The ex on my mind

[KashaUK]

I had a partner [Tom] who was my first love, the relationship ended not badly but not great due to the involvement of an abusive ex who chased Tom off and manipulated me - I made the wrong choice by going back with the abusive ex, I chose brain over heart and have kept doing this since then.

It's been ten years since things ended with Tom...I still love him, I think about him every single day, no matter how hard I try to forget about him he's just too deep under my skin. Whenever I'm happy in a relationship he shows he still cares for me and it confuses me, it makes my relationships so hard...this situation has occurred over and over in the past ten years.

Currently I have a wonderful partner [Mark], he's my longest relationship and I love him, we are looking to move in together and start a family. Mark provides for me as I can't work right now - I hate this, that I have to stay with him as I'd not manage without him, so that no matter how much I might love him it still feels like I owe him...because I do, he's sacrificed a lot to take care of me. I want to be with him, I just hate the feeling that I have no choice or freedom.

Tom and I stay in contact, he seems more forthcoming with his emotions these days, since his mother died, he's still shy though. Talking to him the other day he told me how much he misses me and that he'd leave him girlfriend for me - in the ten years we've been apart the timing has always been off, either I'd been with someone or he has, we'd have left ex's for each other in the past if only we had made our feelings clear to each other.

Now it's too late - I'm with Mark!
Even if I was willing to leave Mark it'd not work with Tom because Tom doesn't work either so he'd never be able to provide for me and once I'm working again I'd have to take care of him, it'd be going into a new relationship and after ten years of putting each other on pedestals that may be very short-lived, and even if it did all work out I can't be sure he'd want to commit in the same way that Mark does...kids, marriage, etc.

I love Mark, he annoys me occasionally, he can be a little possessive and needy...but he understands me and cares for me more than I think it is possible for anyone can care for another person. Still though, I can't stop thinking about Tom, and the fact Tom has said this has me thinking what would happen if I left Mark, if Tom will still be around if I break-up with Mark, if there is any other way to be with Tom.

I love Mark but it feels like brain over heart a little, I shouldn't be with Mark for his ability to provide for me and commit...but then isn't that why we do tend to get into relationships, to have the kids, the home, the future - a relationship without any of these things to me would be pointless. This isn't my only reason for being with Mark, I do love him and want to be with him it's just it's hardly the best time at the moment...'grass is always greener'.

I feel like the most horrible person in the world because I love Mark...but I love Tom too...the idea of never being with him again scares me, but the idea of being without Mark scares me more...I'M SO CONFUSED!

How the hell do I stop thinking about Tom and remember that I love Mark, who is such a wonderful man?

[KashaUK]

Please be kind