finding it hard

[butterflybee]

I've been on here before and still feeling very conflicted.

Most recent nutshell.. about 2 weeks ago we had a fairly standard arguement. My 2yo was playing with an open umbrella inside the house and getting gregarious with it.. I started to worry about her poking something or someone so took it away and said umbrellas are for playing outside (where the umbrella went). She had a bit of a tantrum.. couldn't be distracted or enticed to other things and I was going to give it a minute on non attention so she would calm down. He came in and tried to distract, then asked what she wanted. I said the umbrella, but I've said it's not allowed to play with inside. He went to give it to her (inside) and I said again, I just told her she's not allowed to play with it inside and you can settle her anyway you want but it's really undermining if you do the exact opposite of the rule I just set. He handed her the umbrella and said something negative about me (don't remember what).

He tried to talk about something else, I said I was angry and would get over it but needed some space. He kept trying to talk to me. I said I really needed some space right now. He said, c'mon, we're a family and tried to give me a hug. I don't know why, but I was not ok with being touched right then and I moved away and said no, you really need to give me some space right now. He kept trying to hug me, I kept moving away and saying no (about 4-5 times) more and more emphatically until I tried to run to the bathroom to get away. He followed and stopped me from closing the door and told me off for not hugging him. I told him I definetly didn't feel like hugging when he was trapping me in the bathroom (he was standing in the doorway now). He said he wasn't trapping me and I twisted everything around.

So.. I've been avoiding him as much as possible since then. Getting information about my options. I called Women's Aid and they gave me a couple numbers... He keeps complaining that I'm cold and distant, rejecting his reconciliation. I have told him a few times now that what he did really scared me, that I need some consistent evidence that he takes this seriously and is taking concrete steps to make sure it's never happening again.

He doesn't get why I'm upset. When I explain this is really fundimental to me - I need to know my boundaries will be respected in a relationship - he says I'm escalating things and ignoring his complaints.

I'm confused. I think I shouldn't be confused, but I am.

[TurnipCake]

Hey butterflybee,

What is it that you're feeling confused about? This is a good space to think out loud as it were, lots of supportive people who have been in similar situations who can try to help you make sense of things.

I think you're doing really well so far re: calling Women's Aid. Keep gathering information, get some outside support and make a plan. What is your living situation at the moment? Do you feel safe?

[FabbyChic]

Do you not think you are over thinking and taking this situation a bit far, the guy wanted a hug, he did not want to abuse you, he was trying to difuse a situation which you took to the extreme by running away.

Sorry but unless there is something more to your relationship which you aren't saying I feel you over reacted.

[tallwivglasses]

'I said I was angry and would get over it but needed some space. He kept trying to talk to me. I said I really needed some space right now. He said, c'mon, we're a family and tried to give me a hug. I don't know why, but I was not ok with being touched right then and I moved away and said no, you really need to give me some space right now. He kept trying to hug me, I kept moving away and saying no (about 4-5 times) more and more emphatically until I tried to run to the bathroom to get away. He followed and stopped me from closing the door and told me off for not hugging him. I told him I definetly didn't feel like hugging when he was trapping me in the bathroom (he was standing in the doorway now). He said he wasn't trapping me and I twisted everything around.'

Over reaction Fabby? Really? This man was relentless.

[FabbyChic]

Maybe it was his way of trying to diffuse the situation? I don't think he was abusive though maybe a bit over the top.

Not unlike how the Op reacted to him giving the child the umbrella back, she reacted way over the top. Id just have taken it from the child again and said I said NO.

[sunshineandbooks]

There is no way that all this is over an umbrella.

The argument that finished me and XP was over egg and chips. He will still tell people I left him over this. The truth is that it was the straw that broke the camel's back following a long time of control, manipulation and ultimately physical abuse. I suspect the same is true of butterflybee's relationship. The umbrella incident is simply the latest in a long string of conflicts.

A key phrase in here is that butterflybee's comment: "He keeps complaining that I'm cold and distant, rejecting his reconcilliation" which followed on from her saying that she'd spoken to Women's Aid. Unless butterfly is a complete fantasist, she is obviously in an abusive relationship and he is pressurising her. On the most fundamental points about an abuser is that if, at any point he pressurises his partner into forgiving him and moving on, he CLEARLY HAS NOT CHANGED. A truly repentant abuser who is seriously trying to change recognises that his past behaviour can take a very long time for his partner to overcome.

I'm so sorry butterflybee but I think he is still manipulating you. Badly. I think you really need some time away from him to think things through clearly. Best of luck.

[Thistledew]

Flabby- with respect, you have obviously been lucky enough never to have knowledge of abusive relationships, and your advice is not helpful.

Butter- he is sending you a message loud and clear that he does not consider your opinions, whether they be about how to raise your own child or even about how you feel, to be important.

And if you do not agree with him he is prepared to physically intimidate you until you do.

Honestly, what kind of lunatic repeatedly tries to hug someone who is unwilling? You are probably finding it confusing because the hug, taken out of context, is ostensibly a sign of reconcilliation and love, so it leaves you wondering if you are being unreasonable for rejecting it

Make no mistake. You are not unreasonable. It was not a friendly gesture but one designed to overrule and intimidate you.

[janajos]

But we don't know anything about the OP's relationship (and I have been in two very abusive relationships!) except what she has told us, and I am with Fabby on this; if this is all there is to it, you have overreacted OP!

[Thistledew]

He doesn't get why I'm upset. When I explain this is really fundimental to me - I need to know my boundaries will be respected in a relationship - he says I'm escalating things and ignoring his complaints.

He kept trying to hug me, I kept moving away and saying no (about 4-5 times) more and more emphatically until I tried to run to the bathroom to get away. He followed and stopped me from closing the door and told me off for not hugging him.

Janajos - If you think that this is a reasonable way to behave in a relationship, then you must have very poor boundaries and expectations of a relationship. Would you really do this to your partner? Force physical contact on them when they are saying no? Tell them that they have no rights to express their own feelings?

[TimeForMeIsFree]

I do agree with Fabby and janajos on this.

OP have you tried talking to your DH? From what you have posted it does seem a bit extreme to go straight to Women's Aid and be talking through your options without talking to your H first. Unless there is more to this than you are saying.

[stickytoffeepud]

what did you want from Womens AId? isnt that a bit OTT in this situation

[Thistledew]

One would home that Women's Aid would tell the OP that it is never ok for someone to have run away from their partner and try to shut a door on them to avoid unwanted physical contact.

Women's Aid is not just for women who are being beaten up, but will be happy to advise in any relationship where the woman is having her wants and needs ridden roughshod over.

[butterflybee]

Sorry I've not replied back.. I've actually gone to visit family for a week and haven't had internet connection. I feel much better away but am still confused.

This isn't an isolated incident, of course. The bathroom bit is just the worse it's gotten in terms of feeling intimidated. There's not been physical violence.. although, for instance, the last time I tried FabbyChic's approach ("Id just have taken it from the child again and said I said NO") to his undermining a limit I set for my child he grabbed the thing out of my hand and gave it back to her, pushing me away and shutting me down when I tried to talk about it. It leaves me feeling very powerless. And angry.

Thistledew - that's pretty much what they did say and they were helpful in thinking about other stuff that's going on too. And.. I think my confusion is connected to the ambivilent reaction I'm getting here too. There are all little things, taken alone. Talked about out of context they sound so ephemerial I feel a bit crazy getting so upset about them. And something is very very very wrong. I've been trying for years to figure out how to change it without great results (including counselling - both for me solo and 2 sets of Relate). We used to try talking for days on end, almost always making me feel much worse than before it started. I feel much better with less engagement.

Yes to this - "You are probably finding it confusing because the hug, taken out of context, is ostensibly a sign of reconcilliation and love, so it leaves you wondering if you are being unreasonable for rejecting it" - especially as he's now making out I'm essentially frigid for twisting it so far from his 'loving' intentions. I want sex, I want physical closeness and intimacy and comfort, I would LOVE for us to get along and feel good about sharing that.. and I need to feel very clearly that this is a mutual activity for me to take part.