Is this controlling behaviour?

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

I would like to ask some advice regarding my sister's relationship with her partner, I will try to keep it as brief as poss...here goes...

Sis met her now partner around 6 years ago (she is now 64 and he is 70) after her husband left her. I will refer to sis as A and partner as E. E came along and paid her attention and made sure she was alright financially (as she had some initial difficulty after the split) as he was quite shrewd with money, so basically looked after her. A needed to sell her house to pay off husband, so E suggested she move into his home. After a while (around 18mths) it was quite noticeable that A was losing weight. A confided in me that things were not good at home.

This is what she tells me is happening...

He causes a huge fuss when she goes to see her daughter/granddaughter, even though he is quite welcome to go (but declines)
Does not welcome her daughter/granddaughter into his home
Consistently says to her that they don't "connect"
Stops speaking to her
When she has any change of hairstyle/clothing, ridicules rather than compliments
Tells her she irritates him with her behaviour
Tells her that she never does what she says she was going to do (like cleaning the bathroom on a set day!)
So much more, I will be here for days..

However, he's a great housekeeper, very domesticated and utterly reliable, and when he is in company (very occasionally) he is polite and courteous, in fact quite a nice bloke.

As far as I can see, this is a controlling relationship, I just need confirmation.

[jayho]

err, yes

he's reeled her in to a position where she is dependent on him and is then trying to minimise her contact with other influences. He's also using tactics designed to lower her self esteem which will make her even more dependent upon him.

take it from one who knows

If she still has any self awareness and confidence this is the time to get out and she will need to know that she has all your support and that of other family members and friends to do it, she will feel stupid and feeble and, depending on how much of her self esteem he's eroded, worthless.

You are a very good sister x

[neuroticmumof3]

this is definitely a controlling and abusive relationship, i just hope that A will be able to recognise it as such and have the strength left to do something about it. He is clearly isolating her and damaging her self esteem. Men like this can often appear to be very charming to others. They save their abuse for their partners. She's very lucky to have you in her life.

[squeakytoy]

Has he been married before? does he have any family?

I would say if she is unhappy, then to get the hell out of there actually because he does sound like a control freak, and he was maybe just looking for someone to look after him as he gets older.

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

Thank you so much for confirming this awful situation. I have watched my sister's emotional state become more and more fragile whilst being completely helpless. I made her get a book from the library by Sandra Horley called Why Charming Men Make Dangerous Lovers, so she could see the behaviour in print. Unfortunately she was in complete denial.

At this present moment she has had an op on her foot and is "confined to barracks" and although doing all the "necessary" caring, he is ignoring her. Her heinous crime? Because she was worried about her granddaughter being upset when they were about to go away and he overheard her on the phone (saying to her granddaughter) I don't want to go away with you being upset like this. He has made her life a misery since, saying that she didn't want to go away with him, she would have rather stayed with her granddaughter, and how she has changed since they were first together.

I KNOW it's controlling, and I have told her I am concerned for her mental health/confidence/self esteem, I just don't know how low she will go before she has had enough. I keep telling her that she should be enjoying this time of her life, I really am so worried for her.

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

squeaky never married but long term relationships, and no family/kids

jayho I am going to copy and paste your reply and email it to her, you are describing my sister without even knowing her

[squeakytoy]

I would say long term it doesnt bode well. If he has no kids or grandchildren he is probably very set in his ways, and unlikely to change. He should have realised when he got involved with a lady who had a family that it only right she be able to have them visit and for her to see them regularly, but if it is something he has never done, it will be much harder for him to accept.

[madonnawhore]

Yes, his reactions to her wanting perfectly normal and reasonable freedoms are disproportionate and aggressive enough to make her feel like she should alter her behaviour in order to avoid his 'punishments'. Once she's trapped into that cycle and treading on eggshells it's bad news.

He sounds very controlling and manipulative.

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

Thanks madonna, appreciate you taking the time to look x

[garlicbutter]

My ex used to do what you've described - taking part of what she said ("I don't want to go away ...") out of context and pretending he feels hurt & betrayed by it.

A sane, normal person would realise her meaning was more like "I really hope you feel better soon, or I shall be worried about you". But a mean, controlling person would choose to take even that the wrong way! They'd accuse the partner of trying to ruin the holiday with their worrying. You can't win.

This type of logic-twisting has the required effect of making the speaker pre-censor their every word for possible misconstruction. It's a very efficient muting technique.

I once spent a fortnight working out how to tell XH something I knew he'd dislike! In the end, he was very happy with my choice of words ... Instead of feeling horror-struck by the fact that I afraid of speaking to my husband, I was delighted to have found the right word - and it was just one word. He'd succeeded in controlling my voice and, therefore, my thoughts.

I feel sad for your sister. It's hard, at the best of times, to acknowledge your love has been misplaced and misused. It's even harder after you've been trained to deny your own thoughts & feelings. She might find it easier, as I did, to start from a position that there's something wrong with him, then begin working out what it is and whether she is able to live with it: I spent a long time persuading myself that XH has Asperger's. In the end, of course, it doesn't matter - a relationship that makes you frightened is bad for you, whatever the root cause.

It's wonderful that you're aware of this issue, and are standing by your sister. I hope she sees your thread - and some of the others in this forum. Good luck to you both!

[Mouseface]

What garlicbutter says is spot on here. Especially this part -

'In the end, of course, it doesn't matter - a relationship that makes you frightened is bad for you, whatever the root cause.'

He won't change, he's set in his ways and has been for many years. It sounds as though he expects her to 'conform' to his way of life.

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

I have been to see my sis today. She is still stuck indoors with her foot bandaged and very much reliant on him. She asked me if I would help her to wash her hair/iron her skirt/post a letter. I was more than happy to do these things, but what worried me more than anything was that she couldn't ask him to do them as he has been practically ignoring her since her op.

Every time I speak to her she tells me more stuff that he's said. Apparently she was scolded for leaving the used teabag on the side instead of putting it straight in the bin (apparently this is most irritating to him) she told him not to speak to her like a child (as he frequently does) and his response was "if you don't want to be treated like a child then don't act like one". I cannot even comment as it is way over anything I could possibly comprehend.

I actually showed her this thread, so any more feedback is much appreciated.

[garlicbutter]

He scolded her for disobedience. I'll keep my thoughts on whether it's constructive to treat children that way to myself; the main point is that obedience has little place in a mutually considerate relationship between adults.

What would happen if Sis said "I like teabags on the counter, please don't keep moving them"? Out of interest, is the bin a few steps away from the kettle, so he had to watch her hobble across? How come he didn't make her tea?

As Mouseface says above, he's requiring conformity to his way of life. If it worked both ways he'd be posting her letters. etc, while she can't. This is not give-and-take, it's command-and-response.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Abusers like your sister's partner are often plausible to those in the outside world. It is only behind closed doors that their true nature emerges.

Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour. I would also argue that she was targetted by him deliberately; she was in a low place when she met him and was vulnerable. He took advantage.

Abuse is about power and control; this is what this is all about ultimately. This man learnt this behaviour likely from his own family.

I would give your sister a copy of "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. He writes at length about controlling men like the one your sister has unfortunately landed herself with.

I would be asking her what she is getting out of this relationship now.

Such men also do not change.

If she does not leave him she will further become a shadow of her own self and become totally trapped.

She needs to be very careful and plan any escape from him with care as such men do not let go of their victims easily.

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

garlicand attila what you say is so true, especially the conformity, as that is exactly what his agenda is. If she conforms, he will be kind to her. It makes the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. I just have to stand back and wait until she has seen the light, and I will get the Lundy Bancroft book.

[humptydidit]

have come over from the other thread, marking my place for later