dh on married dating internet sites.

[phantomcat]

While my dh was away recently I found an email from Illicit Encounters online dating agency saying his membership was just about to run out, also there were several other emails from similar agencies. When I looked in his sent mail box
I found seven emails to women with his photo attached, also one had a letter
saying how he enjoyed chatting to her and that he thought they would click
emotionally and phyisically, he didnt want a one night stand and maybe they could meet for a date and maybe more. Totally shocked I looked through his bank statements and found a transaction for Easy Date. uk another dating agency, this was dated 2008.
Over the years, we have been together for 17 years there have been many times he has disappeared for hours at a time, late home from work and not being able to reach him on his mobile.
When I confronted him with what I found he denied doing anything wrong, said emails were spam mail and that someone must of hacked into his computer and sent out the emails from him, is this possible? Promised he had never been unfaithful and would never risk our marriage and hurt our 2 dc.
First I wanted to believe him, but I feel so devastated by this, every thing goes around and around in my head there are just too many things for there not to be something going on. Hes always loved female attention and I think going with married women keeps it safe in that they wont want him to leave me, so basically he gets the excitment of an affair and all the comforts of home.
I never thought he would do this to me, I love him very much and I go over and over this with him and he wont admit to anything I just dont know what to do. I am heart broken and my life has fallen apart, why are men like this?

[gawdonbennett]

What he's done is shite.
We're not all like that.

[GypsyMoth]

hacked,not a chance with bank statements to back all this up

sorry.

[ShoutyHamster]

No, he hasn't been hacked. You know that.

I'm really sorry.

Yes, get yourself checked out at the clinic, and then take as much time as you want to think through how you want to handle this. Don't let him put so much as a smidgen of pressure on you. He's been unfaithful on more than one occasion by the look of things. What you do now is entirely up to you.

Decent men aren't like this, no.

Best of luck x

[Lipstickgal]

I think he's a lying little worm. How insulting that not only has he engaged in this behaviour but has the audacity to bullshit you when confronted. You must be so angry.

[ShitBallsNassholes]

So sorry that this has happened to you,

He is lying, who would want to hack into his e-mail account to send messages to women, but I think deep down you know he's lying, and will continue to do so until he can lie no more.

Keep posting on here you will get lots of advice and help.

[lubeybooby]

Sorry but he is lying big time. Big BIG time. There is zero chance that this is a hacking :(

[stickytoffeepud]

When I confronted him with what I found he denied doing anything wrong, said emails were spam mail and that someone must of hacked into his computer and sent out the emails from him, is this possible?

possible yes
likely no

[kallima]

this man is an utter shite.

[schmarn]

Your instincts are absolutely correct.

Not only is he lying but you have found evidence that he has been doing this since 2008. For him, this is now a way of life that he will find very hard to give up (hence the absolute denial). The fact that he has paid membership fees also proves that this isn't just a bit of fantasy surfing on the internet but that he has followed through and met other women, lots of other women. Lord knows what he has or hasn't done but the only way forward for you both is for him to come clean and admit it all to you so you can start working to fix things, assuming that's what you both want.

If he continues to deny it, he is essentially telling you that he wants the excitement of seeing other women but he would like to retain the comforts of home that you provide. He sounds like the kind of guy who will only admit the truth if he thinks that you will walk out on him.

[AnyF]

he doesn't have to "admit to anything"

you have incontrovertible proof

that is much more than many get, when suspicious of their partner's fidelity

don't try to fool yourself he has been hacked, someone is out to get him

face up to the fact your bloke has cheated on you many times, and will continue to do so

I think you need to get a STD check, and you need to get rid of your sexually-incontinent, deceitful and hateful husband

[bbird1]

Sounds like a nice bloke this hubby of yours...

[EvenLessNarkyPuffin]

He has done it.
As Reality said, you need to get yourself checked out at a clinic.
You're in shock at the moment, you need space and time to think.

[phantomcat]

Thank you for all your messages, and yes I will get my self checked for STDs, When I suggested that to him he said he had no need too, he just refuses to admit to anything and gets angry at me for confronting him, but I just need
him to tell the truth. I dont know how we can go forward all the time he denies and denies. Last night he threatened to cancel our holiday the dcs are looking forward to at halfterm as I would just keep on at him while there.
Sorry REALITY, I know all men are not like him, most are great.
I will keep posting, I need someone to talk to this about at the moment I just feel sick, tired and in a hopeless situation.

[spidookly]

He is telling the truth.

Everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie or a vicious attack on you so he can continue his lies.

But you know a lot about him now that you didn't before

1 he has been repeatedly unfaithful to you for years

2 he has no intention of stopping

3 he will lie to your face even when caught out

4 his reaction to your pain is to attack you further

I think you should let him cancel the holiday and ask him to leave for a while. Then you need to tell somebody in real life about this that you can trust.

Unless you want to spend the rest of your life with a cruel, dishonest, unfaithful man, you are probably going to have to think about leaving him permanently in the near future.

[ZZZenAgain]

how is he explaining away the entry on his bank statement showing he transferred money to a dating agency?

[spidookly]

The hacking excuse is hilarious.

Hackers really love to target the computers of married men and then write long personal e-mails to other women telling them all about the kind of relationship they'd like to have.

Then they sometimes even kidnap the man at times so it appears that he has actually been off shagging women.

They are so devious those hackers.

[ZZZenAgain]

I think you should can cel the holiday and do something else with the boys. Show him you are serious

[want2sleep]

phantomcat so sorry to hear of your situation how awful:( if he says his computer has been hacked I would print it all off and his bank statement if he still denies it was him...then in front of him call the police to come to the house to report fraud and stealing from your dh bank account....if it is true what he says then he will not mind 100% reporting it to the police and if caught out not only will he get caution or worse from police but you then have evidence!

But honestly if he knew he was innocent he would be on phone to police ASAP to report it as furious someone would steal his identity and put his marriage at risk...he has been to cool...in my experience this is a man covering lies acting so calmly.

If he admitted it from start would not be so bad...but the denial what else does he lie about? I think if your gut feelings are true this man has a different life that you dont know about (until now) this is not fair as well as not faithful....you need answers otherwise it will drive you insane.

[Saffysmum]

Feel so sorry for you phantomcat.

If I were you, and if you can, I would tell him that you will take the children on the half term holiday (perhaps with a friend in his place). You need this break to think what you want. Because what you want is the only thing that matters now. If he refuses this, then tell him to cancel the holiday anyway. Let him know, in no uncertain terms, that you need to decide what you want. You don't need him to admit to anything - you've found the evidence, and whether he does or doesn't own up, doesn't matter right now. If he does admit it, he won't admit everything anyway - remember he's been deceiving you for years.

So try and insist that you have whatever space and time you need to decide what you want. You have a lot of emotions to deal with, and they will take a long while to sort. When you feel ready, go to CAB and get free initial advice about where you stand if you do separate. Put yourself first.

[MyCatHasStaff]

I know how devastating this is,it happened to a friend of mine. Remember when you are talking to him that this is all new to you, you are in shock and vulnerable, but he has had, literally, years to decide how to handle it if you found out, what his plan would be. Clearly he had decided denial is the way. My friends 'D'H also took this tack, saying the emails were spam and hadn't noticed his bank account had been debited. Like you, she wanted to believe him because she couldn't accept that this had been going on in her life and she had no idea. Your DH has not been spammed/hacked/a victim of fraud. Spam is not so convenient as to only spend him things he is interested in (only women that would interest him, in areas convenient for him to get to? ) and fraudsters don't just pay for your dating agencies, they empty your account. Hackers would not send pictures of him. Rationally, you know all these things. He has got away with it for so long, he has become arrogant and thinks any old excuse will 'get you off his back' and allow him to continue. You have my sympathies, this is awful. I hope you have RL support as well as support here.

[AnyFucker]

I would cancel the holiday too

playing "happy families" after a revelation like this will make you die inside just a little bit more

he also thinks being on holiday will "soften you up" because of course he will be on his best, most loving behaviour and once your initial hurt settles a bit he will get that foot in your emotional door again

until the next time

[shineoncrazydiam0nd]

Illicit Encounters show on a credit card statement as ' online tech support ' so you may wish to check that out too. They also charge men £130 a month so worth looking that up too.

Sorry to hear this.

[emmanumber3]

Firstly, so sorry that this is happening to you. Horribly crap whatever the complete truth turns out to be.

I agree that you should either cancel the holiday or, preferably, go alone with your children & possibly a close, trustworthy, friend who is also a good listener. It may be the perfect opportunity to put some distance between you & the DH and give you some valuable thinking time.

Also, please be completely honest with yourself. There will be an ingrained part of you that wants to believe what your DH is telling you. No-one wants to have to realise that their OH has indeed been unfaithful to them & sometimes we can make ourselves believe the lies just to "get things back to normal". I wouldn't even consider trying to "make a fresh start" until you are completely satisfied that you have heard the full truth, whatever that may be. After that, the decisions are yours - not his.

I imagine he is getting angry with you for confronting him because he is as guilty as hell and thinks that shouting about it is the quickest way to get you to "shut up about it". I think it is time to calmly say to him something along the lines of "look, I KNOW that you have met other women, I KNOW you are lying. We can either sit down & discuss this calmly or you can leave". Showing him you are serious & will not be "shutting up about it" may well get to the truth a bit quicker.

But most of all, good luck with whatever decisions you make. Take care .

[want2sleep]

ummmphantomcat I was trying to be in your shoes and so angry with what he did...I cant imagine your emotions at the moment....but I do think now calmly is best way to deal with it esp if he gets angry/upset I wouldnt want you getting hurt and I agree with emmanumber3 taking control calmly approach:(

Good luck and hope you find some end to this as it is nightmare