I have admitted the abuse

[whatsallthehullaballoo]

Long story short, I ceased all contact with my mother and step-father over 6 months ago. I admitted to my husband (after some online counselling) that my step-father abused me and my mother was generally controlling and nasty. I told him that I needed to stop contact for the sake of my sanity and safety of my young daughter, which my husband agreed was the right thing to do.

However, i recently confided in a friend about my childhood and she said about how I should tell my brothers as one of them has a young daughter also. I completely agreed but after keeping something like this so secret for so long and fearing that no one would ever believe me, I had never told my brothers.

I sent my brother a message saying not to leave his daughter with my dad. He replied asking why. I text back that I couldn't go into detail but said what kind of man he was and that he needs to protect his children. Obviously this is one of the many reasons I have cut contact. I have never had a reply.

This was nearly two weeks ago and I feel very let down on one hand and angry on another. Does this mean that after I finally had the courage to tell him, he doesn't believe me? He hasn't asked me if I am ok or if my mother knew or anything. I already felt left out because I had decided to have no contact with my parents. But now I feel like my brother doesn't care either. I wish I could go back in time ans change what happened to me, to wish I could have told every one at the time and made my mother listen to me - but I cannot. I dreamed night after night of telling people what happened and in the dreams they never believed me. It was a recurring dream. And now it seems to have come true.

[whatsallthehullaballoo]

Has no one been in a similar situation?

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Oh OP, have a (hug). You are dealing with so much. I hope someone with direct experience of childhood sexual abuse will come along soon and answer you.

I just wanted to say that you are inferring a lot at the moment: you do not actually know what your brother's reaction to your text messages. No need to dwell on your fears unless you know for sure that they have actually come true, you will surely only make yourself more depressed and anxious.

Also, should your brother choose not to believe you and that is always a possibility that is his choice. It does not make you wrong or mad. You will not be able to convince all of the people all of the time to see things as you do; in a case such as yours I imagine that denial couuld be a very tempting option for some family members. But as long as you are confident about your own truth (recognising the abuse) and your own actions (choosing to tell your brother), you have done everything you can. How your brother or any other friends and family react is their own affair, and is down to their own opinion, their own emotional baggage, etc. It reflects nothing about YOU.

Can you get more counselling to help you work through how your past is affecting you today?

[caroline1972]

I agree. You don't know what he thought of your text and maybe he's just respecting your feelings by not asking any more. It's easy for us to assume the worst but you just don't know. If u really want to know what he thinks you'll have to ask him.

[ajandjjmum]

Can you meet your brother to speak face to face? This is far too serious to deal with by text.

[WriterofDreams]

I would give your brother the benefit of the doubt for the time being. You don't know for certain that he has chosen not to believe you. It was a lot to drop on him by text and he might be very unsure how to reply. What you said was a bit cryptic to be honest and he might be stuck as to how to approach you about it. Also, there might be a chance that your brother was abused or that he was aware of the abuse going on with you and that this has hit him very hard. Ring him and talk openly to him about it. Don't say things like "I won't go into detail" - that puts him in a very tough position as he can't be sure what you mean. You've chosen to tell him and now you need to be honest. Of course you don't have to describe exactly what happened, but be clear about the nature and severity of the abuse.

Having said all that, do be prepared to possibly meet with a blank wall. I was abused as a child by a friend of my mother's and when I told her about it she tried to play it down, told me to stop worrying about it and eventually got annoyed and said I was trying to make her feel guilty. She had very little concern for my feelings and I felt completely and utterly let down by her. I have talked to other abuse victims who have also been badly let down by close friends and family. People often put up a wall when they hear about abuse. Perhaps they don't want to know about it or just don't know how to deal with it. Either way it's quite devastating when the help and support you expect isn't forthcoming.

I'm very sorry this happened to you. It shouldn't have happened and I'm glad you know that and that you have taken steps to protect yourself and your children. You also absolutely did the right thing telling your brother and even if he does react badly you can reassure yourself that you did what you could.

[Eurostar]

OP, sorry to hear what has happened to you. This really isn't the sort of conversation to have by text which can so easily be misunderstood. It is better to make it clear to your brother what happened. If it is too hard for you to explain, can you ask your DH to explain to your brother and ask him too to convey to your brother that you would like to hear from him but you find it very hard to talk?

[whatsallthehullaballoo]

Thanks everyone. I know it was a lot to put in a text. I also sent an email when he asked for more details. I cannot speak on the phone or visit as he lives very far away. I cannot talk about it at all, I 'told' my husband by showing the little nit of email counselling that I had.

st wanted my brother to be able to protect his little ones. I shall wait some more until he wants to contact me. However, I get the distinct impression he either doesn't believe me or doesn't want to know because it upsets so many things for him.

When I stopped contact with my parents my brothers never even asked why...and now I have told one brother I have had no response. I feel like my parents have won. So I guess I feel like I do not matter to anyone in my family any more. I have my own husband and children, which I am grateful for.

[Yesmeetoo]

I know what you are going through.
My family have completely ignored what I told them about my uncle.
I avoid him completely.
I have told them, I can do no more, but it really hurts when they keep meeting up with him and the children are there, and no one seems to mind. But really I suspect no one wants to rock the boat. When I told one of my brothers, he just said Oh God, dont tell xxxx (His wife).
Typical in my family, dont ever say anything that might cause any scandal.

Just do what you need to do to look after yourself and your family. You dont need approval from them. No one has won. No one ever does in cases like this. Denial doesn't mean that they really dont know what happened

[whatsallthehullaballoo]

Thank you Yesmeetoo - I cannot think how you manage to have any contact with your family if they have effectively dismissed your feelings over his. This is how I am beginning to feel. I will just wait until my brother makes contact with me again. I assume that he had not told my other brother yet but who knows. I didn't want to tell them because I never wanted to be accused of stirring up trouble or making things up to get back at my parents.

It is like you are the one in the wrong for speaking up and that you should have kept it to yourself. I hate my family now and it is almost at the stage now where I won't even admit to myself that I have a family or history.

How long ago was it that you told your family?

[Ormirian]

It might not be that he doesn't beleive you. Isn't it more likely that he doesn't know how to react? It would be a hell of a shock. If he didn't beleive you I would have thought he'd have told you so straight away.

[whatsallthehullaballoo]

That is true ormirion - I may be being hasty. But if my brother told me something like that I am sure I would find the time to write a text to just say Ok, I understand your worries, or hope you are ok or ring me if you want to talk. He didn't want to know any reasons as to why I stopped contact with my parents and now he knows part of the reason he still hasn't said anything to me.

But I am here if he ever wants to talk to me. I doubt that will happen though.

[millymollypeeps]

Hi, it just struck me reading this post, which I have been keeping an eye on, similar position here, that your brother may well know something himself. He never asked why you cut contact with your parents? Maybe he was afraid to, because he could guess what the answer would be. I have completely cut contact with one of my brothers, my other brother has never asked me why. I haven't confronted this as he doesn't have kids, but part of me things he hasn't asked because he knows!