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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

She wants to meet. Can our friendship be revived?

18 replies

PandaLove · 18/05/2011 17:12

I normally just lurk on most posts but I thought I could come back and ask your opinions since the last time I was here, I was given very good advice.

To cut a long story short, my partner of a few months is actually the ex-husband of my (now) ex friend. I didn't know them both when they were married. They were divorced 3years when I started dating him. When I told her that me and her ex-husband were considering starting a serious relationship, our friendship sufferred and a lot of nasty things were said and needless to say our friendship ended.

She has sent me an email saying she wants us to meet - for the first time since March. I am still not allowed to see my partner when he is with his kids and I have respected that although it has not been easy. My relationship with my partner is great and we are considering moving in but this is difficult since she doesn't want me near her kids. Although my partner hasn't said anything to me, I think its possible he has asked her to talk to me.

previous thread with all the history

Should I go?

OP posts:

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ThistleDoNicely · 18/05/2011 17:18

I remember your previous thread and thought you got a bit of a hard time from some posters so glad to hear things are going well with your partner.

I think you should probably meet with her. If it looks like this relationship is going to last and she is the mother of his kids you'll have to interact with her at some point. I'd keep an open mind though and don't expect too much, she is obviously (rightly or wrongly) quite hurt.

Wishing you all the best.

HerHissyness · 18/05/2011 17:24

I think in the interests of your relationship and potential future relationship with him and the DC, you don't have much choice.

NOW, you have to play this right, the second she gets funny with you, you make your polite excuses and get up and go. No matter what, no matter when. Do not engage, do not argue.

If it's civil then hear her out.

You did nothing wrong in this relationship, OK so not 100% ideal, but there was ample gap and you did try to talk about it. SHE was the one that lost her cool.

It's a pretty big thing for her to approach you and ask to see you, so give her the chance to make it better.

Fingers crossed!

greenlime · 18/05/2011 17:28

You need to go. You look like you are going to end up as stepmother to her kids so you should be polite even if she's rude to you. You can't think of her as an ex friend much longer by the looks of it - you will have to think of her as your step kids' mother and you need to get along somehow.

It must be very painful for her, regardless of the fact that you had nothing to do with their divorce.

FabbyChic · 18/05/2011 17:33

I'd ask her what she wishes to discuss with you to be honest. Or even take a friend with you. Forearmed and all that!

PandaLove · 18/05/2011 17:36

I see why I have to go but suddenly the seriousness of what was said to me by her has all come back to me. I actually kept a lot in and I suppose the email has brought it all back.

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ThistleDoNicely · 18/05/2011 17:51

Did she say why she wanted to meet? The suggestion to take a friend along seems a good one to me. Hopefully she just reacted badly and has realised it was wrong and is hoping to move on from what was said before.

greenlime · 18/05/2011 17:58

I don't agree with the suggestion to take a friend along. Trying to build bridges in this situation is hard enough, without her feeling that it is 2 against 1 or that there is someone interfering/snooping on stuff that really is between the 2 of you. I would personally find it really hard to talk and find common ground with a 3rd person present. It's not like your safety is compromised so I think you should do it alone.

PandaLove · 18/05/2011 18:01

It was a short mail saying 'Hello xxx, is it possible for us to meet up sometime soon? xxx

In a spur of the moment thing, I have agreed and suggested to meet up for coffee on Friday morning. I hope I don't regret it and I am afraid I am going in with all guns blazing.

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ThistleDoNicely · 18/05/2011 18:11

It does sound like she's perhaps trying to build bridges. That has to be a good thing. She was hurt, though I personally don't think you did anything wrong, but the way she reacted was unacceptable and hopefully she accepts that and is remorseful. You just need to (continue to) stay calm and respectful about the situation and think of the end goal - being able to be with your partner and have a relationship with his kids and build a future together.

greenlime · 18/05/2011 18:19

You do need to stay calm. All guns blazing is totally inappropriate for a meeting between a mum and a step mum. You cannot dwell on the verbal assault she has rightly or wrongly given you - you need to focus on her children as they are ultimately the ones who will suffer if the pair of you can't be civil.

PandaLove · 18/05/2011 18:28

Thanks greenlime, I know I need to remain calm.

I am just glad I went ahead with the relationship, he is turning out to be quiet the man I wanted and things are really great. I have to go out now but I will let you know how we get on.

Thank you

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Rindercella · 18/05/2011 18:32

For the sake of your DP's children you need to remain cool, calm and collected. Try to put the nasty things she said to the back of your mind, at least for now. She felt hurt (whether or not that was fully justified is debatable) and so she lashed out.

Listen to what she has to say. If she's trying to build bridges then meet her halfway. If she turns nasty do not engage. Just walk away with your head held high. Good luck.

PandaLove · 20/05/2011 18:01

Well, we met earlier today and it was an ok-ish kind of meeting.

We had very little to say to each other. She apologised for the way she has behaved but said that she didn't regret her reaction because she was being honest to herself. She said that she has come to terms with my relationship with her ex. and she has decided to let me be with her kids when they are at their dads' house. She has said that she hadn't seen her ex this happy since they met years ago and therefore knows that our relationship is not just a fling.

I apologised for the situation that led to our friendship ending and I told her that I wouldn't have gone ahead if I didn't think that my relationship with her ex was worth giving a go. She wished us luck and left.

It was probably a 15min thing but I think it is progress.

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LiliesandVeuve · 20/05/2011 19:08

Well that all sounds very adult and civilised!
I'm glad it went well

PandaLove · 20/05/2011 20:01

yes, Lilie

I didn't any amunition after all! We have now organised a lunch with his kids on Sunday and I am looking forward to it. They do know that I am their dad's girlfriend so it won't be much of a shock.

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OliPolly · 22/05/2011 21:47

glad it went well

Hedgerow7 · 23/05/2011 09:23

I'm glad things are going well for you but strewth, what's this about "we are considering moving in".

Does that mean you are thinking of moving in together. For god's sake you've only been with him a couple of months. Please don't disrupt your and his children's lives so soon. If the relationships is going as well as you say then great, and waiting a year or so before moving in together won't hurt.

PandaLove · 23/05/2011 11:10

No, we are not moving in anytime soon! This was just a discussion when we were talking about our future.

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