passive aggression?? please help me work out how to deal with xp

[SmallThingsMatter]

Okay I posted this yesterday and have had no response but could really do with some advice

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1218601-How-do-you-avoid-the-same-patterns-after-separation

Last night I realised maybe this is passive aggressive behaviour.
I wish I'd realised this earlier because maybe we would have been able to save our relationship.
Things got increasingly bad and I started to challenge the inconsistencies.
We have been to counselling etc etc, the counsellor pointed out areas he needed to work on and afterwards he would just be rude about her.
He has now left but obviously I still have to negotiate with him re DCs.
But what is the best way to deal with this kind off behaviour?
I have said lets get all the finances and practical things sorted out before changing the DCs routine. He has now put me in the position of seeming unreasonable if I don't co-operate with him, but the other stuff still isnt sorted out.
Any and all advice appreciated.

[cestlavielife]

if they early teens then really they old enough to sit with dad and you and work something out re contact etc.
or get a family mediator to work with you.

forget the idea you could have saved the relationship tho!

[cestlavielife]

jsut send polite business liek emails setting out what you and Dc are proposing in terms of contact and ditto for finances.

if he then doesnt repond or rants you ahve a record and ultiamtely if you ened ot go to court to sort out finances you can do so.

if children are young teens court might not be best way - they presumably know what they want in terms of contact?

[Dropdeadfred]

would you consider getting the csa involved for maintenance?

[SmallThingsMatter]

Thanks for responding. The thing is that everytime I think we have an agreement about something he changes the situation and moves the goalposts to sort things out how he wants them. It feels like very manipulative behavior.
He isnt giving me anything in maintenance and I could go down the csa route, but again he thinks I'm being unreasonable because he says he doesn't have any money, has been clocking up debts since he moved out (probably because before that I paid all the bills before), and his work is slow at the moment. I am living on precious little at the moment too and supporting the DCs but that doesn't seem to come into it.
I really need to know how to get out of the cycle of manipulation.
Or a magic wand...

[cestlavielife]

getting everything in writing can help.

set out agreed times etc.

dont engage in you said/you this. no feelings. just facts

take time before repsonding to email or text



write a prenting agreement - you cand wonlaod many examples - and meet wiht him and a mediator/third party to got hru it.
when it there in writing and you both sign you can both refer back to it.

www.cafcass.gov.uk/PDF/FINAL%20web%20version%20251108.pdf
www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Support-Groups/Children/Parenting-Agreement-Scotland.html
www.spig.clara.net/p-plans/p-plans.htm