Advice Please! - Husband has stopped sex and looks at porn and hookup sites

[lilysmum69]

Dear All, I am really starting to feel very isolated, alone and sad.
When I was about six months pregnant my husband stopped having sex w me. He said he didnt want to hurt the baby. I said it wouldnt and asked that we could still have sex, but he really went off it and started staying up late alone w the computer. Now our daughter is 7 months old and I have asked as nicely as I can if we can have sex again. Now he says he doesnt want me to get pregnant, I have suggested condoms ( dont want to go on the pill) but still no joy. I have no problem w him watching porn and would rather watch it with him. But I have now found out he is looking and writing to people on craigslist to meet up with, he is chatting to women online and wanking to live interctive video chat and asking women for their phone numbers for phone sex. He has also starting googling brothels in the area. Its making me so sad. I love him and want our relationship to work, I want to have sex and a healthy sex life. The last time I brought up him spending time online with other women was once about two years ago, he go really defensive, would not speak to me for a week or two, I worked really hard to get things going again and we have had a good relationship until this all started again.
I dont know how to even start...I am so exhausted at the end of the day I have to be in bed early and I allways ask if he wants to come to bed, but he allways stays up on his own to jerk off...
I am feeling very alone and its getting harder not easier to care for our daughter...

[lilysmum69]

sorry for the long rant, but I really need some advice, and dont feel I can talk about it with our friends, only just moved to the UK and dont have people I feel I can confide in

[mummakaz]

He has been googling brothels sorry to say but it sounds like your DH doesn't care about you :( and the more you carrying on letting him get away with it the longer he is going to do it. I would have kicked his arse out if that were me (but this is just what I would have done)

imo porn is fine unless it starts to interfer with your relationship. He has crossed the line by wanking off on webcams/writing to people to meet up and googling brothels. How do you know he hasn't used them already?

If you really want it to work there is always councilling (sp) but I would give him an ultimatum if that were me and go from there. If he doesn't want to give all of the above up then there's your answer on how he feels about you

Good luck op and I hope it all works out for you

[buzzsore]

You need to confront this: he's treating you really badly.

Even if he hasn't actually used a brothel or met anyone, it sounds like it's a 'yet' rather than a 'would never'. I'm not sure I'd wait for that to happen.

What is the rest of your relationship like?

[janajos]

It sounds as though he has an addiction. Does he recognise that this might be the case?

[mimiholls]

oh lily really feel for you, this is horrible. I've been in a similar-ish situation, but this does sound a lot worse. Porn is one thing, but brothels and 'interactive' sites are another. I would really feel like that is cheating- obviously if he is actually going to the brothels that definitely is cheating. And it sounds like for him, it may be a slippery slope and these things could progress really quickly. The fact that it is affecting your relationship and your sex life is reason enough for it to be a big problem.
You say you confronted him two years ago about it? It sounds like that all got swept under the carpet because he wasn't prepared to talk about it, and in a way you have implicitly shown your acceptance of it, because nothing was done. He obviously thinks he can get away with it.
You really need to make a stand and let him know that this is unacceptable. Let him know how much this is upsetting you- and let him know that you are not prepared to go on like this.
From my experience, these things can be highly addictive, and if he tries to stop he has to (a) really want to, and (b) seek some help. He will never succeed at doing it alone- trust me. (Read 'Out of the Shadows' by Patrick Carnes). Doesn't sound at the moment like he wants to change at all?
Even if he does, you need to decide how much you want your relationship to work, and whether you're prepared for the all the hurt potentially involved. TBH if he is visiting brothels and having phone sex with other women this would be a massive red card for me. Think about yourself and your own happiness, I think you might deserve someone better than this.

[lilysmum69]

I just dont know how to confront it, without him becoming very defensive and not speaking to me. On the one hand he appears sweet and nice and is very lovely with our daughter, he can be very quick to critical of me, and if I am not happy and bright I can see he doesnt want to be around me.

He is very jealous if I spend too long talking to other men, not that I get out at all any more, he always wants me to be around and doesnt want me to go back to work, even though he knows I will have to as we are getting very broke at the moment.

As I read this It makes me sad as it doesnt sound at all like the relationship we use to have. Has anyone been through this and still come out with a relationship intact?

[lilysmum69]

Thanks for your feedback, you are right, even if its not yet, its only going to get worse. I just dont know where to start...

thanks for the book. i will look it up, our daughter is only 7 months and i am only just coping w that at the moment

[MizzyFizzy]

"He is very jealous if I spend too long talking to other men, not that I get out at all any more, he always wants me to be around and doesnt want me to go back to work, even though he knows I will have to as we are getting very broke at the moment."

Huge re flags here lilysmum69...I think the porn/brothel issue is actually the least of your worries.

I think you are with a very controlling and potentially abusive man.

[MizzyFizzy]

Argh..re flags should be red flags.

[lilysmum69]

mimiholls I guess we did sweep it under the carpet 2 years ago, I put a lot of effort into getting our sex life back on track and he seemed to ease off it all at the time and come back to me, but with the bub he seems to have gotten into it even more, I try to see things from his point of view to understand why its happening, I dont want to loose my family when it has only just begun, but starting to work on it is very tricky, I guess i will have to say something, but I find w him actions seem to work better than word

[lilysmum69]

mizzy, yes reading all this is very different to having it in my head, i can see the red cards you talk about
he has never been abusive emotionally or physically
just a bit jealous

[buzzsore]

Oh no. He is isolating you, he's irrationally jealous, he won't discuss issues and gives you the silent treatment, he withholds sex & affection but rubs your face in his interest in other women & porn, he nitpicks & criticises you and only seems to like you when you're pretending everything is ok.

This is all in the controlling/abusive partner's handbook, if there were one.

It's not you, it's him.

[mimiholls]

Does sound very controlling, this isn't good.
I don't think you should consider his reaction too much. How he reacts is his problem- if he shuts off and won't talk to you then fine! He will still hear what you are saying and that might go some way to break the cycle of denial he is in. You just need to give him a piece of your mind and let him know that if he doesn't want to change, your relationship isn't going anywhere. Book in to see Relate and tell him date, time, be there- if he wants your marriage to work. Not promising this will solve everything but it is a start and you are obviously not ready to give up on him from the sounds of it.
You have to think about what you deserve- you deserve, at the very least, to have your feelings taken into consideration, and at the moment this is a very one-sided relationship. It sounds like he is trying to control you by stopping you going out, going back to work etc, because he is scared that you will realise what a JACKASS he is and that you deserve better than such a selfish, controlling man.
I am really sorry this is happening, and having your DD must make it ten times harder. It sounds like you really want to make it work, but you can't make it work by yourself- it sounds like you're putting a lot into this relationship and getting nothing out of it.

[Mouseface]

Lilysmum

This is no longer a relationship. This is a game of control as other posters have already pointed out.

The fact that (to date) he has not hit you is neither here nor there. He IS emotionally abusing you by making you feel unatractive, undeisred, unloved..... he's looking at porn, openly. He stays up to 'jerk off' rather than come to bed to be with you?

Fine, we all need a little 'alone' time but this a not the 'norm' IME.

You do have to confront this if you want him to change/stop etc..... but do you think that he wants to stop?

You have a young family.... how long have you been together?

[MizzyFizzy]

How does he show his jealousy lilysmum69...how to you know he's jealous?

There are many types of abuse....not all involve straightforward punching or manipulation....many times they are actions/words that you took for granted as just being part of your relationship....only later do you realise what was really happening.

[lilysmum69]

Buzzsore - I guess I have tried very hard not to judge him, but I can see when you put it all together like this, I have been rather blind

Its hard to accept that I have let this go for so long...:(

[MizzyFizzy]

Here's a link to another thread in relationships...have a read see if you recognise your relationship.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1219427-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-Relationships

[mimiholls]

"I put a lot of effort into getting our sex life back on track"
This is the problem lily- you put a lot of effort in, you tried to see it from his point of view- bless you for doing that, but what did he do????????? One person can't make a two-person relationship work by themselves!!
Please talk to him and don't take any shit. I understand you want to keep your family together and your DD is so young- but if you do nothing you have a much worse chance of things turning out well- this isn't going to go away by itself.

[Jemma1111]

I totally agree with the other poster's who say you are most likely in an abusive relationship, things unfortunately IME will only get worse for you so you must try and see the bigger picture regarding your relationship and not just concentrate on his lack of interest in sleeping with you.

He is showing so many classic signs of abuse, don't let him treat you badly.

[lilysmum69]

mizzy,
if I spend too long talking to a male friend when we are out socially, he will get really cross with me after the event, or if he is drunk he will take off, I have to keep an eye on him or he will disappear, he once vanished for 4 hours, I tracked him down completely drunk and all his clothes on inside out not far from where we lived, i never understood why he took off,
he gets cross if i talk too much in conversations, he says i dominate and and rude speaking over the top of him, i have tried to modify my behaviour to suit, he all ways complains that i am more popular than him, but I never felt life was a popularity contest,
i just assumed it was a bit of give and take that comes with a relationship

[mummakaz]

So he's jealous of you talking to other men but he can do as he pleases?! say to him if it were the other way round how the hell would he feel. Sorry but he is a hypocrite. I think your just going to have to confront him about it and not let not let it be swept under the carpet as it's clearly making you very unhappy :(

He may well give you the silent treatment and get defensive but that's because he knows what he is doing is wrong. Plus if he doesn't talk about it he knows you will be likely to give up talking about it. All I can say is, don't. you deserve answers to why acting like a knob

[mummakaz]

His clothes were inside out??? sorry lily but I think you seriously need to reconsider your relationship with him :( it really isn't 'normal' what he is doing to you

[lilysmum69]

thanks for the link
i'll have a read now
it seems many mums think i'm letting him get away w way too much
thanks for having a read and responding I really appreciate all your feedback

[Miggsie]

JEalousy is the big red flag for an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship.

And, if he is like my uncle, the minute your DD gets to be a teenager or asserting herself as a person he will start on her big time and make her life hell.

Do read up on the emotional abuse thread, as it sounds like you need to get out.

Oh, and this is a good one: jealousy as number 1 sign

[MizzyFizzy]

So...he manipulates the situation so that he is your sole focus of your attention....just like a toddler gains attention throwing a tantrum.

He verbally intimidates you enforcing his belief that he/his wants and needs are more important than yours.....he has to be seen as the dominant male in the relationship and you the submissive female. You said "if i talk too much in conversations, he says i dominate and and rude speaking over the top of him.." this means to me you are not allowed a voice.

You said "i have tried to modify my behaviour to suit..."...this is not 'give and take'...this is domination...give and take is him modifying his behaviour also, to reach a compromise....he doesn't want a compromise he wants to dominate and control.

You can fix this no matter how hard you try.....these are his problems and only he can fix them.