Can't make sense of my feelings :-(

[SineadTemptation]

Brief background - DP and I were together for a year. Then we moved in together for a year. Then after numerous huge arguments regarding dishonesty, disrespect and controlling behaviour he moved out. A month or so later we began drifting toward one another again and decided we got on a lot better now that we didn't live together. So we went back to dating and the current situation is that he sleeps at my house every other saturday when my kids are at their dad's house. We also see each other on the odd day during the week when the kids are at school. It all seemed alright at first but now I'm so confused I just don't know what to do anymore. I know for a fact he still lies. I only know about small things that don't really matter but it proves he can still lie. I know deep down I don't trust him, I'm constantly second guessing what he's up to, who he's seeing and what he's thinking. I used to check his phone when he lived here because of the lying, now when I get the opportunity to check it I don't and the reason for that is because I DARNT as I'm scared as the what I'll find. Ignorence is bliss and all that.
I know by now anyone reading will already be writing the words "why are you bothering???" but I can't shake this feeling that I'll miss him too much if I let go. He stayed here last night and I can still smell him, I can still feel his arms around me in bed, I can still feel his stubble on my face - I don't know if I love him, I don't know what I think of him. Half of me wonders if its HIM I feel so desperate to cling on to or just a man in general.

I don't know what to do, this relationship is terrible for my health, I know that but my stupid heart won't let me end it. I feel wrecked.

[googoomama]

Hello, I didn't want to let this go unanswered. I know exactly how you feel because I was in a similar relationship with my ex. We were together for a year and we split up because he said although he loved me he couldn't live with my kids and he has two kids so it was all very complicated and I think he just wanted an easy life. I split with him last November and I also felt wrecked and like I couldn't go on. During the last months of our relationship I felt like I was trying to be what he wanted so much that it was making me ill, if that makes any sense. Anyway, I just didn't contact him at all after we split (despite him contacting me) and it was awful and I missed him, his friends and his village terribly but it was the best thing that I could have done. Slowly, very slowly and with the help of people on here and my RL friends I learnt to live without him and started to gain some peace and serenity in my life. Gradually, I stopped thinking about him and what he was thinking/doing and started to concentrate on simple things and simple pleasures. 6 months on, he is back in touch, missing me and wanting to meet up. But that enforced time away from contact with him has made me so much stronger and I can now see how much more peaceful and fulfilling my life is without all the drama. I think that you need to learn to love yourself and enjoy life without the adrenalin that this relationship brings. I've managed to do it and honestly, it is so much better! Ignorance isn't bliss when it is enforced ignorance and that you are really aware of his deceit. Try and prise yourself away from him - he is like a drug and it's doing you no good. It will take strength and you will be tempted so many times to make or return contact but honestly, a clean break will be so much better for your mental health. You are worth so much more x

[FabbyChic]

Have you posted in AIBU? As this post is very similar to one there.