Apparently I am an Arrogant Bitch who thinks Highly of herself and Lowly of a certain someone....

[Allalone0]

This is what i have been told by my exh (who i am still legally married to but have been living separately from for almost 2 yrs) time and time again.

He was an abusive, manipulative, on the outside 'charming' and controlling man. He was emotionally and mentally abusive to me for the 13 years that we were together, and at times physically violent aswell.

I was putting up with him for the 'sake of the kids' to try and give them a 'normal family' with both parents.
Over the years I have found out things about him that i have been shocked about. For eg doing drugs, drinking alcohol, he was into porn, chat lines, men aswell as women, and the last straw, which i couldnt live with him any longer was that he was abusing our dd. :(

The only thing he has to say about me is that I no longer cover my head. Which somehow is much much worse than all that he has done/is doing!!

I try to avoid converstaions with him, as he will try and have a go at me. At any opportunity.
I tried to not let it get to me, but need to speak to someone about it, and so am posting on here. I have posted on the thread 'This is playing on my mind' and alot of the abusive tactics have rung a bell with me, of what I have been through when with him.
Sorry this is long.....

[Thistledew]

You should be pleased when he says that! It obviously means that you are not letting the basterd get you down- and - shock horror- are failing to see yourself as someone he is entitled to look down on and treat badly. Take it as a complement and hang on in there. You are obviously doing a great job standing up for yourself and your daughter and he knows it. Hopefully he will soon realise that and give up soon.

[AKissIsNotAContract]

How old are your children? Do they see him? Is there any way you can sever contact with him completely so you don't have to hear these things?

Sorry you are going through this, I agree with the above poster, he knows he's lost his hold over you.

[ShoutyHamster]

Just reply 'Yes, you're right. I do have a very low opinion of you.' And put the phone down :)

[Anniegetyourgun]

Arrogant bitches of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your fuckwit partners!

Of course you realise that it doesn't matter at all what he says, or what he thinks, which are probably two different things. He is lying, simple as that. He ought by rights to be in prison, of course, but life isn't always that accommodating. You, on the other hand are out and free from the prison of his making. Wave two fingers airily, and smile.

[garlicbutter]

And thinking highly of yourself is bad? As to the rest: I think lowly of him, too, and I've never even met him!

Well done on getting this malignant user out of your lives. I hope you can manage to sever all contact, your children certainly don't need his influence.

[PhilipJFry]

He knows he can't control you and what you do and can't stand it. I bet it drives him mad because you got out and now his opinion and tactics don't hold sway anymore. I don't know what you can do when he has a go at you except walk away/put down the phone and just remove yourself from the situation. I know that isn't always possible and you have my sympathies- just try to leave and cut him off that way when he starts, because people like him can't be reasoned with or argued against. They always think they're right.

[Allalone0]

I have gone through the feelings of anger, where I have wanted for him not to be alive for what he has done to our DD, to grieving, to resentment, to anger towards myself for getting married to him and then to stick with him for all this time and waste so many years of my life and my energies on trying to make this marriage work. When i had a strong feeling in the beginning (at how he was treating me) that this isnt how things should be.

He would threaten to divorce me, to kill himself, he would run out of the house for hours on end and, I wasnt allowed to leave the house. As women have to stay in the house, and only go out when they are with someone. He is not from the UK, south asia in fact. I spent the first 4mths of our marriage with him, and i regret bringing him over.

I regret giving into his pressure to 'get me pregnant' even though i had spoken to him beforehand and he was happy to do whatever i wanted, which was to wait untill we are financially stable and can provide our child with everything it would need. Initially i refused and he was sulking/ agressive towards me, as he had heard from someone that if i became pregnant then it would be easier for him to come over.

I kick myslef now, why oh why did that not ring any bells??
That he didnt care about me or our future child.

[atswimtwolengths]

Are you in the UK, Allalone0? If so did you tell the police about his abuse of your daughter?

I know this REALLY isn't helpful but it's something I've always wondered - did you know it would be like that, married to someone with his values?

[atswimtwolengths]

I don't mean the abuse of your DD, here; I mean the other stuff about not going out of the house.

[MilkandWine]

Allalone, as others have said you need to sever all contact with this man if at all possible. He sounds an utterly vile and unstable individual. I'm assuming he never sees DD? (If he has been abusing her then the bastard ought to be in prison anyway, although sadly this isin't always possible)

Do not engage with him at all, he is part of the past and you need to try and look to the future and building a life for you and your DD. Well done for escaping his clutches and I wish you and your DD all the best for the future.

[Allalone0]

Akiss My children are Ds1 14yrs Ds2 11yrs and Dd almost 8yrs. He would see them as and when he felt like it, which could be every day to not at all for weeks on end. Which I was fed up with and felt it wasnt right to mess the kids up like this.
Ss became involved and SW tried to get him to understand that it wasnt good for the kids to be inconsistent with them.
After almost a year he is now somewhat trying to stick with an arrangement. For a couple of weeks now. Where I am fine for him to see them as unfortunately he is their father and as much as I'd love to get completely away from him I cant. I have asked for 2 evenings to be left free, he comes round sometime in theevening after work. No set time. But he will leave when the kids go to bed or before. But will not stick around afterwards, as I dont want to put up with him for as long as is necesary.

He has suggested to go for counselling as he wants us to get back together again WTF???
I have said theres no chance of that happening even if i wanted to, its not safe for my Dd. And I cant profess my love for someone at the sametime as hating their guts, just like he is doing. He emailed me a week ago saying how he loved me etc etc, and then spits out so much venom a few days later!!!

[MilkandWine]

Allalone I must admit I am puzzled. Surely if your ex has been abusing your DD then he has lost any right to see his children and SS should be backing you up on this?

If he abused his DD he should be seeing none of his children and especially not her! I don't understand how he even has access?

This man is an abuser, he should be nowhere near ANY of your children full stop!

[GypsyMoth]

just cut all contact with him. completely

[year2011]

ive been called all the names you can think of in the dictionary and yet when he needs help i am the only one he turns to,he is charming on the outside he create the impression that im evil but on the inside you dnt want to know::::::.they are all the same ,dnt listen to him just do what is best for you.

[Allalone0]

Phillip at times I feel that the way he behaves and what he says at times is because he feels like he has lost control and so gets mad at me, bcos Im not doing as he wants and allow him to get away with whatever he does.
I have stood up to him and as Bloody scary as it was I tried to make the break and separated from him. He thought i would crawl back to him.

i used to get caught up in an argument with him, get upset at the hurtful things he said, but distancing myself physically helped me to emotionally cut off from, and what he said to me.

Once he came round and I was in the bath, he was knocking on the door for me to let him into the bathroom and when I refused he went and broke my cars window, which i had only ha d a week, and it was my 1st car. :(
He refused to admit it was him.

He has in the past secretly broken my belongings, some of my stuff has even gone missing.

Atswim yes I am in the UK and did go to police but lack of evidence meant nothing happened.
My parents are from Asia although i was brought up here, I knew women were restricted there but felt he ran away deliberately knowing that i wont be able to follow him. Which was very upsetting and frustrating for me, and I was walking on eggshells trying not to upset him as he may run off again.

When he would come back i had to hide my sadness, and felt likea robot. As talking about your feelings/discussing wasnt the norm.

Milkand he does see Dd but SW agreed with me that it would only be supervised contact, which he was not happy about.

My dd has been in play therapy since and drew a pic of a 'monster' with a speech bubble telling her that if she told anyone then she would never see her mum again, that broke my heart when I saw that :(.
How my baby was scared into silence, and how alone and afraid she must have been having to deal with something so traumatic all on her own.
To be violated by someone who was meant to protect her. :(

She is doing well at school and in general.
I am currently training to become a teacher after being a SAHm for all these years.

[Allalone0]

Milkand YES i agree with you, in an ideal world he should not have any rights to see Dcs, especially dd. But thats the justice system. (another thread)

Some children are forced to have overnights with their abuser, and all i can do is try to protect my dd.

[MilkandWine]

I'm sorry but I am still totally unable to understand why he is allowed contact with his DD.
How can SS be allowing him ANYWHERE near his DD??? Do they even know about the abuse??

A man who has abused his daughter should be nowhere near her ever ever again. I am sorry Allalone but if that was my child I would tear his f**king fave off if he ever came within 500 miles of her.
I think all the other issues are secondary to be honest at this moment. His treatment of you is appalling of course but the thing that is leaping out at me here is that you ex husband is being allowed to have contact with the child he has abused. That is wrong in every single level I can think of and I am at a loss to understand as to how it is happening.

He is an evil, violent man who violates his own children. He should not be near any of his children or you EVER. The only contact I would be engaging in with this man would be via social services and the courts. If he came round my house I would be calling the police to have him removed.

This man lost his right to contact with you and a 'relationship' with his children the moment he laid an evil hand on your DD.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but what you wrote about your DD drawing the picture in plat therapy is appalling. She needs to be protected from this utter monster not forced into contact with him a couple of times a week!!!!!!!!!!

[MilkandWine]

Sorry Allalone, I have just read your last post. I am utterly utterly gobsmacked that the courts are not protecting you from this man. I literally cannot believe what I am reading here. What world are we living in where a man does thinks like that and gets away with it?

I am so so sorry for you, my blood is frigging boiling here on your behalf.

[Snorbs]

So he's a child-abusing, violent, drug-taking, controlling, psycho nut job. And he's complaining that you think lowly of him? Anybody would think lowly of him if they knew the truth. He's utter scum.

One thing it took me a long time to realise about my abusive ex is that the things that I was accused of weren't chosen because they were true, they were chosen because they had an emotional impact on me. I was accused of all sorts. Some things - eg, that I was having an affair with a work colleague - were just so ridiculous that I laughed them off. Those accusations weren't made again. Other insults - that I was a crap parent, for instance - obviously hurt me more deeply. Those things came back again and again and again.

In other words, my ex was choosing which insults to use based on how much they wounded me. It had nothing to do with the truth. Once I realised that it made it a lot easier to ignore the accusations and to treat them as the irrelevant bullshit they really are.

You are an incredibly brave and strong woman to stand up to this kind of craziness. There's no reasoning with crazy. The best you can do is try your best to avoid exposing yourself to that craziness as much as possible.

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

You can insist on supervised contact ie he is never allowed to be alone with your DD. You can arrange this via a contact centre or if there is anyone else you trust to deal with it. What you must also do is ban him from your house. He is not allowed over the threshold. Talk to Women's Aid about the best way to put this man in his place and how to keep is contact with you an DC to the bare legal minimum.
Remember you owe him nothing, certainly not respect, and his opinion of you is completely unimportant. The way to deal with an abusive man is with polite, slightly contemptuous indifference, and crack down hard with police, injunctions etc the minute he steps out of line.

[caketinrosie]

Get yourself a good family solicitor, you may be entitled to legal aid, either way your first appointment will be free. Go back to the police and ask them to explain the harrassment act. Anyone who pursues a course of conduct that causes you to fear violence or emotional harm can initially be warned about his behaviour and if it continues can be arrested. If you are not happy with the initial outcome of the investigation complain! Those who shout loudest get the best results. Dont be afraid! This man is vile and if he was a stranger you would be ringing the police daily! Keep him away from your child you will be supported by the appropriate agencies if you let them in.... Good luck.

[Allalone0]

Milkand I appreciate your input, and everyone else's.
My dcs and I are a victim of him and the justice system.
He is not made to pay for what he has done.
I just have to pick up the pieces and get on with our lives as best we can, and to protect my Dd as best I can. :(

I could not even satisfy my rage by killing him, as that would mean my Dc's would lose their mother aswell, so i couldnt even do that.

He blames me for messing everyones lives up time and time again, which used to hurt. As it was him who fucked up our lives, not me!!

[caketinrosie]

Also, safeguarding children is a huge issue in the criminal justice system children are NOT abandoned to abusers, supervised contact is very easy to arrange, the issues prosecutors have with prosecuting men like this is children unfortunately have huge issues with disclosing their abuse so it is more harmful to try and force them to give evidence, but this is common and children are still protected in partnership with social services. The biggest issue which makes prosecution incredibly difficult is when the wife or partner refuses to assist with a prosecution then it is incredibly difficult to arrange supervision. Please please ask for help again. Support is out there in abundance grab it with both hands you owe it to yourself and your family. If you do nothing tomorrow will be the same as today, do something different and tomorrow will be different. good luck sweetie x

[Allalone0]

I can't explain how refreshing it is to read everyones posts on here.
I really appreciate it.

Snorbs I can relate to the accusations being made only to hurt and get a reaction, I have tried to not give him one.
I don't believe I am arrogant, or an angel. He says that i think i am perfect, i don't. I'm just trying to be the best that I can be. But I do think Im not as bad as him. And if thats what being arrogant is in RW then maybe I am!!

Springchicken Dd is supervised at all times, which he has been angry with me about.
But I have said that that's his own fault, that no other choice has been left but to supervise him.

i was initially in touch with WA but havent been back in a while, maybe I'll contact them again.

[MilkandWine]

You need to try and detach as best you can Allalone. This hollow shell of a mans opinion matters not a jot. I literally would not engage with him on anything but the most basic level as and when you are required to. If he begins making personal remarks hang up on him and do it EVERY time.

You do not have to listen to his abuse.

I totally agree with SCGB with regards to him being banned from your home, he should not be there at all. He is violent and a danger and you and your DCs should never be alone with him.

Where do these access visits take place? Also does he have to be supervised in his contact with all the Dcs or just your DD?

Again I have to say I cannot believe you have been so badly let down by the justice system. Well done for being such a strong, brave woman and mother and getting away from this monster. Also best of luck with the teacher training. The fact that you are taking steps to improve yourself and your employment options like that under such difficult circumstances is a real testament to your inner strength.