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Need Serious Advice About How To Be Happy (long)

11 replies

MrsHopper · 11/05/2011 15:58

After reading the post about BBC R2 yesterday on the topic of rape it feels like my whole world has come crashing down.

Two years ago I was raped by a family friend (cousins bf) and his friend. I was only 18. I tried to keep it secret but had bf at the time which I needed to tell as he needed to get tested (my rapists had given me 2 STDs). He then went and told my whole family. The next thing I knew my cousin dumped her bf BUT told me she didnt believe me along with her mother. They then went around the rest of my family (1 other auntie, 3 uncles and 18 cousins) spreading a whole load of lies about what 'actually happened that night'. Everyone decided to believe them apart from my mother and brother. Reason being: I didn't tell anyone about it and it came from someone else hence rumour/lie. I've never been able to understand this. Who wants to turn around to their mother and tell them they have been raped. Seeing their face. Even when the truth did all come out i still never went to the police (although did make a statement at clinic) as I knew I wasn't strong enough to go through with it. Another reason for my family not to believe me.

This all happened a month before I met DH and he knew even before we got together. He was very supportive but angry and sad that it had happened.
Anyways last night I was telling my DH about what had been said on R2 and the views people had of the victims of rape...and he totally agreed with them. That women in skimpy outfits should expect that kind of attention, that rape was only to do with a man wanting sex (nothing to do with control, power or violence) and that being drunk might mean that women can't remember that they actually said yes to having consentual sex! I was raped at a house party, yes wearing a dress (God forbid) after quite a bit of alcohol consumption.

He has totally broke my heart, I never knew he thought that way and tbh i dont think i would have ever got with him if I did! I dont know if hes just being a small-minded prick or he actually believes the things he comes out with? I managed to keep calm and try and explain to him that his stereotype of rape was NOT good. He just said 'Well I don't know, I'm not a rapist'. He went on to say he basically thought rape was a man liking a woman, asking for sex, woman saying no and man deciding to go ahead with the act with her anyways. I think he honestly thinks its just about sex.

I now only have my mother, brother, DH and DS. This is so depressing as I haven't even spoke to the rest of my family in over a year now, but would love to know why they done what they did. I've been to counselling over everything and it doesn't seem to help me, it's all just words. And now my DH comes out with this? I feel like he thinks its my fault I was raped. I feel so lonely and betrayed. I don't know what to do? How do I get back to the happy-go-lucky woman I used to be before this all happened?

Sorry it's turned into a rant.

OP posts:

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zikes · 11/05/2011 16:06

I'm so sorry .

Did you tell him how what he said made you feel?

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caramelwaffle · 11/05/2011 16:07

Sorry that you have experienced this..and been let down again.

I have no advice to offer at this time but wanted to let you know you have been heard. (you -and every victim- have a right to be angry and upset)

Your husband is WRONG - on more than one level.

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MrsHopper · 11/05/2011 16:16

Thank you for the replies.

Zikes: Yes I did tell him how upset it made me. I actually ended up crying which is unusual for me theses days. He showed no emotion he just went along the lines of 'well i dunno'.
Obviously he doesn't know, but he thinks he does. What he has said is his view on it. He is entitled to that i know, but when it is so close to home, being with me through the thick of it, how can he possibly believe that.
With only having the small family now I just feel so lonely now that he has said this. I've even tried re-uniting with the rest of my family (why i dont know) but every time I talk to them (they act as if nothing has happened now) i just feel hate, anger, upset, betrayal and even jealousy.

OP posts:

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zikes · 11/05/2011 16:39

That's awful. He's really out of order and ignorant. Sorry.

Could you talk to your counsellor or to Rape Crisis?

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WriterofDreams · 11/05/2011 18:16

MrsHopper it wasn't your fault. It shouldn't have happened and you are not responsible for it in any way.

Does your DH believe that you consented to sex and then couldn't remember?

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ShoutyHamster · 11/05/2011 22:17

I'm not surprised you feel this way.

He is totally wrong of course. But you ask 'How can he think this after going through it all with me' - the answer is, because it is ignorance, not mal

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SpringchickenGoldBrass · 11/05/2011 22:24

How was your relationship with your H before he came out with this disgusting crock of shit MrsHopper? Is he generally nice, kind, good to be with, a man who does his share of domestic work and childcare, a man who you trust and who you feel respects you?

I ask this because it is possible for someone to be a bit of an ignorant bigot without that person being a totally vile and unlovable human being. Some people do not analyse their own thoughts very much. They are good to the people they love (immediate family, friends etc) but thoroughly unconcerned about the fate of 'others' ie those outside their own closed group.

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SpringchickenGoldBrass · 11/05/2011 22:26

Sorry what I mean is that it's possible that your H loves you and understands that you were raped through no fault of your own because you are his DC who he loves and trusts., but it wouldn't have occurred to him that his negative viewpoint about 'other' women (ie ones he doesn't know and fictitious stereotypes) are upsetting to you.
He is still wrong, and ignorant, of course.

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ShoutyHamster · 11/05/2011 22:33

Sorry!
Flipping phone!

...ignorance, not malice. If you were to get him to sit down and think about YOUR situation - did he think you 'consented' while drunk- he'd say 'Ooh no, that was different'. Poor analogy, but a but like someone who is casually racist, but not about people they know because 'So-and-so isn't like the rest of them...'

Rape is about power and violence, not sex. This is accepted. He's talking rubbish.

If I were you, once I'd taken some time to think and feel a bit calmer, I'd sit him down for a talk and explain how his comments have made you feel. Don't hold back. Write a letter if it's easier. And say that this is far more serious than he might think, and that you feel afraid that it could drive a true wedge between you. And say that as a result you are asking him to educate himself on rape, that you want him - no, need him- to find out about why you hold the viewpoint you do. The best way to do this might be for him to talk to a rape counsellor, or (if it's more his thing) to read some literature/research on this.

Good luck. I really feel for you- not only the rape to cope with but the issues with your family. You sound a very strong person.

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thenewf · 11/05/2011 22:33

I agree with spring chick on this. He may just not have thought this through before and gone for a stereotype. If he is a good man then you will be able to talk it through with him. If not then I can't say.

I actually have an ex BIL who thinks all women fantasize about rape, he also thinks they shouldn't have an education. My SIL seems to think this is all cute (shudder). Thank god I am separating from OH and that side of the family.