Buying a house, biggest mistake ever?

[MilkandWine]

Hi all
Need others opinions on this issue, all replies hugely appreciated.

Myself and DP have lived in our house since last April. House and mortgage is in DPs name only. This is because when we went to apply we were told by the mortgage advisor that as I am self employed and have a bad credit rating it would be really hard to get a shared mortgage. To be honest I would have been just as happy to rent somewhere but DP really wanted to buy. The house we ended up in has potential but needs loads of work doing to it (Has no GCH, needs new kitchen, bathroom etc). As niether of us earn a lot of money however the work still hasen't been done. I was unsure about the house in first place as I was concerned where money would come from to do it up. DP insisted all would work out though and so the house was bought!

We pay half each on the bills in general. Some months however I can't afford to pay all of my 'half' which can be a bit of an issue. I always contribute towards shopping, toiletries etc and about 95% of cleaning, cooking and general upkeep is done by me.

Yesterday we went shopping and were in the Mac shop (His laptop is on it's last legs). After we had left shop DP made a comment that he might use the money he has saved up for Gas Central Heating to be put in to buy a Mac. I got upset and told him I thought that was a really inappropriate thing to say. We have no central heating and that money really needs to be put towards that. His reply was that I hadn't contributed to the heating fund so it wasen't upto me what he does with the money. It turned into a big row with him saying buying the house had 'Driven a wedge between us' and that the house would never get done if I won't contribute towards the fund to do so.

Is he being unfair or am I? Yes I haven't contributed towards heating fund etc. Mainly because my name isin't on house so if we spilt I get nothing and have helped paid to do his house up! Also I wasen't bothered about buying in the first place. I would have happily rented as we couldn't get a joint mortgage. Surely he, by deciding to go ahead anyway, has created the wedge?

So am I an unreasonable cow or not? I really have no idea!

[BelovedCunt]

doyou have kids?

[MilkandWine]

Nope no children, just me and him. If I had children there is no way I would have put myself in this position. In fact I'm wishing I bloody hadn't anyway

[BelovedCunt]

do you even like him? i can sort of see his point of view, i don;'t think he is that commited really are you?

[MilkandWine]

I love him very much. Actually lately I've been reading lot's of self help books to try and improve our relationship and really working on becoming a more 'Loving' person.
Maybye I should be putting money in to doing the house up (not that I actually have any to contribute, my finances are stretched to breaking point as it is!). Am I being petty? I didn't want to get a house that needed loads of work doing. I would have been happier to buy one that needed less work. DP insisted on this one because it has more 'potential'. It just always plays on my mind that if for some reason we split he would end up with a nicely done up house that I had paid towards!

[TimeForMeIsFree]

Do you pay towards the mortgage as well as the bills? If so you need to keep proof of all that you have contributed and you will have a claim on the property.

However, going on what you have posted I do think you are being unreasonable. You haven't contributed towards the savings for the heating so therefore the money belongs to your DP and it is up to him what he decides to spend it on. Theoretically, the house belongs to him so if he doesn't want to install heating then so be it.

I can understand you not wanting to contribute towards a house that isn't yours though, in fact I would think you were daft to do so. This isn't really an equal relationship is it?

[TimeForMeIsFree]

And what is he doing to improve your relationship?

You are not being petty. Your reasons for not contributing are valid. If you were to split up it wouldn't be cut and dried, you wouldn't automatically be entitled to anything from the sale of the house. When it comes to bricks and mortar love has nothing to do with it, common sense does! You need to protect your investment as much as he does so, until such time your investment is protected then you don't pay anything towards the renovation of the house. Simples!

[MilkandWine]

Timeformeisfree- Yes I pay towards mortgage but haven't been keeping proof of it up until now.

I get what you are saying about heating, it is his money to do with as he will. I suppose it just hurt my feelings that he would consider spending the money on a fancy laptop whilst we freeze our arses off in the winter.

No the relationship isin't equal and I so wish it was. This is main reason I wanted to continue to rent and not buy. Dp though was obsessed with buying a house. It is all making me feel rather sad if I am honest about it, I should have more sense at my age.

With regards to improving relationship from his side I don't know to be honest. The book I am reading says you concentrate on becoming a better person yourself and it isin't about getting 'reward' from your partner. I am trying really hard to concentrate on the positive at the moment. Arguments like yesterdays really bring me back down to earth in a not nice way!

[BelovedCunt]

couldyou move out and remain in the relationship?

[MilkandWine]

I could never afford to rent on my own BC. Would have to go back to my parents and I think they've changed the locks now to stop me getting back in.
Don't think moving out would do anything except drive us futher apart to be honest. Guess I'm going to have to try and get on with things as best I can.

[TimeForMeIsFree]

I can totally understand how you feel. I have been in a similar situation to you and my advice is to put 'love' to one side and not let it get in the way of practicalities, you are leaving yourself wide open to being ripped off if things go pear shaped. You need to protect yourself financially and that means keeping proof of everything you pay towards the house, especially mortgage payments.

As for your relationship, well, if you are reading self help books then you must feel you have problems other than simply the house. You can't improve the relationship all by yourself MilkandWine, he has to work with you on this. You shouldn't have to modify your own behaviour in order to make things work. You are feeling sad for good reason.

[livinginazoo]

You are reading books to improve your relationship and become a more loving person. That sits strangely with me. If I read self-help books I do so to improve me, my thinking, myself, changes for me. My interactions with people, to make me happier. I cannot change other people, I have no control over other's feelings or actions, none at all, and no amount of books could teach me that. If the relationship needs you to change for it to work, it seems a lot of hard work on your part with no guarantee of the desired outcome.

You have an unequal (financial) relationship and you are probably not in the strongest position. Have you discussed marriage, children etc. Do you both agree on the outcome there? I can fully imagine you are feeling like just a tenant and insecure. Isn't there a legal document you could sign to give you a proportion of the house if you split? Did you contribute to the deposit, mortgage repayments? I would insist on said document for your financial safety. I can understand why you are annoyed about the heating issue, but in that case he is not being unreasonable, even if he is being very irritating, but it just reiterates your position in all of this.

[ManicAnnie]

This is a bad situation for you, financially. You have no rights on this house, yet you are paying for its upkeep. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

[livinginazoo]

Just saw your last post at 18.29... 'best you can', 'drive us further apart'... A healthy relationship does not involve those phrases when describing it. You two need to talk, perhaps relate?

[merrywidow]

You need to start being practical about your finances. Work towards a better credit rating, Have some proof of your investment in the property; you are not lino ( to be walked all over ).

If I told you to go and sit in a chair in front of the computer for half an hour and you would save/ make £500 you would do it right? well look at the boring finance letter/document writing stuff like this.

Protect your investment PLEASE

[Collision]

Am not sure either of you are committed to the relationship from what you have written.

My money, your money, you buy this and I will buy that and you owe me this....

I think if you are part of a team that works together AND I KNOW NOT EVERYONE AGREES WITH ME SO NO NEED TO DEFEND YOURSELVES! then you pool your money to pay for bills and mortgage and food and split the rest between yourselves for fripperies.

I think you should have something written and witnessed by a solicitor to say you could have a share in the house if you split but am then not sure why when you keep talking about splitting and your share of the house etc etc...................

[PollyLogos]

I don't know what the legal situation is, but I think you need to be very careful. In fact, I would go to get some advice as how to protect your position. (maybe CAB can help?)

Many years ago (about 20) a friend of mine was in the same position. After living with her boyfriend for 3-4 years (all the time thinking they would get married one day) and helping him do up his 'good investment house' (financially and practically) he decided to call it a day and she was left with nothing. Her financial contribution had been to pay all the food and some of the bills - she had no claim on the house at all.

Please avoid finding yourself in the same position.

[MilkandWine]

Livinginazoo-Sorry I don't think I explained properly. The books I have read are all about improving yourself in the whole. The one I am reading currently is a guide to creating a loving relationship though so I was/am hoping that if I can change my own approach to the relationship (Become less critical, more affectionate/open etc) Then that will rub off on my interactions with DP and improve things.
Does that make sense or am I being a total berk?

We have discussed marriage/children but at the moment couldn't afford either. Also I don't feel DP is at the right time of his life for children (he is only 26). I don't want to force him into things that might make him bitter and resentful of me in the future.

I don't know about legal documents, I must confess I've never looked into it. If we split I know he wouldn't sell the house, he would keep it until it was modernised and then sell it then. I do pay towards mortgage but the deposit itself was loaned to us from DPs parents. They have a bigger stake in the place than me probably.

Merrywidow-I have just paid off a credit card and I am slowly but surely working towards a better credit rating.

Maybye I need to see a solicitor or similar regarding my legal standing with house? It sounds pathetic but up until now I have just blindly put my faith in DP to do the right thing by me.

[TimeForMeIsFree]

Yes, you do need to see a solicitor. You need to find out where you stand in all circumstances. Do you have wills? What would happen to the house if he were to die, are you protected under those circumstances?

Maybe if you felt more of an equal in the relationship and more secure then you would feel better all round.

[MilkandWine]

Collision-No I totally agree with you. I don't want to have a 'Your money, my money' attitude at all. My DP seems to take that line though (even though he denies it) and I guess I have followed his lead.

His mother even told him off last week for making a comment about 'His' telly (His parents bought it as a moving in gift for us) She had to point out to him that we are a couple and that things are shared between couples.

It made me cringe a bit tbh

Oh and I may talk about us splitting up but I just use that as a worse case scenario. I have no wish to split up at all. All I know that if roles were reversed DP would be guarding his assets like a tiger with one cub!

[Alibabaandthe80nappies]

It should be possible to get your name on the deeds of the house without you having to apply for the mortgage in your name? Someone correct me if I'm wrong.

If I were you, then I would be building up my own fund for 'house repairs', but keeping it in my name with a view to having something to fall back on if it goes pear-shaped.

Does the mortgage come out of a joint account or out of his account? Because if it comes from an account in his name, then you will have a hard time proving that you've contributed. Could you get the mortgage and all bills transferred to a joint account?

[TimeForMeIsFree]

Yes Alibaba I do believe you are right about the deeds.

[merrywidow]

what would improve your rating is to use a credit card yet pay off the balance each month. Having no debts can sometimes work against you as well as you have no credit history for potential companies to compare

[livinginazoo]

No, I don't think you are being a complete berk reading these books, it is that you shouldn't be having to need to! You are young (I assume!), in love, in a lovely home together, and sound a bit too unhappy with the situation. I keep reading posts where people say that a good relationship isn't about hard work (especially at the start!!), and it only gets harder from here on when kids etc are involved!! Maybe you just need to take a step back, work on what makes you happy (and self-confidence: you don't need to change you for someone else especially when they are meant to love you for you warts, bad habits and all), and take control of the financial side of things with a lawyer!

[aurynne]

"I was concerned where money would come from to do (the house) up. DP insisted all would work out though and so the house was bought"

This was a big, big mistake on your DP's account, and on yours for agreeing. It is really important to separate an economy decision (buying and paying for a house and its maintenance) from an emotional one (we don't know how to pay for it, but hey, I'm sure it will work out). Before buying a house, you both must sit down and make a budget: how much money comes in, how much money the mortgage payments will be, how much for food, car, insurance, house maintenance, etc etc. Money issues don't ever "work themselves out" without the actual money being there. Coins don't grow out of the tree of love.

On other accounts, being on the mortgage and being listed as a house owner are two different things. You should have been written down on the house ownership contract (deeds?) as a joint owner, regardless of the mortgage, as you and your DP had agreed the house would be for you both. If you didn't do it, this is the first thing you must do. Believe me, it will save you from a LOT of heartbreak and future problems.

Your DP is being a bit of an ass making these distinctions about "yours" and "mine". He is supposed to be building a relationship with you. Having a warm house in winter is crucial, much more important than a new laptop in any case. Your DP knew about your money problems before buying the house, and it was him who pushed to get it done.

In my opinion, the first and foremost to do for you two right now, is to sit down and agree, before all, that you are on the same wavelength: that the house is the place for you, as a couple, to build a life together. The house and all its contents has to belong to both of you, otherwise one of you will always fee left out and alienated, and won't fight for the project or feel like a part of it. If you let this fester, it will destroy your relationship.

Once you agree on this, you need to make a budget. And a very strict one. You need a separate account for vital things that the house needs to become inhabitable (heating being one of them). You need a plan and a fix amount for each of you to put on that account monthly, no excuses. And most important of all, you need to start working as a team. Ask yourselves: "what are we willing to achieve together?". Do you want your house to be your love nest, the place you grow old together, or a point of friction and a reason to fight? because the decision is only yours. And if you are not even able t agree in what to do with your own house, there will be little in your life as a couple that you will agree on.

Good luck!

[LillianGish]

I think your DP is correct when he says that buying the house has driven a wedge between you - you are no longer on an equal footing in this relationship. I'm sure buying the house was an excellent investment for him especially knowing he had a ready made lodger to help with the bills and maintenance. He would probably argue that you are no worse off than you would have been paying rent to a landlord. I don't doubt that you love him, but I would think very carefully about the status of your relationship before you plough any more of your earnings into his investment. At the risk of being flamed I would say there is a lot to be said for being married for someone in your situation. A very good friend of mine spent several years living with her boyfriend in his house - he paid the mortgage, she paid the bills and they spent many happy weekends together renovating the property - when the relationship broke up (they got engaged, but never made it to the altar) she was left with nothing - nowhere to live and no money from her investment. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all and in your situation I would be tempted to give him an ultimatum to find out where you stand. You say you would have to move back in with your parents, which I can understand you don't want to do, but surely better to it at this stage than some years down the line when you have thrown more good money after bad.