How do u know if it's a 'bad patch' or the end?

[OneDove]

I realise this is a common thread but really I am not sure anymore.
Married for 6 years , two lovely DD and DS . I have posted previously about suspected gaslighting by DH.
Yet another episode of him continually having a rant at me over past few days
( happens regularly). This time I forgot to make an outstanding bill payment. Crap I know, but when he found out he went mental. I have paid it but he still will not let it go. He states I do not contribute to the house. I buy constant crap for the kids. He works all the long hours and I do nothing. I work part time and pay all bills food etc. He pays for the mortgage.
I just feel really hurt he thinks I do nothing. He does work 5 days a week but I have the children when I am not working. I run the household. Washing, food , meals. He maintains my general attitude is not good enough when it cones to money. He thinks buying our 5 yr old a DS is ridiculous. It was her birthday!
I feel it would be easier if I was on my own with children in a little house.
I hate the fact he thinks I do nothing! Aaaghhh!!

[buzzsore]

It sounds awful and unbalanced.

You could try writing a list of every task/time it takes that you do and he does and compare the resulting free-time to prove his view is nonsensical. He sounds very disrespectful and entitled, almost contemptuous, and I really don't know whether it's worth struggling on in the face of that.

You could either to stand up for yourself & demand respect for what you do or get to relationship counselling or quit. I don't think you should continue to put up with the verbal abuse or devaluing of your work & role at home, you deserve more.

[Smum99]

Hi, Have to say it sounds an unpleasant situation to be living in. It could be a case of you both having very different values about finances or he may be generally unsupportive and disrespectful. i.e if you fixed the debates about financial issues he would find another area to focus on.

You have 3 DCs and most people would understand that it's almost a fulltime job in itself. Did you and him discuss what would happen when children came on the scene or has it has drifted into this situation.

Upshot is that you will feel very under valued if this nagging continues and that causes resentment, which I think ultimately kills a marriage.
Has he always been like this or is he more stressed than usual? I don't think anyone should have to tolerate ranting for an error and you should ensure that he knows his behaviour isn't acceptable. I would try to nip this in the bud, he should not speak to you in a disrespectful way at all and you need to be firm about those boundaries. You are not a child, you have an equal relationship with him and he is not the authority figure who corrects your behaviour.

However some people have different values on expenditure for young children - I'm not actually keen for my DCs to have a DS at a young age and my DH knows how I feel about this and therefore wouldn't buy one without a discussion. We would both agree the presents for our DCs so there wouldn't be a surprise. Do you and your DH discuss major expenditure? Could this be the root of the problem, are you joined up in regards to finances?

If you can't fix this I really think it's worth investing in counselling - best to act as soon as you realise you have a problem.