and I have stopped listening after 30 seconds let alone a 6 yo.

he said IN FRONT OF HER today that 'he doesnt like dealing with this child' and in the next breath thta he thinks he will take dd2 with him when he moves out!!!! AaaaAAAARgghhh...he makes me sick

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geffacake · 13/06/2011 13:14

he needs to be able to control his own behaviour first

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Chuckles78 · 13/06/2011 13:28

If she sees you undermining him than that surely is going to have an impression on her and how she reacts to him. You openly admit you undermine him so how is she expected to show him any respect when you don't? I'm sure there's a lot of frustration on your part as you've already said he's not really there for the kids but it seems like you have completely eroded his confidence as a father. That doesn't however excuse his outbursts which are totally out of order.

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bejeezus · 13/06/2011 22:14

i undermine him because most of what he says is wrong-on so many levels..

also, i think HE undermines ME by being completely uninvolved and neglecting his responsibility as a father 95% of the timeand then expecting us all to dance to his tune for the 1/2 hour that he decides he would quite like a familydont you think?

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FabbyChic · 13/06/2011 22:16

You should never undermine him in front of your children, that stinks.

You take him to one side and discuss things with him not make him look like an asshole in front of the kids.

It's childish and pathetic.

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bejeezus · 13/06/2011 22:21

i will undermine him in front of the kids if what he is saying is damaging to the kids- i want them to know that i will protect them and their self esteem-even from their father, if needs be

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IWantWine · 13/06/2011 22:46

well, been there, got the hat and t shirt....

I just wish I had understood what was happening at the time.

My kids are totally screwed up. May be that is an exaggeration, but certainly they are with regards to their relationships! So, whatever it takes, it really needs sorting out.

Like it is often said... it is about deeper issues here.

And I dont accept that you are responsible for your DH's relationship with his DD! That is between them, as long, obviously, as you are not making any detrimental comments to your daughter regards her DF.

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bejeezus · 13/06/2011 22:50

no-i am very careful not to slag him off in front of the kids- dds LOVE their dad

iwantwine-are you able to expand on how your kids are messed up over relationships? how old are they?

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babyhammock · 13/06/2011 23:06

I'd like iwantwine to expand too.. I'm really interested to hear what she thinks.

Beejeezus, I've just left a very abusive ex who was also here very little (4 times a month at best) He was awful when he was here and despite hardly being around would critise me for always giving into DS and 'pandering' to him. He would expect everyone to just fall in line for him when he decided to grace us with his presence.

After a while you just get on things don't you

As for letting them know you'll protect them...absolutely x

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bejeezus · 13/06/2011 23:15

yes you do just on on with it...it took me a long time and a lot of heart ache to accept that i was going to have to do it all by myself-so it makes me fucking furious to be criticised and blamed. I didnt WANT to do it on my own, i would have LOVED some fatherly input from him. i strongly suspect his input now isnt really because he is concerned that the children need better parenting, i wonder if he REALLY cares that he cant communicate with his DD-I think, its just another angle to get at me from...

sorry youve been through it babyhammock

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babyhammock · 13/06/2011 23:35

I think you're right about jst being another 'thing' to have a go at you about.
If having an input was remotely important to him then he wouldn't have left everything to you... simple

I know where you are.. everything was left to me. He'd then have a go at me about how his opinions on stuff to do with DS didn't matter and that I just did what I wanted with him (like going out!... to baby places... without permission!). Er what opinion? He never had one. Well only if it had something to do with controlling me..

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IWantWine · 13/06/2011 23:39

Well it is a whole big can of worms! How long have you got? :)

I realised some years ago (when I discovered MN) that my 'D'H is verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive.

Things came to a head for me and I left, suddenly, and eventually found somewhere else to live. Our children are young adults and I left them here. I felt really awful and I still do, but I had reached the end of my tether!

I couldnt afford to support myself and my DH froze our joint account so, (I have worked all my life) I had no access to my own money. I was forced to come back to the marital home and here I am! I am just trying to illustrate the situation because relationships are so very complex.

Anyway... my DH has always been very close to our DS, who is our eldest. He has never really bonded with our DD, and I guess, as we are both female we get along very well, DD and I. I am certain that my DH is very jealous of my relationship with our DD.

I love our DS but our relationship is 'distant'. Difficult to explain but I should say, he has been very intimidating to me and he bullies his sister. I feel as if I have let her down badly, because she is living in an environment that is not happy for her and she doesnt feel safe. DH constantly blames me for the fact that he has no relationship with our DD and she has no respect for him. All he ever does is criticise her. He, on the other hand, cannot do enough for our son. Which to me is totally unforgiveable. It puts me in a position where I feel I have to support her and try to make up for the differences in the way she is treated by her DF against the way he treats her brother. And of course, I am blamed and accused of favouritism!!!!!!

I guess to try to put in in a nutshell, the end result of living in an abusive relationship is that our DS's attitude towards women mirrors that of his DF, and myself and our DD are subject to bullying, abuse, intimidation and add to that now, financial abuse, because I have to work otherwise I wouldnt have a penny to spend.

I say I have to work, we were both retired. He is living off his private pension, I know he has a few thousand pounds in his own account, whereas I am spending everything I earn on food and petrol for myself and my daughter, she works but not full time.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing :) I can only urge you to listen to the advice given here. It comes in many forms, and if something doesn't feel right for you, then it isnt right.

I was told that I should be happy, my DH was faithful, we have a lovely house (notice I dont say 'home' it was never a home)...but so many other things were wrong and I papered over each and ever crack!

But hey, every cloud has a silver lining.. I love my job. I dont earn a lot but I get a huge amount of satisfaction from it. I know this situation with my 'D'H wont last forever. I will eventually have my own place. At least now, I have found the courage to live my life, I can walk out of my own door and not have to spend hours explaining where I am going, who I am seeing and why! :)

Trouble is I cant undo the damage done to our children, and all of our relationshps with each other :(

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babyhammock · 14/06/2011 00:05

Thanks for sharing Iwantwine
I'm so sorry that happened.
Your story was/is what I'm afraid of most. I cant bear the idea of DS learning this kind of thing from his dad.

Wrt your DD... that's exactly how I think he would have been if we'd had a little girl. Women are just so worthless to him x

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pickgo · 14/06/2011 00:20

To answer your original question OP, in this context yes I think it is an EA tactic.
Have you got a long-term plan?

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bejeezus · 14/06/2011 09:56

yes- thanks iwantwine for sharing. I also am very sorry that you went through that--hearing your story and ohers makes me more and more determined to end this and have a healthy happy environment for my dds- You are really helping me and probably others. I hope thta is some comfort to you.

I do have a plan-its not even long term- I am divorcing him and he is leavingbut predictably he is not leaving without making it difficulthave seen a lawyer and his lawyer has said we need to go into mediation-so waiting for that appointment. Ive tried to end it many times before, but never got this far-and I know Im not changing my mind this time-there were a few straws which broke the camels back.