After watching 'Long lost family' I feel guilty about hating my Controlling, Selfish mum....:s

[Allalone0]

I was watching 'Long lost family' last night and all the people who met the parent who gave them up when they were a child, didn't resent their parent for doing what they did.

I can't help but feel that maybe I am being unreasonable by resenting, feeling anger and hatred towards my mum (who is and was controlling and selfish, but who kept me)

I'm not saying I think any less of parents who have had to give up their child for adoption for whatever reason, every one has their own circumstances. I am in now way judging anyone, just want to make sense of how i'm feeling.

Are their others who feel this way? Or am I the only one?

[MizzyWizzyDizzy]

I didn't watch the program, but here are my thoughts anyway...

I don't think you can compare a long awaited reunion with an absent parent in anyway with an ongoing parental relationship...there are just too many variables.

It is possible that the reunited family have an idolised view of each other...maybe not...but unless these families are followed for the next 20, 30, 40 years then there is no way to tell what the 'truth' of their feelings are.

Many people only resent their difficult family member whilst they are alive....once dead the nastiness of the family member becomes forgotten because the nastiness is not an everyday event....a bit like childbirth...for many all the grotty bits are somehow forgotten...maybe the reunions are like that at the time..all the grotty bits forgotten in the joy of meeting??

I dunno...but I do think you are perhaps needlessly torturing yourself for having valid feelings.

Everyone would like a wonderful, happy, compassionate family....some of us got dealt the grotty hand instead...we were just unlucky...but being unlucky does not invalidate our experience....your experience is all you have with which to gauge how difficult your family member is or not.

Maybe in 20,30,40 years time some of those reunited families will wish they'd never met and have the same feelings as you...who knows?

[Allalone0]

I can relate to that, I do feel terribly unlucky.

My mum I found and still do find that she's never really BEEN there for me, emotionally.

And maybe the programme organisers ONLY show the families which don't feel any resentment, that doesn't mean to say that there AREN'T any who DO feel resentment or anger.

[MizzyWizzyDizzy]

Yup...I've just been reading about the show...I think warm and fuzzy was the goal....not Jeremy Kyle kill zone!

Allalone0, I too have the emotionally absent parent problem, so am staying away from the 'good dad' thread on here...it could be trigger of gloom for me...I just think you were triggered into needless angst by the programme last night. x

[HerHissyness]

Just like abusive partners, parents who are emotionally unavailable will not change, and it's only our HOPE that they will that keeps us coming back for more. Mostly, it's a total waste of time. If it's not there, it's not going to be there ever.

Please stop expecting them to suddenly snap into being normal parents, they are not. they are deeply flawed, sad people who don't deserve to have you as their children.

Please tell yourselves that in spite of the horrific starts you had, that you have managed to survive and thrive without them.

I'm sure that the programme is pitching it's show in a particular manner, to show them all in the best light. TBH, knowing myself, I'd find it impossible NOT to resent a parent for leaving me like that.

My BIL DM left him and she still isn't that fussed, she just shrugs it all off though, nothing sticks to her. she didn't mistreat him, but she certainly wasn't really there for him. his DF seemingly kind of had no choice other than to take him in, but I'm not sure it was a role he relished. BIL has luckily worked through many issues and is now a fabulous dad himself

Allalone0, your feelings are 100% justified, and just because someone else unfathomably can forgive being abandoned, you don't ever have to accept or forgive cruelty inflicted on you.

[gillybean2]

Don't feel guilty. Your feelings are completely valid.

Btw I am an adopted child who feels resentful on several levels for my BM abandoning me and the situation I was left in. Yes I know life could of been a lot worse/different, but it upsets me that she seems to have just dumped me on the first person who came along and said they'd take me. However I am still searching and hoping (on some level) that she'll be able to give me some insights into why she did that. We have now made tentative contact through an agency, but I know I need a lot of support and help to deal with these feelings before I go any futher or agree to meeting her.

I too have posted on the adotion thread on this program saying I'd like to see follow ups on the people featured to see how things actually pan out, but also to see how their wider family (birth plus adopted) feel about their search and outcome.

I feel the program is definitely skewed to a 'happy outcome' approach in teh episodes we've seen so far.