Should I have him back?

[Bella10]

In May 2010, just before my daughter's 2nd birthday, I found out my husband was having an affair with someone we both work with. He moved out eventually in Oct 2010. He kept seeing her until April 2011. I have had to cope with seeing her and him at work every day. During that time there were 6 separate times when he wanted to come back to me, and then changed his mind. She has now basically dumped him. He is now 100% wanting to come back to me, coming round all the time, wanting to be with us every weekend. We have a 3 year old daughter who lives with me. We still work in the same place, I have to see the b*tch every day, and everyone we work with knows everything. They are very supportive of me.
All my friends say I am mad to even consider having him back and I understand why.
I'm just struggling because, it all hurts so much, I've been through so much pain this last year, looking after my daughter, working full time in a very demanding job, feeling horribly lonely and the thought that I could have my family back together is tempting me to have him back, although I keep thinking, does he really love me? How can he when he's done what he's done? Am I just 'Plan B'?
Some people think its so clear cut and simple, but when you are the one in the middle of it, feeling all the pain, its just not an easy decision to make. I feel in turmoil at the moment and would value your opinions. Especially anyone who's been in a similar situation. xx

[Xales]

He didn't love you enough for him to not shag a woman you both work with and rub your face in it for the best part of a year because he, his feelings and as far as he was concerned she and her feelings were more important.

He only wants to come back because she has dumped him. He would still be with her otherwise. Are you happy knowing you will always be second best and the minute someone more important comes along he will do it again

[Doha]

Sorry no l don' think it is a good idea at the moment.
It sounds like he wants to come back as she doesn't want him now. you ARE plan B. He has kept you hanging "in reserve" in case this happened.
It would be best, if you are really thinking about it, to take things slowly and start dating again. You may discover that you don't like who he is anymore. Don't let him move in for months if not years.
Personally l wouldnt even give it a moments thought, l could not trust him to change his mind yet again but it is your call
Good luck

[FabbyChic]

Honey he chose her over you, it is only because she dumped him he wants to come back. A lot of men can't go it alone and need to be with someone. Don't take him back, save face and tell him he had his chance and blew it.

[expatinscotland]

You deserve so much more than a person who considers you a consolation prize.

[scarlettsmummy2]

you poor thing, it must be absolutely awful.

However, what would you do if you took him back and a few years later he did the same thing, by which time your daughter will be old enough to know whats going on, and that her dad had abandoned her again??

Have you seen the film "he is just not that into you"? might seem a bit random but I really wish i had seen it years ago when I was in a ridiculous relationship with a two timing twat!! it really helped me see that if a man truly loves you he won't hurt you, but we as women just make excuses for why we should stay with them.

good luckl

[CristinaTheAstonishing]

"I could have my family back together" Would you ever trust him again?

[ShoutyHamster]

No, don't do it.

For all the reasons above.

Get some distance from him instead. Let him look after his child properly some weekends so that you can get out and socialise and
start to move on

[FreudianSlipper]

how awful for you. what if she wants him back in a few weeks though?

i would really have some time to yourself. id there anyway you could find another job or be transferred (i know not easy) just seeing them both every day will hold you back from moving on

he choose her once, and if she had not dumped him he would still be with her, you are worth more than that. if he really wants you back wait a few months see what he does if he has already moved on you have your answer

my situation was a little different, i worked with my ex had been seeing each other for about 5 months and then i fell pregnant and he was basically a c*nt. i heard all the gossip, him seeing another girl there (this was not true but it still hurt, i know who she was seeing), all the she trapped me poor me rants that he had at work drinks came back to me and the best thing was my last day. luckily i was made redundant while on maternity leave and it was a blessing, i would not have moved on so quickly it was bad enough having to see him every weekend but the humiliation i felt at work as everyone knew the situation jsut crushed me as well as him rejecting me

[Bella10]

Thankyou everyone for all your comments. All very helpful.

[bleedingstill]

and the whole of mumnset cried NOOOOO!

seriously,perhaps not yet.

You don't know it's ONLY because she dumped him, or do you? Sounds like he has been very unhappy with his former decision to leave you for her ( the going back and forth six times) . Perhaps she has given him the final push because she knows he still loves you and wants to be with you?

You have not mentioned whether you love him.

I know a family who went through a very similar thing.
They did get back together and they have been VERY happily married for fifty years , ( not counting the nine months or so that the husband spent dithering)

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

I think I remember your original thread Bella. Please don't take him back.

Having an affair is one thing, hurting you terribly in the aftermath is quite another. He has been horribly cruel with your emotions and the stark facts are that he doesn't love you enough and you are worth more than that.

If he and his OW had possessed an ounce of decency, they would have resigned their positions and found others - if I recall your professional field correctly, this would have been very achievable too.

What you're seeing now is not someone who bitterly regrets his actions, but someone who doesn't want to be left on his own with nothing. No doubt he is realising that he has lost a huge amount; his reputation amongst colleagues, the prize that is you and daily contact with your daughter.

You must have had enormous resilience to have coped with this situation and maintained your professionalism and dignity. I am very sorry that your spineless employers didn't try to intervene in some way to stop you having to go through this, seeing as neither your H or his OW could do the decent thing.

Use that resilience now to muster all your dignity again and tell him it is too late now, that you have moved on and no longer love him. Even if that is not entirely the truth yet, it will be one day and it is important that you say this to him.

[bleedingstill]

In the case of my friends they had FOUR young children at the time of the affair. The couple are now in their 70s and have great grandchildren. They are totally devoted to each other

[Aislingorla]

This is tricky for you, a lot of conflicting advice. I would suggest talking to friends in R.L who know both of you well and who are 'friends of the marriage'. On MN we are getting your story, which I don't doubt is accurate but to get the full picture and advice properly we, ideally, should know both .
bleedingstill, I like your take on this and agree, people on MN are very keen to advise and help but forget that they don't actually know the people involved.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

I think posters were cognisant of this line in the OP aislinggorla and hence gave their advice:

"All my friends say I am mad to even consider having him back and I understand why."

[AnyFucker]

no, you shouldn't take him back

not because of the original affair (which would be a deal breaker for some in itself) but for his behaviour afterwards in the last year

keeping you on a string, wanting to come back then changing his mind, rubbing your nose in his great romance with OW

then when she finally gets sick of the stupid romantic twat, he suddenly has a "lightbulb moment" ?

yeah, sure

somebody who can treat you with such contempt is not worth wiping your shoes on

why do you feel you are worth so little ?

I would rather be lonely for the rest of my life than accept all I could settle for was damaged goods

[Aislingorla]

I haven't read every single word of her posts as I don't have time but will stick with my point on to offer proper advice you need to know/hear both accounts. MN has it's place and can really help but it's important not to over rely on it.
As John Waters said in this weeks 'UP FRONT, This much I know' (Observer mag.) ''My policy is ''unless you know the full story, don't judge'', and you never know the full story.''

[SherlockMoans]

I think he is trying to save face, as you say where you work people are aware of the situation and have sympathy for you - he now looks a fool and voila if he pulls a reconciliation with you out of the hat he has saved face hasnt he?

Shit happens people have affairs and marriages sometimes recover but if he has been cruel and indiscrete during your separation then is he really the kind of man you want in your life. He will probably do it again if his reason for returning is because the other relationship ended rather than inability to continue hurting you and living without you....honestly (personal opinion) you can and will do better for yourself.

Put yourself forward to when your daughter has a husband, say her husband behaved the same way - think about what advice you would be giving HER and thats your answer.

[Bella10]

Thanks for all your comments. I am thinking about it all. Its very stressful and gets me down at times. Most of you are saying what people around

[Bella10]

me are saying.