Is this normal?

[mimi46]

This may sound like a joke but Is it normal for DP to seem to only really get excited sexually if i wear thigh boots and leather coat. sex happens infrequently at other times without it. There doesnt seem a lot of intimacy going on sexually or making love. It worries me, because i dont like the thought he needs this to get aroused and i dont really like wearing that stuff it isnt me. It also appears important to him that i want to wear it. A bit of background, he is a widower of 5 years, the relationship was on the rocks as she was alcoholic. Lot of problems with sex in the beginning due to anxiety, he took viagra without telling me. He tells me he loves me all the time and i love him and he is kind and affecionate generally and we get on really well on many levels, although I have had to deal with moods which is non communication from him at times . I have also had to deal with widower issues generally. I think he has always had this but maybe not to this extent. He sends off for stuff to wear and I know he has downloaded pictures of women in this gear in the past. Im getting to the point where i am bored with meeting what i feel are his needs on this level yet he doesnt seem to be able to meet mine in this area. Am i being unreasonable and stupid, or is it an indication of something not so good going on, I dont know anymore and feel I am unable to be objective.

[buzzsore]

The man has a serious fetish, given his disinterest otherwise. It's not exactly normal, but it's within a continuum.

A fetish like this is only a problem if you as his partner don't enjoy partaking. You don't enjoy partaking. It is a problem.

I very much doubt you'll be able to re-string his bow, as it were, at this stage.

So either you accept you'll have to dress up to excite him, or you look eslewhere. IMO.

[mimi46]

Thanks Buzzsore, but hes lovely in most other ways. It feels a lot to chuck this away if it can be addressed in some way.

[AKissIsNotAContract]

Is it that you don't enjoy it at all, or that you would be happy to do it if he was to do more to meet your needs?

If it's the former you may need to give up on the relationship. If it's the latter maybe you can discuss some of your fantasies and see how he responds. If he wants all his fantasies satisfied without seeing to yours then he's pretty selfish and probably not worth bothering with.

[buzzsore]

Well, talk to him and tell him that you'd like to go without the dressing up at least some of the time. But if it's a deeply engrained fetish, he may well be unable to get aroused without that extra stimulation. Then he might go back to the viagra (and that way he's still using external methods of propping up his desire). I don't think it reflects on your desireability, if it is a serious fetish, it's just the way he's wired.

Of course, it may be that it's not as bad as all that and he'll agree to do without the fetish some of the time.

You could ask him to see a sex therapist of some sort, alternatively.

He may not want to try and tackle this, 'though.

[mimi46]

Akissisnotacontract-I would be more happy with doing this stuff if he was able to be intimate in general in this area, then it wouldnt bother me. He would not have a problem doing fantasies for me, but he seems not to get turned on by intimacy.

Buzzsore-I think youre right. He went to a hypnotherapist initially about the anxiety but it appears not to have worked and i think he still has some panic he isnt going to "follow through". He gets aroused but if its not in one position or dressed up then it doesnt seem to happen. I know that his marriage there wasnt much sex and they were in seperate rooms in the end due to her drinking. Obviously her drinking and death also had a big impact. I will mention sex therapy but i feel like is it normal to go through all this stuff when maybe this side of things just aint going to work for us in terms of intimacy. In every other way im pretty happy with us.

[mimi46]

I mean he gets aroused normally but has anxiety about following through if its not one position or dressing up. It makes me feel like a middle aged belle de jour

[shesgotherlipstickon]

The whole sex, dressing up flag here is a red herring. That aside for a second, people need to read your post, past that.

SO many red flags, so little time. The fetish/selfishness thing is just one trait of his whole character I think. He sound like he has more issues, which have nothing to do with the fetish.

[mimi46]

He seems very visual, always seem to be aiming to look in mirror or reflection at us together (not sexually) He loves photos (again not sexual) But it makes me feel hes looked at a lot of porn. Thigh boots and leather porn of course.

[mimi46]

shesgotherlipstickon please tell me more.

[buzzsore]

Re-reading your post, he does seem to have some other issues and be quite a fixer-upper project for you.

I don't know about red flags, but I don't think it's a good sign that he'd be the perfect man for you if only he wasn't like this & this & this.

[shesgotherlipstickon]

Ok where to start, I'll do it basically if that's ok as I'm no professional in this area, but so many things jump out a t me.

Ok he is selfish sexually and as you say, he is kind of basically using you as some porn actress whom is there to plaese him. It's an issue that it's all the time and he is just "using" you like an object.

But be wary of a man who tells you he had an evil ex, they were in sepereate rooms, it was all terrible, she was this, that and the other. Truthfully you only have his word about that. I'd be even more wary as she is dead, and can't prove him wrong can she?

He has his own anxiety problems, why is this? So took viagra. Not a huge issue, many keep it secret, or whatever, but in this situation, it just adds more.

He has mood swings and stonewalls you. That's the non-communication.

Then what do you mean by widower issues?

Honestly? He just dosen't sound very nice full stop. Whethet that's him in general, because he lost his wife whatever. The sex issue is just one of many symptoms of his problem.