husband has been having an email affair with a MUCH younger woman

[lovelovelovebeingamummy]

I tried to log onto facebook the other day to discover my husband had not logged off and a whole conversation he had had with another woman came up. TO begin with I thought it was a joke and as I read more I realised it was real. I know her- she is a student and 20 years younger than us. The sort of girl you always thought you would like to have as a babysitter. That kind of thing! So I read the conversation, which contained sexual suggestiveness from both of them, and was the kind of conversation I remember having when I first met dh 5 years ago. It also talked about coming up to their anniversary- a WHOLE YEAR of this without me knowing! And I gave birth to our second child a year ago, which makes me even more angry!
Confronted him with it when he got home, and he maintains that nothing has ever happened- they haven't even kissed. I don't know if I believe him and I have given him every opportunity to tell the truth. He says they have had these online conversations about 20 times but that he has never seen her on his own. We have seen her together out and about and had chats etc and the thought that the two of them are laughing at me behind my back makes me feel sick.
I don't know whether I believe him and I don't know how to trust him again. We have a 3 year old and a nearly 1 year old and I can't bear the thought of us splitting up. I am pretty tough so I think I can weather it but whether or not it is the right thing to do who knows... THe hardest thing is that I can't talk about it to anyone because if I do, our friends and family will be so angry wiht him that it will spoil our relationships in other ways. Which is why I am posting here, hoping that some sensible and kind other mums can give me some support! I am feeling pretty lonely and pretty angry right now. And confused! Please help if you can!

[BerylOfLaughs]

Wow, I'd be furious. It's impossible for you to know whether or not they have been having a physical affair or not. I'd be inclined to assume that they were so as not to be further disappointed.
I honestly don't know what I would do but I would try not to jump to any hasty conclusions. Tell him you want time to think and talk and will make any decisions that need to be made when you are ready. You have to decide whether trust can ever be rebuilt and what would be necessary to achieve that.

[proudnscaryvirginmary]

I don't believe him for a second - to my knowledge no man has ever admitted more than he needs to.
I'm gutted for you, but you need to start from the position that he has had a year long sexual affair. I can't bear the thought of you 'wasting' a year or two or more with him not confessing to the full extent and it eventually coming out, so I think you need to get your head round this now.
I am no expert on affairs (though I have several friends who's husbands have cheated and none have ever admitted to them), many on here are though so they will help you.
I'm really really sorry you have been put in this agonising place x

[MaxSchreck]

Other than saying that he's never slept with/kissed her etc, what is he saying?
Is he apologetic?
Does he think he has been out of order?
Has he said he will cut off contact with her?

[proudnscaryvirginmary]

And you need to talk about it in real life - can you see a counsellor?
You are right that you might be able to work it out and find a way through this and stay married if that is what you want, and that is what he wants.
GOOD LUCK

[SuePurblybilt]

Sorry, I'm with proud. I had a very similar thing (fecking FB) and let it go. Much later I found more evidence - it had happened again, he was trying to spark up similar conversations with other women and similar nobbery.

The trouble with him denying anything has happened is that you're made to feel irrational about being so upset and angry, which is shit. It also means (again, just in my experience) that he eventually starts to justify the behaviour in his own mind. He's never really sorry because 'nothing happened'.

It is, of course, up to you and every situation is very different. But I'd be insisiting on a no FB/no seeing this woman rule, Relate or similar and some very firm communication about ground rules and deal breakers if you do want to work things out.

[LittleBlueBoat]

Sorry this might not help but....

My friend is 29 and living with a man who is 51 and they are both going thru devoices at the mo.

Age makes no difference.

Sorry you are going thru this.

[MorticiaAddams]

If he's saying they've only had about 20 of these conversations and never met without you then what is the upcoming anniversary for?

One year is just too long for nothing else to have happened.

[lovelovelovebeingamummy]

Wow what a great response and so quickly! (First time I have ever posted anything). Have made him "defriend" her and I wrote her a very plain talking message about what she was doing and what I thought of her actions... to give her credit she replied and was fully ashamed of herself but sadly that doesn't change what has happened. He is very upset and embarrassed and says he hates that he has hurt me so much. He says he really loves me and can't bear the thought of being apart from me. And I believe that. BEcause we are actually great together! I wish wish wish I could KNOW if he had sex or not- I am almost up for asking her to tell me but that might be a bit weird.
SuePurblybilt- nobbery is a GREAT word and sums up blokes and their selfish egotistical selves perfectly! Actually made me smile so thank you!
I have said if I find out he has been lying/ does it again, then I am out of here. Fair enough?

[SuePurblybilt]

Gosh, I think you're letting him away lightly (but I realise I am bitter and biased ). I have to echo Morticia - wtf is the anniversary about if they haven't dated/shagged?

It does sound like apart from this you have a good marriage, would you consider Relate or similar? I would say it would be a hard thing to work through without help.

[TheOriginalFAB]

I would be inclined to ask her if they used contraception when they had sex. You might get an answer then that will tell you what you need to know.

[lovelovelovebeingamummy]

Good idea.

[proudnscaryvirginmary]

They. Have. Had. Sex.

Tell him you have to know the truth in order for the marriage to survive. Tell him you KNOW they had a sexual relationship.

I understand that you need to know, you need evidence. If he doesn't tell you then snoop, snoop, snoop and yes try trickery as above.

I have had two friends recently who were lied to over and over, extremely convincingly, both had non-bastard-type husbands. Both men lied. You just don't have a year long sexy-talking relationship with someone you are really hot for without it spilling over into RL. And you don't talk about your anniversary.

[Vix1980]

TheOriginalFAB wonderful idea that i would definatly use, i would even ask him if he had used contraception when they had sex, he may believe this other woman has confessed to you so he may aswell be honest about it now. To be honest id be worried if they said no and he has continued to have sex with you, what if anything could he have passed onto you. I understand you may be fragile right now with 2 small children but wouldnt you rather find out now and get it out the way rather than letting it go living without any trust between you only to find out he did have sex and had probably moved onto someone else as you have denied him contact (and quite rightly) from this woman.

[coccyx]

You can't say for definite they have had sex!
Awful for you though. I would need to know the truth. The bit about asking her if they used contraception is a great idea.

[amberlight]

If it's just a friendship, why the heck was he hiding these 20 sexually suggestive conversations from you?
Would he be happy for you to read them all?

Anyone can have friends - but hiding stuff from a partner and making it something sexual (the tone, the content) is a sure sign that he was uncomfortable with you knowing how he feels about this young lady. And clearly he's not tried to be sensible about those feelings either.
Horrible situation for you....

[loopylou6]

Brill idea fab

[buzzsore]

I think you need to do more to show what he's done is unacceptable than just threaten to leave next time - because if he isn't shit-scared of losing you over this time, it'll be easy for him to resume or start up with another OW. He'll just think you'll get over it again, should you find out. He'd be on the sofa or to Relate or something.

I also don't think 20 flirty FB in a year sounds likely to be judged worthy of an 'anniversary'. I think there's probably more to uncover.

[buzzsore]

'He should be on the sofa', not 'he'd be'. [sigh]

[lovelovelovebeingamummy]

I asked her if they had used contraception and she replied that they have never had any physical contact, it was all conducted via email, and that she could never have done it. And I think I believe her. So thank you TheOriginalFAB for that idea. He has been working away the last two days so when he gets back I feel that we can continue where we left off (still lots of unanswered questions- why why why etc) but that he might actually have been telling the truth about the sex. I mean, I can't actually think how he would have managed to see her anyway, because the only times I can think he has been away from us I know for sure where he has been.

He said that he enjoyed the attention and it was flattering to receive the emails, and that he thinks they were both just saying what the other wanted to hear. He said he felt a bit attention deprived.. is that a surprise, with two small children?!!!!

[TheOriginalFAB]

I hope you can work things out for the best.

[amberlight]

There's nothing wrong with enjoying some flattering attention. The thing is, why did he hide it? I have some admirers and my dh knows about them and we share the situation together as a bit of light relief, knowing that we love each other and wouldn't stray. It's the hiding it that is the worry. As for him feeling a bit attention-deprived, how did he think you felt? And feel now? Goodness me, not exactly gentlemanly behaviour from him for the lovely mum of his two lovely children.

[talie101]

In my case, exh and OW had, (he said) ONLY an email/text relationship for quite a few years of our marriage. They both denied anything, other than 'friendship'. He convinced me I had nothing to worry about (I trusted him after all - he was the last person I thought would have an affair!). She was convincing too and made me believe I was actually the crazy one for even thinking such a thing! We stayed in the marriage a while longer but my gut feeling (although I didn't want to trust it) was that something wasn't quite right.

Putting it mildly, she was actually a scheming manipulative b'tch who knew exactly what she was doing and reeled him in slowly. And him?, well I have no words!!! - THEY ARE NOW TOGETHER AND MARRIED!!

Look carefully and don't be in denial. I hope it doesn't end up this way for you. Good Luck.

[Pandygirl]

I'm really sorry that you're going through this, and if you're happy with their explanations then I'd leave it at that.....but what the hell was the one year anniversary about? That smacks of something more......

[QuintessentialOldMoo]

So, where has he been the last two days then? With her?
I am sure he managed to convey his side of the story to her, so she would be able to say exactly the same as him.

Sorry. I dont believe this for a moment.

[Doha]

I'm with Quint.
He has had plenty of time to school her on what to say over the past few days. Are you sure he has been at work this weekend. Are you sure that you know where he was every second of every day over the past year. This one year anniversay means something to themsome thing big and memorable. I really hope you are not so naive that you think it was the start of a text friendship. He is hurt and embarressed-yes but only that he has been caught, nothing more.
He has a lot more expalining to do