Nasty, Aggresive Over-REaction from DP

[CoffeeBeany]

The kids always have something for after their tea. We call it "afters" which I'm sure is common in other families. Sometimes it's a bit of icecream, cake or yogurt but yesterday I remembered I had a huge bag of monster munchines that needed using up and the kids love them so I spoke to DP in the kitchen and said "the kids can have a packet of monster munchies each for afters. He said "crisps for after tea? no they can have yogurt" So I was like "err, I'm allowed a say in this remember!? they can have yogurt or crisps" so he said "They can have a yogurt".

So at this point one of the children finishes their tea and comes in the ask what's for afters. DP jumps in with "yogurt" so I add "or there's some monster munchies in the cupboard if you fancy a pack of them".

Well DP literally threw the tea-towel he was holding on the side and shouted "HOW FUCKING PATHETIC! YOU HAVE TO GO AGAINST ME ON EVERYTHING DON'T YOU? ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE YOUR OWN FUCKING WAY! DON'T YOU??" this was in front of DS who is 12 and who simply raised an eyebrow and muttered "woah chill out, it's only crisps!".

I told DS to take the crisps up to his room and I left the kitchen to get away from nut-job but he followed me and carried on screaming and shouting at me.

He later admitted he over-reacted but as usual, never apologised. I wasn't in the wrong to insist on having a say in what my own kids eat, right?

[Bucharest]

Tell him he's the one who is pathetic, and bossy.

Also tell him you will not be spoken to like that again, either in front of your children or alone.

The food is a red herring (fnar) He behaved like an arse.

[CoffeeBeany]

I said something along those lines but the problem is he is so controlling. this is why he blew it all out of proportion, because he lost control of the situation and saw me insisting on doing something my way for once instead of just agreeing with him.

[lookingfoxy]

Wow thats really over the top.
I would start doing more and more things to establish your own control back and if he acts like that, well........ I'd tell him to sod off and sort himself out tbh.

[Butterbur]

This isn't really about the crisps, is it? Who cares whether you allow your children a savoury or sweet after dinner treat? It's about him being controlling in general.

[Bucharest]

It's about him being obnoxious and putting her down in front of the children. Whether he has a point about the Monster Munch (and thinking about them, he probably does...) is not part of the problem here.

Does he do it for other stuff?

[Anniegetyourgun]

He may have a point on health grounds (not that I agree with it, but then I'm a hopeless fatty) but he overruled her first. She didn't go flatly against something he had said, he went flatly against her, and then screamed because she didn't go along with it. Which suggests that he believes he is The Head Of The Household and everybody else should do as they are told, by him, the boss. An adult would have had a quiet, serious discussion about the kids' diet if that was an issue (that said, the crisps were already in the cupboard so when exactly were they going to be eaten?)

[EmLH]

Do you always have the final say though? Because if you do then he might be of the opinion that you ignore his viewpoints. From past experience, my husband once said he felt belittled by me thinking I knew better when it came to decisions about our DD. As a sahm I usually do (!), purely because I'm with her all the time and therefore know her routine, what she likes and doesn't like etc, but since then I've tried to include him more and let him decide certain things. Arguments always start over little things like this so sometimes it's best to let them go. The kids could always have had yoghurt and had the crisps the day after.

Not that any of this excuses speaking to you that way in front of the kids, I'm just saying he might be feeling dismissed as a parent. Perhaps ask him if this is the case and if that's why he got so cross?

[fiveisanawfullybignumber]

It was a vast over reaction and shouldn't have been done infront of your DS, but then again, if he'd just said he was against crisps for afters and you suggested them, he's going to feel like that isn't he.
Sometimes it's the principle not the actual thing that's happened that's the problem. I'd have probably gone for the yogurt as it's a bit of a healthier choice.
If DH went against my wishes when I just said something similar I'd be most upset. It would feel like my views are unimportant, just to be ignored. Could this be an indication that you both need to communicate better and listen more to each other feelings. Sometimes, with me it's not the thing I react to thats the issue but the understory. I've been working on trying to voice my true concerns rather than just going off on one at supposedly random things.
Is he always like this, or maybe does he feel his views are undervalued, and as such is overreacting to little things?

[fiveisanawfullybignumber]

X post EmLH

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Coffeebeany,

Why are you with him exactly?. What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Think your DS was and remains very perceptive here.

There is no justification for your man's actions. None.

This is not about crisps, yogurt or afters; this is about him wanting to exert control. He is likely the same in other areas of your relationship as well. Your man wanted to impose his choice on both you and these children and when you overrode his desires, he exploded.

Are these his children or is he their stepfather?.

I would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

[GreenTeapot]

Hmm. I'm torn. We've had arguements over similar issues. I do tend to steamroll over DP sometimes, unthinkingly. Then he gets irate and unreasonable in return.

You can't excuse the way he spoke to you but you may be able to explain it. I know you said he's controlling the rest of the time but he sounds resentful to me. Only you know whether this is his problem or a problem with both of you.

[EightiesChick]

There are a number of possible explanations for this but 2 are the leading contenders:

1. This is part of a series of events where you overrule him about decisions re the kids and he has now exploded over it after simmering for a while.
   
   
2. This is part of a pattern of controllin behaviour by him in which he can't bear for anyone but him to have the last word.
   
   Both would need addressing; 2 is considerable more serious. Either way, it's about more than a packet of crisps. As GreenTeapot says above, you need to work out who the problem lies with (though you probably know). How much of a history of this is there?

[TeamDamon]

Hmm - he shouldn't have spoken to you like that in front of your DS but on the other hand, he clearly didn't want them to have crisps after their tea but you didn't respect that. Crisps or yoghurt - well, one has some nutritional value and the other has none, but that's not really the point here, is it? It sounds as if you both need to talk about how you parent and whether he is feeling dismissed as a parent (his comments in the heat of the moment suggest some built up resentment) and how you might compromise on matters like this.

Or you could go the much loved MN route: he's an abusive, controlling bastard, he'll never change, leave him.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I said something along those lines but the problem is he is so controlling. this is why he blew it all out of proportion, because he lost control of the situation and saw me insisting on doing something my way for once instead of just agreeing with him".

Compromise is not a word in the controlling man's vocabulary.

The OP wrote the above and I think she has acquiesced to his needs on a lot of previous occasions ultimately to her own cost. Anyway, why should anyone let alone the initial poster have to learn to put up and shut up in the face of such behaviour.

We would not tolerate this type of language (him using base language in the course of his rant to his partner and in front of a 12 year old is just wrong on all sorts of levels) from anyone in the street; why should this be tolerated within the home?.

This is not and have never been about crisps and afters; this is about a desire to exert his will over everyone around him i.e his word is final.

[anice]

i think you behaved badly on this too. Why couldn't you try to discuss it with him when he first said he didn't want the children to have monster munch instead of just trying to get your own way?

I guess you knew that the kids would go for the crisps which is why you wanted to give them the casting vote?

Actually i don't blame him for being infuriated if this is how you behave. Maybe you both have something to apologise for??

[Bucharest]

This is not about crisps.

[TeamDamon]

No-one is saying that she should put up and shut up in terms of how he talked to her in front of their DS.

I think, given the single example the OP has given us, it is likely that this is about more than food, but in relation to the way they interact with each other, not necessarily all about the way he interacts with her.

[Amateurish]

OP - your DP was clearly in the wrong for behaving like that and his behavious was unacceptable and totally out of order.

However, I also think you did not deal with the situation well and this may be part of a pattern of overruling your DP (as he suggests).

You say "I wasn't in the wrong to insist on having a say in what my own kids eat, right?". But you were in the wrong to ignore your DP's views and overrule him, which you did.

Objectively, I agree with your DP, Monster Munch is not appropriate for "afters" although obviously, this isn't really the point.

[Amateurish]

Just to add - he didn't apologise when he should have done (although admitting he overreacted is an apology, of sorts). But you didn't apologise either, and I personally would have been upset if my DP had acted as you did.

[Merrylegs]

He was clearly a loon to kick off at you, and his behaviour was unasseptabul however I'm with anice on this one. I think you trumped his yoghurt with your crisps comment knowing it would be chosen.

Wasn't he right, anyway? Yoghurt is a far more suitable dessert than crisps. Giving your kids an unhealthy snack 'just because they need 'using up' is mad, actually. And they are his kids too. Why shouldn't he have a say?

You both sound very irritated with each other, actually.

To paraphrase your very wise child - "woah, chill out. It's only afters."

[wannaBe]

I'm not entirely sure why monster munch needs using up? it doesn't have that tight a use-by date does it? certainly not in comparison to yoghurt anyway.

Tbh there are two issues really.

The first is that no, of course he was in the wrong to have spoken to you like that.

The second issue though is that of control, and you said that surely you weren't in the wrong for having a say in what your children eat, yet by overriding what your dp said you blatantly made the point that he doesn't have a say. So why is this statement right for you but not for him?

It does sound as if you are the one insisting you get your own way and that he has become frustrated with that.

[SenoritaViva]

Your husband behaved incredibly badly, no he should not have shouted nor behaved like that. Not acceptable.

However, (and on a different level) I don't think you behaved that well either. They are crips FFS and therefore could have waited another day for afters. Your husband had said how he felt about the yoghurt and you could have spoken about it later and come up with a compromise. Instead you interjected and over rode him, he having just said what he thought was best for the kids. My husband, who is not at all controlling, would have hated me doing this, he likes to have a say with our kids, we do it together and don't just over rule one another. I think you are both vying for control and not working cohesively as a team. Sorry, I've just made it sound like work.

[happytourer]

It's hard to judge here without more information. Ideally, you would have settled the argument before it got to the dessert choice.

I can see this from both sides. Ok, he shouldn't have shouted, but maybe you were being unreasonable. I don't think we can start the "leave him" shouts just yet.